• Member Since 17th Jan, 2017
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RainbowSparkle3


Just a huge MLP fan hoping to please you by writing decent fanfiction and reviews.

E
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Sunset asks Rainbow to come meet her at Sugar Cube Corner. She has a confession to make, one which she'd been keeping secret for a long time. When Rainbow accepts, a wonderful relationship blooms...But, will it last ?
An entry into Oroboro's Sunset Shimmer Shipping Contest.

Edited with the help of Fedairkid, make sure to check him out, as he's got some really great stories!

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 69 )

Interesting fanfic, this is the first Rainbow and Sunset romance I have ever read. I thought it was good, but could have used more fluff.

Great first romance on site :pinkiehappy::coolphoto::twilightsmile:

8394531
Oh! Sorry, I marked it as complete, but it's actually gonna have 4 chapters! Fixed it.

8394534
Cool, looking forward to future chapters then.

Good so far, but don't rush it. Some parts definitely felt rushed.

8394712
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to point out where?

8394714
My guess is probably how Sunset and Rainbow are just suddenly together. I didn't want to change anything about that though. First of all because there are more chapters to come, so them getting together isn't the focus of the story but the relationship itself is. Also because when you think about it it actually makes a lot of sense for Rainbow to have a crush on Sunset.

Maybe i should've said somethign regardless though. I have failed you:applecry:

8394734
Don't sweat it, you did great. :ajsmug: You're right, that's not the focus of the story, and you're also right about it making sense for Rainbow to like Sunset. :twilightsmile:

Yesss :rainbowkiss:

Don't tell anyone, or else people are gonna start thinking I'm a masochist or something."

Okay that's my favorite quote. :rainbowlaugh:

Really cute! You could have focused on their first date a little bit more, but it's an enjoyable story!

I can't say I've read this ship before, but I think you made their interactions believable :twilightsmile:

Picnic was a nice idea, as was Dash's messy house.

I have some advice about this bit below, if you'd be interested?

"Well, I wouldn't say tidy, but it is certainly tidier than yours," Sunset said jokingly. Rainbow shrugged her shoulders, then responded.

"Eh, whatever you say. So, what do you wanna do?" Sunset thought for a little while, then an idea popped into her head.

"We haven't had a good gaming session in a while. I challenge you to a fight in Power Ponies!" Rainbow cockily smirked at the suggestion.

"Alright, you're on! But don't expect to win, I've gotten better since that last time you beat me," Rainbow said confidently.

Have you read the writing guide bit about action tags? They're very useful, but their existence can also make things confusing.

The great thing about action tags is that they allow just about anything relating to a character to be used instead of 'X Character said.' So you can have something like:

"Yeah, good luck with that," Adagio slammed the door in the salesman's face.

Which is great, because doing it with normal dialogue tags but still keeping the action has a slightly different feel to it:

"Yeah, good luck with that," Adagio said, slamming the door in the salesman's face.

They both achieve the same thing, and either might work better in particular situations, but there's also a subtle difference to how the sentence comes across. I think the first one is snappier, which probably suits the mood of the moment better.

Anyway, I'm not actually trying to make a point about how great action tags are, but more mentioning a problem they throw up. The problem I'm (long-windedly) highlighting is that if action tags can replace dialogue tags, then any action description can be mistaken for an action tag, if it follows or precedes dialogue. So to me, your sentence here:

"We haven't had a good gaming session in a while. I challenge you to a fight in Power Ponies!" Rainbow cockily smirked at the suggestion.

reads like it's Rainbow who's saying the line, because the action description refers to her, and so could be interpreted as an action tag for her dialogue. My suggestion, therefore, would be to try to line up the actions described with the characters doing the speaking, according to paragraph breaks.

So, the original (with colours to emphasise which character the text is referring to) looks like this:

"Well, I wouldn't say tidy, but it is certainly tidier than yours," Sunset said jokingly. Rainbow shrugged her shoulders, then responded.

"Eh, whatever you say. So, what do you wanna do?" Sunset thought for a little while, then an idea popped into her head.

"We haven't had a good gaming session in a while. I challenge you to a fight in Power Ponies!" Rainbow cockily smirked at the suggestion.

"Alright, you're on! But don't expect to win, I've gotten better since that last time you beat me," Rainbow said confidently.

But I think it would be clearer who's saying which bit if you restructured where the line breaks are, like this:

"Well, I wouldn't say tidy, but it is certainly tidier than yours," Sunset said jokingly.

Rainbow shrugged her shoulders, then responded. "Eh, whatever you say. So, what do you wanna do?"

Sunset thought for a little while, then an idea popped into her head. "We haven't had a good gaming session in a while. I challenge you to a fight in Power Ponies!"

Rainbow cockily smirked at the suggestion. "Alright, you're on! But don't expect to win, I've gotten better since that last time you beat me," Rainbow said confidently.

This way, it still keeps to the 'new speaker, new paragraph' rule, but it also has 'new character described, new paragraph' which lines up with the dialogue. It even means you can change the penultimate line to:

Rainbow cockily smirked at the suggestion. "Alright, you're on! But don't expect to win, I've gotten better since that last time you beat me," she said confidently.

