Thoughtletts

by Georg

1. The Scene of the Accident

Author's Note:

I suppose I should elaborate a little. Over the last year or so, I’ve gotten little bursts of creativity (like sick fireflies, I suppose) while reading other people’s stories or blog posts, which inspire me to write little scenes or snarky reactions, not quite big enough to go into Horizon’s Never The Final Word anthology (which you should go read, by the way), but too good not to save inside the document I was using to edit and draft those little gems (or chunks of quartz or perhaps solidified gum on your shoe). All I needed was an excuse to share them with people who have similar twisted senses of humor. Respectively, that’s April Fool’s Day and you (because you’re reading this, after all). Enjoy.

Thoughtletts
(Hey, it’s all in fun, until somepony pokes an i out.)

---

From Kudzu’s The Perilous Gestation of Swans on the diet of pregnant alicorns
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/368261/the-perilous-gestation-of-swans

"Sister?" Luna craned her head to get a glance at where Celestia was curled around a bowl of something that smelled of chocolate and...something else. "What is that?"

"Chocolate-covered coffee beans," she muttered through packed cheeks.

"Oh." Luna sniffed the air. "Are there any left?"

She did not get an immediate response, only a low, feral growl that raised the hairs on the back of her neck.

"Well, how many have you had so far?" she asked instead.

"Five," snarled Celestia.

"Oh." Luna looked around the room. "Bowls or beans?"

"Fifty pound bags," admitted Celestia. "Be a dear and see if there's a new shipment yet."

---

Coalfire had his wisdom teeth out
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/724896/thanks-for-your-patience-guys

"I hate this," grumbled Queen Chrysalis. "Queen of all the changelings, and I'm reduced to a squeaky toy." She wobbled the hoof that was holding onto said toy with a sad little squeak. "Let the little vermin in before I lose my patience."

A small door in the nearby wall opened up, and a little pink foal toddled out, her knobby knees and clumsy hooves giving her gait an unsteady, bursty tendency. She spotted the squeaky toy tied around Chrysalis's hoof and stumbled forward, with eyes only for the tiny little sparkly ball that made such tempting noises.

"Ah, that's better," sighed the changeling queen. She waved the little toy to the great amusement of the little foal and soaked up the childish stream of love that followed. The gaping pits in her jaws where her wisdom fangs used to be would be healed up in three or four weeks, and by then, she was so looking forward to some real solid food in her diet again.

---

From Kris Overstreet’s story
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/367354/an-orderly-transfer-of-power

Hm, counting days makes Luna's mandatory vacation upcoming too, but since a challenger withdrawing from the rebellion can appoint an equal as her/his alternate, I really expect Princess Luna to appoint Princess (wait for it) Twilight, thus leaving Twilight facing off against Twilight.

"Have at thee!" declared Princess Twilight Sparkle at the top of her lungs. There was a brief pause as she trudged over to the other end of the field, turned around, and responded.

"If that's the way you want it, I shall ensure your defeat!" Then Twilight trudged back across the field of battle for her next line.

"Dear?" said Night Light, looking a little worried while sitting next to his wife in the Distinguished Guests section. "I really don't recall this kind of behavior in any of my relatives."

---

From Nygerguds post Concerning the value of Groundhog Day
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/721957/concerning-the-value-of-groundhog-day

"So how long do we have to wait here?" hissed Luna to her sister, keeping her voice down in order not to draw attention from the rest of the crowd.

"No more than another hour or two," whispered Celestia back. "Have a little respect for their tradition, Luna. The ceremony of Groundhog Determination is a very ancient tradition of these earth ponies."

"Only two centuries," whispered Luna. "Hardly a blip. What happens if the rodent doesn't come out of its den?"

"Early spring," whispered Celestia. "I keep the sun up a little longer during the days so the weather warms up. It's a delightful time, with—"

There was an ear-splitting screech and a fat groundhog fairly exploded out of the rough hole in the ground. He darted back and forth, finally landing on his rump with a faint hiss of an extinguished fire and a small trail of smoke fading away from his panicked flight.

"Huzzah!" declared Luna into the resulting silence. "Six more weeks of winter!"

---

From JediMasterEd’s blog on submitting stories to Hasbro
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/715230/pray-for-the-ponies-inside-your-head-for-they-wont-be-there-when-youre-dead

Needs a story to go with it - It's So Hard To Say No!
A collection of Twilight Sparkle's rejection letters to ponies who have sent suggestions in to her.

