• Member Since 15th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen August 24th

Voyna


My life is uncomforable; and you can too!

Comments ( 100 )

First!!!1!

So when are going to update?

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I will be starting on the next chapter today.
:P

oh, this is new, i was like "THAT'S IT?!"... now gotta wait.. this is a good start though, i like it when writers actually setup a plot with a good pace that has room to be a little slow, i'd rather it be slow than to be rushed, because rushing plot is not a good thing (right M.A. Larson?!) :pinkiecrazy:

but yes, i will follow this :yay: yay

6110004
That's pretty much my thoughts exactly, I cant imagine this ship ever being fast paced. It'd be some real tricky writing to pull it off.

Thanks for the comment!

Nice chapter, and I look forward to more. Keep up the good work!

So when do we get chapter 3?

Curious, why is cloudsdale taking action on a house in ponyville? Isn't that the mayors jurisdiction?

Haha, even rainbow dash commented on it. That's cool.

Let's see where this goes now that everything's set up

6133782
Hmm, this next chapter may take a little longer, then again it might not be as large so maybe not. It's a tricky chapter to write.

6139711
Hey thanks for the comment, this story only heats up from here so stay tuned, yo.

Aww~ I love myself a little RariDash. This is cute so far. I hope Dash's situation gets better.

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Thanks for the comment!

Not gonna lie- This was like, reaaally goood. I like the way you write, and RariDash is my OTP so.. You got me waiting chapter 3 ;)

6145043
Oh thank you, that really means a lot. You've made my day. :D

i enjoy your ship story so far, you covered a lot of bases, you setup the setting fairly well, i say the engine is warmed up and ready to go into the romance soon, but don't feel like you have to rush, sometimes a good tease is just as good as having what you want right away, make us readers earn the reward!

also, one more thing, and this is just a babble, i was listening to Dragonforce while reading, and when the power ballad Trail Of Broken Hearts came on, just as RD was reminiscing about her mother and house, man, that was perfect, the mood and lyrics, though not exact to this specific situation, i think is just an awesome song to associate this chapter, at least the early to mid chapter, with that song :pinkiesmile:

feel free to look it up on Youtube, i am going to quote some of the lyrics though in case you don't care enough to listen to the song itself. :twilightsmile:

Once again we walk this lonely road
There are times that we are wading through the rain and cold
We're lost in memories of what we left behind
Relive the dreams, the endless screams of pain inside

Fly away down the lonely roads of yesterday
Close your eyes to see the light of brighter days
And all alone we'll be where time can never heal
With the trail of broken hearts flying free

have a good day mate, and if you make edits based on my corrections, let me know via comment or something so i can edit that out of my comment :raritywink:

Comment posted by Voyna deleted Jun 30th, 2015
Comment posted by NikolaXerdav deleted Jun 30th, 2015

Slightly confused here, How did rainbow dash not recognize pinkie pie at the bakery? The last section had her mentioning her breakfast habits.

The passages between ~0o0o0o0o0o0~ are flashbacks to when Rainbow first moves to Ponieville so she doesn't know anyone personally besides Fluttershy and she's starting to get to know Blue October.

6196796
This guy 6198381 gets it.

6198410

I've read enough stories on this site to know of 2 ways writers denote flashback segments.

1) italisize the whole segment

2) implement a break image (either actuall .img file imbedded or text imagery)

Seeing as you're using italics for internal monologue it would probably be awkward to use format 1 flashbacks that it would be to use format 2 because you'd have to make sure the internal monologue isn't italisized while the rest of the flashback is.

6198486
I've seen the way I do it plenty of times in other stories. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

6198381 thanks, I didn't read it closely enough.

Blue October was looking Rainbow in the eye, her eyes half lidded with boredom, but her mouth turned up in a charming smile. So far so good, don't screw it up, Blue.
"Oh crap, I totally forgot. Sorry about making you come all the way down here." Rainbow felt a pang of guilt as she realized it was her fault.
"Moving house sucks."
Sweet Celestia those eyes. Why's she giving me that look?

i'm noticing that you seemed to be switching back and forth between these two characters perspectives, and it's not abundantly clear, after the internal dialog for Toby since she is not the main character, you should add (Toby thought to herself). also, having that line "Moving house sucks" by itself like that makes me wonder if RD or Toby actually said it, i can guess maybe RD did, but again, it's a vague element that should be correct with a (so-and-so replied) sort of thing, or (Rainbow Dash added), etc.

i'm new to reading, is this a normal thing for a reader to have to discern and make educated guesses of who is thinking?

