• Member Since 17th Jan, 2017
  • offline last seen Yesterday


Just a massive MLP fan hoping to please you by writing decent fanfiction and reviews.


Celestia is unable to stop the two evil royal sisters, Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon knocking her out before she could destroy them. However, Daybreaker is stronger than Nightmare Moon, so Luna's evil counterpart is at a large disadvantage for the first half of the battle.
Soon, though, Nightmare Moon finds a way to increase her power, and her strength becomes equal to Daybreaker’s.
As the evil sisters battle, Celestia lays unconscious on the castle floors, Luna and Starlight trying to wake her up.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 21 )

Awesome. Simply Awesome! :rainbowkiss:

Thank you! I hope to keep you feeling like that in the second part. :twilightsmile:

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Oh, just in case anyone reading this disliked the story, I wanted to ask why. Is it because it felt rushed, the characters seemed, well, out of character, or something else? If you can tell me, I'd be happy to make any revisions you think would make the story better. Thank you. :pinkiesmile:

Hmm... it's not a bad concept, really. It was interesting to see more of these two fighting to say the least :twilightsmile:
Some grammar issues aside (May discuss them if you wish), the biggest problem of this story I see is the pacing. It's too slow to convey the feeling of action and tension.

Especially if this should be a thriller. You know, magic swooshing past. Walls falling down. Nostrils flaring. Horns fizzling. Wings flapping... You get the picture.
Faster pace can most easily be acquired by keeping the sentences as short and simple as possible, I tried mimicking it a few lines above as you can see. Surely there shouldn't be any space to stop and start reminding the reader about the characters' abilities. It kind of breaks the serious atmosphere, moving it to closer to the parody territory. However, far more spots in the story suffer from this, not just the reader addressing one.

Thank you for your feedback! :twilightsmile: I'll make sure to keep that in mind when writing future stories like this.

You're welcome, I hope it was clear enough :twilightsmile:

Yup, I understood it fully, and thinking about it again, I did feel something was off about my story when I was reading over it, but I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. Now, thanks to your feedback, I know what it was. :pinkiehappy:

Iknow this is kind of late, but I would like to discuss grammar. I read over both chapters several times, and I thought I fixed everything. Care to enlighten me on what was wrong? :twilightsmile:

I'm now away on vacation, but once I return, I'll make sure to do so and report back. :twilightsmile:

Not really, but I'll try to go through it.

So, I'm done now. Found some grammar issues, as well as some pacing and stylistic matters worth a word or two of explanation. I'd prefer to discuss these through PM, if that's okay with you.

On it now. Please mind the time difference here in Europe. When you send the first message, I was fast asleep.

Oh, right. That's kind of funny, as I'm now about to go to sleep. :rainbowlaugh:

Good night then :rainbowlaugh: I believe that once you wake up, a PM will be awaiting you.

Login or register to comment