• Published 30th Dec 2015
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It's A Screwed Up Life - Autum Breeze



Life can become very confusing when you go from working in a factory to waking up as a pony with Choas Magic. Wait. Did I say confusing? I meant FUN!

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Pretty Pink Ponies Pranking Ponyville... trying saying that five times fast

Pretty Pink Ponies Pranking Ponyville... trying saying that five times fast


___________________________________________________________

I trot into the bakery, still fuming. I can’t believe that mare! I just... URG!

She actually did it. She actually went to Twilight to convince her to turn me to stone, just because she couldn’t control me like she does Tiara.

If I didn’t want to risk seriously disrupting Equestria’s timeline and maybe cause Tiara to remain acting as she is and leave the CMC Cutie Markless, and if I wasn’t against the idea of murder, I would have put Spoiled through so much pain before killing her it would go down in history!

“Hi, there, Pouty McPoutersin,” a cheery voice practically shouts at me as I move to sit at one of the booths.

Pushing my anger at Spoiled aside, I turn and smile at a pink mare, with a slightly darker pink and curly mane and tail, big blue eyes and a trio of balloons for a Cutie Mark.

“Hey, Pinkie Pie,” I say, looking up at the energetic mare. “I’ll have a lemon slice and a chocolate milkshake.”

She nods, before zipping into the kitchen. I’ve barely taken my seat when she comes back, the lemon slice and milkshake on a tray balanced on her head.

I levitate the items of the tray and set them down in front of me, before teleporting four bits over to her.

She nods, taking the money and zips over to the cash register, puts the money in, then returns to the kitchen.

“So, what kinda cake do you want for your Welcome to Ponyville Party?”

“YAH!” I cry, leaping into the air and clinging to the ceiling.

Pinkie is sitting right next to where I was. Okay, I may be a being of chaos, but how the hell did she do that? She went into the kitchen for crying out loud!

“Ooh! I can do this too.” I blink and look ahead of myself only to see the pink mare standing in front of me, suction cups, like the kind she used back in Baby Cakes, to stay up. “But I gotta use these. How’re you doing that without them? You’re not a Pegasus like Pound Cake.”

I sigh, before teleporting back to my seat... and I don’t even bother to question how she’s sitting next to me when I do.

Shaking it off, I turn to her and smile. “I’m Screwball.”

“I’m Pinkie Pie,” she replies, giving a wide smile.

I roll my eyes, smiling. “I know, Pinkie. Anyway, in answer to your question... I’ll have a cheesecake.”

She nods, before giving me a good hard look. “So, when’d you get here?”

I smirk. “Technically, I’ve physically been in Ponyville for about nine years. I only gained the ability to move around yesterday and—”

“WHAT?!”

I literally jump through the roof due to her shout taking me off guard. It doesn’t stop her somehow grabbing me and pulling us face to face.

“You’ve been here for nine years and I haven’t given you a Welcome Party yet?!”

“Well, I was in the hospital in a kinda coma...” I weakly try to state. How did I lose control of the situation so quickly again?

She shakes her head, her eyes narrowed. “Now I’ll have to make up for being SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO late!”

And... she was gone.

After taking several minutes to recover, I quickly finish my food and drink and hightail it out of there.

As I leave Sugarcube Corner, I look in the direction of the library and my expression sours. Spoiled Bitch is still over there, clearly trying to convince Twilight and Rainbow Dash that I’m a threat to Equestria, when I’m really just a threat to her rep, which I couldn’t give a shit about and, by the unicorn and Pegasus’ expressions, neither do they.

I turn, floating up and head off further into town. I wanna explore a bit before Spoiled somehow brings the Royal Guard it. I know she will. I don’t know how she’ll do it, but she will and then they’ll all question just why they have to arrest a little innocent filly for crimes equal to what Discord has done.

Yeah, I don’t see that working in her favour.


As I spot Carousel Boutique a little way ahead, I feel a foreleg wrap around my shoulder, causing me to jump, before I notice the colour.

