• Member Since 10th Mar, 2012
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Comments ( 104 )

Not at all a bad story, you should keep writing. And if you need constructive criticism you can count on me:twilightsmile:

Would it be possible that it could be a sequel if he really had on such a bad shape Celestia must REALLY felt terrible for the treatment her subject give to him even AFTER her intervention, and maybe she wish to make it up to him in some way

hint, hint wink wink :trollestia:

4932905 lol thank you

4933026 thanks

4933083 l wasn't really planning a sequel, but that may give me an idea for a Tia story

Great job I'd say. :pinkiesmile:

Definitely keep writing more.

Oh a Tia story?…proceed? Is that possible this story will involve a human and her?

Interesting, interesting…can't wait to read it if it came to life

You tried to tell them you were friendly, but ll the did

but all they did

You then slid off you floatie

slid off your flotie

By her moans

i think you mean "From her moans" (but i'm confused with that one)

pretty sexy story, but really it has some awful typos ...
please give it a read again... anyway upvoted!

Is it possible you could do a Twilight Sparkle x 2nd Person Human clopfic?

Sorry if it looks like I'm trying to force work on you. You're just such a great writer!

4934819 Hmm...Twily huh?:applejackunsure: Hmm, that might be doable

4935193 Thank you thank you thank you! :twilightsmile: :facehoof:

I should probably calm down.

I don't mean to sound mean, but I just do not like 2nd Person fanfiction. If it's well written, then it's fine, but when the character starts doing things the reader would never do/say, immersion broken...because if I'm right, this is imagining you doing it with rarity.

So, this was a public pool? I assume so, at first I was worried that there were other ponies there, but then I remembered they don't the human so he probably cleared the place out just by showing up. I imagine a lot of ponies nearby heard Rarity though, boy is she going to be embarrassed.

This was pretty good, as far as clopfics go.

4936316 Everyone is entitled to their own opinion I guess:applejackunsure: I won't lie the idea for the fic did come from a dream I had

4936374 Who says I am :pinkiecrazy:

4936435 It was a public pool. And yes the ponies still fear 'you'. And yes I would image that Rarity would be quite embarrassed if the others heard her.:ajsmug:

4936512 Thanks. I glad you liked it:pinkiehappy:

4936740 Damn having a dream about doing Rarity. I think everybody had at least one of those.

:applejackconfused:I think I got, but to make sure, let's run thought it again:yay:

4936740 I don't think there is any if about it, I'm sure some ponies would have heard her. Even if 'you' cleared out the pool cause nopony wants to be near you, there would have been ponies nearby, close enough to hear I reckon. The worst part is they'd know she was having sex with 'the human' (*gasp* the horror). I can't imagine that doing anything good for her reputation, poor thing.

I have to say this story just feels so carbon copy to all the others I have read... random dude get's teleported to Equestria for unknown reason. Random dude scares away all the ponies and gets tossed in jail by Celestia then gets released to live in Ponyville, and then falls in love with the one of the mane 6. Random dude has a raunchy sex scene with said mare, and somehow is able to cum twice in rapid succession (because we all know the mare has to always jack random dude off or give him a blowjob first :ajbemused:) For being your first attempt into the clop genre it just feels bland and uninteresting.

Not that its terrible... It's just doesn't really stand out.

4938239 I knew that. I mean, I've never seen a clopfic writer that was female.:eeyup:

4938255 too true. Btw love the name and avatar

Well.....there is one writer. But she's not that good.

Thanks bra.

4938230 Just an honestly opinion. Hope it help you in future endeavors.

4938349 thanks for that. I'll try to keep that in mind.

One thing that irritates me about the beginning to pretty much all of these stories is that they make the initial reaction to the main character completely and utterly ridiculous. I mean, just look at this nonsense:

You tried to tell them you were friendly, but all that did was land you in the dungeon to await judgment.

