- Member Since 11th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2021
Gypsy Writefag
I mainly write smut and some occasional PG-13 stuff.
Gypsy Writefag
Joined 11th Aug, 2013 ·
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Rarity Belle stars in: 2 Sick 2 Fuck (2)
3498558
Sweetie Belle stars in: 2 Young 4 Me?: The Prequel
love this
Love every bit of this
Rarity lets go of your neck and begins sliding downwards. "The best cure for a fever, darling -" She trails her hoof down your stomach. "- Is some good, old vitamin D."
Snrk.... Pah hahaha!
*Falls to knees* MUST... HAVE... MORE!!!!!!!
Wow, thanks for the extremely positive reactions. It means a lot to me!
MOAR!!!
More?
poor spike
3500803
It's okay, Rarity does have a younger sister, after all.
3500810she should get busy then
I really enjoyed the premise here. I know what it's like to be sick. It's a helpless and miserable time and you might seek out any comfort you can. You might cry or whimper or beg for cuddles or a bowl of chicken soup. I've been there, so the thought of someone turning to sex in the middle of being sick is both kinda gross and kinda understandable. It's a bittersweet notion. I like it.
I wish there was a deeper exploration of the concept, though. There was no real interesting insight or imagry into the concept of being sick and what that's like. Aside from the snot, Rarity didn't seem to be sick at all. Unless you count her completely out of character behavior, which I guess could be a symptom of a high fever, but it came off as 'it's time for sexyness because the author said so' rather than being a genuine portrayal of the state that someone gets into when they're ill. In fact, the story itself even brings up the question of 'What's going on here, anyway?' then leaves it completely unresolved. Also the 'standing-around-date' thing came off as exactly what it is: an excuse to get the characters into the same room, that could have been replaced with anything. It never comes up again.
I might have been able to just a appreciate it for what it is, though, especially in the second chapter when they start talking about going steady, and the characterization gets more vivid and interesting, but I had lots of difficulty staying immersed in this tale. Things would sometimes get overemphasized. Here's just one example:
That's pretty much as strongly emphasized as you can possibly get, for something that I already knew was pretty gross. It's like the author is telling me what to feel right in the middle of his story. It reminds me of watching a movie with a chatty friend who thinks his commentary is hilarious and needs to be shared, while I'm busy trying to get absorbed into the tale.
This line also ruined a good punchline for me. Here's the line that came before it:
If you have any faith in your readers at all, you don't need any more emphasis than that. You literally could have stopped the story there, and everybody would have been able to tell you that Rarity was about to blow snot or phlegm onto Anon's hand. The next line could have been something like "You sigh, look up at the ceiling, and try to remember where Rarity keeps her tissues." and the reader's mind would have filled in the gaps with the most disgusting glob of drippy loogie that could possibly be imagined, far more vivid than anything that could be expressly described. The reader is your friend. You should work with us, let us help you envision the tale. Don't just spoonfeed the whole thing to us.
That said, you might have been going for comedy. I didn't see the comedy tag, but maybe it was overemphasized on purpose? If so then it was just a groaner for me, but that's okay because I'm a miserably grumpy bastard who can not be pleased, so if it comes down to being able to tell what's funny and what's not funny, don't take my advice.
3501339
First of all, thanks for actually taking your time to sit down and write all that. Receiving constructive criticism is ridiculously rare. So thank you.
I definitely agree with all of your points. Of course, it's much easier to see the flaws now that they have been pointed out, but I will definitely keep it in mind. Although this story was pretty much just fetish fuel at the request of some people, I'd still like to improve, and this kind of feedback is extremely helpful.
I'll definitely work on reducing the amount of spoonfeeding. That is one aspect I'm having trouble with in 2nd person narratives, but I'm glad you pointed it out as lacking. If not, it'd be easy to assume there wasn't a problem to begin with. Thank you.
3501373
I have the same problem with my own stories, honestly. I find putting them down for a week and then re-reading them helps me spot the times when I've explained something obvious, or I've tried to be smugly clever.
