It’s been a month since Principal Cinch was fired from Crystal Prep Academy, and things are looking bleak. In her absence, the school has split into two factions: the Defectors, a bunch of thugs who will fight for Cinch’s return by any means necessary; and the Changelings, enforcers for the newly appointed Principal Chrysalis. As insults, threats, and even fists fly between the two groups, it seems like Crystal Prep is ready to become a battleground.
Only the Shadowbolts, who witnessed the magic of friendship first hand, are willing to stand up to either group. But with tensions growing and more and more students getting hurt, can the Shadowbolts save their school and transform it into the utopia they know it can be? Or is Crystal Prep doomed to fall back into hatred and cruelty?
(This was an idea that I was inspired to write after doing a Roleplay with someone on this site.)
A great start to a possible great story. I'd like to see where this takes off in the future.
Ok this is going good. I would like to see more of this story in the future. Plus love the idea for what the Shadow five to wear.
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tl;dr: I recommend finding an editor to work with.
Disclaimer: What follows is not a full critique or complete review of the story. I don't have the energy for that today.
I am struggling to find something good to say about this story. You do, however, get points for decent (not impeccable) spelling and grammar. You get a few more points for the core of the plot at least being somewhat coherent.
The way Chrysalis and the changelings are set up doesn't make a lot of sense to me in a school setting, though (plus, armoured teenagers in school? Seriously?), and neither does the existence of the Defector group. I can't think of any way to make either one actually work well right this moment. Maybe it could have something to do with a split within the sports team clique over the outcome of the games and the players who were selected to compete, or something?
Starting the story with background that isn't super interesting and is almost entirely covered in the character dialogue later in the same chapter is both redundant and a good way to not hook readers. I'd ditch the background section, or make it say things that are important and non-redundant.
You overuse ellipses ("..."). In most cases, they should be replaced by commas or full stops.
There is very little characterisation of the Crystal Five (as I'm going to call them); from what you've shown so far, anyone could have spoken their lines and had the same effect. Two things that might help would be a) putting more of what the characters are thinking and feeling into the narrative, and b) giving each of the Crystal Five a different tone and way of speaking.
The above, among other things, is an example of questionable stylistic choices. Also, what you refer to as "an actual clock" is called an analogue clock. I would focus on removing redundant narrative statements; for example, I would remove "Later in the day" here because the passage of time is already marked, more strongly, by the time on the clocks. I would also re-examine some more... interesting... word choices and phrases, such as "a monitor in Crystal Prep's cafeteria" ("a" is implicitly non-specific).
It might also be good to examine whether there is a need for the digital clock at all; it would probably be easier and more effective to just say that the hands of the cafeteria clock indicated 12:50. For more flavour, consider whether the clock actually works, or if it's always X minutes ahead or stuck, e.g. "The hands of the clock hanging over the massive double-door of the cafeteria indicated 12:50. Nobody paid attention to it, though. The clock hadn't been fed a new battery in years, and it had ground to a final halt during lunch hour. According to Sugarsweet's digital watch, it was actually ten after noon."
Overall, I didn't hate this story, but it did nothing to draw me in, and it gave me no emotional investment in the characters.
6652799 Don't worry. I have an editor with me who would be glad to tell me how to fix it.
Also, thank you for your time in giving your thoughts.
6652799 Also, I am going to try and characterize them a little better in the upcoming chapters.
6652819
Okay. Just remember that a lot of people aren't going to get that far if the first few paragraphs of the first chapter don't hook them.
No thumbs given; rated Meh for the time being.
I like this. Consider this story tracked
This is really awesome! I really like how the shadowbolts are portrayed!
Will there be any physical fighting in this story?
6653425 That all depends. Do you want to see the Shadow Five being tormented by Defectors in future chapters?
This is so amazing! I love it!
I always love story with "civil war". Keep doing it! You're awesome!
6661373 Thank you.
I'm liking this so far, must read next chapter. like how you added in some lines from Kingdom Hearts. Now it only this base had some seasalt ice cream.
Simmons: Hey! Get off of my laptop kid!
Nighty: Oops, gots to go. *Flaps away.*
Oh boy, what is Rainbow Dash thinking? Can't wait to read the next chapter when I get the chance. Keep it up.
Where is Cadance in this mess (the Defector/Changeling conflict, I mean)?
