One Shot
You scramble into a nearby alley to get out of the pouring rain. The night is dark and you find yourself alone in an eerie silence. Most shops were closed long ago and the lights of the surrounding houses are turning out for a night of well deserved rest. Yet, here you are, stuck in the cold rain in a dark alleyway.
Trying to make a shameful buck.
Leaning up against the brick wall, you try to make use of what little dry shelter you have in your resting place. You suppose it could be called your home. At least for tonight. You don't have a house or apartment, because you can't get a job. You can't get a job because none of the ponies respect you.
It's hard to forget how it all began. It started with the welcoming party Pinkie Pie threw for you. Twilight was more than happy to take you in when you arrived in the town of Ponyville by some mysterious circumstance. When you went to the welcoming party, you and Twilight had a bit too much to drink. One thing lead to another... and the next thing you remember, Twilight is nuzzled up in your arms, your naked body holding her closely.
That's when the rumors spread.
"Anon's paying the rent by rutting Twilight!"
"I wonder how good he is?"
"Will he accept other favors for sex?"
It was a one-night tryst. Despite the feelings for her that boiled underneath your skin, it didn't mean anything in the long run. The both of you admitted what happened was a mistake and wrote it off. However, she did say she still remembered everything from that night...
That's not the point though.
Despite your best attempts to persuade the public, they wouldn't listen. That didn't stop the horny, lonely mares from swarming on you. All you wanted was a normal job. That way you could pay Twilight some sort of rent. She was selfless enough to take you in when you needed it most. But, everywhere you applied they would only give you the job if you performed sexual favors for them. You turned down each and every job in the meantime. Twilight was so encouraging and helpful. She made you feel like you could really accomplish anything if you set your mind to it.
The least you can do to repay her was to pay rent.
The bookish unicorn helped you keep working harder and harder for a job, pulling countless all-nighters and applying for every job you could imagine. But the sexual requests never relented. The tired and lonely citizens of Ponyville that stayed in the shadows didn't understand no. Or simply wouldn't listen. In some ways, the ponies were much like the humans you lived with on earth.
Finally, one day you broke.
You couldn't stand not paying her back anymore. You felt like a burden. You had no freedom. You felt as if you were Twilight's little human pet with a bow on top. You had no life outside of being "Twilight's Human." Even when airing these feelings to her, and she told you that you were over thinking it, her words didn't set you at ease.
It was supposed to be a one time thing for Fluttershy. Help boost her confidence. Just one night. But gasoline was thrown on the fire.
"It's just a little money?"
"Tell me again how big it was!"
"Five times! My word!"
It wasn't long until Twilight caught wind and confronted you. She ordered you to stop selling your body, that the money didn't matter to her. Twilight just wanted her Anon. That she loved you and only wanted you. On that day, you quit the business of prostitution.
But, you can't just quit. Some mares just don't understand no.
In the middle of the night, on your way home from running errands for Twilight, some mare struck you down in an alley and had her way with you. Your head hurt so much and you were so disoriented that you couldn't even fight back. Twilight, concerned why you weren't back yet, saw it happen. The mare tossed money at your feet and left without another word. Nothing you could say would convince Twilight that you were raped. Let alone the rest of the town.
"I bet he liked it."
"Look at his hands. He's made for lovin. It's all he's good for."
"How much this time, sexy?"
Twilight grew further and further distant and nothing you could do would bring her back. She kicked you out one day, convinced that you never gave up the sex trade at all.
So here you are. Stuck in the streets in the middle of the night.
No chance for a job. No food. No home.
And you lost the only love of your life in this forsaken world of horses. In the end, the only way you can make money was through fucking. It's been nearly a month now, getting donations and tips from other ponies to keep up your appearance, just so they can fuck your brains out.
You've never felt more soulless in your entire life.
Every day was another pony's bed. Every day it was different gentle caressing words. Some want it rough. Some gentle. You can try to use the bathroom to quickly brush your hair, brush your teeth, take a shower, but you could never take clothes to replace the ratty, stained t-shirt and pants. If you were lucky, a mare wouldn't mind if you stayed the night... or they would pay you to cuddle them.
But not tonight. Berry wanted you out right after she had her way with you.