Dear Half Flat,
We have received your musical submission, or at least we think it is a musical submission, because there are notes on the page and words that rhyme. In places. Unfortunately at this time we do not have an electric tuba or a 488 piece hypersonic pipe organ to properly do justice to your composition. Perhaps you could try Yakyakistan.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

---

(From There Goes the Neighborhood)
Meanwhile, in another time and place...

Agent Murial looked up from the giant wad of paperwork at the sound of a light tapping against the Secret Service office door, giving a brief gasp at what she saw there.

"Excuse me," said the tall white horse, who was looking around the office rather shyly. "My sister and I are looking for the White House Transition Office. We're both so glad to be working for the new president."

"Y-y-you're..." Agent Murial continued to stare until the horse gave another blink of surprise.

"Oh, pardon me. I'm Celestia and this is my sister Luna. Luna?" Celestia looked back over her shoulder and gave a sigh. "Nevermind, she found the coffee machine. Anyway, we're the new minority hires with the presidential transition team."

"...unicorns," finished Murial rather weakly, suddenly feeling an urge to unpack that bottle of gin she had in one of the correspondence boxes.

"Alicorns, actually." The horned horse extended a snow-white wing slightly and gave it a brief flap. "Technically, we're endangered species, but whenever that gets mentioned in a government office, somebody always brings up the topic of a breeding program, and that inevitably descends into a discrimination lawsuit. We just need a little space to put our things." She smiled in a way that made the thin sunbeam coming in through Agent Murial's window seem to twinkle and dance. "You'll never even notice we're here."

---

From Estee’s Blog Post (I seem to do a lot of Thottlets there) about Blink and Pegasi
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/720553/probably-the-stupidest-possible-response-to-all-the-blink-inspirations-variants-why-should-unicorns-have-all-the-fun

Twilight Sparkle picked her way out of the library, keeping her hooves flat against the ground and shuffling in order not to step on any of the mewing mass of mouse-hunters. Moving in that slow fashion took nearly an hour to get to Sugarcube Corner, where Rainbow Dash sat morosely at a table, batting kittens off it whenever they climbed too high.

She sat down after carefully brushing the chair clear of cats, took a deep breath, and looked at her somewhat naked looking friend, trying her best to phrase her question in a gentle fashion before just blurting it out. "So, all of the pegasi in Ponyville are molting because of the spell I cast?"

---

From Estee’s blog post
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/719610/patreon-blog-takeover-how-to-general-equivalency-diploma-your-dragon-brumby-run

What's worse, Spike has become accustomed to being the Most Trusted Individual for the brilliant Twilight Sparkle (now Princess), and acting as sort-of the anti-Twilight, as in when she's panicked, he has to be calm, when she's overworking herself, he has to step in, etc... And some of that 'bright' has rubbed-off.

"Ah!" Measured Response gave a huff of suppressed aggravation at the sight of Spike casually strolling into the testing room. "Finally! Take your quill and be seated, please. This standardized test for the Equestrian Education Evaluation committee will take four hours, starting--"

"Just a moment, Mister Response," said Spike, looking over the top of the sealed test. "You have the wrong age category on the E3 here. This is the Twelve Year Revision B7 Stroke Q E3 test for multi-species performance evaluation."

The bureaucrat frowned, flipping through his notes. "You are twelve."

"Yes, but testing for non-pony races is based on a sliding scale," explained Spike. "Twilight was researching it a few years ago. You need the table found in 'Equestrian Educational Evaluation Average Age Adjustment' or what Twilight called the E3A3."

"Not a problem." The unicorn dipped into his briefcase and flipped through forms briefly before extracting a piece of thick cardboard festooned with numbers. "Now, your species is draconus vulgaris, which puts us on this line, average age of—" The bureaucrat stopped and looked at Spike over the top of his glasses.

"One thousand, eight hundred and fifty," confirmed Spike. "Which leaves you in the first column, Toddler Pre-School. There's only one E3 test for that age category, and the answers are triangle, house, red, blue, pegasus, unicorn, and Princess Celestia. Can I go now? I left Twilight alone in Princess Luna's library, and she's in a reshelving mood."

---

From the NSFW story Hillary Clinton Saves Equestria
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/365660/hillary-clinton-saves-equestria

Reminds me of a nondenominational joke. Princess Celestia was having problems coordinating her rule over the Principality of Equestria with her sister, Luna, so she called in the three greatest minds in American politics into her throne room to give her advice.

When Bernie was called forward, he scratched his chin for a while and said, "What you both need is to tear down Canterlot and go live among the common ponies, using all the money and resources that go into this city to help the poor and downtrodden."