What? :ajbemused:

Rather than sentencing you to death, as many of the ponies wanted, she instead granted you freedom on the contingency that you report to her every week about your life in Equestria.

Rather than sentencing you to death, as many of the ponies wanted

What!? :rainbowhuh:

Why? Why are the ponies suddenly complete freaking monsters? There's no reason for them to react that way, there's no explanation given as to why they'd react that way, and it's completely tossed aside in the same paragraph. I know the OOC (or meta) reason is to make the readers feel sorry for the main character and just as a way to show that things got better, but considering none of it should have happened in the first place it just makes it feel incredibly out of place. You could have just as easily said they were nervous at first, but then opened up to him after learning that he wasn't a monster of some kind. This crap about tossing him in a dungeon and wanting to kill him is just insane.

Sorry for the rant, but it seriously annoys me how all of these "Main character shows up in Equestria, gets tossed in a dungeon by ponies who suddenly want to murder him, but then he's freed by Celestia and lives with them and things get better" stories have that middle part where the ponies suddenly have a 180 flip in personality for no reason at all.

Pretty nice story, but there are some things you may want to edit.

It had been five months since that fateful day when you found yourself in the middle of strange town.

I think that I word is missing, possibly "a".

As you walked through the town to your surprise filled with talking pastel ponies.

This part kinda bugged me, it feels like a fragment, that there should be more dialogue to make it something like, "As you walked through the town (to your surprise, filled with talking pastel ponies) Insert additional text here. But that could just be me.

As you tongues battled for dominance, you once again began to knead her supple flank.

That should be "your".

“Let's lose those bothersome swim trunk.”

That should be "trunks".

She then place her other hoof around your rod, and with one swift motion took in you whole member in her mouth.

That should be "placed" and "your".

As the kiss ended, you looked into her eyes and saw not just the carnal lust but the longing for you the pleasure her.

This is another 'might just be me' thing, but I think that should be "to".

“And I will be sure ti give you some more 'poolside service',” you said with a wink.

And that should be "to'. I hope to see more good stories from you in the future.

I think this is in relation to how people think our world would react to a sapient species suddenly popping up. It does feel like a lack of foresight in the case of Equestria since there are a lot of sapient species instead of just one (regardless of whether they've seen it or not). Personally, I see the worst case scenario as you scare the crap out of them and they avoid you like they did Zecora or they send guards to question you rather pointedly.

4940604 Found and correct:ajsmug:
Thanks for the heads up:pinkiehappy:


I think this is in relation to how people think our world would react to a sapient species suddenly popping up.

First of all, I think it's debatable that the first thing we'd do to a nonhuman sapient causing no trouble and asking (in a language we understand) for help, but I digress. Second of all, why would these stories have the ponies act like we would when the context is so massively different (they have multiple sapient races there, we don't)? Like you said, it feels like an enormous lack of foresight. I know it was just an excuse to get him with Rarity as quickly as possible, but when you have such a massive SoD breaking moment at the very start it kind of makes the rest harder to read. Like I said in my comment, the worst part is that none of it was needed. The author could have just as easily said that they were nervous of him, and while they didn't outright hate him or anything it took Rarity to get them comfortable with him.

Still, I guess in the end it doesn't really matter. That was just the setup which, for most of these stories, is pretty vague.

Darn, I was hoping they would be caught in the act.

Still, very romantic, it has my like.

4946376 I was planning on doing that, but I decided against it

Good, but you might want to change the description just a tad. Never use the phrase, "one thing led to another". Needs a bit more description. :twilightsmile:

Fluttershysone. with this story. you have gained a follower. ME

4949235 Ur story too is awesome :yay::pinkiehappy:

This is your first clop fic? You had me fooled.

Great job.. enough said.

Damn! This is HOT!!! :pinkiehappy:

Good Luna, I don't normally use this kind of terminology, but that image tag is one of the hottest things I've ever seen. :rainbowderp:

Welp, that`s 4 minutes of my life wasted on reading comments.:applejackunsure:

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