Princess Celestia gets a speeding ticket
The gently curving, perfectly empty Highway 10 of Equestria's beautiful coast lay ahead of Princess Celestia as she cruised at a steady 70 MPH, the 6.6 Liter V8 under her pearl-white Pontiac Firebird's hood purring along at 2000 RPM, or as Luna had so mistakenly stated upon first seeing the acronym; 'rip'ems'. Celestia's evening sun peeked over the perfectly flat ocean to her left, the short white road marking posts lining each side of the Highway casting incredibly long, thin shadows across the pavement and sandy berms that flowed like an ocean of their own. The high-speed wind whipping in through the car's open windows threw her mane sporadically and gently ruffled the bright orange and red feathers of her pet Phoenix Philomena, who sat shotgun, peering out her own open window at the scrolling inland landscapes. Celestia's ears tuned in on the car's radio as the current song that had been playing came to an end, her horn; which had a special slot cut in the roof for it to comfortably fit through, glowing yellow as the volume nob of the radio turned, the female DJ's voice becoming intelligible over the rip of the wind.
"...up next, I've got an oldie but a goodie for everypony out there!"
An incredibly distinctive set of electric piano notes brought an instant grin to Celestia's expression, the strumming electric guitar causing her hooves to press harder to the steering wheel, her horn's aura once more taking the volume nob and turning the volume up until it was almost painful.
With her bright grin, Celestia shared a look with Philomena, "Do you feel it?"
The Phoenix gave a cheerful screech, her wings fluttering.
Looking back to the road, her grin only widened as a rectangular sign went past. 'SPEED LIMIT ENFORCED BY PEGASUS', it read.
"We'll see about that!"
Philomena gave another excited screech as Celestia's hoof went heavy on the accelerator, the tachometer instantly moving to 3500 RPM as the car's once purring engine roared, the front end slightly coming up as the speed-demon duo were pushed into their seats from the G-force. The current score playing loudly over the radio added to the excitement as Celestia's eyes constantly darted from the road to the Speedometer, the little red needle quickly moving its way past 90 MPH and on to 100, the V8's roar gaining pitch as the constant acceleration didn't stop. 105. 107. 110. 115. Celestia pulled her hoof from the accelerator as the needle rested right at 120 MPH, the wind coming in through the window being like a tornado, the blaring song over the radio being barely intelligible over the insanely fast air.
"Should we push 125?! I haven't ever gotten her up that fast!!" Celestia called to Philomena.
A squawk of agreeance was all Celestia needed to press her hoof back down on the pedal. The previously steady roar of the nearly maxed-out engine gained pitch, the car bucking back; Celestia watching the needle easily move right to 125 MPH... and then 130... 133. A giddy giggle left the Princess as her she watched the needle pass easily into 135; the car's engine straining to push further.
"Highway to the Dang...!"
Her joyous singing was cut short as her eyes caught a red and blue flashing in her rearview mirror.
"Oh, give me a break!! This was just getting fun!" She exclaimed, completely letting off the accelerator and smacking the turn signal up with a hoof.
Her aura turned the radio down to a less-blaring volume, her hoof coming down to the shifter as she dropped the transmission from 5th to neutral, her eyes tracking the speedometer as it gradually came down from its incredibly high mark. Philomena gave a little chirp, Celestia looking to the Phoenix.
"What if I tell them that you're giving birth and that I'm going to a hospital? You think we'd get out of this ticket by doing that?"
Philomena tapped herself with a wing, Celestia sighing at the action.
"You're right... you don't look pregnant at all. That, and you're an avian... and you lay eggs."
Philomena gave a little nod.
Seeing that her speed had dropped to 50 MPH, Celestia's back hoof moved from the accelerator to the brake, a little pressure being applied to aid the vehicle's deceleration. Looking back to her rear mirror, Celestia could just barely make out the silhouette of the trailing Pegasus Officer, the lightbar hung around their neck still flashing intensely. As the car finally came to a stop, Celestia sighed once more as she watched the Pegasus touch down a distance behind the car, beginning his pace towards her window. The clop of their hooves on the asphalt grew in volume as they approached, Celestia's horn coming to life momentarily as she popped the car's glovebox open, a set of papers being dug from under a sunglasses case and several stacks of tissue paper.
"I know you enjoy these evening drives, Sister; but this has gotten out of hoof."
