No Country for Old Princesses

When Celestia told her that she was planning to retire, Twilight was understandably upset. But that was nothing compared to when she found out just what the process would involve. And the rather direct and frankly regicidal role she needed to take.

Cover image compiled from here and here.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Raevun

Raevun #1 · Apr 17th, 2019 · · ·

Grammatically, only thing I noticed was

as though power was flooding into her from some unknown, yet worm, source.

Just a typo.

Definitely a silly premise, great for a little one-off. I'll admit that by about halfway through, I basically started picturing Celestia as an overgrown Pinkie Pie- she just seemed so oblivious and random, especially in that weapon-summoning scene, but I like that you then flat-out added Pinkie to back her up in the craziness.

Good story!

IDontWatchMLP

IDontWatchMLP #2 · Apr 17th, 2019 · · ·

Congrats! You get a like.

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #3 · Apr 17th, 2019 · 4 · ·

Starswirl shook his head as he continued to cut a bloody botanical path through his own patch of forest. "A thousand years," he muttered, "A thousand years and they haven't gotten an ounce saner."

"And who raised us, you old sack of bones?"
"Bah. You don't raise alicorns. You just made sure they won't immediately kill everypony."

In any case, hilariously morbid little story. Thank you for it.

badninja

badninja #4 · Apr 17th, 2019 · · ·

It would be funny if it turns out alicorns have true immortality. They can never die, they will exist beyond the heat death of the universe.

Neece

Neece #5 · Apr 17th, 2019 · · ·

Gotta agree with Starswirl there

howard035

howard035 #6 · Apr 18th, 2019 · 5 · ·

She doesn't ask Luna because Luna would enjoy it too much, right?

Bojack H

Bojack H #7 · Apr 18th, 2019 · 3 · ·

2 hours later...

The heart of the crystal palace in the center of the crystal empire explodes in a massive flash of light.

As the smoke clears ponies come clamoring to the scene. "Never mind I'm apparently super immortal, carry on my little ponies." Celestia says standing over the crib of her grand niece who's cooing up at her.

Vaguely Demented

Vaguely Demented #8 · Apr 18th, 2019 · · ·

I’m honestly curious if she could kill herself.

Yutah123

Yutah123 #9 · Apr 18th, 2019 · · ·

Celestia laughed lightly. "A princess can't just retire . That's ridiculous. Why, I can think of at least twelve political entities off the top of my head that would go into an uproar. No, there's no way out of this position unless I die. Besides, I've lived a long, full life and I think I'm just about done."

But what about the process called abdication?!

*is dragged away and silenced*

"Yes!" Celestia shouted back at her. "Very ridiculous! I'm basically senile already! It'd be a mercy kil-... aaaand she's gone." She rose and cracked her neck where she'd slammed it on the floor. "This is going to be trickier than I anticipated."

You underestimate Twilight's sanity, Princess Celestia.

What about Luna, though? What is she doing right now?

"Sword not to your tastes? That's fine; I have more." Countless additional bursts of golden starlight brought more weapons into existence, each more ornate than the last. The princess named then as they fell. "Would you prefer a broadsword? Shortsword? Dagger? Spear? Pike? Halberd? War axe? Flail? Mace? Mace and flail? Cudgel? Crossbow? Enchanted teapot?"

"I don't know, Twilight," Pinkie commented as her head popped out from within Celestia's rainbow mane, "She's really starting to sell me on this."

I won't dare argue with the Pink One.

Starswirl shook his head as he continued to cut a bloody botanical path through his own patch of forest. "A thousand years," he muttered, "A thousand years and they haven't gotten an ounce saner."

Well, at least they haven't got crazier.

.... Right?

After a moment, it resolved itself into a frustrated pout. "Oh fiddlesticks," the disembodied head swore, "I guess ascended alicorns don't count."

*shrug*

We never were sure on whether or not you we're ascended.

GMBlackjack

GMBlackjack #10 · Apr 18th, 2019 · · ·

And the best line goes to...

"I don't know, Twilight," Pinkie commented as her head popped out from within Celestia's rainbow mane, "She's really starting to sell me on this."

PINKIE PEI!!!

In any words, absolutely delightful and hilarious. It was just as short as it needed to be for a quick laugh. I'm not enamored by it, but hey, not every story has to be a masterful work of art. Some of them just need to be funny.

-GM, master of limes.

Phoenix Nebula