You slide down the side of one of the alley walls with your face in your hands, trying to find the best way to stay warm. It isn't worth making tears anymore. The tears won't fix anything. A new town won't fix anything. You have enough money to eat. That's it. You're alone.
"Anon?" a stern voice calls from the darkness.
Or at least you thought you were alone. You look up to the street and see a pony carrying a pink umbrella, shrouded in the dark.
"Yeah?" you ask to the mysterious figure.
"What are you doing out here?" says the familiar voice, approaching you slowly.
"I.. uh. Found a place to sleep tonight."
The pony in front of you lights her horn and reveals her light purple skin and dark purple eyes. The unicorn stares down at you in a way that makes you feel like a disappointment. The soft spot in the middle of your chest is overwhelmed in guilt and shame.
"Why? Can't you find a job?" she asks.
You break eye contact and stare at the ground.
"I've been trying..." you answer, trying to keep your composure. "Nobody wants to hire someone like me."
"I see," says Twilight, standing at the entrance to the alleyway.
You look down at her pristine hooves and back to your filthy hands. There's no way you deserved someone like her. Look at you. You filthy rat. A dog in the street. This is what you deserve.
Twilight stands in the darkness, looking down at your wet, sorry corpse.
"I should have swallowed my pride for long enough to listen to you," you say.
The rain drips down and continues soak your feet through the broken soles of your shoes.
"If you felt the same way about me, that I feel about you. Then I can only imagine how much I hurt you, and I'm the only one to blame. I messed up so bad. I messed us up," you say, expecting nothing.
You refuse to look up at the unicorn and continue to stare at the wet ground. An uncomfortable silence is filled with the sound of the pitter-patter of rain on her umbrella.
"I just wish I could start over," you say.
You breathe hard to try and stay strong in front of Twilight. The aching feeling in your chest is overwhelming your thoughts. Twilight turns around slowly and your sink your head into your hands.
Of course. What did you expect? You're a disgusting outcast. The lowest of the low. She's on her way to become a Princess one day and doesn't need to associate herself with the likes of you. You'll never be good enough. You need to lower your standards or else you'll end up alone. On the other hand, maybe that's not a bad thing.
Then, she shocks you.
"Come on," she says in a patient tone.
She walks away and you look up in shock. After a few feet, she looks back at you.
"Are you coming?"
She doesn't have to tell you twice. You leap to your feet and follow after her.
The rain pours down over your head as you follow Twilight back to the warmly lit Library. The freezing air doesn't seem to be as cold as you remember. Right now, everything to seems to be just a little bit brighter. You aren't exactly sure what this means quite yet, but you have an idea. You can only dream.
She opens the door with her magic and steps inside, leaving the door open. You follow her inside and close the door quietly.
"Get those wet clothes off or you'll get sick," she says unenthusiastically, drying off her umbrella with her magic.
The emotionless tone in her voice stings, but you have to start somewhere. You shed your drenched, over-worn t-shirt, revealing a sickly, pale, malnourished stomach.
Twilight turns and examines the shambles that your body has fallen to. Taking off your shoes, you shove your shirt and socks into them then leave them by the door. It was a habit you developed in case you needed to make a quick escape. Wearing only a ragged pair of pants, you step inside the Library.
It's only once you enter your previous home that you realize how badly you missed more than just it's smart purple inhabitant.
"Spike. Go to bed," Twilight calls through her home.
"Awww!" says the dragon, entering from another room. "Can't I just-"
He freezes when he sets his eyes on you.
"Go to bed," Twilight demands.
"I thought we-"
"Bed. Now," she barks.
Spike leaves the room, casting glances over his shoulder at you. You meekly wave. There will hopefully be time to talk to him later. Hopefully. Right now, it's pretty clear Twilight has something on her mind. She always gets quiet when she's thinking through a plan. She begins pacing in front of you.
"What's wrong, Twi."
"I'm sorry, Anon. I have to give you a test."
"A test? For what?"
"None of the others wanted me to see you ever again. Even Spike. They told me to let you keep doing... what you do."
You gulp and say nothing. She's got you cornered. She pulls out a small coin purse from her bag and tosses it on the floor in front of you. You eye it.
