• Published 30th Dec 2015
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It's A Screwed Up Life - Autum Breeze



Life can become very confusing when you go from working in a factory to waking up as a pony with Choas Magic. Wait. Did I say confusing? I meant FUN!

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How can Ponies be so Smart and yet so STUPID at the same time?

How can Ponies be so Smart and yet so STUPID at the same time?

___________________________________________________________

“This way, Daring!” Screwball called, flying ahead of the two-toned grey-maned mare as they rushed through the Tenochtitlan Basin.

“Considering who you are and your abilities, Screwball, if you find it so urgent I come along with you, this cannot be good,” Daring called back, doing her best to keep up. “Especially since you told me to bring the Amulet of Culiacan.” She glances down at the golden key shaped amulet around her neck. “And I’m guessing you’ve taken that anthropomorphic form of yours because it’s combat abilities will be of use.”

It was still odd, even though she knew Screwball was the Princess of Chaos, to see her in a ponylike form with a body structure more like the creatures whom lived beyond Equestria’s outer most boarders.

They broke through the trees into a clearing and Screwball did what she often called a superhero landing, something she’d advised Daring against doing because it was hard on the knees, apparently.

“Okay, where do we start?” Daring asked, landing next to the anthro filly and scanning the area… before raising an eyebrow. “A clearing? Is there any significance to it? Is there where the amulet factors in?”

“Daring Do!”

At once, Daring went into a defensive stance as the massive form of Ahuizotl emerged from within the trees.

“Ahuizotl,” she snarled.

“And he is not alone,” a Neighxican accented male voice said from behind them, taking Daring by surprise,

Glancing behind, her eyes widened as a large alligator-like creature emerged from the trees. It was the one from the Temple of Chicomoztoc, the one that had chased after herself and Rainbow Dash when they’d had that Earth Pony who strangely matched Daring’s own colour palate.

She still needed to see if there was any distant relations between herself and that pony. You can’t just find too completely different ponies with that exact colour scheme and there not be some kind of connection.

Daring shook her head. Now wasn’t the time to ponder on possible family relations. They had two monsters to contend with.

A chuckle from her side caused Daring to look to Screwball… whom seemed oddly calm, given her urgency earlier.

“Are you guys gonna drop the act or not?” she asked, causing Daring to raise an eyebrow in confusion. “It’s gonna be hard enough clearing things up with Daring on the misunderstandings. Acting all tough and evil isn’t actually gonna help matters.”

Daring glanced between the two monsters to see them look at each other, before nodding and rubbing their necks… sheepishly? What?

“True,” Ahuizotl said, sighing. “And I would much rather gets this sorted out sooner, before anything else can go wrong.”

“Am I missing something here?” Daring looked between the filly to the two monsters. “Why are these two monsters here and why are you so calm when you seemed too anxious earlier, Screwball?”

“Woobaww!” cried a happy voice, the anthro filly being pounced on by a giant red… baby sphinx?

Wait. She knew that Sphinx. It was the one from Somnambula!

Screwball laughed, rubbing the baby’s face with her own, before glancing to Daring. “It’s something that surprised me, I’ll give you that, Daring.” She chuckled. “And surprising is by no means and easy feat, even if my knowledge stopped shortly before the end of season 5.”

Daring just stared blankly. “Huh?”

TWO DAYS AGO

I burst forth from the water, shaking my hair like a mermaid, before floating into the air, revealing such a being’s tail where my legs should be.

Shifting them into legs, I hop up onto the shore and shake myself like a dog.

Well, that was an interesting experience. Celestia, upon my showing her the hippogriff who’d been cured of Swamp Fever and he’d been given a clean bill of health from the castle’s top medical unicorn and Pegasus, had instructed me to bring him back to his people in a place called Mount Aris, well outside Equestria’s boarders.

When we’d arrived, however, it was to find the place completely abandoned, it looking like a fight had broken out.

We’d gone looking around and heard the sound of singing coming from a cave. The singing was a Seapony called Skystar. She was, in fact, the princess of the Seaponies.

I’d turned myself and the hippogriff into Seaponies, surprising Skystar and followed her down into a place called Seaquestria.

There, we found a whole race of ponies I’d never even heard about, though it made sense in the long term, as their ruler, Queen Novo, had brought them all down into Seaquestria permanently over a decade ago when Mount Aris had been attacked by giant flying ships.

They hadn’t known who’d attacked them, but guessed they’d been after an ancient treasure, a pearl that could transform any creature.

To keep it from falling into the wrong hands, Novo had transformed her entire people from Hippogriffs into Seaponies and they’d fled to Seaquestria, where the invaders couldn’t get to them, reminding there for all this time.

Novo had been shocked to see the hippogriff I’d brought, as he’d long since been declared dead, though she was more shocked by myself, as she knew she’d never seen a Seapony like myself before.

I’d explained my origins as best I could without giving away too much and we’d come to an understanding. Now, my mission complete, I just need to head back to Canterlot and inform Celestia.

Interestingly enough, the info she’d given me shows she’s completely unaware of the attack on Mount Aris or that the Seaponies have been in hiding all this time. She’d apparently just assumed Queen Novo had been too busy ruling her kingdom to keep in touch.

Cracking my neck, I prepare to snap my fingers for a teleport, when I sense something nearby and whirl around, only to be pounced upon by non-other than Daring Do’s mortal enemy.

“Finally, I’ve found you!” he says loudly, holding me in the hand at the end of his tail. “We have words with you, child of chaos.”

I sneer. “Oh, Auhi. You didn’t need to attack me. If you wan’ed a butt whooping,” there’s an outward burst of energy from my body, sending the beast flying and, upon landing, I go Super Saiyan Chaos, grinning, “all you had to do was ask.”

I charge forward, fist raised.

“WAIT!” he yells in a panic, putting his hands over his head.

I halt, inches from his face, an eyebrow raised. “Yes? I’m listening.”

