• Published 22nd Dec 2015
  • 1,777 Views, 26 Comments

Do You Masturbate? - EarthbendingProdigy

It is a question Captain of the Guard Night Light asks cadets at the guard academy every year as a condition for graduating and becoming full fledged guards, but this year he will have to ask his own son Shining Armor this question.

  • ...

Why are they asking me this?

It was four days after Shining Armor found out about his interview, not knowing what it entailed he studied for those next few days, making que cards and practicing answer questions he believed they were likely to ask him in this interview. Since last minute cram sessions always made him nervous he preferred to relax the day of a test, he gave his boots one last shine and made sure his shirt was tucked in before he left.

"Big brother, mom told me to give this to you." Twilight Sparkle said as she gave Shining Armor a hand written note that looks like it was written at the last minute.

To my son, I am sorry I couldn't say goodbye before your big interview, but they want me to cover for someone who had to go to the hospital because she was sick. They haven't told me exactly what I am doing yet and seem unusually hush hush about it, but I just want you to know that mommy is very proud of you.

"Thanks sis, I will see you a bit later." Shining Armor said as he started to walk out the door.

"Good luck, there is no question my big brother can't answer."

As Shining Armor made his way over to the castle part of him felt confident, yet there was also a part of him that was slightly uneasy. His father always acted strange this time of year yet was even more so this year and it seemed a bit strange that his mother was being called to cover for somepony without them telling her what she was doing, but he decided that it was best to try not to think about those matters at least for now. As he checked in, he was escorted by two guards one male and the other female clad in what appeared to be ceremonial armor he had never seen before. The armor was a bright silver, much purer than most suits of armor Shining Armor had seen yet it was the insignia's that made them stand out. The male guard had a symbol of a sword being polished on his breastplate and an erupting volcano on his shield while the female guard had a white lotus flower being trimmed on her breastplate and a dripping honeypot on her shield.

"Those symbols have had sexual connotations in ancient cultures, but that can't be what they meant in this context can they?" Shining Armor wondered to himself.

As Shining Armor followed the guards he tried not to let this unexpected development throw him off, he tried not to stare but found it difficult not to. They stopped at a large door with two slots in it that were shaped exactly like their shields and with the same symbols on their shields. The male and female guards stuck their shields in their appropriate slots causing the door to slide open. They walked to what appeared to be a waiting room full of other candidates. As they walked into the room the male guard started to speak.

"Cadet, you may be seated once you sign in and may read any of the books or magazines in this waiting room but you are not to speak to any of the cadets and may not speak to any officers unless spoken to. Your name will be called momentarily, do you understand cadet."

"Yes sir." Shining Armor responded as he saluted them.

"We will now take our leave to escort other candidates, cadet Shining Armor" the female guard said as she took her turn to speak.

As Shining Armor signed in he looked at the various magazines before sitting down, he saw a surprising amount of celebrity gossip magazines which he had no interest in, there were various sports and weapons magazines but the issues were quite old despite the magazines relative good condition. To his surprise though he also saw various "swimsuit editions" of some of his favorite magazines, some of them he has made use of during his "alone time".

"Dammit boner, not now." Shining Armor thought to himself as he tried to find something else, anything else to read.

"Hmmm lets see, the top 10 hottest celebrity stallions. Okay, I am not into stallions so this should do the trick." Shining Armor muttered silently as he started to read the magazine.

Shining Armor's unwelcome arousal began to die down as he looked at the suggestive pictures of various stallions and read the various articles in the magazine. Certain matters such as fashion and celebrity gossip as usual bored him, but was exactly what he needed. There were some slightly suggestive pictures of mares, but he simply skipped through them. Just when he thought he was in the clear though he saw the words "how to make him cum, tips and tricks on how to drive your stallion wild." His nose spouted blood almost instantly at his discovery of that article, some of it much to his dismay staining the magazine.

"Shit" Shining Armor quietly swore as he took out his spare handkerchief from his shirt pocket.

He dabbed the stain, inadvertently smearing the blood further into the page in his panic.

"Crap, I can't believe this is happening after so many years." Shining Armor thought to himself.

Flashbacks of bad memories came flooding into Shining Armor's mind as he remembered magazines he had accidentally stained after getting carried away from his "self amusement sessions" as he often called them. What this magazine was stained with may be different but what caused it was a bit too similar for comfort for Shining Armor.

"At least it is not as sticky." Shining Armor thought to himself as tried to make himself feel better as he resigned himself to the fact that he probably wouldn't get the stain out.

"Cadet Shining Armor."

