(After the Friendship Games) Expelled from Crystal Prep Academy by a furious Principal Cinch, our five ex-Shadowbolts; Sour Sweet, Sugarcoat, Indigo Zap, Lemon Zest and Sunny Flare are forced to go to Canterlot High and make friends with our HuMane Seven. After months of building a friendships with each other; some of our characters start developing more-than-friends feelings towards each other.
Pairings include: Pinkie Pie/Lemon Zest, Rainbow Dash/Indigo Zap, and the rest are hidden!
Prologue, Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 have been edited to make the story better. Now an AU!
Chapters (3)
Maybe you should combine chapter 1 and 2 in some way, maybe with some filler in between to make it 1000 words to make it seem more natural. Otherwise, nice work so far!
This idea i can see them useing in the 4th EQG movie.
Okay, the premise is good but you have no flow whatsoever. The dialogue feels stilted and far too wordy for natural dialogue. The way they speak also feel unnatural - as if words are in the wrong spot or you are trying to explain too much in a piece of dialogue.
"Not to question her, but my logical brain can't stop doing so! Its still trying to figure out her Pinkie Sense and whatnot," replied Twilight.
"Well, I would try to stop it from doing so! It'll give you a headache and that's not very healthy for you, darling," said Rarity.
This sentence does not feel like a Twilight sentence but rather a "smart girl sentence telling us something to move the plot along." The sentences just don't feel natural when you say them outloud. A more realistic sentence is along these lines:
"I know, I know, don't question Pinkie Pie, but I can't help it. Nothing she does makes sense! There has to be a scientific reason for her so-called Pinkie Sense...Maybe if I ran some more tests --"
"Twilight, darling, please stop. You'll just give yourself a headache," Rarity said calmly.
loved the movie and eg in general. this story you have here sounds like a really great continuation of the movie! great idea, great job! can not wait for more!
6491841 Sorry, its just that I'm used to a lot of expositional onslaught and trying to get my point acrossed. I did change it a bit to feel more realistic, but I'm a lot better at writing Pinks since she is my favorite. Hope you'll enjoy the story.
6491731 I know, but I like to focus on singular events, but after we get passed the "Hey new people, let's be friends" part, there'll be a lot more
I've decided to combine chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 since each were about 350 words and I decided that each chapter should be longer. Sorry for the inconvenience.
I probably would have stretched this opening out a lot - Maybe the Shadow Five's own internal reactions to the dressing-down Cinch gives them, maybe their concerns that their families will be disappointed (I get the impression that Crystal Prep is where all the high-achievers who go on to big things have their high school years) and fears about the future. I think it would be typical Crystal Prep that, by the time they get to their lockers, Cinch's sycophants amongst the students (probably at her indirect instructions) had already defaced them and destroyed the girls' property as a 'going away present' for a quintet of traitors.
I understand why you wanted to get this out of the way quickly but either here or in a first chapter you needed to do a lot of work to establish the Five's personalities in a lot more detail than Friendship Games did. Before we even get to them being taken on by CHS, we need to establish the characterisation of the Shadowbolts clearly.
Maybe such an 'introduction' chapter would be the appropriate moment for some unexpected characterisation quirks. Perhaps Indigo Zap's aggressive, assertive nature covers over a highly anxious personality or Sugarcoat has been hovering on the brink of expulsion anyway because she just can't stop telling faculty what she thinks of them. I do like the idea that Lemon Zest has been so involved in that groovy, rhythmic world of her own that she hasn't quite caught up with what is happening to her. That might be somewhere to go with the character in the future: She has great intelligence in her narrow fields of interest but, a bit like Rainbow Dash, can be a bit 'slow' outside of that, mostly because she simply isn't interested in it.
I'll keep watching for a while because I like the premise but I wanted you to know right out where I thought there were problems.
One thing bug with this, is that Principle Cinch can't give their parents (who likely paid a good amount for their kids to attend) the ACTUAL reason she's expelling. Refusing to back her up about seeing Canterlot High's magic and believing they'd used it to cheat, resulting in a tie.
That would put her in a corner.
6493402
I agree completely with everything you said here.
I'm surprised the five got expelled over the Friendship Games however. Since their parents likely paid a good deal for their children to attend. If Cinch can't give a concrete reason, they could likely sue her and the school. If she claims it was over magic, she'll look crazy. If she just throw 'disrespect' out there, the parents WOULD interrogate their kids, find out the truth likely, and likely claim that Cinch had gone overboard. She'd need a concrete excuse on Crystal Prep grounds to expel them.
Don't forget, Suri, Piercey, Fleur Dis Lee, and others were all present as well, and since Canterlot is still standing, it's likely ALL of students present followed the traitors' lead and chose to not support their principle. However expelling THAT many students would get WAY TOO MANY raised eyebrows. AND after losing her best student to their worst enemy, she can't AFFORD to toss out her smartest and strongest.
