• Member Since 8th Aug, 2017
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Not Enough Coffee


"The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts." ~ Marcus Aurelius

E

With Rainbow Dash’s Wonderbolt career blossoming, she finds herself seeing her closest friends less and less. On one of her free days, she decides to pay her oldest friend a visit, and reminisce on times long past, and what’s to come.


Edited by Alex.

Art by Electrixocket.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

Daaawww~ sweet.

This was cute and nicely written, I like it! Very sweet, and well done.

Good show :yay: :rainbowkiss:

This felt a little bit rushed, starting right at this line:

“Ah, crud.” In all the time Rainbow had spent with her team, training and becoming the best she could be, she forgot to dedicate time to those closest to her. It was about time she paid her oldest friend a visit.

It comes off as if in all of her time as a Wonderbolt Dash had completely forgotten about spending time with her friends, as if this is the first time it has occurred to her in weeks, if not months, that she hasn't talked to them. I find that hard to buy into. I can see her getting caught up in training and feeling guilty that she hasn't spent more time with them, but not having forgotten about them entirely. Directly stating that she had forgotten to dedicate time to those closest to her is also way too on the nose, especially coming from Dash. It would work better if Dash were allowed some time in the narrative to ruminate about her responsibilities as a Wonderbolt getting in the way of her personal life, allowing her to come to the conclusion to visit Fluttershy more naturally.

The rest of the fic has similar problems. Neither Fluttershy nor Dash are speaking in a manner similar to how they would in the show. They have lost their unique voice so to speak. As another example:

“Doesn’t this place take you back, Fluttershy. I remember when we first walked through here, back when you fell from Cloudsdale, and I won that race. Who knew that moment was gonna play such a huge role in our lives, right.”
“Yeah, I never would have guessed.”

This sounds a lot more like a recounting of events that have taken place in the series from an outside perspective than it does an actual conversation these two characters might have. Try to consider how the characters would normally converse, the kinds of words they use or don't use and how their personalities leech into their speech.

8696865
Thanks for the pointing this out to me, dude. I'll keep it in mind with anything else I churn out of my noggin'. I'd attribute a bit of the rushed nature, due to the fact I wrote this in an hour to pass the time in the morning. Lame excuse, but it'd explain how the quality can drop from something else I wrote over a longer period of time, with a more extensive editing phase.

8696871
I feel ya, I've done a few short stories at work to kill time before. I find that those work out best when the scope is kept as small as possible, maybe set over the course of one conversation or a singular event.

8696880
Yeah, that'd probs work better.

Hell, if I was ambitious, this idea could have been a longer fic. Say, since you mentioned that it'd occur to Dash her time with the Bolts was slowly making her more distant from her friends, it could be explored with moments of her being frustrated, or trying to get some time with the girls, but ending up feeling like she didn't get enough time with them. y'know, slowly build a boiling point with her character, and have her learn something about balance, and how it plays a key role in life.

The pain in her body, the sourness of her muscles, all of it a second thought compared to her friend.

Soreness?


It was nice and fluffy - not padded, though. Not something I normally enjoy. It's a 'comfort' fic. Still good, though. :moustache:

Without you my friend, and I'll tell you all about it when I see your again.

10137623
Oh my, someone actually read one of my older thangs? Mucho apprecio!

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