“Perhaps it would have been wiser not to grab her like a villain capturing the villain, yes?” an accented voice I don’t recognize says and I turn around to see some kind of giant Alligator-like creature, more than twice the size of a pony, with golden spines on its back and wearing golden bands around the edges of its front legs.

“Woobaww?”

I blink. I know that voice.

“Woobaww!” yells an excited Fwinxie as she bounds out of the trees behind the gator creature, trampling over it in the process and pouncing on me, pulling me into a tight hug.

“Huh. So she is on good terms with the Guardian of Somnabula’s Temple?” I look over Fwinxie’s head to see Ahuizotl scratching his chin, a puzzled look on his face.

“Hopefully that shall make this easier to explain,” the gator says, walking over. “Screwball, Daughter of Discord and Princess of Chaos, we are three of the Guardian Creatures. Our job is to guard our specific areas of the world, keeping the ancient treasures of those lands safe and out of the use of those who would use them for ill.”

I glance at Ahuizotl, an eyebrow raised. “Yeah, you’ll forgive me if I find that a little hard to swallow. I mean, Fwinxie, I could buy that, but Ahui, here? Dude has literally tried to kill Daring Do almost as many times as there are books in her series.”

The two not baby creatures get puzzled expressions.

“Books?” Ahuizotl scratches his head. “What books?”

“I know you are a Princess of Chaos, but please try to talk some sense every once in a while,” the gator say, shaking his head.

“And how exactly am I supposed to believe you guys are telling the truth?” I ask, rubbing Fwinxie behind the ears. “I know I can trust Fwinxie, but you two?”

They both look to each other, before Ahuizotl reaches behind him a pulls out a golden amulet of some kind with a green gem in the centre, it glows, his irises glowing green. “This is the Truth Talisman of Tonatiuh, which cannot be reached without a Pegasus’ flight… unless, of course, you are the guardian of the temple, but I digress. I only removed it for this occasion.”

“And that helps me believe you’re being honest how?” I ask, though I do sense magic affecting him coming from the amulet.

He tosses it to me and I catch it. “It makes whomever is holding it tell the truth. Try to tell a lie, a very obvious one.”

I glance up, thinking for a moment, before smirking. I’ll say “I love Spoiled Rich with all my heart”. That’ll prove whether this thing works or not.

“I hate Spoiled Rich with all my heart,” I say, feeling energy flowing into me from the amulet. I blink, glancing down at it, before tossing it to the big guy. “Okay. I’m willing to listen.”

NOW

“After that, they explained to me a few things that I feel you should know, Daring, especially since you recently were in one of Caimán’s temples,” I say, indicating for Ahuizotl to speak as I rub Fwinxie’s belly.

“I have a name, you know,” Caimán says, giving me an annoyed look.

I nod. “I know. I just like calling you that. I mean, you’ve a Neighxican accent and you’re a gator. Come on. It fits fine.”

Daring looks to the being who had been her arch enemy for years as he stood up, the gator creature standing just behind him.

Ahuizotl takes a deep breath, before looking firmly at Daring. “Daring Do, we have been at each other throats for years, but only now do I understand why. You see me as a monster you need to protect ancient artefacts from, yes?”

She nods firmly… before cocking an eyebrow. “Aren’t you?”

He shakes his head, sighing. “I am the guardian of this jungle. If too many more artefacts go missing, I’ll be in so much trouble with the other Guardian Creatures. More than I am already, anyway.”

She cocks an eyebrow. “Other Guardian Creatures? Even considering you, that gator and baby sphinx there, you’re saying there are even more like you?”

I nod, now atop Fwinxe’s back and scratching behind her ears, making her purr with content. “They were too busy both when these guys confronted me and now to talk with you too. There’s a surprising number of them.”

“Then what about those eight hundred years of unrelenting sweltering heat you were trying to bring with the Ring of Destiny?” Daring gives Ahuizotl a sceptical look. “How is causing mass destruction from heat induced fires meant to be protecting the jungle, hmm?”

Ahuizotl blushes, looking away. “Ah… ha, yes. Um, well, that was partially for dramatic effect, an attempt to scare you off. It is true bringing all the rings together would bring eight hundred years on unrelenting heat… just not… that kind of heat.”

Daring cock an eyebrow in confusion. “Huh?”

“With an infant present, we shall not go into too much detail,” Caimán says, rubbing behind his neck. “But, we will say the jungle my fellow Guardian watches over was suffering from a… population decline, both in animals and the tribal ponies.”

Daring just look more confused. “How does that connect to creating eight hundred years of hea—Oh.” Her face goes bright red.

“Yeah,” Ahuizotl says, blushing too. “I wasn’t exactly willing to tell the real reason, so was hoping you’d get the wrong idea back then. Plus, with a Princess present, it felt awkward to say the true reason. I’d honestly thought she’d know the truth anyway, being a member of the Equestrian Royal Family.”

“You’d be surprised how little Celestia realizes she taught Twilight about the full scope of Equestria,” I sigh.

“Wait,” Daring gives a sceptical look at her old enemy. “If that baby sphinx is a guardian too, and the one of Somnabula, how come she never stood in my way during the events regarding Doomed Diadem when the Wild Bunch Gang went after it? And why was Ahuizotl’s evil plot to separate the Sister Crown Relics, risking the region to be cursed with eternal night, and the entire town of Somnambula being sunk into the ground, especially if that area is another Guardian Creature’s territory?”

Ahuizotl sighs, putting a hand over his face. “Okay, that was not me on my best day. And that is not what would have happened had I managed to separate the two relics. Those relics are bound to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna’s namesakes. Keeping them together is what allowed Princess Luna’s willpower to fall at the might of the darkness that overtook her just over a thousand years ago. Separating them was meant to prevent eternal night.”

“Which was only avoided again because Twilight and the others have been keeping Luna from heading down that dark train of thought again,” I say, hopping down from Fwinxie. “Which is also why I took them without your being aware of it.”

