Prologue
"You are now hereby expelled from Crystal Prep because of your disrespect towards me, towards Crystal Prep property, and for your reckless behaviors. Now get out of my sight!" smirked Principal Cinch, holding files that held incriminating evidence of their "wrongdoings" at Crystal Prep.
Sunny Flare, Sour Sweet, Indigo Zap, Lemon Zest and Sugarcoat left Cinch's office and walked to their lockers. They knew that so-called evidence was fake, but there was no available way to make the School Board believe them. Principal Cinch still held as much influence as she had before, the tie with Canterlot High had barely affected her reputation. They grumbled as they removed their belongings from their lockers, which were conveniently next to each other. Once they gathered their stuff, they walked down the crystal halls and saw their once fellow students ignore them. They each sighed as they opened the entrance to their school and left. They knew their parents were going to be so ticked off, but because they were all good “pen-pals” with Cinch, they’d believe her word over theirs. As they walked away, they looked back and Crystal Prep and glared at the Principal who was smiling down on them from her office window.
"It was nice while it lasted," sweetly stated Sour Sweet until she adopted a scowl, crossed her arms and sourly added, "I hated it here anyway!"
"Whatever, this place was so completely unradical anyway, I like to stick with actual winners," growled Indigo Zap.
"At least we don't have to deal with a rotten principal who only cares for her own self-interest and reputation anymore and blackmailed Twilight into doing the thing that made her like that," bluntly stated Sugarcoat.
"Ah, dearie. Don't forget that we actually assisted in pressuring Twilight though we did atone by helping out," inputted Sunny Flare, putting her hand on Sugarcoat’s shoulder.
"Wait, dudes. What did you guys just say? I totally forgot to take off my headphones. These are pretty cool, I got them from that awesome DJ girl from Canterlot High," yelled Lemon Zest over her music.
"How about you actually take them off and listen to what we are saying, dearie!" Sunny Flare said.
"Oh yeah!" Lemon Zest yelled again as she turned off her music. Her eyes suddenly widened as she had thought of an idea. "Hey, that's an idea!"
Indigo turned around and shocked was written all over her face, "Wait! You have an actual idea? I don't know what this is, but it is totally unradical now!"
"I'm actually surprised as you are Zap, Lemon Zest never has any ideas, much less any good ones," Sugarcoat bluntly added.
"Yeah, why don't we all entertain and listen to Zest's spectacular idea!" Sour Sweet said nicely, then added with a dark tone, "I bet it is a sucks if it’s coming from her."
"Hey dearie, I actually want to hear our Zesty companion's idea so go on, spit it out," encouraged Sunny Flare as she faced the rocker girl.
"Thanks! I think we should totally attend and enroll at Canterlot High!" yelled Lemon, pumping her fist in the air. She knew her parents wouldn’t really mind and neither did she. It seemed like everyone at that school was pretty cool anyway.
The other girls had shocked faces that suddenly turned into angered ones and then Sunny Flare got in Lemon's face and angrily growled, "SERIOUSLY!?!?"
“What?” asked Lemon Zest, genuinely confused.
“Do you think our parents would even let us attend their anyway?” Sunny Flare started to rant. “CHS is never going to be on the same caliber as CPA. Our parents will probably make us move and attend some other stupid private school.”
“How do you know?” Zest accused as she pointed at Sunny.
“Because that’s what rich parents do!” Sunny exclaimed, her arms flailing in the air for dramatic effect.
“Jeez, when did you get huffy?” Zap asked towards Sunny. The girl turned around to face the athlete and was now breathing heavily, trying to control all her rage she had been building up. She was the leader of this group of theirs, she would not show any weakness nor break down. Her temper almost flared again as Zap’s frown turned into a smirk.
“Fine, we’ll try to convince our parents to enroll in CHS! Will that make you happy?” Sunny Flare asked Zest, retaining to her civilized posture. The girls looked at each other and nodded in agreement as they went their separate ways. What they didn’t know was that their parents were indeed willing to send them to CHS because of its new-found reputation.
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Maybe you should combine chapter 1 and 2 in some way, maybe with some filler in between to make it 1000 words to make it seem more natural. Otherwise, nice work so far!
I've decided to combine chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 since each were about 350 words and I decided that each chapter should be longer. Sorry for the inconvenience.
I probably would have stretched this opening out a lot - Maybe the Shadow Five's own internal reactions to the dressing-down Cinch gives them, maybe their concerns that their families will be disappointed (I get the impression that Crystal Prep is where all the high-achievers who go on to big things have their high school years) and fears about the future. I think it would be typical Crystal Prep that, by the time they get to their lockers, Cinch's sycophants amongst the students (probably at her indirect instructions) had already defaced them and destroyed the girls' property as a 'going away present' for a quintet of traitors.
I understand why you wanted to get this out of the way quickly but either here or in a first chapter you needed to do a lot of work to establish the Five's personalities in a lot more detail than Friendship Games did. Before we even get to them being taken on by CHS, we need to establish the characterisation of the Shadowbolts clearly.
Maybe such an 'introduction' chapter would be the appropriate moment for some unexpected characterisation quirks. Perhaps Indigo Zap's aggressive, assertive nature covers over a highly anxious personality or Sugarcoat has been hovering on the brink of expulsion anyway because she just can't stop telling faculty what she thinks of them. I do like the idea that Lemon Zest has been so involved in that groovy, rhythmic world of her own that she hasn't quite caught up with what is happening to her. That might be somewhere to go with the character in the future: She has great intelligence in her narrow fields of interest but, a bit like Rainbow Dash, can be a bit 'slow' outside of that, mostly because she simply isn't interested in it.
I'll keep watching for a while because I like the premise but I wanted you to know right out where I thought there were problems.
One thing bug with this, is that Principle Cinch can't give their parents (who likely paid a good amount for their kids to attend) the ACTUAL reason she's expelling. Refusing to back her up about seeing Canterlot High's magic and believing they'd used it to cheat, resulting in a tie.
That would put her in a corner.
6493402
I agree completely with everything you said here.
I'm surprised the five got expelled over the Friendship Games however. Since their parents likely paid a good deal for their children to attend. If Cinch can't give a concrete reason, they could likely sue her and the school. If she claims it was over magic, she'll look crazy. If she just throw 'disrespect' out there, the parents WOULD interrogate their kids, find out the truth likely, and likely claim that Cinch had gone overboard. She'd need a concrete excuse on Crystal Prep grounds to expel them.
Don't forget, Suri, Piercey, Fleur Dis Lee, and others were all present as well, and since Canterlot is still standing, it's likely ALL of students present followed the traitors' lead and chose to not support their principle. However expelling THAT many students would get WAY TOO MANY raised eyebrows. AND after losing her best student to their worst enemy, she can't AFFORD to toss out her smartest and strongest.
The only logical answer is that they were an EXAMPLE.
This sounds like a good story so far.
I noticed something that needs fixing here.
That should read "I bet it sucks if it's coming from her." Other than that nicely done so far.
Here's some help with the grammar:
That special a is not supposed to be there.
Other then that, great story so far!
I remember one story where Cinch is Sunny's mother.