The passages between ~0o0o0o0o0o0~ are flashbacks to when Rainbow first moves to Ponieville so she doesn't know anyone personally besides Fluttershy and she's starting to get to know Blue October.
I've read enough stories on this site to know of 2 ways writers denote flashback segments.
1) italisize the whole segment
2) implement a break image (either actuall .img file imbedded or text imagery)
Seeing as you're using italics for internal monologue it would probably be awkward to use format 1 flashbacks that it would be to use format 2 because you'd have to make sure the internal monologue isn't italisized while the rest of the flashback is.
Blue October was looking Rainbow in the eye, her eyes half lidded with boredom, but her mouth turned up in a charming smile. So far so good, don't screw it up, Blue. "Oh crap, I totally forgot. Sorry about making you come all the way down here." Rainbow felt a pang of guilt as she realized it was her fault. "Moving house sucks." Sweet Celestia those eyes. Why's she giving me that look?
i'm noticing that you seemed to be switching back and forth between these two characters perspectives, and it's not abundantly clear, after the internal dialog for Toby since she is not the main character, you should add (Toby thought to herself). also, having that line "Moving house sucks" by itself like that makes me wonder if RD or Toby actually said it, i can guess maybe RD did, but again, it's a vague element that should be correct with a (so-and-so replied) sort of thing, or (Rainbow Dash added), etc.
i'm new to reading, is this a normal thing for a reader to have to discern and make educated guesses of who is thinking?
"Pff, yeah it does," Toby sympathised. Rainbow picked up the mail in her teeth and tucked it under a wing. Alright Blue, now's your chance, don't mess this up. Toby had been planning this one moment for a week straight. "Rainbow Dash?"
this hints enough that i figured Toby was once again the first person inner dialog, and i can let this pass, but i don't think the way this double first person view has panned out very smoothly.
i noticed a grammar mistake too mate
Rarity wrapped her hooves around the belly of the pony she was lying with, they're coat was soft and warm.
should be "their"
um, i have a slight nitpick, but this is due to a partial speculation i noticed in the MLP universe
"Oh hell no, have you seen the way that girl eats? I once saw her dip a sandwich into chocolate syrup." Rainbow spoke
i don't think ponies know the word Hell, because there is no proof that Hell is a place that exists, instead there is Tartarus, which is where in the canon, Tirek was imprisoned. this isn't a big deal, but it breaks my immersion at least.
spelling/grammar issue
"What?" Came the response, Blue's voice was quite, she was still a little shocked that Rainbow had figured out her secret.
misspelled "quiet" as "quite"
minor suggestion, in a lot of pony fics, people replace words like "fuck" with "buck", you can do as you please, but the pony slang is more fun IMO
"I thought you'd figured it out...That was a total fuck up. I was trying to be smooth but.." The blue mare shook her head as she trailed off.
i nearly added something that would have made me look salty, but i must say, the ~OoOoO~ was not a crystal clear indication of flashbacks, but looking back at previous chapters, i guess i should have figured it as such. i also am not fond of the inception of the flashback within the flashback scenes, the mountain of italics threw me off a little, but since it wasn't all that confusing i decided not to bother complaining since the context was clear enough.
but yeah, overall a decent chapter, but i have a couple questions... now the whole wing headcanon to sex is one thing, but do these kind of ponies really have nerve endings in their horns and hooves? this story implies such.
anyways, hope my nitpicks have proven to be helpful, good day <3
Cheers for catching those man, I'll fix them up stat.
minor suggestion, in a lot of pony fics, people replace words like "fuck" with "buck", you can do as you please, but the pony slang is more fun IMO
OH MY GAWWWWHD, I absolutely hate it when people write buck instead of fuck. It makes me feel like the author thinks im just a meme gobbling sperglord. Sorry man, but I would sooner stab myself in the ribs with a rusty screwdriver than make my readers feel like children.
Also this bit:
"Oh crap, I totally forgot. Sorry about making you come all the way down here." Rainbow felt a pang of guilt as she realized it was her fault.
"Moving house sucks."
Sweet Celestia those eyes. Why's she giving me that look?
Sorry about that, that was badly conveyed, its supposed to be on that same line as the internal dialogue, signalling that another character is speaking. I will do something about this.
i'm new to reading, is this a normal thing for a reader to have to discern and make educated guesses of who is thinking?
I like to make people use their brain.
