Alternate ending to the episode 28 Pranks Later. When Rainbow Dash realizes that she had just killed and zombified everypony she ever loved, there is only one way to redeem herself...
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 24th May, 2014
- offline last seen Last Thursday
TheCrimsonDM
Big fan of fantasy and lesbians. If you want magic, lesbians, or ponies, you've come to the right place. Follow me itch.io if you want to see my visual novels. https://thecrimsondm-vanillia.itch.io/
TheCrimsonDM
Joined 24th May, 2014 ·
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I know someone would do this. +1 for originally.
Wow. If not for the dark tone, this could totally be a 'how it should have ended'. Now, how would this have effected Rainbow for the rest of the series?
7726435 I agree, glad you liked it. XD
7726429 Thank you very much. XD
This is not finished. We need to see the fallout. Please continue.
I really enjoyed this, because the town's prank was horrible and messed up. Great job on the portrayal! I really enjoyed reading this!
or... an alternate ending to the alternate ending... Rainbow Dash actually DOES kill herself (with something that isnt the cookies) and everyone must live with the fact they drove their friend into killing herself.
Oh my please do make a sequel to this!
Seriously, you can't just leave this as is, we need to see the fallout, and the Mane Six's attempts to make up for it, as well as Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's reactions to this!
Okay, as much as I loved this, I really don't understand either the "Dark" OR "Horror" tags on it.
Because, to MY mind, anyway, it's neither.
Sorry.
Does Dash kill herself at the end? What happened for this TO merit those tags?!
You've completely LOST me there, I'm afraid.
And I, too, would like to see a sequel to this dealing with the fallout from what the townsponies (and ESPECIALLY Rainbow's so-called "friends") did to her.
This story is only half done.
Like how? Making someone think they killed everyone they ever loved.
I hope you continue this; the misery I got from it was good, but I can tell there's still so much left.
Sequel required. this was good - and I understand that some fics don't need them - but this story really does need something to 'tie it off' so to speak. maybe a perspective from the 'zombified' ponies leading to an attempt at redemption, I don't know. But this does need something to make it extra good.
7726525 Yeah like she does something really crazy like stabs herself before anypony can stop her. But yeah, this deserves a second chapter or a sequel.
7727340: Agreed. This story needs to continue, for it is unresolved.
I wonder how the ponies will deal with this in the future; after all, they had set up a scenario where Rainbow Dash, as far as she knew, murdered all of her friends and then committed suicide.
Brutal, savage, rekt.
This does need a sequel, as I think the issue of how the others handled the situation needs to be dealt with, as well as Rainbow's relationship with her friends.
Some things just shouldn't be done, even when you have a high-minded objective.
While RD is just mean prankster, Pinkie Pie is a freaking psychopath. and Twilight is douchbag. and rest of them are idiots.
damn kinda how i felt about it sure she did a few mean pranks but yeah how would you feel if someone did that to you it'd such a shit thing to have on your mind and it would have a really negative impact on you and your life so i say this really needs a sequel to this real life gut punching eye opening story
That episode needed a climatic ending, with an eerie tone like this, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G6YALi3dbx8
Someone stated in this comment section that the story is half-done. I merely believe the story is half baked.
Dialogue is forced, characters don't act canonically, there is no real plot, no real themes, no real subext. And everyone is congratulating the writer in a circlejerk. Probably a teenage boy who has not even picked up a book on basic story writing.
If you want to become a better writer this link might help you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbwGjpb24Ag
Have a good night, and I wish you a pleasant tomorrow.
7734773 It's easy to have no manners online, isn't it? You get to feel big and tough, and there are no immediate consequences.
You have accused the author of several failures, but having done so you then fail to provide specific examples of these supposed failings in his writing, and then fail to even pretend to offer advice on how to improve, except for a Filthy Frank video link.
Very clever, by the way. Your wit has left me in awe. Takes me back to third grade.
In congratulating the author, we do not deny the story is not perfect, and if he wants to refine his work I am willing to provide assistance, but I fail to see why he should really pay any attention to you when your criticisms are empty, you offer no solutions to these alleged failings, you have no stories of your own that I can find, and that link makes it obvious that you are nothing but a hate-spewing troll whose life is so empty of meaning he has nothing better to do than harass aspiring authors seeking to do something they enjoy.
