- Member Since 23rd Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 9th, 2017
GodOfBBQ
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GodOfBBQ
Joined 23rd Jun, 2014 ·
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Nicely done :)
And you say you haven't written a sex seen before? Well this story makes me think otherwise and you can take that as a compliment
I really like how you nailed Octavia and Vinyl's personality as well as Vinyl's lack of a voice (which annoys me btw but what can you do?) and the 'i love you' part at the end was a nice touch and something I was hoping for really. No errors as far as I could see so good work
Congrats on your first year dude! Hope you go through the next year better than I am!!
Good story. Funny thing is I missed the mature and sex tag so I was a little surprised it was a clop. Could you do a version of this minus the clop?
6071985
6072076 I'm not saying do it now, and beside you have the base already made. Your summary made me overlook most of the tags. I'm just asking when the madness hits you let out.
6072187 If I get around to it I will. But for now...
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140411182123/degrassi/images/3/3c/Kurt_How_About_NO.gif
This... Is awesome. You should make more! I mean, not add another chapter or anything, but more of these characters! It's amazing! And you say this is your first time writing a story like this? I find that hard to believe... It's awesome!
It did go a bit fast imho, but oh well, doesn't matter. I loved it regardless!
6072481 Well, thank you for your enthusiasm for my next projects. I will make sure not to disappoint next time.
Naise... Good work, sexytimes are sexy. Noticed a few errors here and there, though they can be fixed easily,
Pretty sure you meant Vinyl right there.
Repetitive repetitiveness is repetitively repetitive. I'd recommend limiting your use of anything "moaning" in that sentence. Also, "mare" should be "mares", since it's plural.
"She's" either means "she is" or "she has". Neither one makes much sense in the context you've put it in. Try "she had", and that'll work much better.
Other than that, I think the sex was well-written and the feels were there. The story gets a thumbs-up from me. Happy one-year anniversary!
6072489
Yes. Derpy demands MOAR!
6071985
Why exactly do you need such a version, though?
Mature scenes don't affect a story itself if a story is good. And from the looks of it you aren't personally against clop-fics.
6073630 I'm not but to me it felt like it didn't clop. Like I said the summary got me to overlook the mature and sex tag.
I'm having a hard time believing that there are "1 words" in this fic. Just...why?!
6075114 Fimfiction glitch I suppose.
6075162 Guess its just like the '900 word' fimfiction story with a 1000 word chapter.
6075345 Exactly!
... Lacking?!? That was hot.
that was very hot. I think I'm gonna need to take an ice cold shower after this
The sex scene has a major storytelling problem, in that it is all "tell" and, ironically, very little "show." This is a major problem, since this (being a clopfic) is almost entirely about the sex scene.
Here is an example:
The problem with "telling" like this is, at a moment when the reader is supposed to be at their height of personal involvement (and masturbatory experience) in the story, you're actually leaving behind the personal side of the experience, and leaving the storyscape barren of detail. This is not interesting sex. It needs more detail, more colour, more personality.
Also, there are some mild issues with the grammar here.
To revisit this issue from another angle: You begin the story with a decent grasp on writing a personal perspective, showing thoughts and feelings and understandings and experiences. You then switch to an objective perspective that simply describes (without much detail, but I've already said my peace on that) what they are doing - and it's especially bad that you do so when it is most important. Here's a comparison:
And then there's this, pretty much as soon as the sex scene begins:
The sex you've written lacks not only pleasure, but intimacy (which was supposed to be Vinyl's goal). This is a problem for non-clop fics, too - changing the perspective so dramatically rarely works out well.
It also feels to me that you have some sort of anxiety attached to making your descriptions of sex intimate, alive, and vividly descriptive (which, given how most young people these days are raised, is sadly understandable). If this is the case, you need to get over the whole "gonads are filthy/ugly/sacred and I shouldn't be so happy about them" thing. (It might also be the case that you're simply imitating young clop writers with a similar problem.)
This only works if the semicolon is a comma. Otherwise, "Both mares beginning to climax" acts as a sentence of its own, which does not make sense. (Also, details.)
... oh come on.
So the issue here isn't entirely the lack of details - it's sometimes the clinical nature of your language. This particular tidbit sounds like arithmetic or a scientific abstract. That is not most people's fetish.
There are also jarring moments of fourth-wall-smashing, such as this:
Unless the story is told in a particular style that you are not using, narrators who are not characters in the story should generally not be talking to the reader directly. This is especially true of would-be literotica.
Logic issue: If she wasn't already sure, she would not be reacting so calmly and passively to somepony else (perhaps an unmentioned roommate?). Is there any reason whatsoever that Octavia wouldn't know who it was from the outset?
Instead, I suggest you look into Octavia using the moment to read Vinyl's intent, rather than figure out who just got in bed with her.