“Wanna have some fun?” Pinkie asks as we move through the town.

I roll my eyes. Asking her about shouldn’t she be working on the party would probably be answered with “I am” or some other answer that only Pinkie could make sound both impossible and believable at the same time.

Just then I spot two particular fillies at a cafe and a wicked little smile comes to my lips. I suppose I could indulge Pinkie for a little while.

___________________________________________________________

“It’s ridiculous, Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara declares angrily, stomping a hoof on the table. “How could I have a sister all this time and not know about it? And how can my sister be so... so...?”

Silver Spoon just nods. Diamond liked how Silver could always get her meanings without her having to spell it out for her.

“Chocolate milkshakes, on the house, young misses,” a unicorn mare with a brown coat and two Xs for a Cutie Mark says, levitating two glasses onto the table.

Both blink, before Diamond closes her eyes, smirking. Yes. Of course she’d get drinks on the house. She was a very important pony, after all. Mother was right. If you show your superiority, others will treat you better.

Both fillies nod to each other, before taking a few sips.

Tiara blinks, before drinking more eagerly. Something about this milkshake tasted better than any she’d had before. Had the pony that made done something more to it because she was so important?

She almost shook her head at that foolish question. Of course they did. She was better than them, after all. Why give the same stuff they sold to the common folk to a pony of her importance.

By the time she was a quarter of the way done, however, she felt her bowels tell her she needed the toilet, badly.

She moved to remove her lips from the straw and head for a bathroom, but, for some reason found she couldn’t; it was like her lips were attached to the straw. What was worse, she found she couldn’t stop herself from drinking, and, with each gulp of the milkshake, her need to pee became even greater.

Looking up frantically at Silver Spoon for help, she saw the grey filly seemed to be suffering from a similar affliction, if her wide eyes and frantic attempts to pull back were any indication.

On and on, Diamond found herself drinking, her bladder becoming more and more painful as the milk level in the glass went down.

After several minutes, the glass was finally empty. Diamond found her lips came right of the straw the moment the last drop of milk was gone.

She screamed as she ran for the nearest toilet, racing to reach there before her bladder blew or she peed in the streets. Her mother would never let her live it down if she did something so humiliating in public.

A cry growing louder told her Silver Spoon had finished her own drink and was following her to find relief, but she put that out of her mind, determined to reach the nearest bathroom.

Sugarcube Corner loomed ahead and Diamond ran with all her might, barging through the front doors, ignoring the voices of those she’d startled and bolted for the toilets in the back.

She rushed through the pink doors and into one of the stalls.

She cried out in relief as her bowels emptied, the sound of her peeing falling into the toilet reminding her of the calming Neighagara Falls.

Seconds later she heard another relieved cry from the cubical next to her and guessed it was Silver Spoon.

As Diamond relaxed, she eeped as she felt herself doing more than just peeing as she felt something plop out her ass.

She blushed hard, glad nopony could see her. When had she needed to do a number two?

After half a minute, Diamond sighed with relief as she finished her business. Flushing the toilet and exited to the stall, moving over to the sink to was her hooves.

However, as she turned on the tap, she felt her bowels tighten again and her face blanched. She needed to go again, already?

She didn’t ponder it long, for her bowels gave a warning quake and she ran back to the stall she’d used prior, flopped onto the seat and let lose.

A wail and running hoofsteps told her something similar had happened to Silver Spoon.

What’s wrong with me?! Diamond screamed in her mind.


At the same time, two pink ponies were hanging outside the bathroom, giggling as the smaller hide a bottle of Celestial Strength Laxatives in the older’s mane.

They both listened to the sounds of the two fillies moaning as their bowels tried to empty, before heading out the doors of the bakery, leaving everypony who’d been watching wondering just what was going on.

___________________________________________________________

Rainbow Dash huffed as she flew through the sky. The nerve of that mare. Telling them to turn a little filly, her own daughter, to stone just for not following a few rules and trying to be herself?