Daring gives me the stink eye, before looking back to Ahuizotl. “That still doesn’t answer the question of why you were in Somnambula instead of the sphinx.”

“I can answer that one, actually,” I hold up my hand. “Fwinxie here was, like many others, cursed by a now, thanks to myself and about a dozen other Discords from other timelines and realities, horrible disease called Swamp Fever. She went looking for her mama and got the disease while going through a swamp and ended up stuck as a tree for little over a thousand years.”

“Even back before her disappearance, because she is still a baby, we Guardian Creatures took it in turns to help train her as well as watch over her area along with our own,” Caimán says, sighing. “Once she vanished completely, it became much harder. So… it doesn’t surprise me Ahuizotl might’ve been too stressed at the time to help you understand that. It has been his century to watch over her area too since her absence.”

“I realize this is a lot to take in, Daring Do,” Ahuizotl says calmly, “but you must understand those relics are our responsibility. If we keep losing them because you take them under the guise you’re keeping them from evil, while also destroying our temples, our jobs will be on the line. Mine especially right now.”

“After all, thanks to you, he’s been losing artefacts from Fwinxe’s territory too,” I say, walking over and leaning against a tree.

“I… I honestly had no idea,” Daring shakes her head. “I honestly thought you were just an evil monster.”

Ahuizotl gives an exasperated sigh. “I get that a lot.”

“Do you still have the Truth Talisman on you?” He reaches behind him and tosses it to her and she puts it on, it and her irises glowing green. “I swear I’ll never unintentionally or now intentionally steal from any of your temples or any temples or ancient sites again.” She frowns, rubbing her chin. “Though, I guess this does mean I’ll have to stop my book series.”

“I beg to differ, Daring,” I float up, crossing my legs. “You can still write your books. But, the difference will be your adventures will no longer be you retrieving relics, unless the Guardians need to you to so and instead helping them stop others from taking them. After all, there are still enemies of yours who wouldn’t really care whether the Guardian Creatures are the good guys or not. There’s Caballeron, Stalwart Stallion and, as you recently mentioned, the Wild Bunch Gang, just to name a few. You can help keep them from taking the relics.”

“True,” Daring ponders, before looking to Ahuizotl and nodding, holding out a hoof. “Truce and a partnership.”

He smiles and nods, returning the gesture.

“Phew,” I wipe my forehead. “Glad that’s outta the way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to sort all this out with the EQG Daring Do as well. Phew. I’ve a busy day ahead of me.”

With that, I snap my fingers, leaving Daring to make arrangements with the Guardian Creatures for the future.

___________________________________________________________

I nod to myself as the human Daring Do starts discussing with Ahuizotl how they can work together and how they can get all the artifacts she’d already taken from him back to his area.

Satisfied, I snap my fingers, reappearing in Equestria and— Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa WHOA!

What the flying fuck? That’s a powerful spell! What it…? Oh, shit! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shity-shit!

Twilight, the in the world have you done?!

___________________________________________________________

“It worked!” Twilight landed, hurrying over to the grey stallion. “We brought you back!”

“To where?” Star Swirl the Bearded asked, rubbing his head.

“You and the others have been trapped in limbo for over a thousand years,” Twilight began excitedly, “but I figured out how to get you ho—”

Star Swirl’s eyes widened in horror. “What?! No, no, no, no! You must undo what you’ve done!”

Twilight became confused. “What? Why? I mean, I don’t think I can.”

Star Swirl the Bearded hurried down, getting closer than Twilight actually liked, espceillay with that wild look in his eyes. “You cannot bring us back!”

Twilight conitued to back away, glancing around at everyone else gathered around them. “But I did. I brought all the Pillars back.”

Star Swirl grabbed her by the shoulders. “You cannot bring only the Pillars back!”

As he spoke, lightning strikes flashed across the sky, dark clouds forming as a smoky essence began swirling around the centre of Ponhenge, expanding and shifting, taking on the form of a large black Alicorn, one Twilight and all her friends regnoized from the After Image they’d seen days ago. The Pony of Shadows.

The Pony of Shadow fully formed, laughing evilly.

Twilight’s face fell. “Oh, no!”

The Pony of Shadows laughed, looking down in amusement at the gathered ponies and dragon. “Your pitiful attempt to imprison me has failed, Star Swirl!”

Star Swirl tried to cast a spell, but his magic fizzled out, it having only been moments ago for him when he’d cast the powerful spell that had originally sent them all to limbo all those centuries ago. He looked to Twilight. “You must return us to limbo. It’s the only way to stop him.”

Twilight shook her head, her expression frantic. “I only figured out how to bring you back.”

“Working on it!” Sunburst called, his expression mirroring that of the purple Alicorn as his magic frantically flicked through the pages of Star Swirl’s journal. “No table of contents!”

“Allow me to assist,” the Pony of Shadows jeered, tendrils lashing out from him, piercing through the book and the stones of Ponhendge.

Lifting them up, he thrust them all down, smashing the rocks to pieces.

“There!” he yelled in triumph. “Without the power of Ponhenge, your banishing spell is useless!”

Star Swirl turned, looking at Twilight with narrowed eyes. “You have studied my writings. Surely you have some other plan.”

Twilight shook her head. “No. I just wanted to save you. I didn’t think—”

“Don’t fret,” the Pony of Shadows interrupted her. “When I extinguish the light and hope of this miserable world, you won’t remember any of this.”

His black horn glowed and a beam of pure dark energy burst forth, surging towards the crowd.

“No!” Twilight cried, reading her horn, when she hesitated, a familiar energy registering close by. A chaotic energy.

The Pony of Shadows’ spell made contact… but not with them. Instead, a large orange dome of energy had randomly appeared around the entire group.

“What?” the Pony of Shadows said, taken aback.

“Can I not even leave you ponies alone for any length of time before you screw things up to high heaven?”

