• Member Since 10th Mar, 2012
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flawlessvictory20


Comments ( 155 )

Follow 'you' and Zecora in your quest to find your memories, and perhaps maybe even more

Fuckin hell, author. Why not just put "And they're gonna fuck while they do it!" ?

5068321

he kinda did, it was subtle.

5068321

They probably meant finding Jesus

5068332 At this point in fimfics history, adding "And maybe even more" is about as subtle as shoving a frozen dildo up my you know what :/

5068340

its still a degree of subtle :rainbowwild:

5068360 You better watch you mouth, brah :/

5068364

i cant help it! its a curse really. :raritydespair:

Only thing I hate is the perspective. "You do this" really turns me off of a story >.>

can't wait to see what happens next

Well…that is a start, you know I have being thinking about an idea after reading the war of the worlds and how we adapt and all that and I was wondering, if a human end on Equestria…would their blood be venomous? I mean its a complete different environment, so our blood is pretty much alien to them.

Also, our speciality is adapt, would that mean that is possible that in Equestria that could increase? maybe even turn us into Darwing from the X men movies?

Anyway its look like they are on a real jam, how Nito will escape this one, will he gain conscience long enough to save her zebra friend? or the manticore will had a alien and zebra breakfast? I don't know but I hope they survive the next chapter

We need more Zecora love

5068787

2nd person. It seems like 99.9% of HiE fanfictions use this. It gets a little tired, like when the main character is called Anon.

5069404 Zecora can go fuck herself.

5069619 What IS anon? is it just Anonymous? As in, could be anyone?

5068948

depends on the environment, if its earth like then no, our blood would not be poisonous. changes in O2 levels in the atmosphere would also determine how well we could breath which would lead to how well we can run as soon as we showed up. low O2 we would need a good solid month to acclimate to the lower levels, too high and we would basically pass out. the real problem would be foreign virus and microbs. our body never encounters something and we might die trying to stave off infection. would be an awful death.

5070159

Yes, kinda. I think that it was started by people posting stories made on 4chan starring you, "Anon(ymous)", which is the name of every user there as it is a completely anonymous website (no profile needed). After that I think people just started slapping "Anon" on their humans and saying "LOLOL ITS ANONYMOUS LELKEK AUTOMATICALLY 420% fFUNNY XD." Now I think it's something people just do because they don't want to give their characters a normal name, and I guess it's supposed to make it easier for people to assume the role of "You" (it's a bit jarring reading a story where my name has been changed to "Josh" or "David" or whatever. But then again my name isn't "Anon" either).

Correct me if I'm wrong anybody, but this is what seems to be the case as far as I know.

5070188
Yeah but think of our body, we had a coctel of BILLIONS of germs and virus that are more or least harmless to us, but alienated to Equestria, if not our blood our skin could might as well be toxic, yeah we will ha problems adapting yeah…but that its my point.

Think of a cutie mark it represent what ponies are good at right? well if that place make ponies exploited what they are good all to a level so high it physically show, imagine what would it do to us if we are expose to that kind of magic, in the air. Our special talent is adapt, on extreme zones right? well what is more extreme than a place were magic rules laws of physic? It will force us to exploit our special talent and our special talent is adapt, ergo we will adapt even faster maybe to a inhuman speed.

But hey, is just a theory a fanfic theory

I want more Zecora.

5071190
Don't you pay attention on biology? We are on a way a coctel of BILLIONS of germs and virus that are pretty much harmless to us, from years and years of evolution

5071394
Now…what would happen if say germs and virus enter a place that doesn't know them?

well that escalated quickly liking it so far




stay classy:moustache:

5071401

The same thing that happened to the Natives when the Europeans came to America?

5071646
Exactly! he can intoxicated all animal…or plant that try to attack him and ergo the forest will leave him alone.

And because of the magic in the air or whatever it is that make ponies expose and exploit their talent can force him to evolve very fast, to survive, the mount he need or even got pass out his body could enter like in some kind of self defense mode or something and after waking up he will be prepare to confront Equestria…again just a theory

So much editing needed man

5070460

good arguments but you gotta be careful, we dont fully know the environment of the planet, if its earth like then we are pretty much golden. but the special talent thing could pose a problem. also we dont know if magic is subverting the laws of physics, cause everything in that show is possible just alot of it requires energy that we cant even manufacture yet. teleportation, levitation, astral body control, all of that requires energy we just dont have the means to control that level of energy.... yet.....

