• Member Since 10th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

flawlessvictory20


Comments ( 70 )

Dat was hawt MOAR!:pinkiehappy:

~ this is gold 11/10 well done

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6435486
Thanks. To be honest this was my first attempt at a rape clop fic. So thank you for even reading it:twilightsmile:

Congrats on making only the second Human X Upper Crust fic I've ever read. This particular paring is damn rare!

6435613 :twilightoops:really? What's the other one?

6435628

Honestly, I can't remember the name. It was a single chapter in a whole collection of humanXpony clopfics. If I ever find it again, I'll send you a link.

Although I don't like rape this isn't the " I'll take your virgininty and get you pregnant " rape fic and she ended up liking it anyways so it's not the kind of rape I abhor, although all rape is bad. Anyways, great first attempt!

Comment posted by Derpys Muffin Dealer deleted Sep 18th, 2015

I like the idea, but you need to send this through a proofreader or two and slow down the pace a bit.

That was fun. Would have liked more details and a little bit longer sex scene. More build up would have been great too. I think you have a really nice story here, it just needs a little more polish and love. But over all, i really enjoyed it. Thank you. :twilightsmile:

Ok, after reading through this a bit, I don't think it's really all that good. As happy as I was to see this pairing, it could really do with some touching up. I hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna do a very quick review.

First off, the overall concept is pretty good. The whole humans being let into Equestria and one of them is a servant for the rich of Canterlot thing is a really good idea for the story, so you got that down well enough. My biggest gripe is everything else.

There's a lot of telling and not showing in this story. Literature is an art form composed of words, not colors or angles. Don't just tell us what is happening, show us using your words. For example.

As you saw her you felt an immediate attraction to her. The way she walked in with such flair, gave you goosebumps.

Don't just tell us about the attraction. Paint us a picture using your words. For instance, the above sentences could done like this.

As your eyes graced her presence, your heart started beating faster and your stomach immediately began to flutter. It was the way she walked, sashaying her hips and holding her chin high, saying to all who saw her "I'm above you".

Another thing. The dialogue feels unrealistic and very robotic. They all speak and say things in ways that nobody would. I highly recommend getting people to help with that aspect. Perhaps ask others to take a look at the dialogue before the story's posting.

Also, I hate to say it, but the main character is a ginormous idiot. For example, when he sees Upper Crust.

There, inside her own personal chambers, was Upper Crust pleasuring herself. As she lay on the loveseat, she was lost in pleasure as she magically thrusted her seven inch rubber phallus into her marehood.

He thinks.

You soon realized that this information would be quite useful for blackmail,

How? I mean, really, how? What information? The fact that she masturbates? How is that blackmail material? Masturbating is hardly a taboo concept. How is that such a tantalizing, taboo secret worthy of blackmail? If anything, Upper Crust should blackmail him for being a peeping tom. Seriously, you can go to jail for that shit.

There's also the fact that the human is using pony curse words. Like substituting bucking for the word fucking. Don't do that. It really makes it hard for others to take the story seriously when they see that and it just plain looks silly.

I think that maybe you should try to put a little more into this. Like I said, the concept is really good, but the execution is quite flawed. I also recommend asking people for help. There are several groups on this site dedicated to helping authors increase their skills and get better at their craft.

Oh, so fucked up. Can not deny she deserved a little bit of it.

6436308 thanks for the critique. This was a first for me so I can take this and apply it in future projects:twilightsmile:

I feel so dirty and I love it! :rainbowwild:

“I’m sorry my mistress, but I’m afraid I can’t do that,” you coldly responded.

6438381 yes!:rainbowlaugh: I was hoping someone would've got that reference:derpytongue2:

6438708 you....you sir/madam are awesome!:pinkiehappy:

6438717 I'm a guy, and thanks!

6435577 ~ I wouldn't call this a rape fic .. Sure Upper Crust was hesitant at first but as soon as she made the wager for her freedom and failed she gave consent .. I.e no more rape just really kinky dom / sub clopfic ...
I also agree with Zakari .. This story did have its faults , I'm my opinion you could do a second draft of this with more added to it, although it was a good read as is .
just my opinion ...plz don't hate meh :fluttershbad:

You need better editors :pinkiesick:

Why does Upper Crust not have a group? I just realized that she didn't.

6440232 ikr. I'm really shocked she doesn't either

6438834 hmm...I just might do a second draft.:duck: when I have time.

I thank you for your opinion

An absolutely wonderful and beautifully crafted piece. I have been yearning to read what its like to have the tables turn on the mistress. You have just sated my needs and for that, I congratulate you.