Screwball appeared above them within the dome, in the form she had taken to calling her anthro form, something Twilight had noticed her using a lot lately.

“How did you—?” the Pony of Shadows began.

Screwball looked at the large being for a few seconds, before one of her eyebrows raised the tiniest fraction. “Interesting.”

“How did you block my attack?” he narrowed his eyes at the newcomer.

She chuckled. “Like you could beat my magic.”

At once, his eyes widened with rage. “You dare mock me?!”

He roared, firing another blast at the shield… only for it to do nothing. He roared louder, blasting the shield again and again, yielding the same result each time.

“Gimme a minute, will ya?” Screwball said nonchalantly, before whirling around and grabbing Twilight by the scruff of her chest fur. “WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, TWILIGHT SPARKLE?! Did it not even once occur to you that breaking a spell that sent them all to limbo would also let the Pony of Shadows out too? What in the wide world of Equestria is wrong with you? Did that big brain of yours decide to take a vacation while you were planning this?”

“On her foolishness, we can agree,” Star Swirl nodded.

At his words, Screwball’s head whirled to glare at him, causing the stallion to flinch.

“Don’t act like you have any moral high ground to stand on her, Beard Face!” Screwball snapped, yanking on Star Swirl’s beard and pulling him close so they were eye to eye. “Because of you, Stygian was lost to the darkness, the same darkness that then consumed Luna, because you weren’t there to keep Celestia’s ego in check and remind Luna how important her night truly is!”

“Stygian?” Spike asked, looking to Twilight, who shrugged.

“And that’s only your more recent failings!” Screwball continued, her eyes glowing with genuine anger. “You act like you’re better than Twilight because she made one mistake? Sure, it was a big as fuck mistake, but you’re not exactly clean of those yourself, you bearded bastard! It’s because of you the Sirens were almost able to take over the human world. Brilliant idea, send three magically empowered by negative emotions beings into the FUCKING HUMAN WORLD where they’d have literally had no magical defences against those three.”

“What? But that world had no magic—” Star Swirl began.

“There’s more than one portal leading to that world, you moron and it’s been leaking magic slowly into there for eons!” Screwball interrupted him. “It’s by sheer fucking chance that that world is safe and only because of Sunset Shimmer abandoning her studies with Celestia! If not for Sunset, the human world would’ve been fucked all because of you sending the Sirens there!”

“I—”

“It’s also sheer dumb fucking luck the spell you used to banish them made it so they can’t pass through the portal to get back here! You realize how stupid it is?! Had your spell crafting had been even one iota off centre, the Sirens could’ve just come back through the portal outside what is now Canterlot High and with you and the other Pillars in limbo, Equestria would’ve been fucked over too!”

“But how could you know—?” he tried again.

“You’re actions almost screwed over two worlds all because of your big fucking ego, you old idiot!” Screwball was practically screaming now, her face bright red and was the area within the dome suddenly getting hot?

“That doesn’t excuse her—” Star Swirl started pointing at Twilight, who wilted, worried Screwball anger would turn on her again.

“Don’t you try blaming Twilight for trying to clean up all the messes you left behind!” Screwball cut him off, a vein in her neck literally popping. “She’s the reason she and her friends were able to use the Elements to change Luna back from Nightmare Moon, she’s the one who had to clean up the mess you left with that fucking unfinished Alicorn spell of yours that turned Discord from a pony into the Lord of Chaos and originally drove him mad and then switched all her friends Cutie Marks! She’s the one who had to go and help Sunset save the human world by finishing off the Sirens’ magic for good! You don’t have any moral high ground to stand of here, you old goat, so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO OTHERS FOR ONCE IN YOUR DAMN LIFE!”

Her final scream echoed for several moments, slowly fading away across the landscape. Even the Pony of Shadows had stopped, stunned himself by the pure rage he’d been sensing.

After several tense moments as all watched for Screwball’s next actions, she took a deep breath, before turning in mid-air and looking to the Pony of Shadows.

“Right, now where were we again?” she asked, her voice suddenly calm and casual. The immediate shift set everyone on edge. Even though they’d known her for so long now, even Twilight, Spike and the others were unnerved by how easily Screwball could go from seeming so angry she could kill someone, to casually chatting as if they’d been discussing the weather.

“You’re… an odd one, aren’t you?” the Pony of Shadows asked, looking down with a raised eyebrow at the anthro girl.

She shrugged. “What can I say? I’m my daddy’s daughter.”

He gave her an inquisitive look, before shaking his head, curiosity in his large white eyes. “Now, how come my attacks aren’t getting through? This barrier doesn’t even seem to have a dent or crack and your attention hasn’t been on me for a few minutes. That’s quite some powerful magic.”

She chuckled. “A Princess of Chaos is far more powerful than a mere being of shadows like yourself.”

At once, his face filled with rage. “What? You dare to insult the Pony of Shadows? You think your power is greater than mine?”

She just snickered, folding her arms. “Uh, yeah. Dude, you realize just how chaotic things get in the dark, right? Don’t you know one of the most common gags that happens every time the lights suddenly go out in a room? Everyone starts running around, trying to find a way to bring light back, all the while slamming into and tripping over each other. And light ain’t any different. When there’s a bright light, those who see it have to adjust to the sudden brightness and, again, stumble around bumping and tripping over each other. Light and Darkness give Chaos more power, so you’ve got nothing on me.”

“Who is that strange creature and is she really talking so casually to the Pony of Shadows?” Rockhoof whispered.

“And egging him on,” Mistmane agreed. “Is that wise?”

“Ya get used to it,” Applejack deadpanned.

“Indeed,” Rarity nodded, deadpanning herself. “Screwball’s power is so immense that she rarely takes threats seriously.”

“She casually talks with villains who clearly intend to do her harm as if she’s talking about the weather with a random passer-by on a normal basis?” Mistmane looked very perplexed by the idea. “She’s that confident in her abilities?”

