Christmas is right around the corner, and that means it's time for some crappy fic to come out and wash out any semblance of dignity we, the pony fandom, have for ourselves.
Rainbow and Sunset are just normal roommates. Dash is always losing her keys, forgetting to lock her door and the like, normal roomie things. They are just a normal couple of girls living together in a small neighborhood. Rainbow decides to attempt changing their simple relationship and make it so much more complicated than it needs to be.
She didn't think she'd get as far as she did.
CAUTION: Cool people stuff happens in this story. If you are not a cool person some of this may not make sense to you. I am not to blame for mixed messages, and will not answer stupid comments.
Cover Art credit goes to its owner. It isn't lost, it will find its way home, don't worry.
purely adorableness
what movie did they watch
8636794
I dunno.
That was... not terrible. Could use a splash of polish, and it felt more like two or three fics smashed together. But it was cute and the highlight was definitely the snow fort battle. Rainbow felt a bit... un-Rainbow in parts though, but she's a very fluid and multifaceted character and she still worked. And tbh it's a lot better than most fics that get featured.
8935188
Hey, thanks a lot! I appreciate you taking the time to read my story, even if some parts were a bit “ugh.” I appreciate the feedback, I’m always trying to improve and every little bit helps!
8936508
Honestly all you really need is an editor, or even just a pair of eyes to scan it before you publish. The main 'problem' I would say, if any, is that the narrator interjects so much personality that it takes away from Sunset and Rainbow. If you took a shot every time you said "thingamajig" or "majiggy", you'd probably be too drunk to finish. There's no shame in Googling "what's the name of the heat radiator thing in apartments". If any writer says they don't Google a dozen things per thousand words, they're lying. Now, I know that maybe the narration was following what Rainbow and Sunset called it, but that would be an assumption that might not reflect your style. I couldn't tell as it was mostly third person omniscient. There's no problem with giving flavor to your third person omniscient narrator (I do it often because it's fun), but it just took me out of it and reminded me that I was reading words rather than being immersed in the story.
There's also the whole overarcing thing about oneshots that are basically the last chapter of a mutual pining slow burn. This would have a lot more punch if we had seen the development of feelings on both or even just Rainbow's side. We're just plopped down in the middle of the fic and told that Rainbow likes Sunset, we see her execute the plan, and we see a minor communication error balloon out of control and then settle itself, and then we get some fluff. That's not exactly a /problem/, per se, and I think that this is one of those oneshots that works with the formula, and it's got the snow fort battle segment that heavily distinguishes it from other fics like it (as well as being more than just 1.5K words long; I literally only read 3K+ word fics at the barest minimum). This isn't a specifically this fic type of thing but it is a general trend on this site. Still, every oneshot is another step to multi-chaptered fics.
The conflict really isn't that contrived. If I were to criticize something, I'd say the execution was a bit quick and extreme and the blow-up was kind of out of nowhere; stretching it out a tiny bit would help with flow and transition between Rainbow pining after Sunset and the girls cuddling. However, since the main focus of the fic did seem to be the snow fight, that's totally fine. The problem is that it was completely out of nowhere, and wasn't mentioned in the story's description. Something like "featuring gratuitous amounts of Pinkie Pie's snow howitzer cannons" in the description would definitely help to get more unique viewers, especially since a lot of readers on here have the attention span of a squirrel with ADHD compared to people like me who are totally fine with, say, reading 20K chapters. It's just weird to me that the best part of the fic was a complete sucker punch.
As for the polish, the only real cohesive thing that would help is adding more details here and there, just sprinkling more life into this world you created. I had a lot of questions in the back of my mind building up. Why are they living together? When is this in relation to school and canon? What about Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy? Why does Rainbow hate the winter so much slash why is she such a klutz in the ice if she's got her body in such great shape from all the sports? What does the apartment look like? How's the neighborhood? How big is the park? Is it an indoor or an outdoor ice skating rink? If people like Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Douglas Adams, Herman Melville, John Steinbeck, Leo Tolstoy, all the big name authors from yesteryear can spend five and a half pages just talking about a house or something, a single paragraph here and there giving some more offhand information and worldbuilding can give so much more immersion and enjoyment into your fics. A lesson I myself have trouble following most of the time. There was also a few snap changes in tone and mood that threw me for a loop, like when Rainbow suddenly yelled at Sunset to get out right after a lighthearted joke.
The fluff was good though, and there was a lot of heart and soul in the story. I can tell this had work put into it, that you as an author really gave a shit. The gradient from the romcom to the surrealism of the [war flashbacks] scenes and then right back into romcom again was really well done. Again, I just can't get over how a surprise military metaphor made me appreciate the warm fuzzies even more, but it totally did. Probably some artistic duality psychology term or something. Point is, I really liked the parts you did really well on. I just think that your dry, droll, sarcastic summary just prepped me to be overly critical from the beginning, and then went in a completely different tonal direction. Maybe cut out the deprecation just a tad, or at least put it in the end-of-fic author's note. And also maybe drop the crossover tag since there didn't seem to be anything it actually crossed over with, unless I missed it? But yeah, I just wanted more, and from a 7K fic, that's not the best feeling, especially from a oneshot. But you should always have your reader wanting more; you don't want a reader to be sick of your stuff, after all. This is a fic that upon further recollection becomes even more enjoyable, so props for that, and it definitely deserves more attention than what it got.
Sorry for the book, ehehe...
8938006
Again, I cannot express my thanks for the feedback. I appreciate someone so talented as yourself giving me some advice. I’ll be sure to take some notes on this and hopefully improve my work in the future. I’m just a sophomore in Highschool so I’ve got a lot to learn
Oofity, she must be even colder now. 😬
Damn, that's longer than I expected.
Now I'm questioning how she has yet gotten chilly or something being out in the cold that long.
Can't argue there.
Yes, yes you did sunset.
Yep, it's a sign that it's gonna be a while til rainbow dash is over what happened earlier.
She must of been crying after she fled off after sunset laughed at her about going to that event.
Looks like sunset went out late and got it for her.
Now that's what I call a surprise attack! 😯
Shouldn't have done it rainbow.
There goes her plan/date rainbow wanted.
And maybe a bit bad too.
At least everything worked out in the end.