• Published 22nd Dec 2015
  • 1,778 Views, 26 Comments

Do You Masturbate? - EarthbendingProdigy

It is a question Captain of the Guard Night Light asks cadets at the guard academy every year as a condition for graduating and becoming full fledged guards, but this year he will have to ask his own son Shining Armor this question.

  • ...

That is why they asked me that.

Author's Note:

I am considering writing a cloppy spin off of this going into detail the sex scenes between Cadence and Shining Armor and Night Light and Twilight Velvet.

The next morning Shining Armor woke up in his marefriend Cadences bedroom, she kissed him.

"Good morning stud, I don't know what got into you last night, but I like it."

"You don't know what got into me, but I know what got into you last night and what might get into you again a bit later." Shining Armor said as he gave Cadence a playful slap on her behind.

"Oooh Shiny, I am looking forward to it." Cadence cooed.

As they both started to get dressed they heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Cadence asked with a slight twinge of annoyance as she was fairly certain she remembered to place the do not disturb sign on the door.

"It is your Aunt Celestia, I am here to give Shining Armor his graduation announcement date." Celestia said as she slipped a formal looking slip of paper under the door.

"You passed? So that explains why you were so happy, but still not the confidence entirely I want to hear all about it later." Cadence smiled happily.

"It was the strangest day of my entire life, but it had a happy ending, a very very happy ending." Shining Armor said as he stared lovingly at his marefriend.

"Aunt Celestia told me about the interview and why they ask those kinds of questions years ago actually." Cadence admitted.

"Is it because you are a princess like her?" Shining Armor asked.

"Yes, it is all princesses and high ranked government ministers know about this and are tasked with keeping it a secret." Cadence admitted.

"But that begs the question of why they would ask sexual questions like that, what kind of purpose could it have?" Shining Armor said as he scratched his head.

"My Aunt Celestia got the idea 1000 years ago from a conversation with somepony she was close to, but she wouldn't tell me who it was. She recognized that it made her uncomfortable and suggested to the then guard captain that it could be used as a way to test out candidates for the royal guard to see how they respond to awkward and uncomfortable situations and how honest and trust worthy they are and it has been used ever since." Cadence said as she scratched her head wondering who this pony was that aunt Celestia talked to.

"It is a psychological test, but what if the candidate dosen't masturbate?" Shining Armor asked.

"It assumes that most ponies masturbate, and that many of the ones who say they don't are lying about it which seems to be the case given how uneasy many ponies are with that and various other aspects of sexuality, it is quite tragic really." Cadence sighed.

"So candidates who say they don't masturbate aren't automatically disqualified if they are found to have told the truth?" Shining Armor asked.

"It is rare, but yes nearly all of the candidates who have denied masturbating have been found to actually have actually done it." Cadence replied.

"My parents taught me that sex was something special, I think they knew I touched myself but we never really talked about it until yesterday. Most of my sex education was from the academy and reading biology books." Shining Armor said as he started to daydream a bit about his past.

"My aunt Celestia also told me something she hasn't told anypony else, apparently she also implemented this because though she wanted guards that had moral character she also wanted to make sure that they weren't completely uptight, because in her words 'i didn't want some high and mighty morality police that forgot that though they are in positions of public trust that they themselves are ponies just like anypony else.'" Cadence smiled proudly.

One week later, friends and family watched as Shining Armor was set to graduate, as it was not unusual for military service to run in families many in the audience also wore uniforms for the occasion. As Shining Armor sat patiently for his name to be called he looked out to his mother, younger sister and Cadence along with a few friends all sitting next each other he wanted to enjoy the sight but for now he simply looked to the stage patiently for his name to be called.

"Cadet, Silver Spear, Cadet Thunderstorm, Cadet Rising Falcon..." Commandant Swift Sword read the names of the graduates one by one as they came up to the podium to be handed a rank insignia by the captain.

Shining Armor was relieved that most of his friends seem to have made it, he looked back and forth between his mother, sister and a few friends and other family who were sitting in the audience chamber above him.

