• Member Since 20th Oct, 2012
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It is a question Captain of the Guard Night Light asks cadets at the guard academy every year as a condition for graduating and becoming full fledged guards, but this year he will have to ask his own son Shining Armor this question.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 26 )

This a great concept! The first chapter is a little short, it probably would have worked better if this was a one-shot, with everything posted at once, so we don't have to wait for the payoff. However, I understand how demanding writing can be, so no biggie.

That being said I eagerly await the hilarity that will no doubt ensue in the following update (or updates?).:raritywink:

6755673 I don't know about that I have seen stories that are much stranger than this, though another idea I will soon implement involving toilet humor is ALOT more messed up than this, way too much to keep it to a teen rating.

6755668 Since the semester and finals are over, it should hopefully not take long. My hours went up as work as always happens during a holiday, but not as much as they did for Thanksgiving.

6756062 I know so have I. But it still feels like you have the monopoly when it comes to this sort of thing.

I'm not sure why anyone would need to question your masturbatory habits. To be a cop or in the military, in real life or fiction.

6756169 I know it is a bit weird, but I think it is because it is weird that makes the idea hilarious. The reason given to the person in question and the reason in this fic which will be revealed in chapter 2 will be

it is a psychological test to see how the candidate reacts to awkward and uncomfortable situations. The reason for this is police or in this case guard may deal with various awkward situations that may make them uncomfortable and some of these may be bizarre and unexpected. It also is meant to test honesty as it is assumed most of them do in fact masturbate and that most of them who say they don't are probably lying and would likely lie about other things as well.

I look forward to reading more. This premise is hilarious! :twilightsmile:

I loved this. I can't believe it doesn't have more thumb-up! It's so adorable, and actually makes sense! Someone incapable of answering uncomfortable QUESTIONS probably wouldn't be much help in a SITUATION that was just as uncomfortable.

6811090 I suppose it does in its own odd sort of way, granted most situations a guard would deal with wouldn't be sexual in nature but still.


Why does this have the rating ratio it does? That was hilarious!

6811104 Most of those downvotes came when I posted the first chapter actually.

6811108 Huh, well, I hope more people find it. This deserves more than what it has already.

This whole thing is stupid. I was expecting comedy of the sort, but instead rewarded with horrible dialogue and errors. The questions in the interview seemed way to forced in, like it was supposed to be some filler. There are too many run on sentences.

Overall instead of feeling entertained with Shining's humiliation I felt like I've wasted my time.

Also I want to add the Shining didn't seem at all nervous when asked such personal questions, or at least nervous enough as the title pic and description gives off as.

6811096 If guards are like police, then they MIGHT have to deal with sexual situations, such as rape and prostitution (unless that's legal in Equestria). :pinkiehappy:


I am a purveyor of dank memes, and there's plenty more where that came from.

6811187 In my imagining of Equestria prostitution is legal, but highly controversial and of course rape is illegal. I imagine the guards have a mix of law enforcement traits via the "militia" system in early American history before most cities had police departments and a traditional military force with some major cities like Manehattan having something closer to the equivalent of modern police.

6811152 He seemed fairly humiliated to me at least at the beginning, granted it ended a bit different than I originally planned but I never intended the embarrassment he felt at this to be so completely and thoroughly humiliating that it scars him for life. Most of the humor that I went for is in just how absurd the situation is with any humiliation felt or expressed being an extension of that. I can see some situations where seeing that you are not the only who is nervous making you feel a bit better and other cases where it may have the opposite effect. For most of the story he answered because he felt obligated to answer with him sort of making peace with it but still not liking it and then embracing it later.

My reactiok to the parents: Can't...stop... Laughing:rainbowlaugh: so much information.

This went much deeper than I thought it would. Good show! I laughed out loud several times.

Oh, that was good times and this was a good story. I liked especially how it wasn't so straightforward, and it was embellished and fun. When Celestia came in, I was like, "Oh shit!"

I'm not so sure of the alcohol involvement, and the veterans being uncomfortable. I figured they would have a professional switch. Most cops I know have a persona that they don when it comes down to brass tacks.

I did enjoy the lead up and the other ponies involved. I also like that they hammered the purpose of making Armor uncomfortable by building on his answers.

I'm Floor Tom by the way. This was awesome. I'll be following you!

6818389 I am glad you liked it, it did go deeper than I originally intended. This was originally going to be a one shot actually, but I though why not show a bit of the interviewers points of view as well? Despite having to keep up appearances I will bet that asking such a question to someone even after many years can probably still be awkward. I have never been a cop or in the military but as someone who has been in the grocery business for 8 years there are a lot of situations that have that made me very uncomfortable in which I have had to put up a sort of persona in front of customers, some of whom were a tad unpleasant. I could relate to Night Light's position somewhat, as well as Shining Armor's.

Ridiculously silly, but funny and enjoyable. Couple of niggling grammar issues here and there, but nothing that detracts. :twilightsmile:

I liked the special armor bit. All in all a very funny story. I feel the ending chapter was unnecessary though.

"Cadet Shining Armor, Do you masturbate?"

Shining looked momentarily dumbstruck before answering.

"Do I masturbate? Of course not."

An uneasy silence filled the room as looks of disappointment spread from pony to pony.

"Cadet Armor, am I to understand that you, do not masturbate?"

"Of course I don't," Shining laughed. "Do you have any idea who my marefriend is? Between sex three times a day minimum and her 'blowjobs make the best breakfast' policy, I can barely keep up!"

Ohh, boy...

"They stopped at a large door with two slots in it that were shaped exactly like their shields and with the same symbols on their shields"

This sentence is awkward as fuck.

"Very good I am Captain Night Light and this you recognize as Commandant Swift Sword of the guard academy and we will be questioning you today but we will also have some help from a few others who are now to come out."

Holy run-on sentence, Batman!

Also, the nosebleed thing doesn't... Actually happen.

Also, "captain I always see you drinking heavily around this time of year and for your sake and for ours you need to stop doing that. Inspector General, I can tell you are not just being stern because of your position and you need to lighten up a bit"

That was way out of line. He should have been yelled at for that.

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