Dash couldn’t believe the lack of family loyalty Spoiled Rich had for her own daughter. She hoped it wasn’t the same with her other daughter.

The fact that Diamond Tiara even had a sister was news to the rainbow-maned mare. She’d lived in Ponyville for a long time and had never heard anything of the Richs having a second daughter, only the one.

From what little the mare had actually said aside from them needing to turn the filly to stone (which was a good 95% of the conversation they’d had after the filly left for Sugarcube Corner), the young filly had been in hospital since birth and, only recently, had been able to leave.

Dash wasn’t too knowledgeable about the details, that was Twilight’s area of expertise, but it was odd how the filly’s recover coincided with Discord’s defeat.

The idea that Discord had made her a monster was ridiculous though. She hadn’t raced like a monster. She’d raced like a racer, which Dash admired about the little pony.

Yeah, the fact she could somehow fly and was able to make that magical window appear when she was neither a Pegasus nor unicorn was weird, but maybe Discord had done something that was permanent to the little one. She had said something about Discord changing her. Maybe the Elements’ power hadn’t gotten to her, so she was stuck with whatever changes he’d done. Spiral pupils weren’t normal, after all.

Though, it didn’t seem whatever he’d done was going to harm the filly long term, so it should be alright.

As Dash flew over the park, her keen Pegasus eyes spotted something sitting on one of the park benches. Namely, a plack with her name on it.

Curious, she flew down and read it more clearly.

4 U Rainbow Dash. Drink as much as you can.

Cautiously, she lifted up the plague, only for her eyes to lighten up. It was a mug of cider.

Taking it, she could feel through the mug it was perfectly temperature. Sniffing, she could smell the scent of apples, cinnamon and several other wonderful spices, making her mouth water.

Lifting the mug to her lips, she took a deep sip... only to get nothing.

Blinking, she held it up completely, intent to try chugging it... but nothing came out.

She pulled her lips away, confused. She could feel the cider in the mug and it against her lips when she put it to her mouth, but nothing was coming out.

“Wh... what is this?” she asked, her voice squeaking as she, hesitantly for a test, held the mug out and tipped it upside down. Nothing came out, even though there was clearly cider inside.

Suddenly, she felt weight shifting and quickly lifted the mug to her lips and took a deep sip... only to be sucking on wood.

“Why?” she asked, falling to her hind legs and holding her forelegs up to the sky. “WHY? What cruel being could do something so horrible?!”


A little away, two pink ponies were struggling to hold in their laughter as they rolled on the ground, their hooves over their mouths.

___________________________________________________________

Rarity was busy finishing a dress she’d been working on before Discord had caused all his chaos.

It was a lovely sequin frock with lace trimmings... all of which she was having to redo. The monster had dared to make it look like a barnyard bargain with plaid patterns and orange and brown sequins melded with purple highlights.

It had almost caused her to faint at the sight of it, let alone all the hours of work now wasted thanks to that chaotic beast’s meddling.

As she was finishing the latest of the complex appliqué to her design, when there was a knock on her door.

“Come in,” she called in a sing-song voice. “I’ll be with you in a minute.”

There was another knock.

Rarity frowned, glancing over her shoulder, before clearly her throat. “I said, you may come in and I’ll be with you in a moment,” she called, a touch of annoyance entering her voice.

Again, the knocks came, more incessantly this time.

“Well, really,” the unicorn huffed, setting all her things down and walking out the back room, into the front of her shop and opening the door, demanding, “And just why could you not come in and be patient?”

She regretted the words as they left her mouth, for a very confused and startled Fluttershy was standing on the other side of the door.

“Oh, dear, Fluttershy. I... I’m so sorry,” she said, trying to comfort her friend, who’s eyes were looking around in worry. “I didn’t mean to snap at you, darling. But, whatever it is that’s bothering you, could you not have come inside and simply waited for me to have a free moment? It is quite unlike you to knock so impatiently on my door like that.”

“Um, well, uh, you see,” the timid Pegasus said, heading half her face behind her mane. “I, um... I don’t really... know how I got here, or who was knocking on your door, Rarity.”

