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1. The Scene of the Accident2,532 words
2. Guilty Bystanders4,902 words
3. Brilliant Flashes of the Obvious2,218 words
4. Brevity is the Soul of Twit3,825 words
5. Purple Pain3,226 words
6. Steam Powered Tweezers3,107 words
7. The Road to Heck6,600 words
8. Born to rite, Educated to edit4,391 words
9. The End Is A New Beginning5,080 words
10. Chapter of Ultimate Madness3,570 words
11. Chapter the 13th, Part 20206,119 words
12. April the Twelve Twelvths2,322 words
13. Lucky Day3,109 words

13. Lucky Day

Thoughtletts
Chapter Thirteen

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
—Chris Evans

It’s that time of year again, just in time for recycling. Some of these used bits wound up in Never The Final Word - Volume 2 (This time it’s personal), but I’m including them here because I’m too lazy to pick them out, like raisins in Raisin Bran. Besides, they’re good for you, and free.

From Viking VX, we have a request for submissions from LTUE (Life, The Universe, and Everything) for a charity compilation called “Dog Save the King.” I couldn’t resist.

https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1010720/dog-save-the-king-submission-call-from-hemelein

It began, as all things do, with barking.

Oh, there was some growling also. A few yaps from the smaller subjects. An occasional yelp as a tail or foot was stepped on. And sniffing, because you could not get two or more dogs together without appropriate sniffing. After the Attendance Tree was watered by all present, they settled down in a large circle with the King at the center, and his Royal Court at either side.

Duke Bloodworth the Seventh was first to speak, boy. Speak. And his stentorian whoofs made the others turn rapidly to silence until only the sound of breathing filled the Circle. And a few scratches because a flea or two had infiltrated the Council.

"We have a serious accusation put forth by Maximus of Lower Seventh Street by the Butcher," he spoke in a voice that resonated around the trees. "Proceed."

"Thank you." Max strode forth, the moonlight glinting off his silver nametag and painting his mottled black and white coat pale. "It is with a heavy heart that I place this accusation in front of the Council. There is no other way to say it. " He pointed at the King, rigid from his nose to his tail. "The King is a chicken! A giant chicken!"

Chicken Boo, Chicken Boo, you don't do like the other chickens do.
You wear a disguise to look like canine guise, but you're not a dog, you're a Chicken, Boo.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/531989/the-castles-what
A pleasant little story about Twilight Sparkle’s new castle and the Ponyville building inspector. Since I’ve given Green Grass so much heck in The Substitute Librarian for becoming more romantically involved with Twilight’s house than Twilight, I thought it would be a good idea to put an addition onto this story in the same architecture. If it’s zoned right, of course.

Right Angle was looking forward to going home to his own reasonable and rational dwelling. It had doors that stayed put, hallways that did not move when you looked a different direction, and a wife who always cooked beet lasagna this time every week. It even had two reasonable children, one filly and one colt, who brought home reasonable homework and asked reasonable questions when working on it after dinner. His home had everything he wanted.

Except it was not where he had left it this morning.

There was a quite different house five hundred and seven paces down the street where his house belonged. A familiar house since it belonged to his next-door neighbor, who was not next-door as he was earlier. In sequence, every other house on the block was where it belonged, minus one spot, until he came to his house at the end, and three young children playing in the yard with Twilight Sparkle's crystal castle in the near background.

"Hello, Father," called out Orthogonal, who was organizing the other two children's exercise in sand castle construction. "This is Harmony. She's new to the neighborhood. Or our new neighborhood, I suppose."

"She's nice," said Quadratic, who had some sand on the end of his nose. "Mother says she can stay for dinner if you approve."

Right Angle looked down at the children and the smiling lilac unicorn who had put aside her sand bucket for the moment. "Hello, Mr. Angle," she said shyly. "I'm a little new to this 'dinner' experience, but I'd like to stay for dinner if you have some stewed calcite I can nibble on. Afterward, can you introduce me to your house?" She looked back over her shoulder and seemed to blush a little across her ears. "He's cute."