Celestia's heart skipped a beat as her head snapped to the left, her eyes meeting with a slightly distorted reflection of herself in Luna's chromed Aviator sunglasses, her flat expression being highlighted by the still blazing lightbar hung from her neck.
"Luna!?! W-What... since when were you a cop!?"
"A cop; nay. A volunteer Speed Enforcement Officer? Aye." Returned Luna.
"Why do you have a mustache..." Celestia inquired, squinting her eyes as she focused on the false facial hair; her words causing Luna's figure to stiffen.
A quick hoof smacked the stick-on mustache from her blue upper lip, her stoic manner returning, "No reason, dear Sister... now I should like to hear your excuse as to why you saw fit to travel a full 55 miles per hour over the speed limit."
Celestia gave a nervous chuckle, her mind scrambling to think of something. After a moment's more stuttering, she simply turned the radio's volume up, a hoof pointing to the dash as the words 'Highway to the danger zone!' shouted through a chorus of electric guitar and drums.
Luna's brow raised from behind her shiny Aviators, "You committed a speeding felony because of a song?"
"Look, Luna... the road out here is completely clear! I'm an experienced driver, so nopony was in harm's way!"
Luna's head craned upwards as she looked to the Phoenix sitting in the passenger seat, Philomena digging in one of her furled wings with her beak.
"You have a passenger with you... and said passenger is not properly secured to their seat."
"Oh... eh, well; you know, Philomena is a Phoenix! She's tough... and malleable!" Exclaimed Celestia nervously as she pressed down on Philomena with a hoof, the Phoenix giving a little squeak of surprise, "Besides; she can simply reincarnate herself through ash!"
Philomena screeched in rebuttal, Celestia rolling her eyes, "Yeah, I know dying hurts; get over it."
"Ma'am, I need your license and registration." Luna injected, her words causing Celestia to glare at her.
"Did you just call me ma'am?"
Luna stepped back as Celestia leaned her head close, fire seeming to burn in her eyes, "I... I mean sister! Sister, I need your license and registration."
Celestia grumbled under her breath as she complied, her magic bringing forth the papers gathered from the glovebox and her license card, the items being transferred to her sister's aura as Luna took a clipboard and ball-point pen from her saddlebag.
"This isn't the first time you have been in trouble for such a violation; correct?" Luna inquired as she scribbled at her clipboard.
"No... this isn't the first time," Sighed Celestia, "But this is the first time it's been over 50! So... that's something! I mean... come on, Lulu; cut your old sister some slack! I just wanted to have a little fun out on the open road with Philomena!"
"If your idea of fun is the high chance of a fiery death, then I believe it fit for you to seek psychiatric help," Luna stated bluntly, looking over her Aviators.
"'High chance' is a little bit of a stretch! I've been driving since these things were invented, Luna; you know that. I can handle the road just fine, especially out here where it's so flat."
Humming at her sister's futile attempts of gaining sympathy, Luna ripped a copy of the slip of paper she had been writing on from her clipboard, floating the slip to Celestia's view.
"1,500 bits!?! Luna, you can't be serious!"
"Not only were you doing 135 in a 70 zone!" Exclaimed Luna, "You have a passenger that is not wearing their proper restraints! Thus far, such a fine should be considered pity; especially since you have a brake light out."
Celestia's shocked stammering paused as she looked to Luna, "Wait... really? What side?"
"Left."
"Oh... well; I'd have enough of my monthly allowance left to fix that problem if somepony hadn't given me such a big ticket!"
"You are given 5,000 bits at the start of every month by the Treasury... and it's August 10th. What in Equestria's name have you already spent such a large sum of bits on?"
Celestia leaned from her window, tapping her hoof towards the front wheels of her car, "I got brand new tires! Aren't they nice?"
Luna looked at her sister over her chromed Aviators once more, "Indeed; they are swell."
The two Princess's eyes remained locked for a moment before Celestia sighed, pulling herself back inside, "Come on, Luna; 1,500 bits is really hefty for your sister, don't you think? If you bring it down to 1,200 I'll consider letting you drive her..." Coaxed Celestia as she rubbed her hoof along the dash.
"Law is Blind, sister."
"Ugh, fine. I didn't want you driving her, anyway."
"Sister, please drive safely... and have a good rest of the night," Luna commented as she placed Celestia's papers to her lap, the clipboard and pen in her magic being put back into her saddlebag as she prepared to depart.
