Chapter 1
Canterlot High School, Six Months since the Friendship Games.
"I still can’t get over the fact that their is another me from a different dimension!" exclaimed Twilight Sparkle as she and her other six friends walked towards the entrance to Canterlot High School. Everyone else was also rushing indoors too or chatting to their own friends. CHS managed to survive the powers of dark magic three times now and didn’t seem like it was ever going to falter again.
"Yup, its kinda weird isn’t it? I hope I don't cross paths with this dimension’s version of me! I don’t want to know how you felt firsthand. I wonder where she is," said Sunset Shimmer, whom was walking on the right side of Twilight.
"Don't worry, the other you isn't in the same city as us. She isn't even in our country!" Pinkie exclaimed from Twilight’s left.
“How would you even know that?” Sunset asked.
"I dunno, but I heard from a little birdy that we are gonna have five new students here and that we actually know them and we'll become friends with them and then each of us is gonna find... Ah crap, I read too far into the script!" Pinkie mused.
"Wait! What script? What friends? What'll we find?" questioned Twilight as the gears in her head tried to start functioning properly again. She knew Pinkie for six months now but still couldn’t wrap her head around how Pinkie had managed to function. She was indeed different from the many people she had came into contact with, even if she could somehow “pony-up” as her friends would say.
"Don't ya remember what we told you about Pinks, eh Twi?" asked Rainbow Dash who was walking on right side of Sunset as she raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"I'm not trying to, but so far it's failing," replied Twilight as she hung her head and sighed.
"It'll give you a headache if you keep thinking about it, darling," said Rarity who was walking on the left side of Pinkie. “It’s just our Pinkie Pie being herself.”
"I know," Twilight said in a defeated tone as her head still hung from its spot. Fluttershy and Applejack looked at each other as they shrugged their shoulders, finding nothing into input into the other’s conversations.
As the seven entered the building, Principal Celestia stepped into their paths and quickly said, "We have new students and since you know this place inside out, I'd like you to give them a grand tour while Vice Principal Luna and I fill out some paperwork. Can I count on you girls?"
"You can definitely do that, Principal Celestia!" Dash proudly stated with a smug look on her face as she folded her arms in an attempt to look cool
Principal Celestia nodded and spun around on her heel but before she left, she quickly added, "Oh yeah, they came from Crystal Prep. They would’ve joined us sooner. I think you guys may have already met."
The seven looked at each other with confused faces and all turned around when they heard the door open. The five that stepped through the doors were none other than the five Shadowbolts they competed against.
"Told ya!" Pinkie smirked as she rushed over to greet them. They saw the pink girl rush over to them and raised their eyebrows. As usual, Sunny Flare took charge as Pinkie greeted them with, "Hello guys!"
"Ah, if it isn't that girl that beat Lemon Zest and I on the speed skating track. It’s a pleasure to formally meet your acquaintance as an official classmate!" said Flare, putting on her usual fake act.
Pinkie just giggled and outstretched her hand which Sunny Flare took and they shook hands and said, "You remind me of when I first met Rarity, the names Pinkie Pie by the way!"
Flare ended the hard handshake and said, "My name is Sunny Flare and companions are Lemon Zest, Sour Sweet, Indigo Zap, and finally Sugarcoat."
The rest of the six finally caught up as Sunny Flare started introductions and when she spotted them, Pinkie introduced her friend's names to them. Twilight barely looked at the new students and Sunset glared at them for making Twilight slightly uncomfortable. Pinkie took notice and decided to try to break the ice by suggesting that Twilight and Sunset should go to class and that the rest individually take one of the ex-shadowbolts on a one-on-one tour. They all agreed to Pinkie's plan; with Lemon Zest walking over to Pinkie, Sugarcoat moving over to Applejack, Sunny Flare moving towards Rarity, Sour Sweet grumbling as she walked over to Fluttershy before quickly adopting a happy face and Indigo Zap forced to team up with Rainbow Dash. As they each went down five different halls, Twilight and Sunset looked at each other and shrugged as they moved to their 1st hour.