“Especially after what I did last year,” Starlight nodded, though she was anxious, not deadpanning. “An unforeseen side effect was Screwball’s power doubled and she’d already been about half as strong as Discord himself already.”

“So, with her now being on par with him power wise, she usually doesn’t worry about bad guys,” Rainbow Dash shrugged.

“Heck, even when she wasn’t able to use her magic, back in the Changeling Kingdom, she’d been resourceful enough to know how to not need to worry then either,” Starlight added. “She doesn’t really take any villains seriously.”

The Pony of Shadows was giving Screwball an odd look. “Wait. Discord? That name sounds familiar.” He blinked, his eyes widening slightly. “Not that weakling of unicorn who kept insisting Star Swirl make him his next apprentice? You’re honestly telling me that pathetic whelp is your father?”

He laughed, though Screwball just gave his a distasteful look.

“Don’t insult my daddy. A lot can change in over a thousand years, you Venom Wannabe.”

The Pony of Shadows just leered down at her. “If that fool is your father, what I’ve seen from you must have been for show and… wait a minute.” He frowned in confusion. “Wait. A thousand years, did you say? But, then he lived a thousand years ago. How is he your father is he should have died centuries ago?”

The filly grinned. “Like I said, a lot has changed.”

“Very well then,” the Pony of Shadows said simply, before firing a blast larger than any of the ones he had before at the shield.

It held, not seeming to be hindered at all.

Screwball rolled her eyes, before thrusting her arms to either side, the dome bursting outwards, knocking the shadowy stallion back.

Star Swirl stepped forward. “Know this, fiend! We will not rest until we find a way to return you to limbo!”

The Pony of Shadows growled. “Never! Your days of glory are through, Star Swirl. Now my dark power will reign, and you six will bow to me!”

“There’s sixteen ponies and a dragon here, idiot,” Screwball deadpanned. “Did all the dark magic make you unable to do basic mathematics anymore?”

“Silence!” he yelled and, with that, he leaped into the air, the clouds bursting apart, him having gone.

___________________________________________________________

Rainbow flies up into the air, followed by Flash Magnus. “Um... where’d he go?”

“That is a riddle we must unravel,” Somnambula says, landing next to Pinkie Pie. “And quickly.”

Mage Meadowbrook looks to Fluttershy. “How long have we been gone?”

“Over a thousand years,” the yellow mare replies.

The other ponies save Star Swirl look at each other in shock.

“Then my spell worked – before it was meddled with – and the realm has been at peace for a millennia!” said stallion boasts, along with insulting Twilight with few words.

Pinkie wraps a foreleg around him, pulling out a book she starts flipping through. “Weeeeell... we did have to save everypony from Nightmare Moon and Discord and Chrysalis and King Sombra and Lord Tirek, and there was that one time when Starlight,” she yanks said unicorn over, who wears an anxious smile, “travelled through time and almost destroyed life as we know it!” Pinkie shrugs, laughing. “But that’s all in the past.”

Flash Magnus looks to Dash, impressed. “If you are truly this accomplished, we will stop the Pony of Shadows twice as fast together.”

Star Swirl scoffs. “We shall see. It is an easy thing to say you have saved the world. It is quite another to do it.”

Rainbow Dash flies in front of him, flipping his beard. “Oh, we’ve saved the world, Beardo. And we can do it again.”

Star Swirl gives her a look that says he doesn’t believe her. “Be that as it may, the problem of locating the Pony of Shadows remains, and this land is vast.”

Rarity, who’s standing next to Mistmane, smiles. “It sounds like you need a map. Luckily, we have just the thing.”

The grey unicorn gives her a sceptical look. “And where would this map you think could help us be?”

“Ponyville,” she says, her voice going colder as she notices his tone. “It’s at least half a day’s travel by hoof.”

Star Swirl scoffs. “We hardly have time to waste traipsing half a day across the land when that fiend is on the loose.”

I scoff back, snapping my fingers. Next second, we’re all in the Map Room.

“I— but— we— WHAT?” Star Swirl looks around the changed scenery, bamboozled.

“Somepony isn’t paying attention,” Spike says drily, folding his arms and nodding to me as I float upside down above them all. “You honestly think, if she could so easily hold back the Pony of Shadows and barely pay attention to him while doing it and chewing you out for how many screw ups you’ve made after insulting my mother for one mistake, that she couldn’t teleport us here?”

There was a pause, which Meadowbrook breaks.

“Mother?”

“It’s a long story,” I wave a hand. “But, short version, Twilight hatched Spike’s egg and he became her son due to some magical energy merging.”

There’s another long pause.

After a few moments, Star Swirl blinks, looking around the room, before his eyes settle on the map and he moves over, putting a hoof on it. “Something about this magic seems familiar...”

Frowning, he zaps it with some magic and the image of Equestria turns into an image of the Tree of Harmony.

Everyone besides myself stares in awe.

“Did you know he can do that?” Rarity whispers to Twilight.

“He’s Star Swirl! He can do anything!” she whispers back.

I snort. “Expect realize when he’s fucked up.”

Star Swirl looks around at everyone, particularly his fellow Pillars. “This map, and indeed this very castle, are grown from the seed we planted over a thousand years ago.”

Rockhoof slams his hoof on the table. “Then it did work!”

Sunburst cocks his head. “What worked?”

“Each of us infused a crystal seed with our magic in hopes that it would grow into a force for good,” Somnambula says.

“We wanted to leave something to protect the realm in our absence, Mistmane says, before looking around the room, “but we never dreamed our gift would become so powerful.”

Applejack blinks. “Y’all mean the Elements came from you?”

There’s a pause as the Pillars look at her in confusion.

“You know, the sparkly crystal things that grow from the Tree of Harmony and represent each of us?” Pinkie says casually, moving around the room and stopping in front of each member of the Mane 6 as she mentions their Element… grabbing AJ’s ass when getting to her for some bizarre reason.