A little grin took Celestia's expression as she put her hoof on the shifter, her other rear hoof coming from the floor to the accelerator as her aura turned the radio up to full-blast, rock music cutting the air.
"Oh, don't you dare!!" Boomed Luna.
The shifter was thrown to first gear, Celestia's rear hooves kicking as one came off the brake and the other came down hard on the accelerator; the Firebird's back tires squealing as the car bolted from the side of the road, Luna instantly taking flight to pursue her sister.
"Celestia, slow down!!" Luna shouted in the Royal Canterlot voice as her wings struggled to keep pace with the quickly accelerating muscle car.
"Make me!"
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This is one of those stories that just exist because they can.
Still, it was great.
7630502 Drive down the freeway for a while listening to the Top Gun theme; you'll get LOTS of great story ideas.
Now this is just silly. Have an upvote.
7630533
Yup, definitely up there with lines of literature that I'd never thought I'd read. It's probably next to:
Now I want to watch The Fast and The Furious movies and Smokey and the Bandit
I fully agree. Get on it knighty!
I was expecting Luna to arrest Celestia near the end, that would have been funny. Still good story though
7630740 I thought to end the story with Celestia casually driving away, but I thought 'speed demon' would extenuate the stupid.
7630842 yes. just yes
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/8/21/1230219__safe_solo_monochrome_princess+celestia_parody_car_natg_the+simpsons_artist-colon-dstears_volkswagen+beetle.png
I love this so much. And in a Pontiac Firebird too, how appropriate for both Celestia and Philomena.
If a bathroom were nothing but a fairy tale and this fic was the toilet paper, does this mean that shit just got real?
7632701 try gyazo. Maybe it'll work
7632872 it works for me no problem then again i am running this through sevral proxies and other things so basicly EVERY THING works. it be awsome!
Comedy+Random generally equals dumb on Fimfic.
Fun fact: Our king has also been stopped for speeding a couple of times.
He didn't get fined, of course, because he's the king and thus legally immune to prosecution for any crime whatsoever.
7632957 Forgive my American ignorance; but where are you from that has a king?
7632957 Where do you live?
7632949 True dat. That... and if you read the title 'Princess Celestia gets a speeding ticket' and don't like it because it's stupid, then you are stupid.
7633055 Jury's out on me being insane though.
7633061 I wasn't calling you stupid if that's what you're implying
7633062 I wasn't.
7633052
7633053
Sweden. Funny thing is, unlike Celestia, our monarch doesn't even have any actual authority. It's a completely ceremonial position, and he's not even allowed to express political views.
But he could still commit any crime he wants - both as the head of state and as a private person - and get away scot-free. It's one of those vestigial formalities we never bothered to get rid of when we switched to democracy way back.
Of course, if he did something really bad, like murdering someone, I'm guessing it would cause quite a bit of an uproar, the law would be amended pretty quickly, and people might actually start taking the republican advocates seriously.
7633248 Well, since you're from Sweden, let me be an Aircraft nerd for a moment and say I love your domestically produced fighter aircraft. Works of fucking art.
Also, I had no idea Sweden still had a king; a ceremonial one at that.
the more you know
7633250
Thanks. Fighter jets are cool. I don't actually know anything about them, though, so I'll take your word for it.
Sure, dude hands out Nobel Prizes every year.
There are a bunch of countries over here in Europe that have kept their monarchies - thirteen in total counting the Vatican. The British one is probably the most well-known.
(Ours is one of the oldest, though. I think only Denmark has us beat, supposedly. It's hard to tell since the earliest kings are quasi-mythical by now.)
7633248 I'm a monarchist and even I don't think a monarch should be above the law. If your king wasn't only ceremonial, but had actual duties he might start taking his position more seriously.
Very cute. It got enough giggles out of me, and the imagery was good.
Though when Celestia was talking about how long she's been driving, I would have thought you'd bring up something like "I've been driving since these things were invented." or "I've been driving long enough my license number is 8."
As for Celestia's last taunt to Luna... she is taunting a being with the power of telekinetic levitation...
7633334 >tfw you know more about a nation's military than someone living in the country.
I'm a fucking nerd.
