Do You Masturbate?

by EarthbendingProdigy

Why do I have to ask him that?

Author's Note:

This story was inspired by a conversation I had on mlp forums where a user named Floor Tom revealed that he had to answer this very question when he was applying to become a cop. This chapter is the setup and the next one will be the punchline so to speak. This story won't contain any explicit depictions of sexual activity, but will have a lot of innuendo.

Captain Night Light as usual was busy; various papers and ink flying across was a common sight in Captain Night Light's office, especially at this time of year. The time of year, when seniors at the guard academy were getting ready to graduate, a time he both loved and hated at the same time. Night Light usually didn't mind paperwork and, but there was so much paperwork during this time of year that it drove even a master organizer like Night Light a bit stir crazy.

"Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, why does there have to be so much damned paperwork?" Night Light sighed in frustration, as he went through the seemingly endless stacks of papers in front of him; paying only as much attention as was necessary, until he saw a familiar face on one of them.

"Cadet Shining Armor, born in Canterlot, Equestria to mother Twilight Velvet, and father Night Light..."

At that moment Night Light felt as if everything stopped, he could swear he could hear his own heartbeat, and the usually quiet ticking of the clock behind him seemed as if it was getting louder by the minute. Night Light opened up his desk drawer, and pulled out a bottle of liquor and a shot glass. He preferred to save his "liquid courage" until later in the process but this year was going to be one of those exceptions. Just as he began to pour himself a second drink he heard a knock at the door.

"This is Captain Night Light, state your business."

"This is Commandant Swift Sword, may I speak with you a moment captain?"

"Yes, come in."

As Commandant Swift Sword came in he saw the bottle and shot glass shook his head and said.

"Dude, I can't believe you are already drinking on the first day of applications. What happened to Mr. pencil pusher, who often told his cadets that a 'disorganized pony will lead a disorganized life?'" Swift Sword jokingly said as he made a poor impression of the captain.

Night Light simply looked at Swift Sword and sighed, he knew he was right that it wasn't a good idea to already be drinking and that he wasn't entirely himself, but he didn't know what to say.

"I have some good news for you, Shining Armor has passed all his standardized exams with flying colors and only has his final interview before graduating and being accepted as a full guard." Commandant Swift Sword smiled.

"Yes, I know, but it is the interview I am worried about, you are his uncle so you know how shy and reserved Shining is about sex ." Night Light whispered the last word almost as if it were some forbidden incantation.

"It is true he was and still is, but he has started to open up a bit since he started dating Princess Cadence." Swift Sword reminded Night Light.

"Letting your gorgeous marefriend service you, is a bit different than answering embarrassing questions in front of family and strangers at the same time." Night Light said as memories of walking in on them came flooding back to his mind.

"She already gave him a BJ?" Swift Sword asked as he flashed a perverted smile.

Night Light angrily glared at Swift Sword, making it very clear that he wanted the conversation to end.

"Okay, listen you have done enough for today and Velvet will probably want you home soon for dinner. Just call it a day, sleep on it, and everything will be fine." Swift Sword said trying to make him feel better.

"I suppose you are right." Night Light agreed as he looked up at the clock.

"Your son, my nephew will do fine, but you won't if you don't get home to Velvet. Nobody, but my big sis could give me a scar like this." Swift Sword joked as he pointed to this large scar on his forehead.

"You got that from a training accident you big bullshitter, but thanks. I still feel nervous but at least a bit better I mean I am going to be asking about my son's masturbation habits for the love of Celestia." Night Light said with slight exasperation and disbelief.

"Yes, but it is an important test we all went through." Swift Sword reminded him.

"I know, it doesn't make it any less bizarre, but anyway I will see you later." Night Light sighed as he tried to at least for a little while forget the unpleasant task that awaited him.

Night Light usually took one drink before leaving as part of his closing time ritual, but decided it was best to simply put it away. Night Light may have been a pony of habit, but he made sure as best he could that was a pony of good habits rather than bad ones. After the whiskey was back in its cabinet and the papers in their place he locked up, gave his keys to the night guard captain and made his way home.

"I wonder what is for dinner?" Night Light kept wondering as he walked home.

As Night Light walked into his house he saw his loving wife and his two children waiting for him and the unmistakable smell of pizza.

"Honey you didn't tell me you were ordering a pizza tonight, I would have brought something home if I would have known." Night Light said as he kissed his wife on the cheek and sat down.

"Yay, daddy is home now we can eat." Twilight said as she bounced up and down excitedly.

"I got this for Shining for his upcoming graduation, he worked so hard and it is his favorite." Twilight Velvet grinned with pride.

"Yes, he just has one more interview before..." Night Light reminded them.

"I do, but I will ace it no problem." Shining Armor interrupted as he placed a large slice of pizza on his plate.

As much as Night Light enjoyed the celebration and his sons confidence, none of it made him feel better. Of course for now all he could was fulfill his duty as captain and hope for the best. He wished he could tell his son, what the test entailed and why it was deemed so important or at least give him a hint; but such a thing was considered a serious breach of protocol. He simply took part in the celebration, however pre mature he saw it as, trying as best as he could to hide the nervous tension going on in his mind. It took him 3 tries to pass this interview, to answer the dreaded question and he was now the captain, so perhaps his son taking more than one try wouldn't be the end of the world. It was a thought that would help him through these next few days as he went through more applications and eagerly, yet nervously anticipated the interview.

Comments

[StaticSmile42]

This a great concept! The first chapter is a little short, it probably would have worked better if this was a one-shot, with everything posted at once, so we don't have to wait for the payoff. However, I understand how demanding writing can be, so no biggie.

That being said I eagerly await the hilarity that will no doubt ensue in the following update (or updates?).

[Inazuma]

Only you would do this.

[EarthbendingProdigy]

6755673 I don't know about that I have seen stories that are much stranger than this, though another idea I will soon implement involving toilet humor is ALOT more messed up than this, way too much to keep it to a teen rating.

6755668 Since the semester and finals are over, it should hopefully not take long. My hours went up as work as always happens during a holiday, but not as much as they did for Thanksgiving.

[Inazuma]

6756062 I know so have I. But it still feels like you have the monopoly when it comes to this sort of thing.

[Zeyon The Green]

I'm not sure why anyone would need to question your masturbatory habits. To be a cop or in the military, in real life or fiction.

[EarthbendingProdigy]

6756169 I know it is a bit weird, but I think it is because it is weird that makes the idea hilarious. The reason given to the person in question and the reason in this fic which will be revealed in chapter 2 will be

it is a psychological test to see how the candidate reacts to awkward and uncomfortable situations. The reason for this is police or in this case guard may deal with various awkward situations that may make them uncomfortable and some of these may be bizarre and unexpected. It also is meant to test honesty as it is assumed most of them do in fact masturbate and that most of them who say they don't are probably lying and would likely lie about other things as well.

[dreamingnoctis]

I look forward to reading more. This premise is hilarious!