"Pff, yeah it does," Toby sympathised. Rainbow picked up the mail in her teeth and tucked it under a wing. Alright Blue, now's your chance, don't mess this up. Toby had been planning this one moment for a week straight. "Rainbow Dash?"

this hints enough that i figured Toby was once again the first person inner dialog, and i can let this pass, but i don't think the way this double first person view has panned out very smoothly.

i noticed a grammar mistake too mate

Rarity wrapped her hooves around the belly of the pony she was lying with, they're coat was soft and warm.

should be "their"

um, i have a slight nitpick, but this is due to a partial speculation i noticed in the MLP universe

"Oh hell no, have you seen the way that girl eats? I once saw her dip a sandwich into chocolate syrup." Rainbow spoke

i don't think ponies know the word Hell, because there is no proof that Hell is a place that exists, instead there is Tartarus, which is where in the canon, Tirek was imprisoned. this isn't a big deal, but it breaks my immersion at least.

spelling/grammar issue

"What?" Came the response, Blue's voice was quite, she was still a little shocked that Rainbow had figured out her secret.

misspelled "quiet" as "quite"

minor suggestion, in a lot of pony fics, people replace words like "fuck" with "buck", you can do as you please, but the pony slang is more fun IMO

"I thought you'd figured it out...That was a total fuck up. I was trying to be smooth but.." The blue mare shook her head as she trailed off.

i nearly added something that would have made me look salty, but i must say, the ~OoOoO~ was not a crystal clear indication of flashbacks, but looking back at previous chapters, i guess i should have figured it as such. i also am not fond of the inception of the flashback within the flashback scenes, the mountain of italics threw me off a little, but since it wasn't all that confusing i decided not to bother complaining since the context was clear enough.

but yeah, overall a decent chapter, but i have a couple questions... now the whole wing headcanon to sex is one thing, but do these kind of ponies really have nerve endings in their horns and hooves? this story implies such.

anyways, hope my nitpicks have proven to be helpful, good day <3 :twilightsmile:

6245069

Cheers for catching those man, I'll fix them up stat.

minor suggestion, in a lot of pony fics, people replace words like "fuck" with "buck", you can do as you please, but the pony slang is more fun IMO

OH MY GAWWWWHD, I absolutely hate it when people write buck instead of fuck. It makes me feel like the author thinks im just a meme gobbling sperglord. Sorry man, but I would sooner stab myself in the ribs with a rusty screwdriver than make my readers feel like children.

Also this bit:

"Oh crap, I totally forgot. Sorry about making you come all the way down here." Rainbow felt a pang of guilt as she realized it was her fault.

"Moving house sucks."

Sweet Celestia those eyes. Why's she giving me that look?

Sorry about that, that was badly conveyed, its supposed to be on that same line as the internal dialogue, signalling that another character is speaking. I will do something about this.

i'm new to reading, is this a normal thing for a reader to have to discern and make educated guesses of who is thinking?

I like to make people use their brain.

As for the use of the word hell, Tartarus is supposedly a specific place within hell, or the underworld, or whatever you want to call it. To me, it all means the same thing, and hell is just more convenient as an exclamation.

but do these kind of ponies really have nerve endings in their horns and hooves?

I always thought so, wings would absolutely have a shit-tonne of nerve endings. Horns? Probably, otherwise how would they know how much magic their exerting? And for hooves? Yes horses do have nerve ending in their hooves, if you look at a horses hoof, pretty much the whole thing is a gigantic mass of nerve endings aside from the nail itself (And even that has nerves in it about 3/4 of the way up.(Witch is why you should always get a trained farrier to shoe a horse.))

Horse's hooves are stupidly complicated, a horse irl can get up to 14 potentially deadly diseases in the hoof alone. Fun fact.

Thanks for the grammar fixes, dard. I'll get right on 'em.

6246646 fair enough, i personally like the pony talk, but if you like normal cusses i can work with that.

