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Some lifestyles are hard to change. For a human with no special talent, you had to stoop to a lowly position in society just to make ends meet. Tonight's customer is special. She's the only one who used to believe in you and thought you could stop.
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Cool.
I don't know what you're complaining about. The story is just fine...
There weren't even any really nausea-inducing tense changes.
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You know you love it.
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Hush you. I am a big strong man with no feelings or love to give.
...hugs?
No Flutterrape? Normally I'd give this a 0/69 but this was a really good read! So I'll be nice and give you a 7.2/8~It's not bad-IGN
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Oh, you know I'm all about that ...hugs?
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Ah...friendship, friendship is happening in the comment section everyone.
That was some good stuff man. I give solid 9.5 out of 10.
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N-no...
Yes.
Why is this in human on royalty humanxluna? it was good story but I kinda got fooled xD
It says that there is a human......why isn't there a Human tag?
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Fixed!!!
6963770
Looks like this was fixed before I could get to it.
Such a break from the usual, and wonderfully done. Covers the emotions involved a bit lightly, but without ignoring anything and staying quite plausible in the reactions.
That hurt. If I was not tears can not type.
well that was different
and not to bad either
Wonder what would have happened had he decided to go through with leaving instead.
That was really contrived.
My heart hurts.
Had to edit my comment after realizing my mistake. Good job Priest on getting good criticism.
"I've tried though... I've tried so hard before. Then I was raped and nobody believed me," you hiss with exasperation.
"We know. We have watched your dreams for a long time now," she answers calmly.
Then why the FUCK didn't you tell Twilight that?
6965085 Because she has to be mysterious
So let me get this straight...
He was raped and even though Luna knows, nothing has been done to the one responsible. Well then, I guess since he was male and obviously willing it doesn't fucking matter now does it.
Also, Twilight is an silly little fool and her friends are all a big fat wad of conniving bullshit.
I bet this place endorses the whole 'Males can't be raped' BS.
Kinda annoyed that the message is that he needs to change for her. Change what? It says he and Twilight tried to find him work non-stop for a long time and that Everypony turned him down and wanted sex.
He finally gave up and did something to pay Twilight back, it was wrong but is that what he needs to change? He needs to get rid of his pride and be a freeloader or a stay at home husband?
Then he got raped. What does he need to change there? Such a terrible person going around getting raped by a mare how dare he.
Then after Twilight kicked him out he had to whore himself out to LIVE. What does he need to change there? His biological need to eat?
I don't know. I liked it but if it's going to say he needs to change it needed his choice to be more of an aspect. Like another option he had besides freeloading that he chose not to do in favor of prostitution.
I think it's missing the entire point otherwise.
4 facehooves out of 5. Still liked it just irked by the subversion of it's message. Or at least what I felt one of the messages was.
Also realize after rereading it that Twilight is kind of a bitch. She finds out he was telling her the truth from Luna and she still treats him like he was lying
6965085 he did
I need me some more racist applejack.
As a young lad, I always wrote down things that my parents said that I liked. As in, inspiring quotes that I later realized were common sense. One night, my father drank too much at a restaurant(he had a designated driver there, he didn't drive, everyone was and still is A-OK) and was watching The Land Before Time with me.
He looked me in the eye after nudging me like a billion times, and said words that I immediately wrote down: "Son, when you gaze into horseshit, the horseshit will gaze back at you, and bring its cousin bullshit along."
Today, I looked at horseshit. Also known as The Town Bike. It happened to be its own cousin, so I am having a Mexican Standoff with two varieties of shit in one fic.
The fic sounded interesting at first. A human named Anonymous(not a pet peeve for me, surprisingly! I just wish people would come up with different names. Like Cipher. Or Nether. Or Purgatory. They all mean similar things, come ON people) is a manwhore. Okay, this could work. Hahaha, joke's on Eyes Over Heaven approximately 30 minutes ago. Because it didn't.
I'm skipping to the part where Anon is brought to the library by Twilight. Other than the whole "not believing a man got raped" thing, which is sadly common in real life, I have no real problem. Until Luna comes in.
Good lord. Luna was the harbinger of garbage. As soon as she came in, the fic went from "might be cool if done right" to "you belong in a garbage can. That's on fire. And rigged with a lot of C4."
So, Anon rants to Luna about how life sucks. And for once, his life DOES suck! Homeless, friendless, society hates him, he got raped...yeah, I gotta give you points. You gave him good reasons to be a depressed sack of sadness and shit. But those points can go right out the window, when Luna mentions she watched Anon's dreams, and that she knows that a mare really did rape him!
