I Been Screwed
It’s A Screwed Up Life
I Been Screwed
___________________________________________________________
I sigh, slumping forward on the table as the sounds of the factory continue around me.
Today has been kinda boring work wise. I, along with a lot of other co-workers, had one job earlier today, but that was finished an hour before lunch break and we haven't been given anything else to do after that. For all the time since then, we’ve been doing nothing, which just means the day is moving slower us I’m doing nothing and can’t think of anything to distract myself until the next job comes in.
Like a dumbass, I didn’t even bring my Past Sins book, because I didn’t think I’d get time to read it today. Shows how much I know.
If I at least had it with me I could read it and pass this time of nothing, so the day could be over and I can get to my days off! With December only five days away, I’m really looking forward to summer finally starting up.
Plus, this weekend is episode twenty-four of mlp season five. I’ve been curious about it, since it will be right before the finale and am wondering what, if anything, it might connect to the finale.
I sigh, leaning my head on my upturned palm. Man, I’d give anything for something to happen.
Ba-bump!
I blink, before shuddering.
I sit up, looking around in confusion. What the heck was that feeling? It was.... unease? Why?
I look around, frowning, before I wince, feeling a pain through my head.
Suddenly the world feels like it whirls around, before I see mountains that are checked, pink clouds and flying pigs.
I can only guess this is what a person high on drugs would feel like, but I know I wasn’t on drugs before whatever the hell happened happened.
Before I can really wrap my head around this WTF moment I’m going through, a bright light explodes forward, blinding me, before I feel something slam into me and I black out.
___________________________________________________________
I groan as conciseness returns. I can feel I’m lying on soft grass.
I shift, trying to sit up, but find I can’t like a human should be able to, so I just sit like a dog, rubbing my forehead.
What the heck just happened? One second I’m a work, bored out of my mind and the next I’m in what looks like what a person on an acid trip would be seeing and something slams into my chest and I wake up lying on grass?
I shake my head, before frowning as my hair flicks me in the face a bit. When did my hair get so long? It was just cut last weekend. How could it be so long that it flicks me in the face when I shake my head now?
I open my eyes and turn my head. I’m in a small clearing, surrounded by trees.
I cock an eyebrow. Through my groggy state, I can tell my brain is trying to tell me something’s up... but I’m too out of it right now to figure out what.
Jeez, is this what it feels like to wake up with a hangover? I’ve never gotten drunk, so I’ve no clue. If this is how it feels though, I might just stay away from alcohol in the future, and I’ve not really gone near it in over three years.
“Ow...” I mumble, lowering my head. “Could this pain in my head puh-lease just go away?!”
I blink as, suddenly, it’s gone.
“Wow,” I shake my head. “All I had to do was ask? If I’d know... that... sooner...” I frown. “What the heck’s up with my voice?”
I sound... like a girl. Huh?
As I try to figure this out, I realize something else. I can’t feel my fingers.
Quickly looking down, my eyes widen at what I see. Pink fur-covered hooves.
Okay. That is a worrying sign, considering the amount of MLP fanfics I’ve read, or good, depending on your feelings at the time. Right now, I’m panicking.
I look around and realize, just looking at the trees around me, I’m in the Everfree Forest.
Aw, crap. Okay. No big deal. As long as you’re either a Pegasus, unicorn or Alicorn, you’ll be fine...
My gut drops and my rage flares as I realize I feel no wings or horn on connected to my body. Also, looking down, I can see no sign of manhood.
“Oh, well, this is just brilliant!” I growl sarcastically, glaring up at the sky. “So, I wind up in Equestria, as a pony and I end up an Earth Pony?! Come on!” Looking down at my new coat, my scowl deepens. “And, judging by the fur colour and what I can see of my hair, I’m Diamond Tiara... expect, this isn’t Diamond Tiara’s voice.”
But, if I’ve turned into a pink Earth Pony filly with a purple and white mane and I’m not the always-thought-to-be-a-bitch-but-it-turned-out-she-only-acted-that-way-because-of-her-mother filly, then who am I?
I know I recognize the voice for some reason, but I can’t peg who I’ve turned into.
