• Published 30th Dec 2015
  • 27,028 Views, 2,508 Comments

It's A Screwed Up Life - Autum Breeze

Life can become very confusing when you go from working in a factory to waking up as a pony with Choas Magic. Wait. Did I say confusing? I meant FUN!

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Family Reunion. Fun Times... well, for me, Anyway.

Family Reunion. Fun Times... well, for me, Anyway.


Filthy Rich and his family were sitting in the living room, admiring the room, thankful that disaster with Discord hadn’t ruined anything.

Diamond seemed as relieved as himself, though his wife seemed both bored and annoyed.

Probably because Discord’s chaotic attack ruined her daily schedule, he thought to himself, giving an inward sigh. I’m going to be hearing about this for a week if I’m lucky.

The doorbell rang and Randolph came in a few moments later. “Miss Zecora to see you, Mr. Rich.”

All three ponies turned to the old stallion, eyebrows raised in confusion.

Rich got up and went out to the front door to indeed find the zebra waiting for him.

“Mr. Rich, it is good to see you well. I hope things are fine after Discord’s brief chaotic spell?”

He nodded slowly, before glancing around outside. “Um, not that I want to appear rude, Miss Zecora, but, why exactly have you come to visit, especially after everything else that’s happened today.”

She nodded, closing her eyes briefly, before opening them again and looking at him. “Whilst travelling through the Everfree, I stumbled upon a young filly. After she and I had a small talk, sometimes with little mirth, she told me you were one of the ponies responsible for her birth.”

Rich just stared blankly. It took him a few seconds to work out the zebra mare’s rhyme, but, when he did, he was just met with confusion.

“Um... I’m afraid I don’t quite follow, Miss Zecora.”

“Told you he wouldn’t get it in one go.”

The sudden additional voice from behind caused the stallion to jump, before glancing behind him, only for his eyes to widen.

Behind him was a small Earth Pony filly with Diamond Tiara’s colours, but with several key differences. One, her eyes were like purple spirals and her Cutie Mark was a screw and a baseball. However, the oddest thing was that she was floating in the air, leaning back with her forehooves behind her head.

He just blinked up at her, his mouth hanging open.

“Um... but... what? How...?”

The filly chuckles, before there’s a flash and all three were suddenly in the living room, with a very shocked and confused Diamond Tiara and Spoiled Rich staring at the floating filly.

“It’s like this, daddiekins,” the filly says, music starting up in the background.

It's a screwed-up life, for me

It's a screwed-up life for me!!

Steada treated, I got tricked

Steada kisses, I get nicked

It's a screwed-up life!!

I was just minding my own business, you see, got warped into the body this little pony. How? God only knows

Now this is my body – so let’s see how it goes

Used to be a twenty-four-year-old male sod. Now I’m a maybe nine-year-old filly. Isn’t that a bit odd?

Was left in that hospital since birth; for one pony here my existence sure gave no mirth?

Who am I? Name’s Screwball now, so listen up. I’m not going to repeat this stuff.

It's a screwed-up life!

Y'all were told that – I wouldn’t wake up, so ya left me in the first act

Like it's all backwards, what's with that?

So I'll make a prophecy; from the dogs, to little old me

Gimme an Escalade, a 2-way, bling bling on eBay

Domino, girl.

It's a screwed-up life for me

It's a screwed-up life, for me!!

Steada treated, I got tricked

Steada kisses, I got nicked

It's a screwed-up life, for me

It's a screwed-up life for me!!

Steada treated, I got tricked

Steada kisses, I got nicked

It's a screwed-up life!!

I gotta bust a move, droppin bust-a-groove, feelin fine

Got all new chaos powers, thank Discord, cos o' him, now I’m fine

Now I’m out and

I can talk and think just any normal pony

Don’t think for a second that I’m a phony.

Now I’m here I'll join the family.

Just don’t expect to find a pushover in me

I'm a normal pony, if that what you can call

Fa shizzle my nizzle y'all

It's a screwed-up life!


Once I finish my little rap ditty inspired by Annie and Austin Powers Goldmember, using my powers to emphasis certain things like those bling and domino parts of the song, I stop, floating in the air, my forelegs folded over my chest as I wait for a response.

All five of them are staring at me with confusion and open mouths.

I sigh, dropping to the ground all on floors. “What, that wasn’t clear enough?” I ask, looking at each of them, before muttering, “Doesn’t a song usually explain a heap of shit in this world, even when the song doesn’t even mention stuff?”

Before I can really think beyond that, I suddenly find myself being crushed by a pair of forelegs holding me against another furry body.

“Lilac? Oh, my little Lilac, is it really you? You... you’ve woke up? Oh, thank Celestia!”

Filthy’s Rich’s voice in my ears in really loud and filled with more emotion than I’d really have expected from him. I mean, the show never portrayed him as a bad pony, per say, but...