5071975
That its why we need time, if the gravity is higher or lower than us both scenarios mean we will need like a mount to adapt, speed adapting or not, so after that mount our body COULD possible had the resilient to resist the magic atmosphere and the fact that we are expose to that doesn't mean we will be able to cast it, be resistant or even like so much other had done immune to it? yeah that COULD happen, but cast it? Its like a ballon with air to exploit fire when it pops, without external help.

You know like griffons or Minotaurs we will had some talent or a characteristic on us, but not magic, at best we will had telekinesis, pirokinesis and possible telepathy because of our brains are use to advanced (just a stretch) at best.

Its a theory, but we will had a sword (our brain) and our shield (our ability to adapt) to depend on us, that is what I wish more authors do instead of put 'oh humans are weaker, ponies are superior, the end, or the other side of the coin and make them ultra powerful without reason.

I say…if a human ends in Equestria and try to be fair, put some effort on how, right? so…in my opinion humans without help can't cast magic…but be able to counter it or be immune is possible…and even if not we are not defenseless we are not the weakest they are, we survive one way or another.

At least that is what I think will happen

I have a question and a statement. The statement, ZECORAAA!!!:raritycry: The question, WHYYYY?!:raritydespair:

5072610 To get you to read more of course. :rainbowwild:

Hrm... :trixieshiftleft: Well, I'll see where it goes.

aaaaaye, that escalated faster than I could have ever expected.

After offering you shelter you discover you have no memory of how to the forest.

And with that sentence I know to expect a grammatical level on par with "The Spiderses".

:trollestia:

As your eyelids began to get heavy, the world then fades into darkness.

Um... and they both got eaten and the manticore merrily digested them. The end?

:trollestia:

Dat ending doh.

Another brutal review from yours truly! This time, I shake my head in shame at the commenters as well!


So I've literally been sitting here trying to figure out what I can really say about this fic. I guess I should start with my disappointment with the commenters of this story. Usually comments are read to gauge how a story is, yet only a single person took the time to post a comment and it was only about the story needing some edits. However, I'm not like most people here on Fim. So sit back and prepare to get the blunt truth about this fanfic from someone who writes them and generally understand what it takes to make a decent fic.

So what can I say about this fic that has not been said? Well, to put it simply for any possible readers out there. This story is lacking in writing, characterisation, as well as proper editing. If you like second person Gary Stu mannikin power fantasy fics, well, this fic is for you! Let me start off by stating that I couldn't even get past a few paragraphs before I had to step away from the pc and bash my skull into a wall. So how does this all start? Well it starts with you, you suddenly end up in Equestria. Not only that, but you're in a forest. Which forest you ask? Well, I'm pretty sure you can guess.

So yeah, the start is very cliche. I felt my eyes roll when I read this but was willing to continue to see what happens. It does not get better ladies and gentlemen. We continue the tropes as a sudden pack of wild parasprites appear! Oh, wait. Did I say parasprites? Sorry, that would've been original. No, it was a pack of Timberwolves. Sorry everyone!

So how do you act after waking up in a forest you've never been in, at night, while it's raining and a pack of wooden wolves are looking to eat you alive?

“Yeah, that's about right,” you deadpanned.

Well, you're Gary Stu! You react to it as if it's nothing more than an inconvenience!

Ok, ok.. Maybe that's just a little comical relief to the dire situation you are facing?

“Damn these things are fast,” you said, as you attempted to increase you speed.

Maybe not.

One last chance. Maybe it's the adrenaline or something? Surely if he were to be put in a situation he couldn't possibly win, he would react, right? R-Right?!

“Well, if I going down. I'm going down fighting. So, bring it on!”

Oh, yeah.. Gary Stu.. Almost forgot. He is a badass after all. Death means nothing to this guy.

Yeah, so that's only the first few sentences I might add. What else happens within a short time frame? Well, suddenly a hooded being comes and saves him. He maybe Gary Stu, but he sadly isn't in his final form, yet. So he needs to be saved by what happens to be a zebra. So, yeah. Waking up in a new world to find a new intelligent species. He definitely reacted to this, hell, every human would.

“Y-You're a zebra...” you muttered a little dumbfounded.
“Why yes am, this is true,” she gracefully answered. She then looked you over. “But what in Equestria are you?”
“I'm a human being. What else would I- Wait, Equestria?”