Now, see the problem? She says she knows it's true, AND SHE DOES FUCK-ALL ABOUT IT. FUCKING SHIT THAT LEGITIMATELY PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF.
After my aneurysm and Anon moping some more, while Princess Luna, AKA the Element of Being More Useless Than Fluttershy In A Big Villain Fight Episode, he sleeps and sees The Truth(tm)! The Truth(tm), in this case, is that the Elements of Harmony are a bunch of yeasty cunts. And that includes Princess Twilight "I'm not like the other Elements, even though I was the one who cast you to the street! WE'RE THE BEST COUPLE EVER" Sparkle, for the reason I just mentioned!
While this is happening, Luna talks to Anon about how everything is his fault and he must change.
No. Fuck you. Take a long walk off a short pier into a tank full of hormone-injected sharks with not a single female in there. This is literally victim blaming. Not Tumblr's idea of it(calling for an investigation?! VICTIM BLAMING!!!). This is honest to god victim blaming. Tumblr would be having the mother of all shitfits right now, and I wouldn't blame them a bit!
Finally, Anon decides that yes, this worthless, literally royal sack of shit is right! It's his fault that everyone hates him! It's his fault this all started! It's his fault that the Mane Six are out of character as fuck, and Rainbow Dash is suddenly a fan of The SCUM Manifesto! It's his fault he was raped, and not even the Princess of the Night, WHO FUCKING KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING, MIGHT I ADD, would help! EVERYTHING IS HIS FAULT AND WE WILL HAVE GREAT VENGEANCE UPON HIM, AMIRITE.
So Anon is teleported to Twily, he feels guilty, promises to change, and Twilight sees nothing wrong with this picture. The end.
I have seen many awful things. I saw my friend cut off a stray cat's paw. I watched my sister get screamed at for being knocked up, when her ex-boyfriend didn't use a condom. I even shook in fear as I thought I was going to be killed by a guy holding a gun to my back. This fic is easily up there in "awful things I saw." I end this rant with another mental image:
Picture a plate, and a stick figure wearing an eagle mask(America, fuck yeah) walking to it. He squats and takes a giant shit on it. That stick figure then puts on a tie and nametag, saying "Eyes Over Heaven" in fancy writing, and takes the plate to another stick figure. He puts it down in front of him.
"Eat up, Flutterpriest."
6965256 holy shit man...... i thought only the angry video game nerd could rant like that
Nnnnno. Nah, nope. Can't do it. Can't say it's a good story. There's a lot of stuff that should be emotional, but it's done so poorly this almost seems like a parody.
It isn't the fact that Anon wasn't believed about the rape, that's something that happens in real life. But not a single person believing him? None of her friends being sympathetic? And don't get me started on Luna, who fucking ADMITS to knowing he got raped. He doesn't even seem to care about princess knows he was telling the truth the whole time, and the most she does is get him and Twilight back together. That solves not a single important problem here, and if anything is just gonna make things worse because of the rift that actually will form out of this between Twilight and the others. But whatever, romantic ending.
And then there's Anon. Look, I know your intention was for us to feel as if Anon made his own bed to lie in here, but you have to offer a choice for a character in order to make people feel as if it's their fault too. You made it so Anon had absolutely no choice but to be a whore, so it's hard to attribute any kind of blame when ones choices are either starve and die or be a prostitute.
I guess bottom line is this isn't the kind of story that can be summed up in the time you alloted. Things needed expanding on. Things needed emotional build up. Because the only way I can even see these events happening in any way story wise, I have to go back and read it again with the idea in my head that everypony is a piece of shit.
Wow, I don't say this often, but my only regret is that I have but one downvote to give to this story. That was absolutely awful. I legitimately regret spending the time it took me to read your work. If time is money, I want a refund.
Besides the glaring grammatical errors and out of character... everyone, the story itself was morally reprehensible on almost every level. I'm praying to just about every god I can think of that this was just a trollfic, that you're just trying to rustle peoples' jimmies, because the alternative is that you wrote this honestly believing that there was nothing wrong with the message it sends.
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To put it very bluntly short. All of you are correct. This story is not executed well. If I had more time to post this comment, I'd highlight which pieces of your comments hit the nose spot on. This isn't a very good story and it almost makes light of a lot of serious topics.
Thank you for your criticism. I'll do the best in my power not to make these same mistakes again.
There are so many unfortunate implications within this story and I don't know where to start! Unless the intention was for one to truly hate Ponyville, the elements, and Worst Pony Luna?
Seriously, you've got Luna telling him he needs to change for Twilight when the reason he's doing this to begin with was to pay her for her kindness, not to mention the fact that her and him couldn't get him an actual job because everyone apparently wants the Human D like it's goin on Sin City here.