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. “Truly?”

Fluttershy nodded. “I was helping Fuzzy Legs with a small dispute between him and another spider that watched to put their web where his was and then I suddenly found myself out her and saw... um... oh my.”

Rarity frowned. “Saw what, darling?”

“Um... it’s probably better you don’t see,” Fluttershy mumbled, but it was for naught when a southern accented voice called out.

“Hoowee, Rarity! What in the hay happened t’ yer shop?”

Frowning, Rarity moved passed Fluttershy and saw Applejack standing a little up the path, clearly headed to the market if the cart strapped to her back was any indication and turned to see what the farm pony was looking at... only for her jaw to drop.

The outer design of the Carousel Boutique was completely covered in plaid.

“I, but... how did... and it... when did...uhh?” Rarity’s eyes rolled into the back of her head before she collapsed on the ground at the farm pony’s hooves.

Had either Applejack or Fluttershy been paying attention to anything aside their recently rendered unconscious friend, they would have noticed the sound of giggling and snorting laughter from some nearby bushes.

___________________________________________________________

Twilight sighed as she slumped on a cushion in her library’s living room. The day had been exhausting... and it was still just the afternoon.

“This is serious, Twilight!”

The unicorn looked blearily up at the frantic and sorrowful tone of the cyan Pegasus.

Rainbow Dash had arrived about an hour ago, crying about a haunted cider mug, that held cider but could not be drunk from.

Though skeptical at first, Twilight had examined the mug herself and found Dash was right. it wasn’t one of those gags mug that look like they have a liquid in it, cider in this case, but turn out to be really empty. Her tests had confirmed there really was cider in this mug, but it could not be drunk.

She had spent the next hour trying to figure out just how such an impossibility to science could exist... and had come up with nothing. There were no logical findings as to how the mug Dash brought was holding genuine cider, yet would not yield a single drop from within.

Still, it wasn’t nearly as serious as Dash was making it out to be. True, the way this could possibly happen was important to know, but it wasn’t like it was imminent Equestria learn how a mug could hold cider, yet never relinquish a drop.

“Oh, um, is this a bad time?”

Twilight looked up and Dash around to find Fluttershy standing in the doorway, looking uncertain.

“What is it, Fluttershy?” Twilight asked weakly, sluggishly standing up.

“Oh, I can see you’re busy,” the butter-yellow pony said, taking a few steps back. “I’ll come back later.”

“No, it’s alright, Fluttershy.” Twilight stretched her legs to get any stiffness out and smiled at her friend. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, um, well, it’s about Rarity’s house,” the Pegasus murmured, looking down.

Dash rolled her eyes. “Let me guess, she found a stain on her floor and now need the Royal Guard to come and save her from it.”

“It’s... a bit more than a stain,” the Pegasus replied, not meeting their eyes.


“What in Celestia?!” Dash gaped as she and Twilight stood in front of the Plaid Boutique several minutes later.

Twilight just couldn’t understand this. First Rainbow Dash finds a mug of cider that can’t be drunk from and now Rarity’s whole outer boutique is covered in plaid.

“We need answers,” Twilight frowned, turning and heading for her library. “Maybe the princess will have an idea.”


Moments later they were all crowded in Twilight living room, Rarity, who was still out cold from seeing her boutique in such a state, was laying on the couch, with Fluttershy holding her hoof, trying to coerce her back to wakefulness, as Twilight turned to Spike, who had a quill and scroll, feverishly writing down what Twilight had told him.

“Twilight Sparkle,” he said, finishing off. “Okay, ready.”

“Then send it,” Twilight said, to which Spike nodded and blew on the parchment, setting it alight and off to Princess Celestia.

“Ah hope the princess can figure out what’s goin’ on,” Applejack said, glancing over at Rarity. “Ya don’ think Discord got out again, do ya? Ah can’t think o’ anypony else who could make a mug o’ cider ya can’t drink and paint Rarity’s house plaid in a second.”