Well, that sounded a little extreme, and there really were not that many poor and downtrodden ponies to help anymore due to her benevolent leadership over the many centuries, so she turned to the next politician.

Donald Trump pushed forward, looking around with a frown. "For starters, you need to redecorate this dump. It's really sad. Put some solid gold pillars over there, some diamond floor tiles, and a huge sign across the front with your name on it. Plus the real estate market in the city is stagnant. You need some casinos and hotels to bring in the high-rollers, with some real quality chefs for the buffet. I've got a few names in mind, and I can start tomorrow if you give me the word."

Since Canterlot already had far too many rich and stuck-up ponies for her taste, and most of the diamond floor tiles were going into the renovation of the Crystal Empire castle anyway, Celestia just shook her head and turned to the third politician.

Hillary Clinton walked up to Celestia and pointed. "You're sitting in my chair, (censored)."

---

(From a comment on Drifting Down the Lazy River)
"So..." Gaberdine looked down at the rough husk digging into to his chest. "We managed to get the pod attached, and you said it should provide nutrition and oxygen for the foal—"

"Foals," corrected Pearl shyly.

"Foals," said Gaberdine with a gulp, looking down again at the rough brown pod. "So another four or five months before they hatch, right? We should probably get a pair of bassinets before them. Or..." Gaberdine hesitated before venturing, "or three?"

"Fifty-seven," said Pearl. "It will probably become a little uncomfortable around the fourth month while they nurse through the skin of the pod, so we'll have to keep your strength up with a high-protein diet high in clam meat and fish, but I don't see why they can't all make it to full term. And if you survive, we'll have to see if we can do this again in a few years to give them some little brothers and sisters."

---

(A comment on why you don’t let a general contractor work unsupervised, which I left in Drifting Down the Lazy river)
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/363036/drifting-down-the-lazy-river

Princess Celestia stood very quietly with her tongue stuck in the corner of her cheek while looking up at the mountain. Finally, she took a deep breath and addressed the young architect at her side.

"I seem to remember asking for a quiet mountain cottage with a view of the valley. Three rooms, perhaps four, a private retreat where I could spend the occasional weekend away from the troubles and stress of court."

"There's at least three rooms in your tower, Your Highness," said Cost Overrun, pointing with one hoof at the tallest tower in the city, done up in enough gold around the edges so that it reflected considerable glints even at this distance. The obsidian glints from a similar tower just slightly behind and to the left made it totally excessive for him to add, "I made a tower for your sister too, just in case.”

Celestia cast a sideways glance at her sister, who was still lying on her back, holding her belly with all four hooves, and laughing her plot off.

"Yes, I can understand why we might not want to share a room." The unspoken "Or I might attempt murder while she's sleeping for suggesting you as a contractor" drifted silently through the air.

---

(From one of my own stories, Drifting Down the Lazy River)

Princess Platinum, Clover the Clever and Chancellor Puddinghead stood next to each other, watching the roaring flames consume Castle Harmony amidst the twinkling flakes of blowing snow. All around them, the evacuated ponies of the former kingdom gathered together in small groups, talking among themselves in hushed tones until Puddinghead broke the silence.

"I hear there's a nifty neat place to live down south," she chirped. "Full of trees and grass and flowers, and without the brr chilly winters we get up here."

"Sounds good to me," said Commander Hurricane as he flew down to land at their side in a flurry of flakes. "We can just write this place off as an insurance loss. Looks like natural causes to me, right everypony?"

"We get double indemnity for an invasion," mused Clover. "Perhaps... Windigos. How does that sound, Your Highness?"

"I suppose," moped the despondent princess.

"Don't worry," chirped Puddinghead with one hoof around Princess Platinum's neck. "Nopony is going to blame you. It was an accident, just like the last seventeen times, only bigger."

"I know," said Platinum with a deep sigh. "I thought it would be different this time. All I was trying to do was make orange juice."

Comments

[Georg]

First! Oh, wait. This is my story. Wonder if I should post an update every year on this day.

[Humanoid]

8066064
If you have to ask, the answer is always "yes."

[Da Fennec]

At to the last thoughtlett makes me wonder if Sweetie Belle is related to Princess Platinum. This also scares me as to what might happen if Blueblood ever tried to cook

[Emptybee]

I'm still deeply in love with the thoughlett about Spike and standardized testing.

[Bugsydor]

Would that last line indicate that Sweetie Belle is actually the lost misplaced heir to the Unicorn Kingdom?

And now I'm imagining a story where a cabal of unicorn royalists (or, more benignly, a collection of unicorn nobles) stumbles upon Sweetie Belle's "cooking" and immediately tries to coronate her.