"That's 100 bits. If you just want more money. Take it and go, but if you really mean the things you said, I'll be upstairs."
Twilight turns away and ascends the stairs of the library to her room, leaving you with the bag of bits. You walk over to the small purse and open it. All of the coins are there. This is almost a whole weeks pay. You juggle the coins in your hand and think about all of the things you can do with this money.
For about a second.
You set the bag on a table and ascend the stairs to the unicorn's room. The lights are out and she lays in bed, her face away from the door. What did she honestly expect for you to do? You love her. You always did. You just never had the courage to say anything.
If you lay beside her in her bed, will she be surprised? Will she be jubilant?
You take a step closer to her bed.
What sort of head games did her friends play on her? If you did come back, what would they say? Would they just push her to kick you out again? Was it them that made her kick you out the first time?
You take another few steps closer.
Fuck her friends. What matters is that the two of you might have the chance to give things another shot. Do things the right way. You can set your old life behind you and try to restart.
This is exactly what you wanted. This is everything that you wanted. This is what SHE wanted.
You approach the bed and hear the soft breathing of the mare.
Just before you climb in beside her, right before you wrap her in your arms and keep her warm on this cold, rainy night... you stop. One thought stops you in your tracks. A simple question.
Is this what's best for her?
You step backward.
Will this cause a massive rift in her friends? Is this going to hurt her relationship with the princess, if she finds out that her best student is dating a whore? Can you live with knowing that knowing even though this is what she wants, it's not what's best for her?
You make another step towards the door and turn around.
She's already been hurt so much by your hands. Even by things that you couldn't control. It's not fair to her. She can't throw her life away for you. Twilight has too many wonderful things in her life to risk losing them on you. You step out of her room, with tears in your eyes.
"I'm sorry," you whisper.
You descend the stairs and eye the bag. There's no way you can accept her money either. You sigh to yourself and turn to the door.
"Where are are you going, Anonymous?" a new, soft voice asks.
The unexpected sound makes you leap inside your skin You spin around to find a navy blue alicorn stands in front of you, with a disappointed frown.
"Princess Luna?"
You stand in silence, trying to decipher why she had arrived.
"Why are you in Twilight's house? She's upstairs."
Another silent moment passes between you two as you begin to grow irritated at her silence.
"Is that some sort of sick joke? I sell myself so I get a visit from the Princess of the Night? That's a sick joke if I've heard of one."
"Our presence is surely not meant to humor you, Anonymous. We are here to discuss the decision you are about to make."
"Well. Thanks. I guess, but I think you're just rubbing it in. I can't ruin her life. She deserves better than just some whore."
“Oh, I understand your position Anonymous. We have been watching you as you have sold your body to make wages. Neither I nor the other two princesses understand why you or some other ponies make this decision, but we do not interfere. Until tonight.”
You stand in front of the Princess with a flowing mane, eyeing her curiously.
"How? This is the best thing for her, Princess. Don't you agree?" you ask.
"No, Anonymous. We believe that you have the potential to change your life for the better and abandon the reputation you have made for yourself, but you do not believe it yourself."
You sigh in exasperation. There is no way you are getting off easy here.
"Well great. Why don't I just run back upstairs then, if you say I can do it."
"Because if you do not believe that you can change, then you will not."
"I've tried though... I've tried so hard before. Then I was raped and nobody believed me," you hiss with exasperation.
"We know. We have watched your dreams for a long time now," she answers calmly.
"I just don't know what to do."
"What is it that you think you should do, Anonymous?"
You sit in a nearby chair and place your head in your hands. You get the feeling that you won't be heading back to the alley anytime soon.
"I want to be with Twilight again... but," you answer, pausing.
"But?" Princess Luna mimics.
"With my reputation... how do I know it won't hurt her more than it will make her happy?"
"And that is a reason to give up?" she asks you.
You sigh to yourself.
"I'd hate to be the reason that she would be disowned by Princess Celestia or have her friends abandon her."
Luna hums to herself as she moves directly in front of you.
"We cannot speak for our sister's sake. Her opinions are hers and hers alone."
You sigh, knowing the answer lies in front of you.