As for the use of the word hell, Tartarus is supposedly a specific place within hell, or the underworld, or whatever you want to call it. To me, it all means the same thing, and hell is just more convenient as an exclamation.
but do these kind of ponies really have nerve endings in their horns and hooves?
I always thought so, wings would absolutely have a shit-tonne of nerve endings. Horns? Probably, otherwise how would they know how much magic their exerting? And for hooves? Yes horses do have nerve ending in their hooves, if you look at a horses hoof, pretty much the whole thing is a gigantic mass of nerve endings aside from the nail itself (And even that has nerves in it about 3/4 of the way up.(Witch is why you should always get a trained farrier to shoe a horse.))
Horse's hooves are stupidly complicated, a horse irl can get up to 14 potentially deadly diseases in the hoof alone. Fun fact.
Thanks for the grammar fixes, dard. I'll get right on 'em.
6246646 fair enough, i personally like the pony talk, but if you like normal cusses i can work with that.
Tartarus is a part of the underworld, yes indeed.. i suppose Hell can be an exclamation, but i guess.. i just wanted you to be cheesier (ironic that i admit such a thing, i would almost never say this, lol).
but yes, moving on, i am over the fact you refuse to use pony talk.
i didn't know all this stuff about horses, that is cool to learn, and it helps me believe this story more
i guess i can't think of anything else to add for now, hmmm, yeah, you want people to use their brain, well you got me working fairly hard, hehe, but at least you're not leaving total messes, i appreciate that, in fact, i appreciate you as a writer, a lot.
i've read or listened or watched stories/videos, and even in canon episodes, i realize that there are a lot of bad writers... and though Meghan McCarthy makes fun episodes and more or less half the stuff she makes is pretty decent, but i've come to realize, she tends to write terrible plot... it's like she wakes up a day before production last minute writing. seriously, go find Antony C on youtube "A Canterlot Wedding review", you will never look at that episode the same anymore after he nitpicks it.
and i kinda knew at the time that twoparter had issues, but having them all presented in a review really made me think "wow, seriously Meghan?", to the point where that episode actually has more problems than the first Equestria Girls movie (also written by Meghan).
so sir Voyna, rant aside, i dub thee "better writer than half the MLP staff", i can't tell for sure if that means anything since when it comes down to actually writing "good stories", a lot of MLP episodes fall short, especially the action/adventure ones, which is sad, Lauren Faust rolls in her grave, i mean, if she was dead... she's not dead, but if she was, she would roll in her grave... what was i talking about? holy shit it's 8:30 AM and i am tired, lol.
I gotta say, during the internal conflict Rainbow Dash was having, I imagined a rainbow chromatic Dashie arguing the pro-points of homosexuality, while a blue Dashie argued the possible conflicts.
Slightly confused here, How did rainbow dash not recognize pinkie pie at the bakery? The last section had her mentioning her breakfast habits.
The passages between ~0o0o0o0o0o0~ are flashbacks to when Rainbow first moves to Ponieville so she doesn't know anyone personally besides Fluttershy and she's starting to get to know Blue October.
6196796
This guy 6198381 gets it.
6198410
I've read enough stories on this site to know of 2 ways writers denote flashback segments.
1) italisize the whole segment
2) implement a break image (either actuall .img file imbedded or text imagery)
Seeing as you're using italics for internal monologue it would probably be awkward to use format 1 flashbacks that it would be to use format 2 because you'd have to make sure the internal monologue isn't italisized while the rest of the flashback is.
6198486
I've seen the way I do it plenty of times in other stories. There's more than one way to skin a cat.
6198381 thanks, I didn't read it closely enough.
i'm noticing that you seemed to be switching back and forth between these two characters perspectives, and it's not abundantly clear, after the internal dialog for Toby since she is not the main character, you should add (Toby thought to herself). also, having that line "Moving house sucks" by itself like that makes me wonder if RD or Toby actually said it, i can guess maybe RD did, but again, it's a vague element that should be correct with a (so-and-so replied) sort of thing, or (Rainbow Dash added), etc.
i'm new to reading, is this a normal thing for a reader to have to discern and make educated guesses of who is thinking?
this hints enough that i figured Toby was once again the first person inner dialog, and i can let this pass, but i don't think the way this double first person view has panned out very smoothly.
i noticed a grammar mistake too mate
should be "their"
um, i have a slight nitpick, but this is due to a partial speculation i noticed in the MLP universe
i don't think ponies know the word Hell, because there is no proof that Hell is a place that exists, instead there is Tartarus, which is where in the canon, Tirek was imprisoned. this isn't a big deal, but it breaks my immersion at least.