When I feel I’m about to suffocate from the bear-hug being given to me by a pony, I teleport out of his grasp, plopping onto the couch next to the two other ponies, myself being separated from the bitch by the filly who shares my colour scheme.

“But... But how is this possible?!” said filly screams in anger, standing up and thrusting her hoof at me. “You’re telling me that, this whole time, I’ve had a twin sister and you never told me?! Why?!”

I shrink away a bit from how loud screeching. Jeez, Diamond. I’m right next to you. I’d like to keep my eardrums thanks... though I guess I could always make them better again with a little chaos magic.

“It wasn’t important.”

My eyes narrow and I glare at the upturned-nosed mare and her stiff remark. Oh, so one of her daughters wasn’t important? Really feeling the love.

“Wasn’t important?!” Diamond rounds on her mother, which honestly causes me to raise an eyebrow. I thought she didn’t grow that backbone until season five. She points at me. “You think it wasn’t important to tell me I have a freak for a twin sister?!”

My frown returns. Freak? Really, bitch? I know she’s gonna get reformed eventually, but seriously? That’s her concern right now?

“What your mother meant, Diamond, is that we didn’t tell you because we didn’t want you getting upset,” Filthy Rich says in a calming gesture.

I roll my eyes. “Think it’s a bit late for that, daddy.”

“Don’t you call him daddy!” Diamond rounds on me, her face a glare of disgust.

I just give her a sideways look. “He’s mine too, dumbass. Or are you not old enough to know about the birds and the bees?”

She blinks, her face becoming confused annoyance. “What? Bird and bees? What are you babbling about?”

Oh. Right. Around nine. Yeah, she’s probably too young still. But... it does give me a chance for a little superiority inducing fun.

I float up and pat her on the head. “Don’t worry. You’ll learn when you’re older.”

As I expected, Tiara’s face turns red. I can almost see steam coming out her ears.

“I demand you leave at once!” My smile fades and I turn an unamused look to Spoiled Rich as she stands, glaring at me. She points in the direction of the door. “Leave our home at once.”

I smirk, leaning back in the air a bit. “Last I check, kids have to live with their parents and you know I came out of your hole, Spoiled. You told Doctor Stable to keep things quiet about me. Can’t legally kick me out, can you?”

She just stands there, fuming at me.

“Well, she is partially right, Lilac,” Filthy... though I suppose I should start thinking of him as Dad, says, turning to me. “You’ll need to be discharged from the hospital and... Oh, sweet Celestia. Do they even know you’re gone?”

I smirk, laying back in the air. “Taken care of, daddy.” A folder appears before the stallion, causing him to jump. “That’s my file. Paperwork’s already done. And, it’s Screwball, Dad. Not Lilac. Discord got rid of her and I’m what was left when he finished.”

“But... but you’re like Discord!” Diamond shouts, pointing an acussing hoof at me. “You’re just going to cause chaos like he did and try to take over Equestria.”

I snort, waving a hoof. “The old, rule the world gag? Please, Diamond. Give me some credit. Discord’s Discord. I’m going to use my new power however I bloody wish, yeah, but rule the world? Bor-ing. I’d rather just enjoy time here in Ponyville. Beats my old life in terms of excitement, that’s for sure.”

Daddy looks from Spoiled, to Diamond to me, clearly not sure where to go from here.

“Don’t worry,” I say, teleporting onto the chandelier and looking down from it. “I’ll be a good little chaos filly. I won’t cause problems for anypony aside those who deserve it.” I’m looking at you, Spoiled.

“But... where will you sleep?” Daddy asks and I can’t help smirking at the fuming filly and mare he’s ignoring in favour of me.

I shrug. “I’ll fine a room. This place has plenty t’ spare, right? I’ll just pick one. You’ll all know it when you see it. Thanks for everything, Zecora.”

I wave to the zebra and, with that I disappear to get my room sorted.

Author's Note:

So, there's Screwball's meeting with her family. Honestly thought i'd do more with it, but oh well.

Next, Screwball starts settling into Ponyville, including introducing herself to the mane 6, starting with a certain Pegasus.

Keep a look out to learn what happens.

So, first chapter of the new year. Hope it's good enough.

And, yes, i used It's A Hard-Knock life. Originally, i was going to go with the original version from Annie, which i was getting TheMyth to help me edit to match the story... before i realized it was just too problematic to work with the version from Annie, so i went with the Austin Powers Goldemember version instead.

Watch this to get some of the points in the song if you haven't seen the moive

Personally, i think it turned out okay, but i'd need more opinions.

Anyway, hope you're all enjoying the new year and, til next time, later everypony

Hey. Can i prank Rainbow in the next chapter

Me: *sighs* yes, screwball. kinda the point, isn't it?

*snickers, rubbing hooves together*

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