"However, why do you think that my sister would dislike her star pupil or her friends could abandon their dear friend?"
"Isn't it obvious!" you answer angrily. "You know what I do! You know my reputation! No one on this planet will give me an ounce of respect."
"Then what is the best way to change the reputation that you have been granted?"
You try to find an answer, but none comes to you.
"I've tried quitting before... it's not easy. I have to make money somehow... and my reputation..."
"That's only part of the answer," Luna calmly answers.
"What do you mean?" you ask curiously.
The princess smiles. The sort of smile that one gets when a plan is coming together exactly as she planned.
"Close your eyes and try to sleep. I would like to show you something."
"What?"
"I'm going to show you something in your dreamspace. Events you may have not known about, but ones I've learned through other dreams."
At this point, what do you have to lose?
You close your eyes and lean your head against your shoulder. Sleep takes a hold of you quickly.
Attempting to open your eyes, you find yourself in a vast dark area.
"Hello?"
A familiar room of Twilight's Library slowly materializes into existence. In the room, you see the purple unicorn talking to you. Not you, but a copy of you in the room. Her voice is calm, calculated, and serious.
"We can't do this anymore, Anon."
"I remember this," you whisper under your breath.
"Can't do what?" the copy of you answers.
"I can't let you stay here anymore."
"What do you mean? Twilight... what are you saying?" the copy replies.
"I'm saying we are through, Anon. You have to take your things and leave."
"Twilight. I have nothing. I have barely any bits. No job," the copy of you attempts to explain. "How am I supposed to afford somewhere to live?"
You know what's coming next. Putting your fingers in your ears, you try to block out the words. Yet, they still come out crystal clear.
"You should have thought about that before you made love to half the mares in this town. I'm sorry. You have to go."
"But, Twilight! I told you was raped!" you say in perfect harmony with your copy. "Don't you believe me?"
"I wish I could believe you, Anon. I want to. I really do. But you have a problem that I can't fix. Please leave, I don't want a bad influence like you around Spike," Twilight says coldly, staring at the floor.
The copy does everything exactly like you remembered. He walks out of the Library, tears in his eyes and Twilight stands resolute in her position, never shifting her gaze. After the door slams, the door to her basement opens slowly and her five friends emerge from the depths.
Tears form in the eyes of the purple unicorn as her legs fail her and she collapses to the ground.
"It really was for the best, darling," coos Rarity, wrapping a hoof around her.
Fluttershy remains silent, also wrapping a hoof around her friend.
"Who knows what that darn monkey had there, Twi." adds Applejack. "You'll find someone else who is even better than Anon. It'll be fine in the end."
"But what if I don't Applejack? What if-"
"Twilight. We know you really didn't want to do that... but if you just give it time, I'm sure you will be a whole new mare," Rainbow Dash interrupts.
"But I could have done more to help him Rainbow... I believed Anon... even though you all didn't," Twilight replies.
"There is no way a monkey like that could get raped Twilight. Sex is what they are built for!" Rainbow interjects.
"You know? I think we could all use a nice party right now, to take our mind off of the sad things!" Pinkie says in a forlorn attempt to lighten the mood.
Twilight rises up to her hooves.
"Right now girls, I think I just want to be alone... Thank you... really."
The purple unicorn laboriously makes her way up to her room, closing the door behind her.
You follow her up the stairs and step through the door, watching the memory. Twilight approaches a small wooden chest and searches through it carefully.
"There you are."
She pulls out a small pony doll with brownish string hair and buttons for eyes.
"I've missed you so much, Smarty Pants."
The unicorn moves to her bed and crawls under the covers. She holds the little doll in her hooves as she curls herself into a ball, trying to hide her sniffles.
"If I did the right thing... Why am I crying?" Twilight mutters to herself.
You move to the bed and try to comfort her, but your efforts are in vain. Your hand simply passes through her solid form.
"She didn't want to let me go?" you mutter.
"That's correct," the voice of the Princess echoes through the dream.
"She had... confidence in me?"
"What else did you notice?" Luna's voice asks.
You watch the crying unicorn on her bed mourn the loss of her lover.
"Her friends put her up to it."
"What do you think of that?" Luna replies.