-R&SF-
Rarity was especially excited to give Flare the tour. She had seen how Sunny acted around Pinkie with a ladylike manner and knew that she might become easy friends with her. She decided it would be best if she immediately showed her the arts and crafts hall. Maybe this girl had a thing for fashion as well. Ooo, she could tell this would mark the beginning of a new friendship. She broke out her little daze and adjusted herself with a more ladylike poise as she started the tour.
"This is the Arts and Crafts hall, darling," informed Rarity as they walked down said hall. "It's where the fashionistas and artists like myself spend our elective courses on."
"Huh, it’s a lot more colorful and less shiny than I'm used to seeing at Crystal Prep. I think I'll take some of these classes since I'm an artist/fashionista myself," Sunny Flare commented. She really didn't want to hang with this girl because she rubbed Sunny the wrong way, but she had to be respectful to her company. Rarity smiled a little bit wider upon the fashionista proclamation. She knew it! She saw that this girl had an eye for creative detail just like herself.
They stopped at the end of the hall and Rarity turned around to face Sunny Flare and asked, "Well, what types of fashion are you into if you don't mind me saying?"
Sunny did mind, but she had to be respectful. She couldn't be as outright as she once was. "Mostly clothing and painting; but Cinch never really cared for fabric design, hence the reason we wore these uniforms," she answered, gesturing towards her outfit. “She kinda made them mandatory, but that’s private school life for you.”
"I, for one, couldn't be seen wearing something so... severe. Do you want a new outfit because I can provide?" Rarity asked politely.
"Nah! This uniform is still a part of my identity, but I would love to see your work sometime!" Flare replied, but only to be nice. She could care less about this girl and her love for fashion. She just wanted to graduate as soon as possible so she can have the life she was expected to live.
Rarity smiled and asked, "Really? Do you think your other friends would like to see it too?"
Sunny just shrugged and replied, "Probably not, but I would still love to, dearie. I think it'll be good for our two groups to mingle. Maybe it will make Sour Sweet and Zap loosen up a bit." She was telling the truth that time, maybe there will be some positives to this new found friendship. She still wanted to graduate quickly though, but this could help life at CHS be a little easier.
"I think that would be marvelous, darling!" Rarity agreed. They continued back down the hall they came from until they heard loud grunts of exertion and pain. They looked at each other with shocked faces that quickly turned into determined looks as they nodded in understanding. They bolted at high speed a towards the disturbance to assist in however they could.
-PP&LZ-
Pinkie Pie had grabbed Lemon Zests hand and ran all over the place, trying to show all of the school as quickly as possible at speeds that Dash and Zap would be jealous at. Zest didn't resist nor mind what this excitable girl was doing and giggled at her antics. She was glad that she had encountered a carefree spirit, thinking Crystal Prep had lacked any excluding herself and that her group of friends were a bit too serious for her at times. A question then popped into her mind and she yelled out to stop the pink blur.
"Yeah!?" Pinkie said innocently as she screeched to a stop, putting her hands behind her back and humming a tuneless song.
Zest almost slammed into Pinkie, but managed to stop before they collided. She found Pinkie's innocent actions to be a bit adorable and asked, "Dude, ya gotta tell me if this place has a rad music program, I can totally rock out one of them awesome electric guitars!"
"Of course we do! I'm the drummer of our band called the Rainbooms!" Pinkie answered excitedly.
"Dude, that is cool! You totally gotta allow me to listen to some of your guys' music sometime!" Zest requested. She was definitely liking this girl's company very quickly. She smiled as she realized that she might be a bit glad that Cinch expelled her. She was a bit bored of CPA’s ways of trying to be the best that they could possibly be. Maybe even their education programs would be a lot more fun to participate in too.
"Gasp, we totally should. Wanna be insta-quick besties?" Pinkie asked, extending her hand while writhing with anticipation.