Before I can really think very far about it though, a horrible odor reaches my now far more sensitive nose and I clamp my hooves over it, grimacing.
Ugh. It smells like somebody left a corpse out in the sun for ages and ages and ages and then covered it in vinegar and set it on fire. Bleah!
And don’t ask me how the hell I know what that smells like, because even I don’t know how I know and it’s probably better I never ask.
As the smell gets stronger I open my eyes and they widen to see a Timber Wolf starting to slink out from the treeline, with another two right behind it.
Now, you would think, any sane-minded person, pony, whatever, would be terrified by this.
But, no. For whatever reason, despite my brain yelling I should be scared and start running for my life, I just get up on all four hooves and glare at the Timber Wolves.
“You wanna mess with me?!” I growl, my teeth pulled back into a snarl.
For a moment, this seems to confuse the living pieces of a wood with teeth, because they pause and glance at each other, before continuing to move closer, the other two moving around so that they’re circling me.
“Oh, you really chose a bad time to mess with this pony!” I snap, turning my head as I try and keep an eye on all three of them. “I’ve found myself in Equestria, which is something I really am glad about, I’m a pony, worrisome in some ways, but not in others, but I’m an EARTH PONY! I’ve no magic or anything like that and it’s really put me in a shit mood! So, you wanna come after me, fine! Bring it on you oversized wooden Chihuahuas!”
Suddenly, as all three leap at me, there’s a flash of yellow light. When it fades, I here three small yips accompany three thuds.
Glancing around, my eyes widen and an eyebrow raises in confusion. All three Timber Wolves have... shrunk to the size... of Chihuahuas?
They each look up at me, before glancing down at themselves, before scampering off, whimpering.
I just stand there, blinking as I try to understand just what the hell happened.
“Um... I call them Chihuahuas and they... shrink to the size of Chihuahuas?”
Huh. Why does that sound familiar?
“What is this I do see? A young filly wandering around alone in the Everfree?”
I turn at the sound of that voice and rhyme to see a grey and black striped equine with a Mohawk-like mane style.
I grin. “Zecora? Oh, phew. Well, at least somepony can get me out of here.”
The zebra walks over to me, an eyebrow raised in a curious expression. “Who are you, little one? Did you get lost whilst having fun?”
I frown. Come to think of it, just which pony have I turned into exactly? I’m not Diamond Tiara, despite having the same coat and mane colours. So, who could I be?
Glancing at my flank, hoping whomever I’ve turned into a least has their Cutie Mark to give me an idea of what to say next, my frown deepens a little.
A baseball and a screw?
I look up, cocking my head. Okay, I only know two ponies with screws in their Cuite Marks and one is Screwloose and, since my fur is not blue and Zecora seems a lot taller than me, I’m not her.
That leaves only one other option.
I blink as I just realize what I’ve figured out, before the largest grin spreads across my face.
“WA-HOO!” I shout, floating into the air and doing somersaults. “I’m Screwball?! Oh, yeah! Of all the Earth Ponies to turn into, she is definitely the one! Oh, yeah. Uh-huh! Go Screwball. Go Screwball. It’s yer birthday. It’s yer birthday!”
Whilst I’m doing my little moonwalk on air, Zecora just stares up at me with her mouth open. “How... how are you floating in the air, when wings like the pegasi you do not have a pair?”
I stop my little dance of joy over turning into probably the most fun pony I could’ve become and float down, hovering in front of the zebra.
I like her rhymes and all, but they’ll get old really fast if I hear her speak in nothing but them.
Hmm. I am Screwball and I have her powers, as clearly displayed by my airborne moonwalk, so, maybe I can work with that.
Okay. New rule. Regardless of what everypony else hears, I won’t always hear Zecora speak in rhyme.
“Is there a reason you keep looking at me like that?” said zebra asks, looking at me warily.
I smile and drop down onto my hooves again. “Nah. I’m good.” I blink. “Oh! That’s why my voice sounded familiar. I sound like the voice that girl... um... what was her name? Hmm. Hold on.”
I glance up at the sky as the search bar for google appears before my eyelids and I do a quick search.