WOW! This thrown so much information that now I have a brain pain.
This could get ugly very quick.
This can only end in disaster
I think Blueblood is the one they will need to convince the most if they are to keep their cover.
Legit hero Chrysalis. Track earned
One of them is definetly going to be exposed during this, there's no way all 12 of them can keep cover for too long...
Can't wait to see what happens next!
Cool headcanon.
That part of Rainbow was OOC. She would have helped them immediately.
6681174 You have to remember that these are the Shadowbolts who did defeat Canterlot High and humiliate them year after year. It's only right for Rainbow Dash to bear some sort of resentment towards them...
Okay so the plan is to get the mane 6 in as shadowbolts in CPA. Love the idea and can't wait to see what you do next.
Plus not to mention the emotions running through the Shadow 5 with all of them not wanting to be a defector or a changeling.
I guess Twilight doesn't actually know what an anarchist is.
Preparing for the greater battle ahead!
Okay this just now got interesting.
I always knew Starlight was trouble!
This made me remember why I wanted Blueblood and Starlight beheaded.
6730067 Fun Fact: I portrayed Blueblood and Starlight in a similar matter to Goh Min and Goh Xiulan; the brother and sister leaders of the 54 Immortals in Call of Duty: Black Ops 3's Campaign. And in a similar manner, Red Letter was portrayed similarly to Danny Li, the informant of that very same gang that you and Hendricks take shots with at the start of Mission 4: Provocation.
6729985 Just wait until the later chapters...
6730973 are these defectors follows fascism or some kind of authoritarianist ideals?
6730973 religious education huh? i guess this could end very bad.
Defector : King Blueblood, we're facing heavy resistance in the RE room! but it's not from a Changeling!
Blueblood : Is it the Rainbooms?
Defector : No! it's a foreign Male exch-
Unknown Assailant : Qul yaa ayyuhal Kafirun, Laa 'abudu wa ta'budun, Walaa antum 'aabiduna ma a'bud, Walaa' 'ana abidumma abattum, Walaa antum 'aabiduna ma a'bud, Lakum dinukum waliyadin ! (Say: Oh you who turn away !, I do not worship what you worship, nor do you worship what I worship. And I will not worship what you worship, Nor will you worship what I worship.
Your way is yours, and my way is mine.)
silly defectors, thought they could mock a man's religion.
then, on the side note. i guess i've heard that lose-lose situation, where the principal would be K.Out if the school loses 40% of the students. care to give me where did you get this idea? and last, nice BO III referrence brah. keep writing it, and let's hope it wouldn't end up in all-out school warfare.
6734070
It just came to me. Nothing more, nothing less.
6734070
Remember what Starlight coined: Everypony should be equal. Everyone is still entitled to their religious beliefs, but all believe that discipline and order must be held in the hands of a different principal.
6734431 hey i have another question, if Blueblood -(is he russian, because the merch has a vladimir surname on it?)- and Starlight knew about the Rainbooms beforehand, disregarding starlight's comment about her already eyeballing them, is there's any possibility of a mole among the Changelings or someone from them went rogue just like Taylor's team?
6740657 Blueblood definitely isn't russian, according to both the show and to the fandom. And as for Starlight, the girls did not know that she knew them, therefore making the comment about her eyeing them up valid.
Finally, no, I'm not one for ripping off games in my stories. But I will say that Starlight, Blueblood, and the Defectors will finish what Cinch could not.
I think that it is good that this story takes place at Crystal Prep and we get to see some character development of the main five over there. I am enjoying this fan fiction. Keep on writing. I can't wait to see where it heads in future chapters. :)
Just read the three chapters. I think they were great. Hope to see more soon.
6743598 What did you think of Fudge Numbers?
Aww. Fudge Numbers is adorable!
6744316 I think Fudge Numbers is a great character.
Fudge is cute.
Wait, how many legs does she have again?
How many schools did he graffiti again?
Should be know.
I believe into is the correct term.
Cut out the "hear a".
Enjoying the fic so far.
6758941 Wow! I didn't see these before.
Thanks for letting me know.
6759680
No problem. Sometimes my mild OCD comes in handy.
Might wanna fix that at the beginning with Sugarcoat and Indigo...in CANTERLOT HIGH? uhh...strange.
6761249 Why did I miss that?!
Also, did you see Red in this new chapter?