"Totally, Pinks!" Zest answered, shaking Pinkie's hand while smiling at the prospect of a new friend.
Pinkie gasped at making a new friend and picked Lemon up into one of her Pinkie signature bone-crushing hugs. Zest didn't know how to respond to such a gesture because none of her friends have really hugged her before. She decided her best bet was to return the gesture so she hugged back. They stopped hugging when they heard grunts of exertion and pain. Pinkie and Lemon recognized them so Pinkie grabbed Zests arm and dragged her towards the disturbance.
-F&SS-
Fluttershy was a bit scared of Sour Sweet, remembering her outbursts and her complete 180's in her personality during the tricross relay. Twilight had once told her that Sour Sweet might've been diagnosed bipolar or that it's simply the way she chooses to act. Twilight also told her to be careful what you say or do around her as it might set her off. Why did her friends let her do this to begin with? Why did her friends have to make her try to make a new friend? She’d rather be in class or hanging out in the woods or taking care of the animal’s in the pet shelter than this.
"This place looks lovely!" sweetly commented Sour Sweet as she clasped her hands together before sourly adding, "Crystal Prep can suck it with their stupid sparkly crap."
Fluttershy tried to respond, but she couldn't think of what to say. Sour Sweet recognized the behavior, having dealt with it repeatedly back in Crystal Prep where she was feared. The only person who would ever be able to stand up to Sour was the Principal but that witch was no longer in control of her life anymore.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you," she sweetly assured before yet again sourly adding, "Unless you make me angry or defy me in any way shape or form."
"I-I'll try n-not to," Fluttershy stuttered, hiding behind her long pink hair.
"Oh, you poor little thing. I'll try to act more sweet around you," Sour Sweet promised, this time not adding a sour remark.
"T-Thanks," whispered Fluttershy, peeking out from behind her hair.
"I'll make you a deal; I'll be more sweet if I can teach you to be a bit more assertive, I don't want you to be afraid of me like everyone at my old school!" Sour Sweet nicely declared before sourly whispering to herself, "This oughta be so much fun."
They both then heard grunts of pain that Sour Sweet and Fluttershy immediately recognized. Sour Sweet silently swore to herself before grabbing Fluttershy's wrist and dragged the poor girl towards the disturbance. The tour that they didn’t really have could wait for next time.
-A&S-
Applejack walked around the school with Sugarcoat while repeatedly trying to get the girl to look like she was interested in something, but she would just input a blunt comment and look completely uninterested. AJ was all for truthful, but the way Sugarcoat acted was beyond that. She didn’t know why she decided to give this girl the tour but she did like the vibe she had over her other ex-Shadowbolt friends.
"So, are ya interested in anythin’ our school has ta offer?" AJ asked while stopping in front of the gym entrance, leaning against the door as she folded her arms.
"No," she said, stopping as well while giving the cowgirl a completely dull look. AJ looked at this girl and felt like she was put into a very similar situation before.
"Would ya care to elaborate?" the farmer asked.
"Is there any need to be more elaborate? I just plainly prefer Crystal Prep," she answered bluntly.
AJ couldn't tell whether to be shocked or offended so she went with the latter and said in a slightly aggressive tone, "And what's that suppost ta mean?"
"It means I prefer Crystal Prep because it had a much more wide variety of educational options," Sugarcoat answered, not at all deterred by the cowgirl’s growing glare.
"Well, ya sure don't like ta 'Sugarcoat' anythin', do ya?" AJ joked as she tried to lighten her own mood so her anger wouldn’t get the best of her.
"That was a pretty bad joke. You shouldn't use jokes like that in public."
"Could ya put that any more bluntly," AJ asked sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
Sugarcoat tapped her chin with her index finger in thought. She readjusted her glasses before looking back at AJ and replied, "No."