I advise the author to ignore you, as I will from this point. You have already wasted enough irreplaceable time.
7738193
You won't be paying any more attention to me? Cracks knuckles* Allow me to challenge you on that claim dear sir.
The truth is a paragraph by paragraph analysis requires considerable time; time I would rather spend jacking it, or listening to classical music.
Now, you do make a point. All of my criticisms fail to put an example to their claims. As I have stated, I would prefer not to go too into this. So instead I will analyze the first paragraph, the last paragraph, and a random bit of text in between? Sounds fair? Openings, and ending, typically anyway, provide some major theme; at least highlighting some motif.
So how about this opening.
"They all faced Rainbow Dash. The entire town, zombified, looking for more of the tartarus condemned cookies. Rainbow stepped away from the townsfolk as they approached. Her ears folded flat against her head. Her heart racing a thousand miles a minute."
Now, rule one for the writer of an opening. You have to have some kind of hook. Some type of lead in. This lead should set up the theme, of the book, some motifs, and perhaps even major characters. There is something here, however it in no way adds to tone of the specific work; it is generic as hell, weakly worded, and does nothing to introduce the world/characters. Moreover, the many other ways to lead could have been with an environmental shot, some type of dialogue, or even action not pertaining directly to the primary threat in it of itself. And also, the primary threat. The author robs himself of an inciting incident when he makes the generic lead the inciting incident. When characters rise to action they do so from a base. To take away the base is to take away the contrast between a peaceful life, and the world of conflict the character must go through.
"The entire town, zombified, looking for more of the tartarus condemned cookies. "
Tell not show, for the entire town; and narration. You could show any numerous levels of horror within the town to provide some degree of terror; or better yet look into the mind of the protag to provide some characterization, since this is psychological. But, fuck that; the author instead chooses to give narration. Also, forgive me on this part by "...cookies" I did not see the episode. The word "condemned" implies personification of tartarus, and metaphors only really show value to accentuate atmospheric descriptions or provide tone. Literal. raw objective traits, especially in horror, do far more to ground in the very real physical threat, or mental devastation on a piece (there is the exception of eldritch horror, but this piece does not apply to that genre: I am trying to mention traits specific to the zombie genre).
"Rainbow stepped away from the townsfolk as they approached. "
Cliche of stepping away from horror. This is also a weak verb. This adds nothing inherently to the plot, but is a stand alone datapoint. As for the hordes of townsfolk approaching, well the word townsfolk also doesn't provide much to the atmosphere. If they would have stated something like, "The hordes. Closer." from the perspective of Dash, then maybe I would care (you know, to put me inside the mind of our heroine). These points are all hopelessly generic, and offer nothing of particular interest to this zombie work. At this point I would put the book down if I was in a book shop.
"Her ears folded flat against her head. Her heart racing a thousand miles a minute."
Now I will give the writer this, they at least now how to signal body language to convey fear; however, a point: this does not agree with the rest of the paragraph. What do I mean by that? I mean that the structure has been descriptions, metaphors, and then followed by physical descriptions pertaining to fear. All of which have done nothing for the plot. All of which are generic. All of which have weak verbs, or nouns to prescribe some type of atmosphere. There has been no foreshadowing to any great threats, beyond the immediate zambies, no personal insight to the character at this point (for the situation), no plot/theme centric hook, no personal tone (recurring motifs), and I don't even no where the protag fucking is! Is Dash in her home? A street? I don't know?! I don't even fucking know (from an audience standpoint), if this is even in ponyville! They only say "town" and "townsfolk"!
You know what, let me just cut to the end...
"Even if Rainbow Dash could admit that she’d been a bit mean, if not outright cruel with a few of her pranks lately. There was no way she could forget what her friends did to her that night. Rainbow Dash was wounded by that prank of theirs in ways she never thought possible. That prank had gone too far."
The first sentence is technically only a clause, as it does not describe the primary noun actually doing anything. The second sentence is supposed to make up for that. This is not succinct, nor efficient.