Somnambula smiles, indicating to herself and her fellow Pillars in turn. “They are reflections of our own elements of hope, strength, beauty, bravery, healing, and sorcery.”

I notice and scowl when I see Star Swirl give Twilight the cold shoulder.

I am so glad I was wrong about that theory. This guy’s a dick.

Meadowbrook smiles. “We had no idea our small seed would bloom into the living spirit of the land. I am glad our mantles have passed to such capable ponies.”

“More importantly, we no longer need Ponhenge to send our foe back to limbo,” Star Swirl says confidently. “We can use the stored magic in this Tree of Harmony.”

Twilight’s expression becomes worried, while I narrow my eyes. He better not be suggesting what I think he is. “But doesn’t a banishing spell take a lot of power? We’d have to sacrifice the Elements for that.”

Star Swirl nods, giving a simple. “Mm-hmm.”

Fluttershy looks around in concern. “They’d be gone... forever?”

Twilight looks to the stallion pleadingly. “Star Swirl, I don’t think the Tree can survive without the Elements. If it dies, Equestria will suffer.”

Star Swirl just gives her a condescending look as he hold up a hoof, as if giving her the “talk to the hoof” thing, clearly dismissing her opinion as if it doesn’t matter. “If the Pony of Shadows has his way, your land will not exist. So unless you have a better idea...”

“Actually, I do!”

They all turn to me… everypony and dragon wisely backing several feet away, as they all see the dark scowl I’m aiming at the stallion.

I float down slowly, before standing in front of Star Swirl, towering over him. “Pull that fucking stick out of your ass!”

He blinks, taken aback.

“Did nothing I said back at Ponhenge sink into that thick skull of yours?!” I give his head a hard poke. “You need to stop thinking you’re the only one with any brains, buster. If not for you, the Pony of Shadows wouldn’t even be a problem to begin with!”

“Screwball, what do you mean?” Starlight asks, cocking her head to the side.

I pull back, shrugging. “Dunno.”

There’s a murmuring of confusion from around the room.

“But, how can you know Star Swirl’s responsible for the Pony of Shadows if you don’t know?” Flash Magnus asks, looking quite puzzled.

I shrug again. “Dunno. Couldn’t get the full details from my quick glance, but I can sense Star Swirl had a part to play in the Pony of Shadows’ creation.”

The unicorn stallion scowls at me. “Believe me, I never would’ve allowed him anywhere near us had I known the true darkness with his—”

His sentence was cut off by Screwball punching him as she turned away, sending him crashing into the nearby crystal wall, leaving a pony shaped dent.

“Star Swirl!” Twilight and the other Pillars cried.

The others all just look at me, their expressions saying they understand I’m in one of those moods.

“We don’t need to sacrifice the Elements to banish the Pony of Shadows,” I say, closing my eyes and folding my arms, upturning my nose. “Only a moron, with no concept beyond jumping in first, would think sacrificing one of the only means of Equestria’s defence is the smarter move when there are plenty of other options.”

“Like what?” I glance behind me at the groggy voice as Rockhoof and Meadowbrook help a dazed Star Swirl stand up, him looking quite unfocused as he tries, as fails to sound imposing to me. “Our foe will seek dark places from which to draw power. The longer we take, the stronger he will become.”

Rainbow Dash pumps the air. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go get him!”

Flash Magnus smirks. “I like your spirit!”

They hoofbump.

“I’d recommend more just giving the Pillars a little time to adjust to the new times,” I shrug. “I can find the Pony of Shadows no problem. He’s a pretty big magical imbalance. Plus, if I really wanted to, I could literally just teleport him right here.”

Starlight glances to her side while the rest of the Mane 6 start chatting excitedly with their respective Pillar.

Star Swirl has his head turned away from Twilight, his voice loud, as if he wants everypony to hear him. “While I appreciate your enthusiasm, Twilight, this is hardly the time to take risks on half-baked spells.”

The dejected and heartbroken look on Twilight’s face as she sighs, fills me with anger and it seems I’m not the only one.

“Beggin’ your pardon, Mr. the Bearded!” Applejack says firmly, stepping over to her friend.“But Twilight doesn’t do anythin’ halfway!”

Pinkie hops over, waving her forehooves dramatically. “Especially not magic!”

Rainbow Dash flies to hover above the Alicorn. “Seriously! She got her wings by finishing one of your spells!”

“A spell, might I add, was so messed up originally it turned a being with no friends at all into the literal embodiment of chaos?” I say, an eyebrow raised. “And, if we’re talking half-baked spells, how about that time travel spell of yours? Ya know, the one that only sends a pony it’s cast on back a week tops and only for a few minutes times at best and that each magic user can only cast once, which Starlight was able to perfect to not only allow one to travel anywhere in time, not just back but also forward, but also keeps them in them time for as long as they want, no time limit and can be cast over and over again? You’re hardly one to criticize others for half-baked spells, you hack.”

“I think you’ll find her work is worth reading before you dismiss it out of hoof!” Rarity says firmly.

“Mm-hmm!” Fluttershy nods firmly.

“I… well…” he blinks, before glancing to Starlight. “You actually perfected that spell.”

“Twilight finishing your Alicorn Spell is the focus here, bucko!” she says defensively.

“So, if we’re done with a certain stallion keeping that stick up his ass,” I say, getting a glare from him, “how about we actually make a plan?”

“Wait,” we all look to Twilight, who’s suddenly looking at me. “Screwball, what you just said reminded me of something you said earlier. What did you mean it was Star Swirl’s fault that Discord came to be?”

I fold my arms, shrugging. “I originally thought Discord was actually Star Swirl the Bearded after he tried to cast his failed Alicorn spell and it warped him into the Lord of Chaos.”

“WHAT?!” everypony cries, staring at me with wide eyes.