"Well. I-I dunno. It's not fair."
"Why?"
"They didn't take her opinion into account at all. They forced her to do what they thought was best for her, rather than what she wanted."
"How is that different from what you were going to do?"
You try to answer, but you feel your body being pulled hard from behind. Pulled from the library, you are pulled into the dark space and you are falling. The air flies by you, but you land softly outside Twilight's home.
"Luna?"
The only answer you receive is silence. You step into the treehouse and see your body still sitting at the table, fast asleep.
"I know what I want... and what she wants... It's not going to be easy, but I can change for her. We just have to trust each other and work together."
You touch your body with your ghostly form. Bright white light fills your vision.
"I know I can change."
Waking up, you ascend the stairs with purpose and enter Twilight's room, where she remains unmoved. The rain had cleared, letting the bright evening moon shine into her bedroom. Without a second thought, you make your way to Twilight's bed and crawl in beside her. Her eyes gently open and she turns to you, slowly.
"Am I dreaming?" she asks groggily.
You smile and wrap your arms around her.
"Nope. I'm right here, Twi."
She nuzzles herself into your chest and you feel her body shake.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I doubted you... Luna showed me what really happened that night... and-"
You place a finger on her lips, silencing her.
"She came to me and showed me everything. I understand, Twi."
Twilight remains quiet, tightening her grip on you.
"I'm sorry I ever gave you a reason to doubt me... but I'm going to do everything I can to put all of this behind me."
"Don't ever leave again... please..." she chokes out amidst tears.
You gently caress her mane and hold her tightly back.
"You're stuck with me, Twilight. I'm not going anywhere."
An involuntary chuckle escapes her mouth as she lays beside you, tears running into her bed sheets and creating a small puddle.
"I thought I lost you," she whispers.
"I thought I lost you, too," you whisper back.
The warm embrace of your arms slowly lulls her to sleep in your arms. Gently, you kiss her forehead and drift off to sleep yourself. As you hoped, you arrive in the black space one more time.
"We are happy for you, Anonymous., calls Luna's voice.
She begins to materialize from the dark space and approaches you with a smile.
"Thank you so much for showing me... Well, everything."
The Princess of the Night smiles and shakes her head.
"We did not show you anything, Anonymous. The answer lied within you the whole time."
A smile curls on your face and you wrap your arms around the princess in a light embrace.
"Thank you."
"Of course, Anonymous."
Breaking your hug, you notice the Princess turns and slowly returns to the dark.
"Wait! How can I change my reputation?! How do I become a better person? Twilight deserves it," you call after her.
"Learn from your mistakes. Work hard every day to change what others think of you. Don't let a day go by without improving yourself."
Soon, the princess is gone and when you wake up, the love of your life is resting peacefully in your arms, a smile gracing her beautiful face.
It's going to be hard. It'll take time. It'll take patience. But for her, it's worth it.
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Cool.
I don't know what you're complaining about. The story is just fine...
There weren't even any really nausea-inducing tense changes.
6963545
You know you love it.
6963562
Hush you. I am a big strong man with no feelings or love to give.
...hugs?
No Flutterrape? Normally I'd give this a 0/69 but this was a really good read! So I'll be nice and give you a 7.2/8~It's not bad-IGN
6963574
Oh, you know I'm all about that ...hugs?
6963584
6963545
Ah...friendship, friendship is happening in the comment section everyone.
That was some good stuff man. I give solid 9.5 out of 10.
6963632
N-no...
Yes.
Why is this in human on royalty humanxluna? it was good story but I kinda got fooled xD
It says that there is a human......why isn't there a Human tag?
6963773
Fixed!!!
6963770
Looks like this was fixed before I could get to it.
Such a break from the usual, and wonderfully done. Covers the emotions involved a bit lightly, but without ignoring anything and staying quite plausible in the reactions.
That hurt. If I was not tears can not type.
well that was different
and not to bad either
Wonder what would have happened had he decided to go through with leaving instead.
That was really contrived.
My heart hurts.
Had to edit my comment after realizing my mistake. Good job Priest on getting good criticism.
"I've tried though... I've tried so hard before. Then I was raped and nobody believed me," you hiss with exasperation.