I've been experimenting, though, with letting the reader imagine things for me. This is all theoretical, on my part, I have no idea if I'm doing this right, but here's something I wrote today in an unfinished story:
I could have described the look that Rarity gave. I could have said it had its nose tilted up, lips pursed and brow pinched, filled with condescension and exasperation. I could even have just outright said 'It was really bothered and nasty.' but I bet whatever the readers imagine for themselves will be a lot better than anything I could have written.
3501411
I get you. Putting things down and re-reading it is a huge help. Unfortunately, I write 95% of my stuff on the go in active threads, mainly because that's what I find fun. Quality will undoubtedly suffer, which is rather annoying, but overall I just enjoy the sort of "live" entertainment.
As for that tidbit, it's really good. It captures Rarity's personality, and as you said, not actually describing her look works really well. It's actually a really nice example to hold up against my own stuff in order to improve. A baseline of sorts to keep in mind while writing. I'll do my best to work on that aspect.
3501431
I should do that more myself. You may have noticed that I like to overthink things a bit, and it's havoc on my confidence levels. Better to sit down and just write something than to spend all day thinking about the technical aspects of storytelling, like me. I'm trying to find the right balance.
3501485
Aye, that balance can be difficult to find. Ultimately, I told myself to relax a bit more and just have fun. I ain't trying to be the best out there, but improvement is always on my mind. Still, fun should come first, in my opinion, and I'm having lots of it.
Fucking Vitamin D.
How hilarious.
3500414 you have the most AWESOMEMAZING name ever
3507744
Haha, thanks. Never got a compliment for that before.
3507776 there's a first time for everything!
Vitamin D....lol.....Nuff said....snicker.
Gypsy. Please write a sequel...please?
3520078
Sorry, but I most likely won't. This was the extent of the request I got, and I see no interesting way to continue the story. Sure, I could just write more smut, but in that case I'd rather write something completely fresh. Sick characters are a done chapter for now, unless I get the drive to write a hospital/Nurse Redheart fic.
3520103 Oh god, pleeeeaaassee do a redheart fic!!!! I would be so appreciative
3524122
I'll keep it in mind. If anyone strikes me as interesting or fun, I'll write.
What do you mean by that? Are you saying that I am some object picked up by a kleptomaniac Adventure Game character, HERE TO AMUSE YOU!?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!!? THAT'S IT! 
*Jumps into big ball of violence with Rarity* "YOU WANT AN ITEM!? I'LL GIVE YOU AN ITEM! HERE'S YOUR ITEM!" *Bobby the Pigeon comes in and starts laughing*
3520061 And that's the cue to break out the cheesy 70's Porno music.
... I have mixed emotions about this. I want to say this was hot and that I enjoyed it, but there's also the fact that i'm a germaphobe.
Rarity be like, "rub my tummy"
And here I am, putting on some thick latex gloves and a medical mask, holding a spray bottle of cleaner. Then while I rub her tummy, i'm diagnosing her and trying to figure out home remedies (probably not including Vitamin D). Getting sick isn't going to seduce me, that's for sure, lol.
3527045
I feel the same way, just maybe not to as high of a degree. Different strokes for different folks, after all.
Vitamin D... Oh my god I laughed too hard at this
Pfft Hahaha that was great. Vitamin D
.
I'm guessing that pun was on purpose.
Good story by the way.
I don't care what comes next or what ever else you may write. You get faved, upvoted, and followed for this right here.
noice
Nice chapter, but there are some things you may want to edit.
Nursing her back to health is the plan of action, as that's what friends do for each other, and there is absolutely nothing sexual about that.
At all.
Or IS there?
this story made me cough repeatedly
but gosh, I hope I don't catch this as a fetish
Wh-where they blueberry?
5296381
m.quickmeme.com/img/8f/8fc37cac2fa5dd5a4e086044fa699be6af0ed39f7f38e970d72a5a9fb5a6c61c.jpg
Oh god, I lol'd hard
hmm
that was actually pretty nice
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great fic man, good work
This was quite nice. Stellar job! Take my upvote and my
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no more?!
me want MOAR!!!!!
Reminds me of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy:
Drink me Billy I'm full of Calcium and Vitamin Deeeeeeeeee!