“And ya’ll have been sittin’ on that all this time?” Applejack asks, waving a hoof in the air.

I shrug. “Didn’t think it was my place to say. Though, I was still half right. Once I sensed Star Swirl arriving from limbo, the last piece fell into place and I realized it was some other pony who’d turned themselves into Discord by using the spell.”

There’s silence.

___________________________________________________________

“It seems there are fewer dark corners in the realm these days,” Star Swirl says as the last group comes back and gives their information.

The rest of the Mane 6 had been both giving a tour of sorts to the Pillars as well as checking in case the Pony of Shadows was in specific areas, ones that would’ve given him strength in the past, but, thanks to society moving forward as it has, is no longer the case.

Pinkie even went with Somnambula to her home so she could reunite with Fwinxie.

Rainbow Dash glancing around the lot of us gathered in the room with confusion. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

Flash Magnus says from next to her at the table. “True. The Pony of Shadows will have a hard time regaining power. When he rears his head, we’ll be ready!”

The two thunk their cider mugs together.

Sunburst looks around as the rest of the Mane 6 and the Pillars walk in. “But we still have no idea where to find the villain.”

Just as I’m about to do a dramatic reveal as to the Pony of Shadows’ current location, the Mane 6’s Cutie Marks start shimmering, before images of them fly off them and hover over an area of the map.

Spike, who is sitting at the table, points. “Maybe we should try there?”

Applejack frowns at the map. “The Hollow Shades. I think a branch of the Apple family lives there.”

I fold my arms, pouting. Way to steal my thunder, map.

“They’d have to be pretty distant,” Sunburst says in reply to Applejack. “The Hollow Shades was abandoned eons ago.”

Yeah, and for good reason.

Rarity rubs her chin, looking down at her Cutie Mark as she is sitting in her throne. “Hmm, that’s odd. The only time the map’s called all of us to one place was Starlight’s village.”

Rainbow Dash hovers over the map. “So it’s like a super-villain tracker!” she blinks, before smiling sheepishly. “No offense.”

Starlight just gives her a deadpan stare, raising an eyebrow, as do I.

Really? First Sunset, now Starlight?

Twilight looks to Star Swirl, before pointing to the map. “Do you think the map could be trying to tell us where the Pony of Shadows is?”

I feel the urge to facepalm, but rest.

Star Swirl rubs his chin in thought. “Hmm... The Tree of Harmony acting to protect the light of the realm... Yes. A good thought, Twilight.”

Twilight squeals, making the most adorable face… while I’m just glaring at him. Did he have to sound so condescending when he said it?

Star Swirl looks around at everypony. “I will make my notes on the adjustments to the spell that will include Screwball’s magic. Ready yourselves for battle.”

Starlight steps forward, trying to get his attention. “Uh, I know I’m not as experienced as all of you, but is banishment really the only option? I mean, it’s been a long time. Maybe the Pony of Shadows is ready to talk?”

Star Swirl just gives her a condescending look. “I doubt we can save our homeland with a conversation.”

I fold my arms. “Oh, sure. Just because Twilight and the others have done it before, I guess it couldn’t possibly work this time, right?”

“Screwball’s right,” Starlight Glimmer looks to him. Sure, it doesn’t sound like the best idea, but we could try.”

Twilight looks to her former pupil. “Starlight, I’m sure Star Swirl and the others did try.”

From what I’ve seen of his personality thus far, I doubt it.

Star Swirl looks scoldingly at Starlight. “The Pony of Shadows was not interested in reconciliation. Once a villain, always a villain.”

At once, Starlight’s face is filled with sadness and I see red.

“SHUT UP! JUST FUCKING SHUT UP, YOU SELF-CENTRED, NARROW MINDED JERK!”

Everypony and dragon rubs their ears, before Star Swirl cowers as I’m towering over him, my eyes glowing yellow.

“Once a villain, always a villain, huh? Is that what you just dared to say? You wanna say that about my dad? How about Trixie? Or Sunset Shimmer? Ahuizotl? Gilda? Snowfall Frost? Starlight? MY SISTER? THE ENTIRE CHANGELING KINGDOM? OR HOW ABOUT PRINCESS LUNA HERSELF?! You wanna say they’re still villains because they were once before?! DO YOU?!”

“I… well, you… what?” he cowers, seeming to be unable to come back with anything after the list of now no longer villains I just shot off at him!

I glare down at him, before turning to the others. “Twilight, you make the plan. You’re the Princess of Friendship. This asshole wouldn’t know the first thing about friendship or what actually goes on in the world. Let me know when you’re all ready to go!”

With that, I stomp out of the room, barely restraining myself from having a magical outburst.

___________________________________________________________

“I don’t remember reading anything that said the Hollow Shades was like this,” Sunburst says as we look out of the drierly landscape of the named place.

Mistmane sighs. “Ohhh. The Pony of Shadows must have twisted it to his purposes.”

I’m glaring at Star Swirl. Despite my misgivings, he made the Mane 6 go get the Elements from the Tree. Though I was confused why the Tree didn’t try and stop them.

As we walk towards the centre of town, we stop by a well as evil chuckles echo around us.

I snap my fingers and we’re suddenly down below the well, in an area that looks like an ancient temple. I can sense dormant magic here.

Glancing around, I see a mural that seems to display the Pony of Shadows. Seems like it’s a prophecy.

Maniacal laughter rings out as the Pony of Shadows starts to form, Star Swirl quickly raising an magical barrier around us.

“Welcome to the Well of Shade!” the dark pony jeers at us. “When you turned your backs on me, I discovered this place. The darkness spoke to me of a power beyond any I could imagine, and I listened. The shadow and I became one. Soon, all of the realm will be the same. Then all ponies will feel the despair I did when you cast me out!”

Yeah, turns out I was more on the money than I thought. Stygian became the Pony of Shadows after the Pillars cast him out, but they only did so because Star Swirl told them he’d planned to use their personal mgical items to give himself power, without even giving him the chance to explain himself.