The only logical answer is that they were an EXAMPLE.
Due to some complaints to the prologue, I may in the future edit it if people want me too
This wasn't as bad as it could be. You still need to flesh out the Shadow Five a bit; give them a few more dimensions to their personalities. I also still think that you could do with more unspoken insight into the characters' thought-processes, particularly the Shadowbolts.
Don't be so quick to make them 'nice', either. Remember the poisonous nature of Crystal Prep's school culture - win at all costs. Also remember that they are private school girls coming into the public school system for possibly the first time. They might be genuinely afraid that the 'lower class' kids might be a threat to them. In any case, they'll be nervous about entering a new environment at the bottom of the heap and this could lead to them initially being defensive or conniving, planning to exploit the HuMane Seven.
Maybe you could do with having the Shadow Five quizzing Twilight about Canterlot High. Who are the king and queen of the school? Who should they suck up to, who should they avoid and who should they feel free to bully (more importantly, who should they make time to bully because it will improve their standing with the student body)? What about Twilight's group? Are they trustworthy? Will they protect them and, if so, at what cost? Homework or assignments? Even make-outs? It occurs to me that, if Sunset and Twilight are already drifting towards being an item, the Shadow Five might initially (and wrongly) assume that she's simply trying to seduce the gang's 'alpha' for added protection.
I suggest that you go to the MLP Wikia (mlp.wikia.com) and look at their articles on the Shadowbolts. It might give you some ideas for deeper characterisation.
6497488 I like to believe they undergone a lot of character development in the Friendship Games. Plus, also that seduction stuff kinda sounds stupid. I'm not gonna make them nice but I'm not gonna make them total jerks. Sure, Sour Sweet, Indigo Zap, and maybe even Sunny Flare will try to establish being "top dog" but the seven are gonna help them lose that in a realistic way (I hope). I don't know much about private schools though so that will affect my writing.
6497513
Private school's aren't much different than public ones. The main difference is the size of the student body.
6499591 OK, thanks. I just have never heard much about em
6500431
I also forgot to mention the discipline is more severe.
The likelihood is that Chryssie's husband is Sombra. I also think that she's delusional if she thinks that the Iron Girl competition that Rainbow and Indigo are going to set up for themselves would be the sort of contest in which neither of them are likely to be hurt.
Okay, I'll be honest with you here. This story is okay but, in the end, I just can't get into your characterisation of Sour Sweet, Sugarcoat or Sunny Flare. It's a bad sign when you have a hard time progressing through the story because you have to keep pausing to let your suspension of disbelief to reset because of the weird characterisations.
So, I'm afraid that this is the stop where I get off. All the best for the future!
that was a great chapter! i truly love the way you show each girls emotions and feelings! well done !
I'm liking the story so far :)
6511629 Well, I did feel like I made Sour Sweet too cruel and I know I was set up to fail with Sugarcoat from the start. Sunny Flare has little to no character so I had to fill up some for her. It ain't gonna be the best fabric or story I've ever written but its the first I've ever shared with others
This sounds like a good story so far.
6594118 Thanks :)
Interesting. I look forward to where this is going. Keep it up.
I'm really liking this so far! But what did Sour Sweet do to those poor kids? XD
6750980 Good to hear! I will be working a bit on Chapter 3 so stick around until then!
6751067 I so will! Will I find out what happened to the kids? XD
I noticed something that needs fixing here.
That should read "I bet it sucks if it's coming from her." Other than that nicely done so far.
Okay I just saw a few things more here.
That should read jealous of. And then there is the bit about AJ being truthful, is should say AJ was all for being truthful. Also Vice Principal Luna doesn't talk in the really old ways. So that needs to be My office because it is separate from Principal Celestia's office. That's it though for any mistakes.
I wonder what Sour Sweet did to those kids.
Anyway I love the story so far
Here's some help with the grammar:
That special a is not supposed to be there.
Other then that, great story so far!
I remember one story where Cinch is Sunny's mother.
I can't wait for the next installment! You done good, as one might say in a movie.
Any chance can you continue this? I'd like to see more.
7289252 Someday I will return to writing this! I've just had a lot of motivational problems lately that greatly affect my work and I want to try and give you this story in the best quality I can write it in. It's really surprised me how much views this story has and it makes me a little happy. I promise I'll return soon with a good chapter that I don't have to rework! (Hopefully)
7322998 Okay, cool, sweet. Glad to hear this story isn't dead.
I'm loving it.
Sunny Flare:
Lemon Zest:
Two FaceSour Sweet:Sugarcoat:
Indigo Zap:
How can you have two students that are rank #5?
What's that supposed to mean?
Looks quite fun