"There was no way she could forget what her friends did to her that night, even if she could admit that she’d been a bit mean, if not outright cruel with a few of her pranks lately."
May I also add this sentence doesn't make sense? Her being "mean" should not effect in any way her ability to remember misdeeds.
"Rainbow Dash was wounded by that prank of theirs in ways she never thought possible. That prank had gone too far."
At the very end: fucking narration. Tell not show. Also, if this was cinnemasins: roll credits.
I am sorry I did not cover a mid paragraph, but this is SOOO BADDDD. I will admit that I could not find any subtext from reading the first and last paragraph, but to be fair, there is no mediums of character interaction to describe personal traits. Hell, this story is too short to even allow sub narratives of characters personality traits. In which case, this short story should describe visceral horror, suspense, and action, if it is zombie based action horror, or metaphorical, psychological horror in the opening and ending. These are where the themes should be present. They are lacking.
Look, the whole point of horror is to feel insignificant to powers that be. To feel helpless. To feel alone. Afraid. This piece doesn't even use proper syntax structure to convey alter behavior, like disjointed sentences; or elongated monologues. There are no real scenes. Nothing.
Look you're probably a nice guy. I am sure you love white knighting. But if you want to help someone volunteer at a charity. Most bronies are middle to upper class white teenagers, with parents rich enough to send them to college. Stop trying to suck some authors dick for being a mediocre chuckle fuck. Not everyone is a special snowflake. Now go back to eating paste or something...
I swear I've either read this exact story a year ago or one with the same title and picture but with RD actually killing herself in the end. Either way...
7726446 Where's the next chapter? Been forever
7726446 Could I say something?
7836544 if it's personal you can always PM me, otherewise go ahead.
7838836 Though I fear I may not see it for awhile. I do not have interenet and it is difficult even checking messages
Sequel chapter here. It's more of a short story continuing a short story but yeah, here it is.
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7838836 If it makes you feel better, I happen to have a few punishment ideas for those who participated in this whole ZOMBIE fiasco. Want to hear them?
7839103
Killing everyone and loose trust in everyone are two different things. While the former is something you can recover from. Thinking you kill everyone is a whole new level. Add to it someone like Rainbow Dash, who values loyalty above everything else and you have a recipe to despair. Just imagine,
1st chapter, when Rainbow is trying to commit suicide with those cupcakes. If there would be knife instead of cupcakes...
I get what you were trying to say. Both of them were arful, but I just think "that prank" was worse than Mare-Do-Well.
7838919
Great chapter/sequel, everything is just like I like. I like what you did on the end. "I can't forgive you, but I can try." Loving it.
This is a very good 2-shot.
7838919 Wow, I didn't realize so many people asked for a sequel/additional chapter.
In any case, this was definitely a great addition to this story. I had a feeling that Trixie would have had an inkling into how Rainbow Dash felt. I'm guessing Twilight or somepony clued Starlight in on all the pranks Rainbow did while she was on the road with Trixie? Otherwise, how did she find out about the Rainbow's prank on Fluttershy? Also,
Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, & Pinkie. Who was the fifth?
7839997
It's not that, they have intention overreact to some things like Mare-Do-Well and 28 pranks later, yes. When you would see the first 2 episodes, and those 2 episodes, you would say something like you said. But you can judge, when you see what they done wrong. See it whole. like episode Sonic Rainboom. Twilight and others (beside Rarity) come to Cloudstale to just cheer for Rainbow (what ends up as fail because of Rarity).
But I don't understand why did they decide to do something like that. Twilight, mastermind of nearly everything, Princess of Friendship pulls something like that? Really? That is what pisses me off. When you are angry with someone, slap him and yell at him. That would hurt less than that prank. I don't know what were they trying to do to Rainbow Dash. If I would survive something like that, even after I would do some pranks like Rainbow did. I would probably never ever look at my friends same. If I would look at my friends at all...
Justifying to say things like "We were trying to teach you a lesson about pranks." is in this situation idiotic.
Let's say, you don't play with your dog, just your Mother or Father does that. even after 100th times they say: "Play with that dog, for Christ sake!" you don't. Then they decide to kill the dog just to show you, how to appraise that dog. It's overkill.