Shining Armor stepped forward as he heard his name being called, he wasn't off to a good start so far but he cleaned himself up and quickly walked up to the front desk and hope they wouldn't notice his blunder at least until after the interview was over.

"Cadet, your interview will be conducted on the second room to your left you are to knock on the door and state your name when asked is that clear?"

"Yes sir."

Shining Armor walked toward the door and noticed a female cadet come out, he knew her everyone did, she was nice enough but often took things seriously, a bit too seriously in the opinions of some of the cadets yet as she walked past him he saw an entirely different side of her. She had her hand on her face, almost as if she were trying to hide it. What Shining Armor could see of her face was that she was blushing profusely.

"Good luck." She whispered in Shining Armors ear as she began to leave.

"Did she of all ponies fail? No, she seems happy despite her embarrassment, but why the embarrassment?" Shining Armor wondered to himself as he knocked on the door.

"State your name cadet."

"Shining Armor."

Once he said his name the door was opened by a pair of male and female guards each wearing the same ceremonial armor and shields as the last one he saw. They lead Shining Armor inside as they closed the door behind them into a large room with multiple desks, one in the middle and some steps leading up to a long desk with multiple chairs. Shining Armor recognized this room, it was the same one he saw depicted in his history book where guards who abused their power were court martialed. He had done nothing wrong, so he wasn't concerned about that but it seemed almost as if they were deliberately making this situation as uncomfortable as possible. As Shining Armor sat down he saw his father and uncle sitting next to each other, the room was silent for a few moments until his father broke the silence.

"Cadet Shining Armor, today you are here to answer some questions many of which may be a bit uncomfortable and the purpose of which you may not understand right away, but please understand that these questions no matter how absurd and irrelevant they may seem are important. As your father I am of course proud of you, but during this interview you are to address me as your captain not your father is that understood?"

"Sir yes, captain sir!"

"Very good I am Captain Night Light and this you recognize as Commandant Swift Sword of the guard academy and we will be questioning you today but we will also have some help from a few others who are now to come out."

A few more figures came out from a backroom, each seating themselves one by one as Night Light introduced them. At first they were high ranking officers that Shining Armor didn't know, but the last two were a bit surprising.

"The last questioner is Princess Celestia who was kind enough to take some time out of her busy schedule for this interview today and our stenographer is librarian and archivist Twilight Velvet.

Shining Armor noticed a calm and composed face on most of them yet noticed his father have a nervous twitch and his mother blushing an even brighter shade of red than that female cadet that walked out. Something was strange about this interview, but he didn't know what. His train of thought was interrupted by Night Light saying.

"Cadet Shining Armor, there is no gentlemanly way to ask this question and in my personal experience trying to sugarcoat it seems to do no good so I will simply ask point blank... Do you masturbate?"

The room fell dead silent once the question was asked, for Shining Armor it was as if time had stood still, he stared at his father who poured himself a glass of whiskey and his mother who tried to keep her composure as she was writing down various notes. He took a gulp and a deep breath and asked.

"Excuse me Captain Night Light but have I heard you correctly, did you ask me if I masturbate?" Shining Armor asked hoping it was a trick question.

Night Light chugged down the shotglass and simply answered.

"Yes cadet, I asked and will ask again do you masturbate?"

Shining Armor was completely speechless, he stared in disbelief.

"The rumors are true, they really do ask us if we masturbate, I thought they were too ridiculous to possibility be true but here I am." Shining Armor thought to himself.

"I will ask one last time, do you masturbate cadet?"

"Yes..." Shining Armor reluctantly blurted out.

"What was that? I don't hear you cadet."

"Sir yes sir! I masturbate!" Shining Armor answered as he gave a salute.

"Very good cadet, Velvet can you please read the cadets answer." Night Light said as he stared at Twilight Velvet

"Let the record show that Cadet Shining Armor though hesitant at first said loudly, 'sir yes sir! I masturbate!'" Twilight Velvet responded her face growing more bright red by the second.

"Inspector general I believe you have the next question." Night Light said as he pointed to an elderly stallion in what appeared to be a captains uniform.

"Very well, Cadet Shining Armor you have confirmed that you in fact masturbate, so our next question for you is how often do you masturbate?"

"Why are they asking me this? What am I auditioning to be a pornstar?" Shining Armor thought to himself.

"Cadet, as Inspector General and former guard captain I am technically on semi retirement I have a golf game in an hour and want to get this done."

Shining Armor could tell he didn't want to be here, that it was likely his sense of duty that kept him there and remember what his father told him about the former guard captain having a nasty temper so he gathered up his courage as he answered.

"Well sir, I used to masturbate twice a day, usually once in the morning and once at night and sometimes three times on weekends but now I hardly ever need to do it anymore."