spelling/grammar issue
misspelled "quiet" as "quite"
minor suggestion, in a lot of pony fics, people replace words like "fuck" with "buck", you can do as you please, but the pony slang is more fun IMO
i nearly added something that would have made me look salty, but i must say, the ~OoOoO~ was not a crystal clear indication of flashbacks, but looking back at previous chapters, i guess i should have figured it as such. i also am not fond of the inception of the flashback within the flashback scenes, the mountain of italics threw me off a little, but since it wasn't all that confusing i decided not to bother complaining since the context was clear enough.
but yeah, overall a decent chapter, but i have a couple questions... now the whole wing headcanon to sex is one thing, but do these kind of ponies really have nerve endings in their horns and hooves? this story implies such.
anyways, hope my nitpicks have proven to be helpful, good day <3
6245069
Cheers for catching those man, I'll fix them up stat.
OH MY GAWWWWHD, I absolutely hate it when people write buck instead of fuck. It makes me feel like the author thinks im just a meme gobbling sperglord. Sorry man, but I would sooner stab myself in the ribs with a rusty screwdriver than make my readers feel like children.
Also this bit:
Sorry about that, that was badly conveyed, its supposed to be on that same line as the internal dialogue, signalling that another character is speaking. I will do something about this.
I like to make people use their brain.
As for the use of the word hell, Tartarus is supposedly a specific place within hell, or the underworld, or whatever you want to call it. To me, it all means the same thing, and hell is just more convenient as an exclamation.
I always thought so, wings would absolutely have a shit-tonne of nerve endings. Horns? Probably, otherwise how would they know how much magic their exerting? And for hooves? Yes horses do have nerve ending in their hooves, if you look at a horses hoof, pretty much the whole thing is a gigantic mass of nerve endings aside from the nail itself (And even that has nerves in it about 3/4 of the way up.(Witch is why you should always get a trained farrier to shoe a horse.))
Horse's hooves are stupidly complicated, a horse irl can get up to 14 potentially deadly diseases in the hoof alone. Fun fact.
Thanks for the grammar fixes, dard. I'll get right on 'em.
6246646 fair enough, i personally like the pony talk, but if you like normal cusses i can work with that.
Tartarus is a part of the underworld, yes indeed.. i suppose Hell can be an exclamation, but i guess.. i just wanted you to be cheesier (ironic that i admit such a thing, i would almost never say this, lol).
but yes, moving on, i am over the fact you refuse to use pony talk.
i didn't know all this stuff about horses, that is cool to learn, and it helps me believe this story more
i guess i can't think of anything else to add for now, hmmm, yeah, you want people to use their brain, well you got me working fairly hard, hehe, but at least you're not leaving total messes, i appreciate that, in fact, i appreciate you as a writer, a lot.
i've read or listened or watched stories/videos, and even in canon episodes, i realize that there are a lot of bad writers... and though Meghan McCarthy makes fun episodes and more or less half the stuff she makes is pretty decent, but i've come to realize, she tends to write terrible plot... it's like she wakes up a day before production last minute writing. seriously, go find Antony C on youtube "A Canterlot Wedding review", you will never look at that episode the same anymore after he nitpicks it.
and i kinda knew at the time that twoparter had issues, but having them all presented in a review really made me think "wow, seriously Meghan?", to the point where that episode actually has more problems than the first Equestria Girls movie (also written by Meghan).
so sir Voyna, rant aside, i dub thee "better writer than half the MLP staff", i can't tell for sure if that means anything since when it comes down to actually writing "good stories", a lot of MLP episodes fall short, especially the action/adventure ones, which is sad, Lauren Faust rolls in her grave, i mean, if she was dead... she's not dead, but if she was, she would roll in her grave... what was i talking about? holy shit it's 8:30 AM and i am tired, lol.
~hugs Voyna~ have a good day
You're making me blush, thank you.
Ya know, on rereading this to get up to speed for the latest chapter , I gotta say i think ya nailed it on rainbows journey to understanding.
Its got all that back and forth, introspection and lack of clarity which really sells it to me.
Just thought I'd mention it.
I gotta say, during the internal conflict Rainbow Dash was having, I imagined a rainbow chromatic Dashie arguing the pro-points of homosexuality, while a blue Dashie argued the possible conflicts.
...
Too cliché?