"Hey, I don't like her pranking, it went too far, let's do a prank where we all turn into zombies because of her cookies to show her what it's like." Really? Really?! Maybe I am little overreacting, but what the hell? When you don't like something, Say You Don't Like It! When that person is your friend and he or she doesn't stop, you need to think what are you to your friends, if he value some pranks over you. And I really doubt that Rainbow would value her friends over pranks.
7840249
What, you mean like this?
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/3/3e/Mane_Six_assembled_in_the_throne_room_S6E15.png/revision/latest?cb=20160814095831
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/c/cc/Pinkie_Pie_%22a_good_time_to_stop_pranking%22_S6E15.png/revision/latest?cb=20160814122211
7840496
Yes, I know what you mean, that one with Fluttershy is one of her bad ones. And they did try talking. Yes and she didn't take it right. Yes, did send Pinkie (Not a best choice, my opinion) to talk with Rainbow. I am not saying Rainbow is holy or something. But it's not like others were any good.
Twilight said on the beginning that pranks are pranks only when both, victim and prankster are laughing. Otherwise, something is wrong. And then they decide to pull that prank for main reason: Stop pranking.
It's like infinite loop. You hurt someone just to show how much hurt something he did. It's not the right way. Things like that destroy friendships.
But I hate the episode as well. I can't just see Rainbow so blind to others feelings. It's like she was hearing what she wanted. I mean, come on, it was obvious that they didn't like it. And to add to it. That zombie prank. Just arful...
One good thing on that episode is lesson. Prank is a prank as long both sites enjoy it.
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good points on both sides. Personally I think the episode is one of my all time favorites. Because you rarely see ponies being mean to one another and this had the potential to become a really good hurt/comfort story arc. Now if only the writers weren't afraid of emotion of saddness, as in real life tragic saddness, we could have an episode about AJ's parents that would instantly become my favorite, but oh well, I still have Adventure Time and Gravity Falls for that.
You know, when I really think about it, this episode is even WORSE than Mare-Do-Well.
The only thing it it did better is that it showed Dash's friends trying to talk to her. But even then, they still resorted to going behind her back. Everyone is welcome to their opinion, but I firmly believe that if you have to resort to tricking someone into learning a lesson, you do NOT have the moral high ground.
And at least with Mare-Do-Well, the worst Rainbow got was that her PRIDE was hurt. Here, Rainbow's friends, hell the whole TOWN (who honestly seemed to be getting WAY to much enjoyment out of the prank for them to simply be "teaching her a lesson") were willing to let Dash think she had MURDERED EVERYPONY!!!!
7845792 Can I say something?
7848683 ......Yes?
If you want to put in your two cents, go ahead. You don't have to ask permission.
7849051 If it will make you feel better, I happen to know a few punishment ideas on how to punish the ZOMBIE ponies of ponyville. Want to hear them?
7849786 ......I'm listening.....
....So long as you don't actually kill them.
7849861 Worry not, these won't include death.
I'll separate my punishments between the "BIG PONIES" & "THE FOALS". And to top it off, the entire town receives a TWO year ban from Nightmare Night.
BIG PONIES:
Twilight: Three months Grounded. Striped of her title and powers, sentenced to 1000 hours community service.
Applejack: Two months Grounded, Striped of apple-bucking privileges, 1000 hours community service.
Big Mac: Two months Grounded, Striped of apple-bucking privileges, 1000 hours community service.
Granny Smith: Two months Grounded, Striped of apple selling privileges, 1000 hours community service.
Pinkie Pie: Three months grounded, Striped of holding any parties of anything or for anyone, and 1000 hours community service.
Rarity: Two months grounded, Striped of her powers, no fashion designing, 1000 hours community service, and 10 weekends of rain gutter detail.
Fluttershy: Two months grounded, striped of animal care taking privileges, and 1000 hours community service.
Derpy: Two months grounded. 1000 hours community service.
Mayor Mare: Relieved of her position, 1000 hours community service.
Mr & Mrs. Cake: Two months grounded, no sweet's baking or sales, 1000 hours community service.
Mr & Mrs. Donkey: Two Months grounded, 1000 hours community service.