:facehoof:

That's where I had to stop. I couldn't stomach anymore. This is not even taking into account the errors that riddle this fic like swiss cheese. You know a story has a problem if I of all people actually point out that there are grammar errors. This fic needs more than five editors to clean up the mess you will find inside. Literally everything is written in the past tense. Hell, I have this problem, but I've never seen it at this level before. I actually felt myself cringe every few sentences.

Alright. Enough of this brutal stuff. Time to get results! What can you do Mr.Author to improve this fic? You seriously need to find an editor. It seems you and your co-writer are not native speakers of the english language. Neither am I, but you seriously need some help with this. Not only that, but you need to make these plastic characters into living and breathing creatures. The very few sentences I read made me feel as if I was just reading a crappy power fantasy, wish fulfillment fic. Also looking at the tags, I can accurately assume he will probably sleep with Zecora either by the end of this chapter, or at the latest, chapter 3. Again, I haven't even finished this chapter. I can't finish this chapter. I actually feel pain when I read this.

So, that's my two bits on the matter. I honestly don't think I will ever give this fic a thumb up, it just seems to be another one of those tropes that pops up every now and then with poorly written characters and Gary Stu action. All I can say author is good luck, because you're going to need it.

5077256 Thanks for that honest critique. It's a shame you couldn't get through the whole chapter, but hey everyone has a their own opinion.

5077256

Okay, but seriously, Salsav, you're a good writer. I like many of your stories, and I'll admit that your writing experience trumps mine, any day of the week. Hell, in my opinion you are the only one I can think of right now that has done a proper Pinkie Pie x Human romance fic, Pretty in Pink, and is the one example that I show people that there DOES exist good Pinkie romance, rather than random and silly clop that she is usually in.

HOWEVER, that doesn't excuse the fact that you're being a total ASSHOLE right now. Okay, I get it, you're reviewing the story and are pointing out the flaws within it and it is far from perfect. But you had to go a ruin it and take a step further, throwing in harshly condescending and astronomically hurtful statements within it as well. Then you had to take ANOTHER step further in bringing in other readers and those who've commented into it. I used to respect you, man, revere you for your writing and was formerly a proud follower of you (until now).

Also, again, I get it. The truth hurts, and we all have to face brutal critiquing at some point or another. But you are basically taking a disciplinary beating, but also saying that we're worthless and kicking us while we're down. The people wanted Zecora, and they're going to get it, because that's what they asked for. Fluttershyone and I are more than happy to give it to them. We are aware of the flaws, and we are going to fix as many as we can.

Now, this is the part where I... "thank" you for the review, show you my favorite finger: clipartbest.com/cliparts/7ca/Kz8/7caKz8yzi.jpeg

and bid you a good day.

5077373

As far as I'm concerned he, was being kind with his choice of words.

Don't take this the wrong way either buddy, but if there's problems galore with this fic (and this is the part where I end up an asshole), don't you think you should do a better job, or get more experience under your belt? *prepares self for backlash*

That aside, It's awesome that you're willing to help someone with editing and what-have-you, I volunteer my help on a regular basis and am currently helping edit for three stories. The thing above all that annoyed me is the goddamn indentations. You either want them, or you don't. It doesn't matter if you choose not to, but if you're going to use indentations then you want to indent the beginning of every line/paragraph EVERY TIME. It's the consistency that made me stop reading.

5077373

I used to respect you,

You think your respect means anything to me? I guess you've never heard of satire before? The entire point to my "brutal review" is to be extremely blunt, demoralising and even antagonising. I do this to give the author the real facts, while also expressing the more literal and even imaginary anger a reader may have towards the story. I exaggerate things, yet all of it is still largely true. Many authors have actually rapidly improved thanks to these reviews.

and was formerly a proud follower of you (until now).

You won't see me crying about that. If you're too narrow minded to see the help i'm posting, good riddance.

5077533 Like I've said before, I GET that you're try to help. I will take most of it to heart. But Christ man, a lot of the things you said were way too out of line. Also, I like how you've pretty much focused on those two things, and nothing else I said, and plus why WOULD you want to come across as antagonizing and demoralizing (being extremely blunt I can understand) other than to be a dick?

5077541
That's an opinion. Honestly I've helped starting writers with many of their fanfics. I don't see myself above anyone else, but that doesn't however mean that I don't know more than others. Rather than giving me the finger and trying to make me care about a lost follower, you could've asked me to help you guys edit the story. To which I probably would've accepted. However, seeing at how passionately you're taking this. You wouldn't even take my suggestions to heart anyways.

As I said before to the author *Who took the review better than you I might add*. Good luck, I'm not coming back to respond to anymore posts from this story.

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