"That question was rhetorical and sarcastic," AJ pointed out. This girl was as bad as Pinkie when it came to sarcasm Applejack deduced. Hopefully she wasn’t just as literal.
"I'm not good at detecting sarcasm," she said as she looked away and began to study the posters that were hung on the wall. She noticed that their was a position available in the CHS Student Council and actually smiled.
"Ah can tell," AJ said as a smirk crawled over her features.
"Of course your can, I just told you," she said while raising an eyebrow.
Upon hearing this, AJ facepalmed. There was silence for a few minutes until AJ removed her hand from her face to see Sugarcoat's deadpan expression. AJ wished that face would adopt a different expression, but she knew that'll happen when pigs fly and can shoot lasers out of their eyes. She was about to continue their weird conversation until she heard familiar grunts.
Sugarcoat heard this as well and stated, "Zap has found a new punching bag again. She needs to take some anger management classes."
"Hey! That punchin' bag can punch back too ya'know; Ah shoulda known Dash might get into a fistfight with that gal. C'mon!"
The two turned around towards the fight and bolted as fast as they could towards it. Applejack was very quick, so she easily outran Sugarcoat who mumbled something underneath her breath as she followed the farmer.
-RD&IZ-
While the others fanned out to begin their separate tours of Canterlot High, Indigo Zap and Rainbow Dash stayed at the entrance; staring each other down. They both had the look of determination on their faces as they both knew that the other was very athletic and could hurt each other’s reputations.
"So, I heard you're the top dog in sports around here. Well, time to get out ta the way because Zap's in town to take you down a peg!" challenged Zap, a smile starting to appear on her face.
"Well, I say bring it. It's been awhile since I've had anyone but AJ to rival me in anything. Bet you'll only last two days tops!" Rainbow Dash challenged back, obviously not thinking of backing down from that seemingly intimidating smile the other girl had.
"Ha! You underestimate me. You may have your radical magic powers, but that don't mean squat to this girl!"
"Even without magic, I'd wipe the floor with you in any and all sports!"
With each word, they stepped closer and closer to each other until they came face-to-face. They stared intently at each other, hoping to intimidate each other into submission. They were totally determined to show up each other in any way possible. Some of the jocks that happened out of the gym saw this brewing confrontation and circled around it. They started chanting fight over and over again. CHS never had a fight (disregarding the usual magical conflicts) on school grounds before, but it looked like those days were gonna be long gone. Zap heard the chanting and smiled, thinking this was the way to take her Rainbow-haired opponent down a few pegs.
"So, do ya wanna fight! I'm a black belt in karate and I aced the self-defense courses. Oh, and I won't forget that I was #1 in wrestling."
"Big whoop, so have I!" Dash exclaimed, waving her hands in the air.
"I was the captain of every sports team at Crystal Prep!"
"Well, I'm CURRENTLY captain of every team here!"
"Well, I'm gonna make sure I take your place, Dashie!"
That one jab had finally set of Rainbow Dash as she yelled out, "THAT'S IT!"
It finally broke down; both girls girls at the same time threw wicked right hooks into the others jaw, followed simultaneously with left hooks. The spectator's gaped in disbelief at the fight unfolding in front of them, never expecting an actual fight to break out so they decided to cheer them on. When the cheering started, it only made the fight more intense as they started using karate fighting techniques. By the time the others reached the fight; both Dash and Zap were bloody and covered in cuts and bruises. They were about to break the fight up when a booming shout echoed from the lips of Vice Principal Luna. It instantly diffused the situation as both Zap and Dash stopped throwing punches and kicks.
"RAINBOW DASH AND INDIGO ZAP! GET INTO OUR OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!" yelled Luna as she pushed her way past the crowd and glared somewhat evilly at the two athletes. The girls looked at each other with worry written on their faces; with the exception of Sugarcoat who kept her deadpan expression and Sour Sweet who really didn’t care at all. As Dash and Zap walked towards the Vice Principal’s office with Luna in tow, they still kept glaring at each other. They knew that this was just the beginning. Dash smiled inwardly to herself. She hadn’t been this excited since AJ became one of her rivals. This was gonna be fun.