So we have a pleasant story from Inky Scrolls about Celestia and her general un-knowledge of the Equestria Postal System where Twilight gets an enormous backlog of mail suddenly as a result. I had to stick my own stamp of approval on it. But I’m not licking it.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/530581/1/celestia-learns-about-stamps/its-not-even-my-best-side

Dear Princess Celestia,

In order to meet recent unexpected bills, I have taken a part-time job as a mailmare in Ponyville. It really is a wonderful job and I can't believe I didn't try it before. I get to meet almost every pony in town with a smile and their daily collection of letters, even if they are mostly bills and junk mail, some of which is postage due.

One particularly good part of the job is the competition for new stamp design, open to postal employees only. To my surprise, I won this year's contest and it had nothing to do with the Elements of Harmony judging the entries at all. I thought they might be a little upset at my surprise bill too, but they put it all behind them, and in any event the new stamp was released today and I used one of them for this letter. I know how you always were critical about the photographers and portrait painters not capturing your right side, and I think my entry truely captured your essence with some of that 'thinking outside the box' that you encouraged in my long years of training that I spent without ever once being told you had a sister. I think this stamp will really let the ponies of Equestria and beyond (since it is an airmail stamp) know a facet of our leader that only really close friendship reveals, and that they will think of that aspect every time they lick a stamp for a letter. After all, I don't think capturing your right side was really the correct goal, and I think this stamp actually shows the right end.

Sincerely,
Postmare Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville, 65674-4027

Sarah Hoyt had a little short fiction contest involving a flaming carousel. Look, they’re horses, ok. As a reader of Monster Hunter International, I had to do it.

https://accordingtohoyt.com/2023/02/11/meme-hectic/#comment-902265

From Sarah Hoyt
"Insurance." I checked the chamber on the Saiga and gave the carousel owner a gentle nudge. "If they don't pay, let me know."

The owner did not say anything. The five pounds of silver wire I had tied around him probably had something to do with that. Or maybe it was the way the blazing carousel was throwing off sparks into the night as it spun faster and faster. The glitter of silver could be seen in the darkness all around us from where I had stapled the wire to trees and posts, leaving only one silverless spot where I was standing.

"Even if it is a little your fault," I continued, watching the gasoline-fueled inferno grow. "You didn't raise one question after the first child vanished. Or the second. Fairly sure tonight won't make three. Fairly sure, that is--"

One blazing horse broke free from the carousel, shifting as it sprang in our direction. From small wooden pony to big dog-like green creature to horse-sized monster in just a few seconds, or at least until I dropped the red dot on the kelpie's chest and started firing. Ten rounds of silver buckshot vanished into the monster's chest in less time than it took for the owner to scream, followed by a full magazine of silver .45 slugs, the last one fired into its skull as the monster plowed into the ground right in front of us.

Silver .45 slugs were expensive, but I put another magazine into the downed kelpie anyway before reloading the shotgun. The owner of the carousel had stopped screaming by then, and just stared at me wide-eyed while I settled down with the shotgun again.

"Could be another," I explained. "You should hope there is. PUFF bounty on them is big enough to replace your kiddie toy twice over."

2/18/23
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/531304/twilight-learns-the-disturbing-truth-about-the-human-world
by VYCanisMelodis

A nice story from a vegetarian about Twilight finding out she just ate some meat in her bagel. Well, as a lover of the perfect combo (bagel, creme cheese, and lox) and a farm kid, I had to add Applejack’s take on the story as she introduces Twilight to the brilliant animals of the farm. (I removed the comment from the story since it upset the author, but I’m including it here because I’m cruel to you guys. Bon Appetit.)

"So..." Twilight took another long look at the sheep. "You said Lanolin is one of the brightest animals on the farm?"