“Ah. Right,” I say as the bar vanishes and my eyesight returns to normal, “the reason I recognized my voice is because it’s the Screwball voice Katie Patterson uses for her in Daughter of Discord. Makes sense, I guess. She’s the only real voice ever given to her, so the universe defaulted to her.”
“Um, okay?” Zecora says uncertainly. “Um... where are your family, little one? Would you like me to return you to them?”
Hmm. That... sorta sounded like a rhyme, but whatever.
However, as Zecora’s words process through my mind, a weight grips me. I’m in Equestria. Unless I find a way to return home I’ll never see my family again— wait a minute.
I facehoof. Hello. I’m Screwball. I have Chaos powers. I can just hope through the dimensional void and see them right now.
BAAAAAA!
I jump, shaking my head.
What the heck was that? The moment I tried crossing into my own world a loud sound, like the buzzer on a game show when you get a wrong answer blared in my ears.
I frown and try again.
BAAAAAA!
BAAAAAA!
BAAAAAA!
BAAAAAA!
BAAAAAA!
BAAAAAA!
Oh, come on! I mentally yell after seven whole tries. I’m Screwball, Princess of Chaos and I can’t even hop into another dimension? Let me guess, if I tried with that human version from Equestria Girls the same would happen, right?
No sooner have I thought this than the world around me spins and I find myself inside a small park.
Blinking, I look around and see humans with oddly coloured skin walking around.
I blanch, my body trying to register the return to a human body, but being overloaded. Okay. So, that did work. Now, can I get back to Equestria before something else happens?
Again, as soon as I’ve thought it, I’m back in the Everfree, with a very confused looking Zecora standing there, looking at me with wide eyes.
I pay her no mind, though, as I slump on the ground, the realization hitting me like a tons of bricks.
Something is stopping me from returning home. I can hop through dimensions fine, it would seem, but I can’t go home.
Mum... Dad... my siblings and— NO!
I stand up, glaring up at the sky. If I’m stuck as Screwball, a pony who can mess around with reality just like Discord, I am not having that fun tainted by my feelings of sorrow at losing contact with my human family.
Focusing, use my new magic to blot out the main part of my memories of my family, namely, what they looked like, their names and my feelings for them. I still cared about them, but now I wouldn’t feel any sadness over never seeing them again. Yeah, it sounds coldhearted, but I'm sure they'd understand. They wouldn't want me wallowing in grief when I can be having fun.
After several moments of clearly my mind, I sigh and smile, turning to the zebra.
“So, we going to your place or was your plan just to hang around here and see if any more Timber Wolves come by wanting to become as big as a Chihuahua?”
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Plot bunnies can be mean sometimes, you better let them out sometimes or you'll risk repeating that scene from Alien)
And congrats with story number 50!
Uh oh!
NO RHYME
orig00.deviantart.net/a7ba/f/2012/250/9/4/zecora_meme_by_nightshade424-d5dulcr.jpg
Should you really be cheering about having 50 stories when many of them have barely gone anywhere?
It is not my intention to nitpick or spoil your fun, but I thought I might point out a few things that bothered me...and generally I probably wouldn't even care if it weren't for the fact that's it tripping up my pacing as I read through the story.
I open my eyes and turn my head. I’m in a small {}>{clearing}<{}, surrounded by trees.
Before I can really think very far about it though, a horrible {}>{odor}<{} reaches my now far more sensitive nose and I clamp my hooves over it, grimacing. if it is an alternate spelling of the word to end with 'ure' I apologize. I've never seen it spelled that way before.
Clearly you've never tenderized or butchered red meat at a BBQ.
I find that I prefer the use of 'cause to cos, it just makes following the yellow brick road so much easier. It's a matter of preference in much the same way european english adds the extra u because they want to remind themselves that 'u are important.' And, ironically enough given the nature of the aforementioned statement, some snobs will still harp on Americans for being prideful.
I Princess Screwball dub the as my new favorite writer
Quite a few grammatical and spelling errors.
6815237
Who cares? This story is awesome!
6850576 for the record, it was only used that one time and most likely will never be mentioned again. Screwy just needed to use it that one time out of quick necessity
The mental images…
I´m happy about this story, and it has many chapters, so I´m not going to complain this time.