"Hardly ever? Usually such a precipitous drop is due to a cadet becoming sexually active, did you get a marefriend?" The Inspector General asked

"Yes sir, I have been dating Princess Cadence for the last few months." Shining Armor answered with a slight smile on his face.

"Okay, I had heard rumors from officers and cadets, but I dismissed it as mere bullshit so I was wrong cadet?"

Princess Celestia began to speak and said.

"I can in fact confirm that my niece has been dating this young stallion Inspector General Stern Warning, and if you don't mind I would like to take over the questioning for a while."

"Very well your majesty, but it baffles me why you agreed to this." Stern Warning said.

"I have my reasons inspector both as princess and as an aunt. As for you young cadet, you stated that you haven't needed to masturbate as much lately was this before or after you started dating my niece?"

"I would just like you to know that I love your niece very much and with her with the utmost respect." Shining Armor replied nervously.

"I would hope you would, but that dosen't answer my question and evasion and flattery will get you nowhere." Celestia replied

"It is after I started dating Cadence, your majesty." Shining Armor answered reluctantly.

"And what say you stenographer Velvet?" Captain Night Light asked.

"Let the record be shown that my son... uh I mean cadet Shining Armor's masturbation frequency went down considerably after he started dating Princess Cadence." Twilight Velvet reluctantly acknowledged as memories of cleaning up various semen stains from her sons masturbation sessions flooded her mind.

"Since you and my niece have started dating have you slept with her?" Celestia asked.

"Are you certain it is appropriate to ask this here and now? This particular question wouldn't just be about me." Shining Armor asked with slight concern.

"Everything said here is confidential and I suspect that her majesty may have spoken to Cadence before agreeing to ask such a question cadet." Night Light clarified.

Shining Armor tried, but knew the excuse wouldn't work with how open Cadence was with her sexuality much to his embarrassment.

"Yes, she evidently seems to have an even higher sex drive than me actually, so we have done it quite often."Shining Armor replied as wiped some nervous sweat from his forehead.

"Let the record show that Cadet Shining Armor's mmastur...batory activity decreased considerably as a result of having an active sex life with his marefriend Princess Cadence." Twilight Velvet stammered through her statement as she kept battling her overwhelming need to run and hide and her desire to do her duty.

If they were talking in private Captain Night Light would likely give his son a high five for a successful love life, but now he kept pouring himself more and more whiskey to dull his embarrassment at this bizarre spectacle. Celestia simply nodded at the others as she was satisfied with his answers. Commandant Swift Sword knew it was his turn to ask a question, he looked around and thought for a moment and then asked.

"Cadet, was your first time with Cadence?"

"Yes, it was and it was the right time and with the right pony." Shining Armor answered the question with surprising ease.

"Can you tell us a bit about it, Cadet?" Commandant Swift Sword asked.

"Can I have a drink of that whiskey captain?" Shining Armor asked as he felt a knot in the pit of his stomach.

"Yes, I will give you one shot but only one." Captain Night Light said as he pulled out another shot glass and poured it to the top and motioned for Shining Armor to approach.

As Shining Armor took the glass and sat down, he quickly chugged it down.

"Bleh, uh dad how can you drink this shit? It tastes like medicine and stale piss." Shining Armor asked as he tried to get the taste out of his mouth.

"Remember, for this interview you are not to address me as your father or the commandant as your uncle cadet." Night Light chastized him.

"Yes sir and to answer the question asked by the commandant to tell you the honest truth my first time was extremely awkward. Lets just say it ended on a rather pre mature note."

"Did you ejaculate pre maturely cadet?" the Commandant asked.

"I uh...." Shining Armor drew a blank as he struggled to answer.

"I will ask again did you cum too quickly?"

Shining Armor remained silent, this was an embarrassing occurrence for any stallion especially one that preferred to keep "private" things private like him.

"One last time, did you make hasty pudding? Finish first in the one peter dash? Rush to smudgement..."

"Yes, damn it! I prematurely ejaculated! Next question please." Shining Armor shouted out in a mix of anger, annoyance and embarrassment.

"I see, how did it begin?" the commandant asked.

"My parents were out for their anniversary and Cadence was foal sitting my little sister. I came by after I was done for the day at the academy, Cadence was reading a bed time story to her and it didn't take long for her to go to sleep. Cadence and I talked about sex for the last week or so before this but she suggested we go to my room and do it there, after some reluctance she persuaded me but on one condition, that we do it in my parents bedroom because it was further away and there would be less of chance of Twilight overhearing or accidentally walking in on us. She could tell I was eager as was she so uh got right to it and after I got over my disappointment we did it again two more times that same night and they were a lot better than that first time thankfully."

