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Crimson, a street dancer down on his luck, is working as a night watch for an old tomato cannery in East Los Pegasus. So far, the past month has been uneventful; but tonight, something is wrong with the cameras and something keeps darting across the screen....
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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For something short, that was pretty dark... I don't normally like horror stuff, but good work.
Overall I enjoyed it, but one minor thing due to the abundance of HIE fics I read when you described you creature as tall and hairless my mind instantly went to HUMAN! and at least for me it brings down the terror factor when I picture just some random dude. But like I said good story for if you want a quick chill down your spine. Have a like.
As toaster3 said you need at least a little more description in your creature. There were a few grammar, and spelling mistakes here and there. While I liked the ending it also kind of confused me. It was a very sharp left turn if you know what I mean. Not the call part but the past calling the present bit. It has pretty good suspense in it though which is quite difficult to write for most writers. Hope that helps a little
It was a really good suspense read! Didn't expected that ending. Like the others said, the end was kinda rushed but nonetheless, it was a good read and goes to my favourites.
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Thank you so much for your comments and for pointing out things that could be fixed. I've addressed the issues I could, and also made the ending make a bit more sense. Have a second look and tell me what you think
The really good stuff is tough to write but the benefits are worth it.
Nothing of value is done easily.
Keep on writing and it does get easier.
Kudos.
this was a pretty good story. a fair amount of suspense for something most would call short. not bad.
Quick que the Michael Meyers Halloween theme before Crimson is eaten
Wow that was scary. Nice story!
I must know.
What does this mean? What is confusing about Crimson working at a Tomato Cannery? Does the officer know something that Crimson doesn't?
Firstly, I enjoyed your story, though I'm not much one for critiquing. Basically I like what I like, regardless of grammar and spelling. What I liked most in your work was the interaction between the characters.
The one problem I observed in the narrative is the following:
"Crimson looked up into the camera. - this line.
Crimson looked up
I believe you meant:
Checkers looked up into the camera.
Crimson is at the time in the office watching the camera monitor. Checkers is in fact walking the cannery floor looking up into the security cameras as he's passing them.
I think you may have simply switched character names.
Otherwise I enjoyed your work: Short and simple best of all complete with a twist added in for fun. You should write some more if you get a chance.
This is good. I like it.
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Yes.
The officer knows there isn't as tomato cannery in that district.
Creepyyyyyyy~
Nightguards always seem to get the short end of the stick. In almost every Horror movie or book Ive read in the past week that features one. They end up getting killed.
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That was my first thought as well
Very dark and spooky.
Y'know, it's always the matter of mystery that instills the greatest fear. A lack of understanding or comprehension of what has happened, or what that thing is or is capable of.
This is why you listen to your instincts. If you are alone somewhere and you feel a presence or see movement for a brief moment...Do. Not. Disregard. It. Be wary of your surroundings and move to a safe spot.
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There’s a veeeeeeery narrow line between showing too much and showing too little. There I’d also prefer a little bit more detail, as to either why the creature could have started haunt the cannery or how it looks or what it wants.
Still, not bad for a short reading.
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