Then there's Princess "I know there was rape but I'm not gonna do a thing about it" Luna who comes in to try and help put Twilight and Him back together for...some reason? While showing him that her friends are awful at the same time and that in the end there's still nothing done about his situation because nobody in Ponyville gives him a damn bit of respect and he'll still be jobless and people will want him for sex still!
6965326 the best thing a author can do is accept legit criticism and strive to improve
6965326 Just want to reiterate I did like the story for what it could be and if I had to give a strength
I'd say the Emotions while as I said felt wrong for the situations, they did FEEL. They didn't come across as wooden which is always a plus.
Also you wrote your perspectives on point, I never got drawn out of the story by your writing itself. Which I'm sure I will suck at when I get the courage to write.
i gave up reading about two pages in because I was honestly laughing so hard. if this had a comedy tag it would be golden
6965181 Matriarchy, am I right?
The age old knowledge - you can do many things right and nobody bats an eyes. Do one thing wrong and nobody lets you live it down.
Still, this was overall a pretty good read
6965181 I am relieved that this comment has a dozen likes and no dislikes. Thank Celestia.
No.
Okay, I had to nope the fuck out of this story after Luna showed anon what precipitated their breakup, because it had reached critical stupidity. Basically the entire premise of this incident is that nobody cares that someone got raped. No one. Not Twilight, who WATCHED IT HAPPEN, not Luna, who knows for a fact that it happened, shit, not even Anon seems to care overly much, because he apparently didn't even report it to the police/guards/whatever. Even if they didn't believe the rape bit, he'd still have been assaulted.
So yeah. Have my down vote.
Fixed.
I like your writing.
But this is a low point.
You can do better
6966353
Agreed.
6965326 I really appreciate that you understood your shortcomings here. Writers that listen to feedback instead of ignoring it are the ones that grow.
6965247
No, why didn't LUNA tell Twilight that.
6967016 She did too
6966070 I'm sorry, that was awful. Anon was too nice. Let me demonstrate. I need to get in the writing zone, fam, and I am currently not seeing that this is incredibly stupid on my part..
This became way too long and kind of cringey, but I feel like I'd have wasted my time if I didn't post it. Handle this with thick gloves, be wary of the edges, and you better have played that music or else this will be objectively bad. Sorry Flutterpriest.
Speaking of, kudos for posting that disclaimer at the beginning. I still hate this fic, but you're not bad.
6968447 Major Kudos to Flutterpriest for that, *removes dislikes* Also, applause to you for that beautiful piece of work.
Also, I'm sorry, I know what Twilight did was bad, but I needed to post my own alternate alternate ending to say some other shit that needed to be said.
I dunno how to end this travesty, spent enough time on it. This probably would end with Anon and Twi having one of those unhealthy relationships where sex is the only catharsis they get short of violence, and probably fucking up the days of all of Twi's friends. Of course, in this version, Twilight realizes what a mistake she's made only after a while and goes after Anon's rapist before finding him, which makes for an ending I think might be a little more in-character for her. I dunno. Everybody's said enough shit about this story. Jesus, this whole thing, the comment wars afterwards and the disclaimer Flutterpriest needed just to guard his ass, the implications of how male rape is treated in society...
Okay, fuck, I think I'm done. I think this comment was the mental equivalent of a money shot. Let me get some nasty stuff out of my system. Mostly, I'm just tired of victimized Anon, and the whole mindset the Anon's in these stories seem to have, incapable of lifting themselves out of whatever shit they got themselves into and okay with just sitting back and crying about it until a pony comes along and rescues them. Just once or twice I'd like to see Anon reach a point this low, and then overcome, lifting HIMSELF out of whatever shit he's in, not needing some damn pony to come along and fix their own shit. I think that sends a crappy message to the reader: are you a fedora-wearing neckbeard who hasn't left his parents' basement since the Clinton administration? It's okay! Just wait for a magical force to come along and fix the life you built for yourself!
I get that some people really do reach a low point and need help getting out, but so many more could pull themselves up by their bootstraps and crawl back into the light if they'd just try. I'd just like to read a story like that once or twice, you know?
Jesus, this rant. Okay, I'm done, peace out motherfuckers.
6968557 Well forget all my dumb ideas, I'm stealing a good amount of the gold you just dropped!
Skip to 2:50.
6968682 I'll take that, and your watch, as a compliment :)
Thanks!
6968702 It is. The "kill me now" part is how there will never, ever be another time when truth THIS mad is dropped. The two for the pink, one for the stink part is. I dunno, what I hope you will one day get to do with your waifu. I'm trying, here.
6968706 Lol, and we appreciate it :)