6441332 ~ I'm just saying that I've read fics with up to 15k words that the majority was sex ... Imagine what kind of story this could/would be building depth and more clop for all :yay:yay
-TROLLESTIA APPROVES !! :trollestia:

6441603 I'm glad I was able to accomplish that :pinkiecrazy:

Good story and BEST AUTHOR'S NOTES EVER!!!

This was actually quite good.

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Thank you for taking the time to read it

6447568 Across the stories of yours I've read you always seem to have the same variety of issues.

this was a fun read

I felt as if you were carrying the finest of Saddle Arabian silk.

Nice to see the author offering an opinion, even though I feel like that was a mistake...

6448344
I don't know about the other stories however, in this one. There seems to be a lot of sentences with ether missing words or wrong ones. I know I have the same problem.
for example:
act 1:
- As you heard the mare call for your presence, to [you] begrudgingly rolled off the couch you were on and headed to the main foyer. As you made your way to the source of the voice, you already knew that it would be for something stupid.
wrong word

- As she ushered you in, you took [in] the exquisite decor. The walls were made from the finest marble, the tiled floors of ivory, the many paintings and vases carefully placed in precise locations.
missing word (unless not only is he a great butler but a damn good cat burglar)

- You stood at attention, [as you] the pale olive mare gave you the once over.
awkward sentience. shouldn't it be:
As you stood at attention the pale olive mare gave you the once over.


- “Well, it will require you to [use] manual labor on a daily basis and you would also need to be willing to handle any given order,” he explained.
missing word

there are multiple points in the story where you didn't use a possessive when you should.
example:
act 2:
- With a courteous bow, you greeted [you/your] employer.
wrong word

It's not going to stop the enjoyment of the tale but it does make the reader stop for a minute to understand what you're trying to convey. I'm not a pre-reader by any means. The only reason I could catch this many is because I use a text to speech app to read these stories. (iSpeak/chrome extension)

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:facehoof: ugh... Thanks you for those I'll correct them

6450561
well if you're going to correct them. here is the others in act 2 I found:

- With a courteous bow, you greeted you [your] employer.
wrong word (already pointed out)

- “Now, I have something important for you to do me [for you],” she spoke with her normal smug demeanor.
why is this here?

- “The day has completely wore me out. Can you please carry me to my room?” she asked, with [a] bat of her eyes.
missing word

- You then began your trek to the master bedroom. Along the way, you couldn’t help but notice the softness of her fur. I [You] felt as if you were carrying the finest of Saddle Arabian silk.
wrong word (already pointed out)

- “I apologized, my mistress. It won’t happen again,” you spoke, as [you] partial [partially] bowed your head.
missing word or wrong word
could be:
Partially bowing your head, you spoke, “I apologized, my mistress. It won’t happen again”.
(edit: see even I get this wrong :-) This is why I'm not a pre-reader )

- As you turned to head down the hall, you’re greeted be[by] Jet Set.
wrong word

- “Well, we’ve been though [through] twelve other personal butlers for my lovely wife, and each one quit after first few weeks. But you’ve weathered the fierce storm that is my dear Upper Crust,” he spoke with a little laugh. “It’s something quite admirable.”
wrong word

- You started to think that maybe the way she treats you is just her was [her way] to express affection. But you quickly laugh it off.
missing words

Again nothing to stop the reader just slows them down.
Good luck

6450632 ugh...I thought I caught them all:fluttershysad::facehoof:

Thanks again

I have to say without a doubt this was the best servant master rape/sextime fic I've read thus far. You have earned my follow. :coolphoto:

I must know where did you get the inspiration for this?:twilightsmile:

6451506 really? Thanks:twilightblush:

Well, it came mostly from a pick I found online (the cropped image for the cover art). I felt a need the challenge myself and write something outside my comfort zone. And the rest is history.:twilightsmile:

this fanfic made me a fan of slave fanfics

:moustache:

nothing to see here

6454150 Can you make a sequel with another "owner" lets say.......Luna????

:pinkiecrazy: :derpytongue2:

6454353 I have a sequel in mine for Upper Crust and servant (mostly thanks to Robinebra)

Lulu you say
i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/gleraeeeeveluo49qyxb.gif

6454477 I had an idea about a servent dominating Lulu making her his "pet" but I cant write this sort of stuff

:derpytongue2:

I have the oddest sense that Jet Set was in on this...

6455269
I kinda agree with you there; feels like he was the one who provided the rope and amulet.

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