"Let the record show that my sss... I mean cadet Shining Armor had his first time with Cadence in my and my husb... I mean his parents bedroom with him finishing pre maturely the first time but with him saying he fared better the other two times." Twilight Velvet stated.

"Okay, that is enough about the cadets sex life for now lets get back to masturbation. When you masturbate do you or have you used pornography of any kind?" Captain Night Light asked.

"Yes, but I have mostly stuck to suggestive rather than outright explicit material mostly due to walking into a dirty bookstore and buying this stuff being a bit embarrassing and I of course sometimes resort to simply using my imagination."

"Material such as?" Night Light asked

"Swimsuit issues of various magazines as well as pinups in sports magazines." Shining Armor replied.

"What do you think of when you are touching yourself? What gets your ahem 'private' to stand at attention?" Night Light asked as he poured himself another drink.

"I don't know mostly fairly normal what some would call vanilla sex though some of my thoughts go to me being dominated by a mare and as I learned after my first time I seem to have a strong pregnancy fetish, I forgot that Cadence cast the no foals spell before and I had an odd mix of fear and arousal at the thought that I might have gotten her pregnant." Shining Armor said as he was getting more comfortable as the shock of the questions was starting to wear down a bit.

"Holy shit he is saying almost the exact same thing his mother said when I first asked her this question when we started doing it?" Night Light thought to himself.

Inspector General Stern Warning spoke up as he noticed Night Light starting to lose his composure. "Can you clarify for us the fantasies you mentioned where you are being dominated by a mare?"

"I suppose it is the idea of letting go and letting someone else take charge that turns me on, some of it involves things like being tied down but much of it is simply being able to relax and trust someone enough to let them have their way with you if that makes sense. I have to be in control and command of everything almost everyday in this environment so there is something oddly liberating about Cadence pushing me a bit further than I may normally be comfortable with." Shining Armor admitted.

"You are much more calm and at ease than when the interview started, why?" Inspector General Stern Warning asked.

"Ever since that first question was asked in this interview I was shocked and horrified, but as I see all these questions being asked I see that you are all just as nervous if not more so than me which is making all the things my lovely marefriend has been telling me about not being afraid or embarrassed of my sexual side actually start to make sense. Here we are making a huge deal out of something completely natural and healthy, captain I always see you drinking heavily around this time of year and for your sake and for ours you need to stop doing that. Inspector General, I can tell you are not just being stern because of your position and you need to lighten up a bit. Commandant, you seem more worried about your cadets than the subject matter which I can understand. Your majesty, I love your niece very much and though it is still early in the relationship I hope she will one day make me the happiest stallion the world and marry me. And lastly stenographer Velvet, mom I know this has been difficult for you as you were probably not expecting to do this of all things today, but after this is all done I think you and dad need time alone together."

Both Night Light and Twilight Velvet stared at each other and their son, their obvious embarrassment written on their faces, his uncle and the Inspector Generals mouths were both open wide in shock as to what was said as Celestia simply started chuckling.

"You know our son is right honey." Twilight Velvet broke the silence.

"Uh sweetie, I don't think this is the time to..." Night Light stammered as he sense his wife was going to reveal something deeply personal.

"We have been married a long time yet we haven't had sex for the last 3 months and the last time we did it felt forced and mechanical like we were simply going through the motions, I don't blame you or myself between work and the kids it has been difficult to find time but I want us to make the time. When we are done today I want you to take me to bed and fuck me until I can't even stand anymore just like you used to." Twilight Velvet said with conviction.

Commandant Swift Sword never knew his sister to use profanity but then again he wasn't the one sleeping with her, he nodded his head as if to give a silent blessing.

"Myself, the commandant and the other participants in this interview which vary depending on the individual applicant usually go in the backroom to deliberate in private for a little while but given the unusual circumstances I will simply announce now that you cadet Shining Armor have passed the interview and will be assigned the rank of private after passing basic training and depending on how you do after a year or two in service may be eligible for officer training. Congratulations my boy, and with that said I thank Celestia your interview was last today because your mother and I have some personal business to attend to." Night Light said as came and picked up his wife and started to carry her out the door.

Shining Armor breathed a sigh of relief, today was truly and exhausting and strange day but also a very rewarding one. As he relaxed for a moment to collect his thoughts Princess Celestia spoke up.

"Young man, I am very proud of you today, Cadence has been watching Twilight today but I will take over for her."

"Thank you your majesty I..."

"There is no reason to be so formal, go enjoy the rest of your day and most likely your night." Celestia said as she started to escort him out.