"Cadet, Armored Wing..." Shining Armor looked closely at the stage and recognized the face, it was that same female cadet who was interviewed before him.

As she walked off the stage she went up to a male cadet that had his name called before her and started to kiss him, his face gave a slight blush as he pulled her into his arms.

"She is a very different mare than she was yesterday." Shining Armor thought to himself.

As they walked toward the exit, they broke the kiss and he heard the male cadet ask.

"I know we have been friends since we were foals and this may be dumb question but are we special some ponies now?"

"You are damn right we are handsome, I waited far too long with this and I am going to make up for some lost time."

Shining Armor heard his name called not long after that, he walked up to the podium to accept what he had worked so hard for. Things may not have gone entirely how he imagined, but he smiled out at the crowd as he realized that sometimes the best things in life are those we least expect. It was a day he would remember and always reflect on every year, especially he himself became the captain.

Comments ( 15 )

I loved this. I can't believe it doesn't have more thumb-up! It's so adorable, and actually makes sense! Someone incapable of answering uncomfortable QUESTIONS probably wouldn't be much help in a SITUATION that was just as uncomfortable.

6811090 I suppose it does in its own odd sort of way, granted most situations a guard would deal with wouldn't be sexual in nature but still.


Why does this have the rating ratio it does? That was hilarious!

6811104 Most of those downvotes came when I posted the first chapter actually.

6811108 Huh, well, I hope more people find it. This deserves more than what it has already.

This whole thing is stupid. I was expecting comedy of the sort, but instead rewarded with horrible dialogue and errors. The questions in the interview seemed way to forced in, like it was supposed to be some filler. There are too many run on sentences.

Overall instead of feeling entertained with Shining's humiliation I felt like I've wasted my time.

Also I want to add the Shining didn't seem at all nervous when asked such personal questions, or at least nervous enough as the title pic and description gives off as.

6811096 If guards are like police, then they MIGHT have to deal with sexual situations, such as rape and prostitution (unless that's legal in Equestria). :pinkiehappy:


I am a purveyor of dank memes, and there's plenty more where that came from.

6811187 In my imagining of Equestria prostitution is legal, but highly controversial and of course rape is illegal. I imagine the guards have a mix of law enforcement traits via the "militia" system in early American history before most cities had police departments and a traditional military force with some major cities like Manehattan having something closer to the equivalent of modern police.

6811152 He seemed fairly humiliated to me at least at the beginning, granted it ended a bit different than I originally planned but I never intended the embarrassment he felt at this to be so completely and thoroughly humiliating that it scars him for life. Most of the humor that I went for is in just how absurd the situation is with any humiliation felt or expressed being an extension of that. I can see some situations where seeing that you are not the only who is nervous making you feel a bit better and other cases where it may have the opposite effect. For most of the story he answered because he felt obligated to answer with him sort of making peace with it but still not liking it and then embracing it later.

6818389 I am glad you liked it, it did go deeper than I originally intended. This was originally going to be a one shot actually, but I though why not show a bit of the interviewers points of view as well? Despite having to keep up appearances I will bet that asking such a question to someone even after many years can probably still be awkward. I have never been a cop or in the military but as someone who has been in the grocery business for 8 years there are a lot of situations that have that made me very uncomfortable in which I have had to put up a sort of persona in front of customers, some of whom were a tad unpleasant. I could relate to Night Light's position somewhat, as well as Shining Armor's.

Ridiculously silly, but funny and enjoyable. Couple of niggling grammar issues here and there, but nothing that detracts. :twilightsmile:

I liked the special armor bit. All in all a very funny story. I feel the ending chapter was unnecessary though.

"Cadet Shining Armor, Do you masturbate?"

Shining looked momentarily dumbstruck before answering.

"Do I masturbate? Of course not."

An uneasy silence filled the room as looks of disappointment spread from pony to pony.

"Cadet Armor, am I to understand that you, do not masturbate?"

"Of course I don't," Shining laughed. "Do you have any idea who my marefriend is? Between sex three times a day minimum and her 'blowjobs make the best breakfast' policy, I can barely keep up!"

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