“Huh,” Twilight frowned.

“What is it, Twi?” Dash asked, noticing the thoughtful expression on the unicorn’s face.

“I dunno,” the lavender mare replied, shaking her head. “When AJ mentioned Discord, I felt like I’d forgotten something, but, for the life of me, I can’t remember what. Ya know?”

Dash frowned. “Huh. Now ya mention it, yeah. I feel like I’m forgetting something too.”

“Well, maybe when the princess replies we can—BURP!” Spike was cut off as he belched a scroll out of green flames.

Twilight took the scroll in her magic and read it... only to raise an eyebrow.

“What’s it say, Twi?” Applejack asked as the sounds of Rarity coming to could be heard from the couch.

Twilight cleared her throat.


Dear my most faithful student,

I do not understand why you sent me a blank piece of parchment. Was it an accident again, like when Spike had the hiccups and sent all those scrolls not intended for me by mistake?

Your mentor and friend,

Princess Celestia.


They all remained quiet, eyebrows raised in confusion as they processed what had just been read.

“What does she mean a blank piece of parchment?” Dash frowned. “We all saw Spike writing it. Hay, I even looked over his shoulder as he did it. There were words on that paper before he sent it.”

“Hmm,” Twilight turned to the inkpot Spike had used for the quill and gave it a quick scan. “Strange, this isn’t invisible ink. Why would the scroll have been blank when she got it?”

“Maybe the magic in my fire breath is weakening and the words didn’t get sent with the paper?” Spike suggested.

Twilight shook her head. “No, Spike. Your magic breath is because of the influx of magic I poured into you egg when I hatch you. It’s a part of you and shouldn’t ever be able to run out. Let’s try something else.”

She levitated another paper and wrote a quick “Are there words on this?” on there, before handing it over to Spike, who blew it away.

Moments later, a message returned, stating the same as before. Princess Celestia had received a blank page.

“What in tarnation’s goin’ on around here?” Applejack asked, taking of her Stetson and stretching her head.

A loud snort was heard from above and they all looked up at the chandelier-like like on the ceiling.

Before they could ask what was going on, a large pink mass dropped from it and fell to the floor, before bursting out into snorting laughter.

“Told you it’d work, Pinkie.”

They all looked up and Twilight and Dash saw a filly they recognized from earlier that morning.

___________________________________________________________

I float down like a leaf until I’ve touched the ground, Pinkie Pie still rolling on the floor laughing.

“Wait a minute,” Dash says, looking from Pinkie to me. “You two were behind all this?”

I roll my eyes. “Discord’s in stone. Who else could make a cider mug you can’t drink from or manage to make Rarity’s home plaid? Speaking of,” I wink, before grinning. “All fixed.”

Twilight blinks, before narrowing her eyes. “Wait. So... Spoiled Rich was right when she said Discord created you?”

BAAAAAA!

I smile as they all look around at the sound of the buzzer.

I shake my head. “Wrong, Twilight Sparkle.” I coil like a snake into the air, before returning to my normal shape floating above them all. “She give birth to me. Discord just gave my comatose body the ability to move. But, without my mind, this would still be a lifeless husk. Heck, you should all be glad. With the power I have, if I were still in the state he’d left me in, I’d be causing chaos without trying or knowing what I was doing.”

“Wait... what?” Applejack looks from me to Twilight, her expression very confused. “Twi, who in the hay is this and how is she floatin’? She’s an Earth Pony. And what’s this about Discord?”

I pat Applejack’s head, having just appeared on her back. “Don’t get your core in a crumble, AJ. I may be an Earth Pony, but I’m an Earth Pony with Chaos Magic. But, I’m a good pony.”

I spend the next few minutes using slideshows and puppets to describe to them what happened. By the end of it, they look like they understand... but are still confused.

“So... Filthy Rich has another daughter, who was in a coma since birth?” Applejack asks.