"We know. We have watched your dreams for a long time now," she answers calmly.
Then why the FUCK didn't you tell Twilight that?
6965085 Because she has to be mysterious
So let me get this straight...
He was raped and even though Luna knows, nothing has been done to the one responsible. Well then, I guess since he was male and obviously willing it doesn't fucking matter now does it.
Also, Twilight is an silly little fool and her friends are all a big fat wad of conniving bullshit.
I bet this place endorses the whole 'Males can't be raped' BS.
Kinda annoyed that the message is that he needs to change for her. Change what? It says he and Twilight tried to find him work non-stop for a long time and that Everypony turned him down and wanted sex.
He finally gave up and did something to pay Twilight back, it was wrong but is that what he needs to change? He needs to get rid of his pride and be a freeloader or a stay at home husband?
Then he got raped. What does he need to change there? Such a terrible person going around getting raped by a mare how dare he.
Then after Twilight kicked him out he had to whore himself out to LIVE. What does he need to change there? His biological need to eat?
I don't know. I liked it but if it's going to say he needs to change it needed his choice to be more of an aspect. Like another option he had besides freeloading that he chose not to do in favor of prostitution.
I think it's missing the entire point otherwise.
4 facehooves out of 5. Still liked it just irked by the subversion of it's message. Or at least what I felt one of the messages was.
Also realize after rereading it that Twilight is kind of a bitch. She finds out he was telling her the truth from Luna and she still treats him like he was lying
6965085 he did
I need me some more racist applejack.
As a young lad, I always wrote down things that my parents said that I liked. As in, inspiring quotes that I later realized were common sense. One night, my father drank too much at a restaurant(he had a designated driver there, he didn't drive, everyone was and still is A-OK) and was watching The Land Before Time with me.
He looked me in the eye after nudging me like a billion times, and said words that I immediately wrote down: "Son, when you gaze into horseshit, the horseshit will gaze back at you, and bring its cousin bullshit along."
Today, I looked at horseshit. Also known as The Town Bike. It happened to be its own cousin, so I am having a Mexican Standoff with two varieties of shit in one fic.
The fic sounded interesting at first. A human named Anonymous(not a pet peeve for me, surprisingly! I just wish people would come up with different names. Like Cipher. Or Nether. Or Purgatory. They all mean similar things, come ON people) is a manwhore. Okay, this could work. Hahaha, joke's on Eyes Over Heaven approximately 30 minutes ago. Because it didn't.
I'm skipping to the part where Anon is brought to the library by Twilight. Other than the whole "not believing a man got raped" thing, which is sadly common in real life, I have no real problem. Until Luna comes in.
Good lord. Luna was the harbinger of garbage. As soon as she came in, the fic went from "might be cool if done right" to "you belong in a garbage can. That's on fire. And rigged with a lot of C4."
So, Anon rants to Luna about how life sucks. And for once, his life DOES suck! Homeless, friendless, society hates him, he got raped...yeah, I gotta give you points. You gave him good reasons to be a depressed sack of sadness and shit. But those points can go right out the window, when Luna mentions she watched Anon's dreams, and that she knows that a mare really did rape him!
Now, see the problem? She says she knows it's true, AND SHE DOES FUCK-ALL ABOUT IT. FUCKING SHIT THAT LEGITIMATELY PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF.
After my aneurysm and Anon moping some more, while Princess Luna, AKA the Element of Being More Useless Than Fluttershy In A Big Villain Fight Episode, he sleeps and sees The Truth(tm)! The Truth(tm), in this case, is that the Elements of Harmony are a bunch of yeasty cunts. And that includes Princess Twilight "I'm not like the other Elements, even though I was the one who cast you to the street! WE'RE THE BEST COUPLE EVER" Sparkle, for the reason I just mentioned!
While this is happening, Luna talks to Anon about how everything is his fault and he must change.
No. Fuck you. Take a long walk off a short pier into a tank full of hormone-injected sharks with not a single female in there. This is literally victim blaming. Not Tumblr's idea of it(calling for an investigation?! VICTIM BLAMING!!!). This is honest to god victim blaming. Tumblr would be having the mother of all shitfits right now, and I wouldn't blame them a bit!