So, basically, I was right on the money. The Pony of Shadows is Star Swirl’s fault. Pretty much all Equestria’s biggest problems have been.



“We… we did what we had to do. You tried to steal our powers for yourself,” Star Swirl says firmly, but there is a slight hint of doubt in his tone. Clearly my pointing out all his failings so many times has him finally questioning his actions.

“No!” the Pony of Shadows yells with rage. “It was you who were selfish! And now you will pay!”

He fires a blast of magic at the shield and it quickly starts cracking.

Starlight looks to Twilight. “Are you still sure this isn’t a friendship problem?”

“Ready?” I call out, reading my fingers. “I’m going to open the portal…” the shield shatters, “...Now!”

The Pillars and Mane 6 come together, pooling their harmonic energy.

I snap my fingers, a portal opening behind the Pony of Shadows as he’s blasted by the multiple beams of magic.

“No!” he yells in both rage and fear. “You will not trap me again!”

I sense something off about him though. I’d sensed it the first time I saw looked at him.

“Twilight!” I turn as Star Swirl looks to the mare. “Push him in!”

“No!” I growl. “I sense something, Twilgiht. We can’t jhust toss him in without thinking!”

Twilight looks from Star Swirl to myself, then to the Pony of Shadows. “Huh?”

She blinks as what I’m sensing becomes clear. There’s a grey pony, no doubt Stygian, visible through the shadowy mass. He’s… he’s trying to break free.

“There’s... a pony in there,” she yells, before flying up and into the creature.

“Are you... Stygian?” her voice says in an echo a few moments later.

“I was, once,” a voice that kinda sounds British says in reply. “Until my friends betrayed me.”

“But Star Swirl says you betrayed them. You wanted their magic...”

“No!” Styigan’s voice replies, sounding aghast. “I wanted their respect. I brought them together. I planned strategy, and I read all I could about the beasts we faced. But I didn’t have magic or strength, so nopony ever noticed me. I went to Ponhenge to make my own copies of the artefacts.”

I look to Star Swirl and cock an eyebrow, to which he looks away, focusing more on keeping his magical stream going.

“With them, I thought I could be a Pillar, too,” I glance around to see the other Pillars are listening and taking this in, realization dawning in their faces, “and stand by their side in battle. I never wanted to steal their power. But instead of sharing and letting me help, my friends threw me out.”

Suddenly, his voice grows deeper and becomes more of a growl as I sense the Pony of Shadows regaining his grasp on him. “So I became stronger than any of them! The darkness welcomed me when no pony would, and I will do what I must to protect it!”

“This is all a misunderstanding!” Twilight tries to reason with him. “If the Pillars knew how you felt, I’m sure they wouldn’t have turned their backs on you. The shadow isn’t who you really are. Let me help you be Stygian again.”

Stygian scoffs. “Even if my friends did still care, what makes you think you have the power to help me?”

I glance at Starlight and nod, snapping my fingers.

“Because it’s what she does,” her voice echoes a few moments later. “I wasn’t so different from you, and Twilight helped me change. If there’s one pony in Equestria that can save a friendship, it’s her.”

“I... I want to believe you... Stygian’s voice says and I sense the shadow’s power faltering again, before it rises back up, like a wounded animal lashing out as he growls. “But the darkness will not be stopped!”

Twilight and Starlight’s voices cry out, before the two seem to fly out, a beam of energy from her horn still reaching into the dark mass, clearly connecting to the pony within.

Twilight stands up, straining. “Fight the darkness, Stygian! You don’t need it anymore! Revenge isn’t what you want!” As she speaks, I feel the shadow’s power weakening further and Stygian starts being pulled out. “Friendship is!”

The darkness sludges up, trying to pull him back in as the Pony of Shadows growls, pulling Twilight towards it too.

“Twilight!” Starlight yells, before firing her own magic rope, aiding in slowly struggling to pull the stallion out of the dark mass.

Twilight strains, before glancing back at the rest of us as best she can, grunting. “The shadow won’t let go of him. He wants to stop, but he can’t do it alone.”

I look to Star Swirl, who looks down in shame, before his face becomes firm and he nods. “Then we must help him!”

He fires a stronger blast, wrapping it around the pony, Sunburst and the others following suit.

“Like I’m being left out,” I yell, thrusting my arms forward, my fingers turning purple and shooting forward like vines. “Poison Ivy!”

They all rap around Stygian and, with a bit of struggling, with yank him out.

The Pony of Shadows screams “NO!” as, with no host, he cannot resist the pull and is yank into the void, one I made sure led to nowhere and where he will never be able to escape.

The portal close with a bang and a magic explosion of rainbow energy soars upwards into the sky, dispelling the effects of what the Pony of Shadows had done to the area.

I sigh with relief as we all make our way out of the temple, wiping my forehead. “Okay. After that, I need a serious rest. Try to at least keep Equestria from falling to ruins for once while I’m gone, okay, guys?”

The Mane 6, Spike, Starlight and Sunburst chuckles, smiling sheepishly.

“And as for you, Somnambula,” I look to her, smiling. “I hope you can enjoy catching up with your baby.”

She gives me a warm smile. “I understand you are the reason she is still here for me to be with.” She bows. “You have my gratitude, Screwball, Princess of Chaos.”

I smirk, waving goodbye to the others and snap my fingers. I need a long rest.

Author's Note:

Phew. FINALLY, we're past season 7.

next time, arrives shortly into Forgotten Friendship. She's going to have a few choice words for Wallflower.


hope this lived up to the hype and hope you all enjoyed Screwball's verbally lashing Star Swirl so much.

though i'm looking forward to the movie events later on. Screwball's gonna come in late, but her meddling will already change certain events in that as well as her having fun with the later ones. Look forward to finding out what those are and how she'll pull one over on Tempest before helping her see the light.


til then, later everyone

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