Tartarus is a part of the underworld, yes indeed.. i suppose Hell can be an exclamation, but i guess.. i just wanted you to be cheesier (ironic that i admit such a thing, i would almost never say this, lol).

but yes, moving on, i am over the fact you refuse to use pony talk.

i didn't know all this stuff about horses, that is cool to learn, and it helps me believe this story more :pinkiesmile:

i guess i can't think of anything else to add for now, hmmm, yeah, you want people to use their brain, well you got me working fairly hard, hehe, but at least you're not leaving total messes, i appreciate that, in fact, i appreciate you as a writer, a lot.

i've read or listened or watched stories/videos, and even in canon episodes, i realize that there are a lot of bad writers... and though Meghan McCarthy makes fun episodes and more or less half the stuff she makes is pretty decent, but i've come to realize, she tends to write terrible plot... it's like she wakes up a day before production last minute writing. seriously, go find Antony C on youtube "A Canterlot Wedding review", you will never look at that episode the same anymore after he nitpicks it.

and i kinda knew at the time that twoparter had issues, but having them all presented in a review really made me think "wow, seriously Meghan?", to the point where that episode actually has more problems than the first Equestria Girls movie (also written by Meghan).

so sir Voyna, rant aside, i dub thee "better writer than half the MLP staff", i can't tell for sure if that means anything since when it comes down to actually writing "good stories", a lot of MLP episodes fall short, especially the action/adventure ones, which is sad, Lauren Faust rolls in her grave, i mean, if she was dead... she's not dead, but if she was, she would roll in her grave... what was i talking about? holy shit it's 8:30 AM and i am tired, lol.

~hugs Voyna~ have a good day :twilightsmile:

in fact, i appreciate you as a writer, a lot.

so sir Voyna, rant aside, i dub thee "better writer than half the MLP staff",

You're making me blush, thank you.

Awesome chapter. I really liked the flow of this story. The flashbacks with Blue October are perfectly placed (very interested to see where that goes as well). Nothing but praise for your story!:twilightsheepish:

Me thinks there'll be a love triangle. The feels always melts~ :raritystarry:

Ya know, on rereading this to get up to speed for the latest chapter , I gotta say i think ya nailed it on rainbows journey to understanding.

Its got all that back and forth, introspection and lack of clarity which really sells it to me.

Just thought I'd mention it.

6362746
Really? Thanks man. That is probably my biggest insecurity about this story so far, I have never been though anything like that, you see.
So to put myself in the shoes of someone going through that was understandably a hard thing to do.

Your comment made me smile. Thanks. :)

Sweet chapter, I'll be waiting for more.:raritywink:

Uh oh, do I sense an intruder on my ship? See you next chapter ^^

One heck of a good story you got here. I really love raribow. i think their goal oriented ways of life gives them a lot more overlap than most people would expect. The way you edge the two together is very slick and natural. You really are taking the proper time to develop the relationship before setting it off. Altogether a well rounded, fun to read fic. Keep up the good work.
:raritywink:

I gotta say, during the internal conflict Rainbow Dash was having, I imagined a rainbow chromatic Dashie arguing the pro-points of homosexuality, while a blue Dashie argued the possible conflicts.

...

Too cliché?

Okay, I get that the band names are plays on actual band names. That's very clever. But is Princess a play on Queen, or Prince?

Actually, I agree with Mayor Mare. All that kissing is unnecessary! Keep it to light pecks in public, and keep the deeper stuff in the bedroom. Wait, she's scorning them for their sexuality? For shame!

6531256
Haha, Its supposed to be Queen. You can probably tell I wasn't trying too hard to come up with puns. :P

Huh, mayor mare as the conservative half-wit. Its a take I can't say I've seen much.

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6635341
I actually didnt mean to publish this chapter yet. I have taken it down for last minute revisions, some things here and there need fixing. I guess you two got in early.

It will be back up in an hour or so.

6635346 Ah, ok thanks for the heads up.

Interesting seeing how things are progressing, and that was smooth of dash. The way you placed means we can see why RD is empathetic so its really cool to read.


Just a thing, Would you mind putting some kind of indication, either of time or something like -Flashback- in those sections? It's a little confusing at times through once i read the rest of it it tends to make sense where it is.

6635394
I did make a reference to how long ago the flashbacks were in the first chapter, but seeing as its been 40,000 words since then I suppose it well overdue for another indication.
This is the kind of feedback I really appreciate, Thank you. :)

The fear of being that pony keeping everyone on their toes.

Since when do ponies have toes?

6638387
You're being silly. :P

Edit: I kinda fixed it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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