Since you've already now named Rainbow once in that paragraph, and so 'she' should be understood to be referring to her unless another (female) character's name is mentioned in between.

Does that sound ok? No pressure to write any way but the way you want, of course, but I think it's a fairly accepted 'rule' of writing, and so readers may find it confusing if you don't stick to it most of the time.

The other thing I'd say is that long, detailed action scenario descriptions of some kinds just don't, in my opinion, work in print. The first scene I ever wrote was a group fight scene, describing it blow by blow. It did not work! Within a few lines I moved to just describing the characters' inner thoughts instead, and left the fighting in the background as if on autopilot. Twice now I've tried to edit big group fight scenes other people have written, and both times it's been torturous, and the end result has still been far from great. I think they're just best avoided.

I'm afraid that's how I reacted to the big paragraph describing the video game match. To me that was just a big wall of text, and I had trouble imagining it as I went, so I soon ended up skimming that paragraph and picking up again properly at the next one. I'd personally suggest a different approach to that kind of thing, the next time you aim to write something like that. Is it actually important what's going on on the screen, or does it matter more how the characters are reacting to it? They're the thing the reader is invested in, rather than a video game they've never heard of before, so I think it'd be better to focus on that.

But that's just me, and is by no means objectively right, and many others may have a completely different view :twilightsmile:

I hope you don't mind me saying all that.

Well done with the story so far :twilightsmile:

8396051
You have many good points. I'll have to fix some parts later. Thanks. :ajsmug:

8396100 Entirely your call, it's not meant to pressure you to alter anything you don't want to :twilightsmile:

8396113 Thanks, happy you understand :twilightsmile: Might be worth finishing the other two chapters first, as the contest deadline is only two days away, but it might also be worth bearing in mind when writing them? Whatever you think best :pinkiesmile:

8396121
Oh well, I'm done the preliminary stage of writing both. Sooo, it's a bit late, but I'll try to keep that in mind as i edit. :ajsmug:

8396164 No worries, glad to hear you've got them done, deadlines and creativity can be mean things to make work together :twilightoops:

8396313 I think it looks much better now, by the way :twilightsmile:

Sorry, but I'm afraid you've lost some of the line breaks in that passage I coloured blue and gold,
so the lines are coming out
right next to each other like this.

Might need an edit to add an extra tap of the enter key between each one so that bit matches the rest?

Gee, that went downhill fast. Good chapter!

8396393
Haha, yeah, thanks. But come on, you had to have seen it coming when I pulled out the famous 'All was well." :rainbowwild:

8396497
:ajbemused::ajsleepy::flutterrage::rainbowdetermined2::twilightsmile::eeyup::trollestia::unsuresweetie::scootangel::coolphoto:

We probably shouldn't be doing this here lol.

8396515
And RainbowSparkle3 is the winner! (Whoo! We love you! You're the best fanfic writer ever! :rainbowlaugh:)

8396325
I would like to know what you think about the reworked game scene. It was one of my biggest concerns with the story as well, but we decided to alter it a bit. It's certainly not perfect, but it should break the focus away from Sunset and Rainbow a lot less now.

Well done!
I know how hard you've been working on this project and apologize for being late to the party.
The effort you have put in really shows, and I believe this is your best work so far.
You could see the confrontation between Sunset and Rainbow coming, and when it hits you handle it very well. The way you capture the emotion makes this to my mind this is the best of the three chapters so far.
Keep up the good work!

than a trophy! Anger was

forgot the quotation mark after trophy!"

Poor girls. :ajsleepy:

8396668
Thank you, but you should really be thanking my editor, Fedairkid. My story wouldn't be the same without him. :twilightsmile:

8396896
Fixed. Also, what do you mean by 'poor girls?' I just woke up, so forgive me if it's something really obvious. :twilightsheepish:

8397485 It just sucks that they're fighting. It's natural, duh, but it doesn't mean you look forward to arguing with someone you care about.

8397978
Of course. :ajsmug: Oh yeah, and you can expect the final chapter to be published within an hour or so. :twilightsmile:

8397483
kind words. A bit out of place considering i wasnt available during the final hour now :facehoof:

Guess it was a tad too much exhaustion after all :twilightoops:

Still, i think the story came out pretty good :twilightsmile:

Thats a little creepy and ominous at the ending there. Still though, great job with this story.

8398546
Creepy and ominous? I meant to make it sound like there's hope for the future! :rainbowlaugh: If you want, I could make a sequel. I was kinda planning to do that anyways, and if anyone said they wanted one, I would definitely do it. So, want a sequel? :duck:

8398556
It just had that creepy vide to it. Like Sunset was going to start stalking her or something like some crazy ex :P. I would want a sequel thank you!!!

A crazy Sunset stalking RD sequel would be kinda nice

8398632
Uh, actually, I think that person that disliked this just now did so because they thought that was what was happening. I wouldn't want to reinforce that even more. :twilightsheepish: I already kinda know how the story is gonna go, so, sorry. :ajsleepy:

8398639
no worries, it's your story mate, tell it how you will. I rather liked it.

8398642
Thanks. I hope that rather ambiguous ending doesn't have more people disliking it. :twilightoops:

8398646
I honestly wouldn't worry about likes and dislikes. they're so arbitrary on this site as to be practically meaningless.

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