I nod, smiling. “Yep. Discord is really to thank for me coming out of it, as unintentional as it was. He meant to make me a creature of chaos that would just spread it without thought, but, in doing so, pulled me into this body. With me pulling the strings, you got nothin’ to worry about.”

“But... what about everything that happened today?” Dash asks, pointing outside. “You made a mug of cider that doesn’t let you drink from it, then gave it to me.”

I shrug. “That was Pinkie’s idea. She thought it was a good prank and, considering how you reacted,” I snicker, trying not to laugh, “I gotta agree with her. Oh, and, here, to make up for it.”

As I finish speaking, the mug of cider flies over to Dash, a little spilling out due to the momentum.

At once, Dash grabs it and chugs it down. When she finishes she pulls back, letting out a breath, before a goofy, contented open-mouthed, tongue-hanging out smile crosses her face.

“Is there anythin’ else we should be worried about?” AJ frowns at me. “Anymore of you two’s pranks lurking about?”

“Well...” I say, looking up innocently, a halo appearing above my head.

Twilight facehoofs. “Why do I get the feeling this isn’t going to end well?”

___________________________________________________________

“I’m telling you, dear, she’s a monster! We have to do something!” Spoiled shouts at her husband as he sits in his chair, reading the paper. “Did you not hear all the chaos she sowed today? The town was falling apart.”

The “falling apart” as in description of how everypony would somehow find themselves slipping on banana peels that weren’t there a moment ago and crashing into giant pies, normal pies flying from nowhere or from presents. Ponies rolling around on the ground trying to scratch themselves due to itching powder. She made it sound like a nightmare made real.

“They were just harmless pranks, dear,” the brown stallion chuckles as he turns the page of his paper. “It’s all in good fun and nopony really got hurt. Why, it’s only a little more than what Miss Pie and Miss Dash put the town through regularly.”

Harmless pranks?!” Spoiled growls, stomping a hoof. “Diamond and that friend of hers, Silver Spoon are in hospital after getting their stomachs pumped to remove all the laxatives inside them and staying overnight to be monitored. You call that harmless?”

“Wow,” I snicker, from where I’m watching on the stairs, completely unnoticed. “Who’da thought the mare that brought me into this world had such a bad sense of humor? Oh, yeah. Amy Keating Rogers.”

Dad sighs, looking to his wife. “Dear, she’s just settling in. She's been in a coma for all her life and only now able to move around freely. Add the Chaos Magic Discord put into her and it's a wonder she's being so well behaved. I’m sure she won’t do this all the time.”

True, today was really just to get Pinkie to like me and show I can have fun and really give a test of what i can do. I don’t plan on pranking everypony every day. Spoiled, on the other hoof...

“Well, I’m not having a foal associated with our family seen as a rambunctious ragamuffin,” I can’t help snickering. Did she seriously just say “ragamuffin” as an insult? Who does that these days? “Tomorrow she will begin personal lessons with me and learn to be a proper mare, just like her sister.”

I snort. Yeah. Good luck with that, Spoiled. You’ll need it.

Seeing this isn’t going anywhere amusing anymore, I pop back into my room, to find Randolph standing by my bed with a glass of chocolate milk.

I levitate it over and gulp I down, licking my lips. “Thanks, Randolph.”

He nods, smiling at me, before leaving the room.

I yawn, before leaping onto my bed and falling asleep almost immediately. All that pranking with Pinkie really took it out of me.

Author's Note:

It has become clear to me i can't write a good prank chapter. I feel this really sucked, let me know how much.

I promise i'll do my best to make the next chapter much better



Well, Twilight and the others now know about Screwball. Will Twilight tell Celestia about this new development? Um, did Larson make Twilight an Alicorn? Of course she's gonna tell the princess!

Next chapter, screwy meets with a certain trio of ponies. This can't possibly go wrong.

we'll also be moving into episode connected chapters now

And thanks to everyone for their prank suggestions. just sorry i didn't have the drive to figure out how to write them all in entertainingly enough.

Hope you liked this chapter (even if i think it's crap and have no doubt you do too) and, til next time, later everypony

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