There are some obvious errors which I trust your ability to fix.
Made what spark? There is no reference to her horn here, if that's what "it" is supposed to be.
*She, since I assume from context this refers to Vinyl.
*The two lovers made eye contact for a short while, but with an angry hmph, Octavia turned her head away and walked to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
Because hmph is an onomatopoeia, not a word she said; because the full stop instead of comma makes this a bit choppy (and starting a sentence with "but" is usually not the right thing to do); because there should be a comma after the hmph, even if it is not a quote.
*Octavia's
These should not be separate sentences if the wording is to remain the same.
Something came up and I can't complete this review, but I will briefly mention that you do get points for things like being able to turn an idea into a coherent story and that you also need a proofreader along with an editor. You have too many minor grammatical errors that word processors won't catch.
3.5/10 - it's on the low side of "It was okay I guess."
6161882 Hey, you want me to tell you a secret? A very special secret?
Let me whisper it in your ear...
You ready? Okay, here goes...
So, my secret is... THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT WRITING A FULL BLOWN SEX SCENE! You would know that if you were to read the author's note below.
Also, almost all of my stories have minor grammatical errors. I'm no expert. I go into writing these things with the knowledge I have of writing and what I learn from better writers than I. I feel like yeah, I could go without the grammatical errors that'd be amazing, but I believe that it also gains a connection with the audience. It shows that I'm no, super talented writer who went to Oxford to get a degree in writing. I'm just a fella from Cali just writing what's on his mind.
I don't need people like you reminding me that yeah, my writing has it's problems I already know that and I strive to solve those problems. But for now, I'm glad I'm able to write at all without making HUGE mistakes such as more blatant spelling errors or plot holes. I would have an editor/proofreader if ANYBODY WERE ONLINE WHEN I NEED THEM!!! I swear I'll put up wanted signs in every group and I'll write like, five blogs on the matter and nobody will pay it any mind. I'm not saying,
"HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT WHAT I DID! LOOK AT IT NOW!" I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that at times, people like me are helpless and must do the work themselves.
Now, want me to tell you a true secret? A secret that I bet you, very little people know about.
I started my writing "career" I suppose because I had a creative mind that had no other way to show itself. I'm not the best artist, I can barley sing, I can't dance, and I don't have the money to buy tools and utilities that help me with those lacking skills. All I had/have is a fully charged computer, a creative mind, and a couple hours to kill.
I'm not some bot with limitless amounts of talent to create the perfect story. Hell, only two of my stories have been featured only once on the featured homepage. The record time is about five minutes. But back on track, I'm just some guy from Cali who has a creative mind, and with no means other than writing to show it.
I'll keep your critique up. Because I WANT people to see it. I don't keep failed stories up, I keep stories that I feel like I did well on, but I also keep the comments that break it down brick by brick (like your comment) so that people can realize that I'm not some untouchable writing God. I'm just some writer who's obsessed with BBQ.
meetville.com/images/quotes/Quotation-Walt-Disney-Company-trying-Meetville-Quotes-241462.jpg
And so far, I think I'm doing pretty well with the public...
6162079
I did read your author's note. I'm just a reader who didn't enjoy the story, and an editor and writer who believes in the value of detailed feedback. When I studied creative fiction at university, every writing course featured a critique - at least two pages - every major assignment I wrote, by each and every active member of the class. I think that was a good and helpful thing that helped me grow as a writer almost as much as real-world experience has.
To be clear, my point wasn't "this is bad and you should feel bad." My point was "here's stuff that needs fixing." I failed in that I ran out of time before I could write out a full critique (such a thing details both suggested solutions to the problems and a full inventory of what you did right), but I'm still trying to be helpful and share what I've learned for your benefit, not bash the story or argue with you. I don't hate you or the story, I do not intend to yell at either, and I am not angry.
6162972 I never saw it as an offensive critique. I didn't find it mean spirited or insulting. That's why I kept it. So when people read this story, they will know that there can be room for improvement. They will know that I'm still human and I still need learning of my own.
So instead, I thank you for your criticism. Just know that I'm appealing to audiences who just want a wholesome, good read. Not critics.
6163155
Oh, I see. Maybe I misread your reply.
>chapter word count: 2779 words
>"1 words total"
wut
fimfic pls
I love cutie-clop!!!!
ur right- knowledge is power is indeed bullshit. without creativity, there is no gained knowledge.
anyways, second time reading thru this. still love it. nice to see a sex fic with emotion. instead of smut.
still trying to figure out what this response to my own fic means tho 'name of commenter- chapter 6 . Aug 2
O.O [at this point i was literally dead but breathing] xD... aanywys- LOVE UR STORY! scratch/tavia ftw. one of the 2 ships i support fully
We need more mute\semi-mute romance! With sex!
I did a good job by the way.