"Yup," said Applejack proudly. "Pretty near the smartest sheep in the whole county. Pigs is still smarter, though."

"Yes, I know that." Twilight rubbed her muddy rump and grimaced. "That boar waited until we were right in the middle of the pen before he charged, just far enough that I couldn't make it to the fence before he ran me over."

"Just be glad we cut off their tusks when they're piglets," said Applejack, leaning on her hoe. "If'n you'd stayed next to me like I said, I'd have smacked him on the head before he got too close. Think he's got just a month or two before we turn him into chops and bacon. Gotta cull the aggressive ones. Sheep..." Applejack took her own look at the fuzzy menace who had just finished every blade of grass he could reach through the fence. "Been breeding 'em for smarts and wool for over a thousand years an' they're still dense as a fencepost."

There was a series of thumps as the sheep backed up, but his head collided with the fence every time, leaving him trapped. He gave off a pathetic bleat, failed to get out several more times, then began to crop the rest of the grass he could reach down beyond the roots. Applejack reached out and twisted the ram's head so it would fit back through the fence slats, then gave him a push that sent the confused sheep backward a few feet and back into his pen. After a few shakes of his head to settle what little brains he had back in place, Lanolin returned to the fence, turned his head sideways to fit through the fence slats, then looked rather upset that the grass had not regrown in the few seconds he had been absent.

"Ah'm gonna go get some boards to fix this hole before another sheep sticks its durned fool head in the hole and we got two of them squalling." Applejack turned and started walking, calling over her shoulder where Twilight was watching the second failed sheepish escape attempt. "Granny's fixing lamb chops for dinner tonight, if'n you want to stay."

"Yes," said Twilight, getting up and brushing some dry mud from her skirt. "Now that I understand a little more about this world. And... do you think we could have a little bacon with it?"

Had Admiral Biscuit leave a note on my note on Cuddles V about unicorns… Heck, I’ll copy it here:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/498339/cuddles-v

Unicorn magic means food skips that critical step between frozen and flambé.

It’s true, and that’s a limitation of unicorn magic. It’s why Princess Platinum offered increasing generous prizes for any unicorn who could figure out how to make palatable food using magic, and why every magic school still requires unicorns to create one recipe before they can graduate (they are not required to summon it from nothing or transmute it from dirt into food, but they must source the ingredients themselves and then prepare them in front of no less than three judges).

Douser took a break from arranging rainclouds around the blazing inferno that had once been the School for Gifted Unicorn's testing facility and glided down to a clump of SGU faculty who were obviously shocked at the results.

"Mid-terms again, I see." Douser held a hoof over his eyes and squinted at the lined steel pole sticking out of the tower's top where the flames ended. "Ninety-seven. New record?"

"By five points," said Musty Page, the Dean of High-Energy Thaumaturgy. "We should have looked at the records before setting Miss Belle to making hot chocolate. Her mother set the previous record." The Dean cast a cautious look at a small family of unicorns a short distance away. The father caught the look and rolled his eyes, returning to providing parental support and gentle back-pats to his sobbing oldest daughter.

"It sounds like she's going to drop out in order to work on becoming a fashion designer," said Miss Pin, the Arcane Librarian, giving a superior sniff. "Pity."

"Well, it looks like they've got another daughter who could attend later," said Douser cheerfully. "You could always have her make something harmless like avocado toast for her mid-term."

Twelve years later when Sweetie Belle had her mid-term exams, Douser could remember his exact words echoing through his head as he watched the rebuilt testing tower slowly melt into slag and begin eating into the granite below.

The Writer’s Group had a thread on what it would look like if the Mane 6 regenerated like Doctor Who. I had to go there.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/472704/what-would-happen-if-the-mane-six-regenerated

"This is going to bring up all kinds of questions." Twilight Sparkle looked at Applejack, then at the former Applejack sprawled out on the rocky valley floor. "I mean are you still really my friend, Applejack? Should we just treat this as a change of clothes, or are you a brand new pony?"