Finally, Anon decides that yes, this worthless, literally royal sack of shit is right! It's his fault that everyone hates him! It's his fault this all started! It's his fault that the Mane Six are out of character as fuck, and Rainbow Dash is suddenly a fan of The SCUM Manifesto! It's his fault he was raped, and not even the Princess of the Night, WHO FUCKING KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING, MIGHT I ADD, would help! EVERYTHING IS HIS FAULT AND WE WILL HAVE GREAT VENGEANCE UPON HIM, AMIRITE.
So Anon is teleported to Twily, he feels guilty, promises to change, and Twilight sees nothing wrong with this picture. The end.
I have seen many awful things. I saw my friend cut off a stray cat's paw. I watched my sister get screamed at for being knocked up, when her ex-boyfriend didn't use a condom. I even shook in fear as I thought I was going to be killed by a guy holding a gun to my back. This fic is easily up there in "awful things I saw." I end this rant with another mental image:
Picture a plate, and a stick figure wearing an eagle mask(America, fuck yeah) walking to it. He squats and takes a giant shit on it. That stick figure then puts on a tie and nametag, saying "Eyes Over Heaven" in fancy writing, and takes the plate to another stick figure. He puts it down in front of him.
"Eat up, Flutterpriest."
6965256 holy shit man...... i thought only the angry video game nerd could rant like that
Nnnnno. Nah, nope. Can't do it. Can't say it's a good story. There's a lot of stuff that should be emotional, but it's done so poorly this almost seems like a parody.
It isn't the fact that Anon wasn't believed about the rape, that's something that happens in real life. But not a single person believing him? None of her friends being sympathetic? And don't get me started on Luna, who fucking ADMITS to knowing he got raped. He doesn't even seem to care about princess knows he was telling the truth the whole time, and the most she does is get him and Twilight back together. That solves not a single important problem here, and if anything is just gonna make things worse because of the rift that actually will form out of this between Twilight and the others. But whatever, romantic ending.
And then there's Anon. Look, I know your intention was for us to feel as if Anon made his own bed to lie in here, but you have to offer a choice for a character in order to make people feel as if it's their fault too. You made it so Anon had absolutely no choice but to be a whore, so it's hard to attribute any kind of blame when ones choices are either starve and die or be a prostitute.
I guess bottom line is this isn't the kind of story that can be summed up in the time you alloted. Things needed expanding on. Things needed emotional build up. Because the only way I can even see these events happening in any way story wise, I have to go back and read it again with the idea in my head that everypony is a piece of shit.
Wow, I don't say this often, but my only regret is that I have but one downvote to give to this story. That was absolutely awful. I legitimately regret spending the time it took me to read your work. If time is money, I want a refund.
Besides the glaring grammatical errors and out of character... everyone, the story itself was morally reprehensible on almost every level. I'm praying to just about every god I can think of that this was just a trollfic, that you're just trying to rustle peoples' jimmies, because the alternative is that you wrote this honestly believing that there was nothing wrong with the message it sends.
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To put it very bluntly short. All of you are correct. This story is not executed well. If I had more time to post this comment, I'd highlight which pieces of your comments hit the nose spot on. This isn't a very good story and it almost makes light of a lot of serious topics.
Thank you for your criticism. I'll do the best in my power not to make these same mistakes again.
There are so many unfortunate implications within this story and I don't know where to start! Unless the intention was for one to truly hate Ponyville, the elements, and Worst Pony Luna?
Seriously, you've got Luna telling him he needs to change for Twilight when the reason he's doing this to begin with was to pay her for her kindness, not to mention the fact that her and him couldn't get him an actual job because everyone apparently wants the Human D like it's goin on Sin City here.
Then there's Princess "I know there was rape but I'm not gonna do a thing about it" Luna who comes in to try and help put Twilight and Him back together for...some reason? While showing him that her friends are awful at the same time and that in the end there's still nothing done about his situation because nobody in Ponyville gives him a damn bit of respect and he'll still be jobless and people will want him for sex still!