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This idea i can see them useing in the 4th EQG movie.
Okay, the premise is good but you have no flow whatsoever. The dialogue feels stilted and far too wordy for natural dialogue. The way they speak also feel unnatural - as if words are in the wrong spot or you are trying to explain too much in a piece of dialogue.
"Not to question her, but my logical brain can't stop doing so! Its still trying to figure out her Pinkie Sense and whatnot," replied Twilight.
"Well, I would try to stop it from doing so! It'll give you a headache and that's not very healthy for you, darling," said Rarity.
This sentence does not feel like a Twilight sentence but rather a "smart girl sentence telling us something to move the plot along." The sentences just don't feel natural when you say them outloud. A more realistic sentence is along these lines:
"I know, I know, don't question Pinkie Pie, but I can't help it. Nothing she does makes sense! There has to be a scientific reason for her so-called Pinkie Sense...Maybe if I ran some more tests --"
"Twilight, darling, please stop. You'll just give yourself a headache," Rarity said calmly.
loved the movie and eg in general. this story you have here sounds like a really great continuation of the movie! great idea, great job! can not wait for more!
6491841 Sorry, its just that I'm used to a lot of expositional onslaught and trying to get my point acrossed. I did change it a bit to feel more realistic, but I'm a lot better at writing Pinks since she is my favorite. Hope you'll enjoy the story.
6491731 I know, but I like to focus on singular events, but after we get passed the "Hey new people, let's be friends" part, there'll be a lot more
Due to some complaints to the prologue, I may in the future edit it if people want me too
This wasn't as bad as it could be. You still need to flesh out the Shadow Five a bit; give them a few more dimensions to their personalities. I also still think that you could do with more unspoken insight into the characters' thought-processes, particularly the Shadowbolts.
Don't be so quick to make them 'nice', either. Remember the poisonous nature of Crystal Prep's school culture - win at all costs. Also remember that they are private school girls coming into the public school system for possibly the first time. They might be genuinely afraid that the 'lower class' kids might be a threat to them. In any case, they'll be nervous about entering a new environment at the bottom of the heap and this could lead to them initially being defensive or conniving, planning to exploit the HuMane Seven.
Maybe you could do with having the Shadow Five quizzing Twilight about Canterlot High. Who are the king and queen of the school? Who should they suck up to, who should they avoid and who should they feel free to bully (more importantly, who should they make time to bully because it will improve their standing with the student body)? What about Twilight's group? Are they trustworthy? Will they protect them and, if so, at what cost? Homework or assignments? Even make-outs? It occurs to me that, if Sunset and Twilight are already drifting towards being an item, the Shadow Five might initially (and wrongly) assume that she's simply trying to seduce the gang's 'alpha' for added protection.
I suggest that you go to the MLP Wikia (mlp.wikia.com) and look at their articles on the Shadowbolts. It might give you some ideas for deeper characterisation.
6497488 I like to believe they undergone a lot of character development in the Friendship Games. Plus, also that seduction stuff kinda sounds stupid. I'm not gonna make them nice but I'm not gonna make them total jerks. Sure, Sour Sweet, Indigo Zap, and maybe even Sunny Flare will try to establish being "top dog" but the seven are gonna help them lose that in a realistic way (I hope). I don't know much about private schools though so that will affect my writing.
6497513
Private school's aren't much different than public ones. The main difference is the size of the student body.
6499591 OK, thanks. I just have never heard much about em
6500431
I also forgot to mention the discipline is more severe.
Okay I just saw a few things more here.
That should read jealous of. And then there is the bit about AJ being truthful, is should say AJ was all for being truthful. Also Vice Principal Luna doesn't talk in the really old ways. So that needs to be My office because it is separate from Principal Celestia's office. That's it though for any mistakes.