Ms. Cheerlee: Two months grounded, striped of her teacher duties, and 1000 hours community service.
FOALS:
Applebloom: Two months Grounded, Striped of cuite mark, striped apple-bucking privileges, no crusading with friends, and Two year ban from Nightmare Night
Sweetie Belle: Two months Grounded, Striped of cuite mark, striped of singing privileges, no crusading with friends, and Two year ban from Nightmare Night.
Scootaloo: Two months Grounded, Striped of cuite mark, striped of stunts performing privileges, no crusading with friends, Two year ban from Nightmare Night, and no Wonder-bolts privileges.
Spike: Two month Grounded, Confiscation of comics and secret gem stash. Extra chores duty and two weekends of library cleaning detail. Two year ban from Nightmare Night.
Cake Twins: One month grounded, no sweets privileges, Two year ban from Nightmare Night.
7845792
I think you might be confusing the premise of the actual episode with the premise of the fanfic? In the episode RD merely thinks she made her friends sick. She's perfectly aware they are alive. CrimsonDM is presenting an alternative ending where RD thinks she actually killed them. The evil bastard.
I'm curious, though, what do you think they should have done after talking failed?
7851999 Apparently she's very observant when flying. Make her fly circles while dodging clouds and explain it to her at the same time. Have Fluttershy cry too. That might have worked. I mean that's how she studied history after all
7853369
Fluttershy crying is worse than an actual zombie apocalypse.
7851999 She thought they were "alive," but as zombies, and essentially tried to join them in the same state.
That's messed up. She went too far, but so did they.
As to what they should have done? Maybe first, send someone other than Pinkie, and make a more concerted, intense effort? Not just a one-off "Maybe don't?" like she did in the show.
I'm not saying Rainbow wasn't pushing the limits, or that something didn't need to be done, but they went and basically threw all logic and reason out the window, and went straight for the most extreme option available.
Their stock response to Rainbow doing something they don't like seems to be humiliation. I don't know about how you lot see it, but that would make me think long and hard about who I called my friends.
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Ah, sorry. We were talking about the episode, not the fic. I can see how that might have been confusing. In the episode RD did not eat the cookies.
They didn't go straight for the nuclear option. They tried on two separate on-screen occasions to talk sense into RD. Once as an intervention with all of them, and once by having the member of the group that RD could most consider a peer at the time to talk to her in private. You can't really keep devoting screen time to that approach when the point really is just to show that RD won't listen and does not understand the problem with her actions.
In Mare-Do-Well, I'd agree with you. That was completely awful exactly because they went straight for the nuclear option, merely because RD was enjoying the attention she was getting. This one, though, I feel like they did everything right regarding the setup. RD was actually causing problems and it was believable that RD would not really see the problem with her actions, and the mane6 made as many honest attempts to talk with RD as could reasonably expected in a half hour episode before they got to actual (undead) meat of the episode.
While in Mare-Do-Well you could argue that the response to RD acting out was to humiliate her, in 28_pranks_later it was a case of turnabout is fair play. To suggest that trying to humilate her is the stock response, though, would be forgetting episodes like Rainbow_Falls, where Twilight merely talks to RD and allows her to make her own decision. And, Tanks_for_the_memories where RD was incredibly disruptive, after having hibernation explained to her, and the mane6 did not attempt to humiliate her while she was going through denial but let her get it out of her system and then showed up to console her. Not counting all the times they just show outright support for her since we're focusing on times were RD acted out and the mane6 response to that.
7855456 My mistake, that.
As to MDW, yes, that was just a terrible episode.
As to 28PL? Maybe a counter-prank was the best choice, but they still went too far in my view, literally causing her to believe she had killed everybody she cared about in life. Frankly, some things you just don't do, and this honestly was too much. I just feel it deserves some measure of punishment.
Pranks to open her eyes would have been fine. This specific prank was not.
7855456 And this right here is the reason I hate how many writers this show has. Seriously people get mad at me for writing ooc, but ooc according to which one of the many writers? Is Pinkie a super caring, though accident prone pony or is she a psychopath who can do something like this to her best friends?
Still I love the episodes where they are mean to each other. It's like watching a train wreck at slow speeds. XD