Also depending on which Equestria you ended up in...
I see why you got rid of Zecora's rhyming
At first I thought something was really wrong here. Then I remembered it's reversed in the southern hemisphere.
This chapter sounds like a really promising start though! (Since I am just getting started on reading this)
6852507
It's still to the detriment of the whole when it harms the willing suspension of disbelief and, as the author, you have the power to easily hand-wave him just knowing it. (eg. Maybe he was killing time by watching something else she did shortly before he wound up bored)
Wait....how the heck does he/she suddenly know how to use his/her powers? You'd think it would take a while to learn. It would actually make for a rather fun(ner) story if he/she did have to learn.
that makes me think of
Hello world.
Plot lines taking everything like a black hole.
Yes, Drug, the worst of all pharmaceuticals.
7566911 Take a hit of that stuff and you'll be a pony faster than you can comprehend the talking giraffe
So, a promising start! Some minor typos here and there, and a bit of a confusing style BUT, I guess, that it's kind of in character for Screwball so it's ok
The only worrying thing is his coldheartedness about losing his family... But maybe it will re-emerge? It might be a nice idea for a later chapter...
I'm definitely going to read this
7566911
This is your brain: vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/grimadventures/images/b/b8/Hector_Season1.png/revision/latest?cb=20121103193133
This is your brain on drug: derpicdn.net/img/2016/11/28/1305644/large.png
I have to be honest, I had no damn idea I'd find something like this ^ and that makes it so much funnier.
7982661 and this is also my brain
https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/11/28/1305644/large.png
So imagine my brain on drug
Too much telling. Not enough showing. It feels like the narrator is retelling a story that happened several years back. There's very little description, and the emotions just seem... bland. I kind of like the premise, but I couldn't help but get bored after the first few paragraphs. Make me care about the character. Don't just tell me what he does or feels. Show me. Show me why I should give a damn about his situation and motivations.
Hmm... I love this story, and especially the concept, but it could use some editing.
Would you like me to provide that service?
Either as suggestions in a Google Doc (if that is what you use) or just PMs. There's no way i would do it in the comment section.
This is only if you want it, and I won't be mad if you refuse. I just like to help that way.
Step one wipe memories, step two turn back into a male?
7456014
Because it's a displaced story and the protagonist is always op.
8406329
Exactly.
This first chapter was just really lazy.
One example; if you are going to write Zecora, make her rhyme. It's not difficult, the show writers do it all the time.
Unfortunately, this first chapter does not make me want to read more.
And seriously, the earth pony hate? Two words; super strength.
i.pinimg.com/originals/fc/16/9f/fc169f9a94ed250075fe4e657027b2a4.png
Fast paced but op.....ah why not, I’ll read.
That's racist... ponist?
... uh, I don't who would even know that smell hehe... you saw nothing.
8842776
Actually, he's(she's?) more worried about being able to find out where he(she?) is. A Pegasus could just fly up, a unicorn could cast a "four-point" spell (aka the magic compass), and an alicorn could do both. Earth Ponies can't do either one, and climbing a tree is a non-option.
I would have just locked up my memories in the back of my mind rather than erase them, just seems more logical, but hey that’s my opinion, good work.
9737900
Logic to a being pure chaos, really?
is it just me or, whenever a human is made into a pony, is the gender always swapped. I mean all authors and stories when I say this by the way. I get it makes the protagonist more panicked and is fun in the long run, but it also is a little weird.
9806336
From what we know the gender ratio is hella skewed in equestria, so statistically speaking, if the universe defaults you into an existing body, odds are that the body is female.
I'm very bored so I'm giving this a second reading
This should've come far FAR later, but props for using this. The last stage of grief is almost literally this.
Oooo now I wanna know where he is. He’s definitely in the Southern Hemisphere, and there’s a high likelihood that he lives somewhere where there is a notable difference in summer and winter (what I’m saying is that it may not have four seasons). I won’t really know bc I have a bad knowledge of the Southern Hemisphere since most of earth’s land mass is in the Northern hemisphere.
Ack, there's a lot of 'feels' here.
Ask Pinkie
Through that whole entire paragraph I just had Rainbow Dash doing her victory dance pop into my head