"Ah feel just like ah did before," said Applejack, or at least the one that was alive. She picked the hat up from the valley floor and made to put it on her head, only to stop when it hung up on the horn. "Well, almost," added Applejack with a cross-eyed look at the new bodily appendage.

"Not quite," said Rarity, who had begun to study a rock on the nearby valley wall. "There's just one more thing you're going to need."

"Pants," declared Pinkie Pie with a look underneath her friend. "Look at the bright side. You'll know how your brother feels now."

Shrink Laureate did a touching story about how much trouble it is to get Twilight Sparkle to realize she’s being set up to rule so the Sisters can retire at last. I thought that was being too easy on the two vacationing plotters...

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/491191/abdication

"Sister, we hath a letter from your student. She is inviting us to Canterlot to participate in court."

"Oh, no. Not a chance. I'm working on my tan."

"Not a full Royal Court," corrected Luna as she read. "It would be very small. Nine members, to be exact, and none of them her."

"She's not going to be at court?" Celestia arranged her reflector to get more sunlight under her chin. "Good. She must be too busy actually ruling."

"Actually, she's setting up something called..." Luna carefully phrased the odd word. "Parle-lee-ment. Are you certain we should turn down her invitation, Celly? At least one of us should attend, and it might as well be both so we don't have to describe it back and forth afterward. The letter says it would be most excellent. A supreme court is her exact phrasing."

Now I don’t normally do an ‘answer’ to one of my own blurbs, but this is an exception. Zubric wrote a story where Starlight Glimmer turns herself into an inflatable pool toy. I thought I’d show how witty I am, or at least half-way, by referring to Twilight Sparkle Makes a Coltfriend… Literally in a sideways fashion. Then… Well, you’ll see

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/494430/the-inflatable-starlight

"Squeak squeakin squeak squeaker, squeakum squeakie squeak."
(*) Translation: Take it from me, turning into a plush pony is a bad idea and will not end well.

Zubric - Funny cause I’m making a twilight plush story. Everyone can’t resist hugging her

"Darling, it's just a loose thread. I don't see why you're being so..."

Rarity stopped pulling and looked at the collection of loose purple cloth and tufts of stuffing spread out across the library floor.

"Oh, bother." After due consideration, she removed a needle from her emergency sewing kit and set to work. After all, there had always been some very minor shape and proportion problems with Twilight's figure, and this was the perfect opportunity to make her the perfect princess.

Rambling Writer has a touching story about Twilight moving the constellations around to prevent the end of the universe. Thankfully, she did not do that earlier.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/493904/misaligned

"Princess Celestia! I was reviewing Predictions and Prophecies and saw there was a stellar conjunction that would release Nightmare Moon, and I know moving the stars is very difficult, but I studied every tome in the library on it and managed to shift the conjunction forward several centuries so you'll have more time to prepare and... Princess Celestia? Why are you crying?"

TheOneWithoutAName put out an interesting Changeling/Royal Sisters M-rated fic where Celestia, Luna, Thorax and Pharynx get hooked up. I think it would also make a darling Y-rated fic if I ever got time, as I hinted in my comment.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/493309/marriages-are-a-changeling

What's worse, I can see a version of this happening in Y-rated canon, when Cadence decides that Moose-Bug and Auntie would make such a cute couple, and sneaks a little 'extra' paperwork into the peace treaty stack to be signed by both of them.

"Thorax?" Celestia gave the love-bug sitting beside her at the table a gentle bump. "Do you have any idea why my niece just broke out in unconditional giggling and fled the room?"

"I'm not sure." Thorax gave out a little hiccup and shook his head. "She put out a burst of luuuuve just as we were signing. I feel like that one time I went out drinking cactus juice with Pharynx."

"oh, no," said Celestia in a very small voice before bending down and leafing through the papers on the table. "Quick, help me look through this treaty we just signed. I know her. She's sneakier than Luna."

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