Also; let me enlighten you.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/50/83/66/508366bd82e245c4a7a074e5d9ee31a4.jpg
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/1c/a3/a3/1ca3a38e84529bf59c7094cbe9c22310.jpg
media.moddb.com/images/groups/1/3/2044/0969712.jpg
These are three of Sweden's domestically produced fighters. From top to bottom the JAS-39 Gripen, J-35 Draken, and AJ-39 Viggen.
All built by Saab
7633350 That would be a nice touch... a nice touch I'm going to implement.
Thanks for the comment and the idea! Glad my stupid story got some laughs.
7633337
Like I said, I strongly suspect the only reason he's still above the law is because so far, it has never caused any real problems, so it's not worth the hassle to do anything about it.
It's not like he's a bad king. If anything, getting caught speeding once or twice only seemed to make the guy more relatable. The royal family is very popular among the citizens, but they're not what I would call especially interesting people.
7633394
Oh, I know about the planes themselves, of course. I don't think anyone my age doesn't know about the JAS-39, at least, since it made some headlines back in the day.
I meant, I don't know enough about fighter aircraft in general to tell which one is more awesome than the other.
7633626 That's something I overlooked; I bet the media enjoys boasting about the JAS-39, especially since it's had some pretty good export success.
Love the story!
Celestia needs to buy a "T" top, to avoid the need of modifying the roof to fit her horn.
Brilliant. Just fucking brilliant.
7633334
I stopped by and saw this conversation. I think I've gotten to go to Sweden once, it was when I was visiting and going around Europe, but when you mentioned the Nobel Prize I realized that I got invited to go to Nobel week so I may get to go back there and visit or go there for the first time. I can't seem to recall if I went there or not, I usually remember what I did, not where I was. But I do know from eating German chocolate that you guys probably have good chocolate too, would you say that?
7633394
Also saw this. Might I add this amazing aircraft?
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cf/A-10_Thunderbolt_II_In-flight-2.jpg
This was incredibly stupid.
My favorite
Dragonforce + a fast car is a dangerous combination.
The speedometer on my dad's Camaro only went to 85, but I once managed to get the needle all the way around the bottom and back up to 15.
Literally just up voted the story for that alone. Might read later.
arcade911.com/games/files/SpeedEnforcement1.jpg
7633643
Ah, not quite. We Swedes are not really a boasting people - in fact we are culturally inclined to be kinda reserved, even a bit self-deprecating. Being overtly patriotic is, ironically, a fairly un-Swedish thing and actually considered sorta questionable.
Gripen mostly got a lot of attention as the plane that crashed twice in very dramatic fashion. (And with the same pilot both times, though the reason was determined to be navigation software errors, so the guy was just that unlucky.)
The second crash was insane, because it happened in the middle of a display during the Stockholm Water Festival. It was a damn miracle that nobody died, because it managed to hit, like, the one place in the area that didn't have a huge crowd of people in it.
Needless to say, the media coverage was very negative and some critics demanded the entire project be cancelled. We're actually a rather pacifistic people and a majority of the population do not think we should be selling weapons of war to begin with, even though we are surprisingly good at it in terms of GDP per capita.
Additionally, Gripen later made more headlines due to allegations of bribery when we managed to sell a bunch of them to South Africa.
So yeah. We're not really the "look at how awesome we are!" type of country. We're kinda the anti-America in that regard.
7635029 Well, that's aboslutely 10/10. I did know about the crashes; building a plane with fly-by-wire leads to lots of terrible crashes (see F-16 for proof on that, why do you think we call that plane the lawn dart?)
7634326
I don't think we are really known for great chocolate - I mean, our chocolate is okay, but you'll probably have better luck going to Denmark for that. Switzerland and Belgium are supposedly the best chocolate producers in Europe.
I do know we have some really good coffee, though. We're obsessed with the stuff.
Also, chocolate aside, I understand we are pretty good at candy in general, especially in the form of loose bulk confectionery. My brother claimed it was something he really, really missed while he was living in the Netherlands.
7635046
Yeah, from what I gather, the development of the JAS-39 was actually less accident prone than a lot of other fighter jets around the world. We're just kinda neurotic about our own achievements, I suppose.
7635056
Hm, good to know.
7635343 Only if I get to keep one of the SVDs
'Nuff said.
7636210 *COUGHS LOUDLY*
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7633248
Spanish here. You have probably heard about the scandals regarding our royal family. Because it´s not enough for them to be one of our costliest and most useless institutions... nah, they still have to fuck it up.