6965326 the best thing a author can do is accept legit criticism and strive to improve
6965326 Just want to reiterate I did like the story for what it could be and if I had to give a strength
I'd say the Emotions while as I said felt wrong for the situations, they did FEEL. They didn't come across as wooden which is always a plus.
Also you wrote your perspectives on point, I never got drawn out of the story by your writing itself. Which I'm sure I will suck at when I get the courage to write.
i gave up reading about two pages in because I was honestly laughing so hard. if this had a comedy tag it would be golden
6965181 Matriarchy, am I right?
The age old knowledge - you can do many things right and nobody bats an eyes. Do one thing wrong and nobody lets you live it down.
Still, this was overall a pretty good read
6965181 I am relieved that this comment has a dozen likes and no dislikes. Thank Celestia.
No.
Okay, I had to nope the fuck out of this story after Luna showed anon what precipitated their breakup, because it had reached critical stupidity. Basically the entire premise of this incident is that nobody cares that someone got raped. No one. Not Twilight, who WATCHED IT HAPPEN, not Luna, who knows for a fact that it happened, shit, not even Anon seems to care overly much, because he apparently didn't even report it to the police/guards/whatever. Even if they didn't believe the rape bit, he'd still have been assaulted.
So yeah. Have my down vote.
Fixed.
I like your writing.
But this is a low point.
You can do better
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Agreed.
6965326 I really appreciate that you understood your shortcomings here. Writers that listen to feedback instead of ignoring it are the ones that grow.
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No, why didn't LUNA tell Twilight that.
6967016 She did too
6966070 I'm sorry, that was awful. Anon was too nice. Let me demonstrate. I need to get in the writing zone, fam, and I am currently not seeing that this is incredibly stupid on my part..
This became way too long and kind of cringey, but I feel like I'd have wasted my time if I didn't post it. Handle this with thick gloves, be wary of the edges, and you better have played that music or else this will be objectively bad. Sorry Flutterpriest.
Speaking of, kudos for posting that disclaimer at the beginning. I still hate this fic, but you're not bad.
6968447 Major Kudos to Flutterpriest for that, *removes dislikes* Also, applause to you for that beautiful piece of work.
Also, I'm sorry, I know what Twilight did was bad, but I needed to post my own alternate alternate ending to say some other shit that needed to be said.
I dunno how to end this travesty, spent enough time on it. This probably would end with Anon and Twi having one of those unhealthy relationships where sex is the only catharsis they get short of violence, and probably fucking up the days of all of Twi's friends. Of course, in this version, Twilight realizes what a mistake she's made only after a while and goes after Anon's rapist before finding him, which makes for an ending I think might be a little more in-character for her. I dunno. Everybody's said enough shit about this story. Jesus, this whole thing, the comment wars afterwards and the disclaimer Flutterpriest needed just to guard his ass, the implications of how male rape is treated in society...
Okay, fuck, I think I'm done. I think this comment was the mental equivalent of a money shot. Let me get some nasty stuff out of my system. Mostly, I'm just tired of victimized Anon, and the whole mindset the Anon's in these stories seem to have, incapable of lifting themselves out of whatever shit they got themselves into and okay with just sitting back and crying about it until a pony comes along and rescues them. Just once or twice I'd like to see Anon reach a point this low, and then overcome, lifting HIMSELF out of whatever shit he's in, not needing some damn pony to come along and fix their own shit. I think that sends a crappy message to the reader: are you a fedora-wearing neckbeard who hasn't left his parents' basement since the Clinton administration? It's okay! Just wait for a magical force to come along and fix the life you built for yourself!
I get that some people really do reach a low point and need help getting out, but so many more could pull themselves up by their bootstraps and crawl back into the light if they'd just try. I'd just like to read a story like that once or twice, you know?
Jesus, this rant. Okay, I'm done, peace out motherfuckers.
6968557 Well forget all my dumb ideas, I'm stealing a good amount of the gold you just dropped!
Skip to 2:50.
6968682 I'll take that, and your watch, as a compliment :)
Thanks!
6968702 It is. The "kill me now" part is how there will never, ever be another time when truth THIS mad is dropped. The two for the pink, one for the stink part is. I dunno, what I hope you will one day get to do with your waifu. I'm trying, here.
6968706 Lol, and we appreciate it :)