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Gilda711 stories ·954 members
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Back before you left your old school, you didn't take jack sh*t from nobody. You didn't start anything with anybody, but you weren't a pushover. When you transfer to Canterlot High however, you're left as the new kid and you meet your worst challenge yet.
This story is told in the 2nd person. So don't take any dialogue seriously. I realize that some bits of dialogue can be offensive or straight up mean.
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He is getting his ass kicked
Nice intro you have my full attention haha
Well this is interesting.
K. This was great :D
I like it
This is kind of like my story if you want a read.
This is nice, Fav and like from me
Hmm... I took notice of a few grammatical & spelling errors. The main problem that seems to be standing out the most to me is that it's written in 2nd person. Not that i'm saying 2nd person is a bad thing, but the point of it is to try and insert the reader into the story... And, quite frankly, I find that hard to do here. Mainly cause I didn't grow up in that kind of school (his old one), don't have an abusive parent, anger issues, etc. I feel like it would be better approached in either 1st or 3rd person, so we have a particular name and person to tack these things onto, rather than having readers trying to fit on shoes that might not fit.
Other than that, though, this fic looks promising so far. I'll be thumbing up and favoriting, and looking forward to future chapters.
5680627 I see. Well, this is my first 2nd person story so think of it as an experiment. But thank you for the criticism.
Really liking the story so far!
However there is one thing I'd like to mention...
I ship them so hard.
36.media.tumblr.com/de95b41344348861ec8a9b358c633b9a/tumblr_miut0lTZyo1rtcfaqo1_500.jpg
5681388 Well I'm glad you like it. I had some high hopes for this story and I'm glad people like you are enjoying it.
All of my yes.
However, it feels awkward having the protagonist (us) have so much clarity. Like, I know that it seemed to Gilda that she sort of liked being punched in the breast, but we don't need to be told it again by (our) monologue. It just feels a bit awkward to have him (us) have so much of an insight to what it going on, especially since it seems like most of the time we have no idea of what's going on.
Okay so that my have been something the character should have kept to himself. Purely because nobody especially a guy, goes up to a girl and states "yeah i punched her in the tit she totally loved it." exaggerating here obviously, but seriously its all about the context of a situation, even if the character knows this person for so long, to say it in the middle of a shop takes away from the immersion. Just saying.
i do like the story and I know you want to have a I-don't-give-a-shit character and that's cool, but there has to be limit somewhere, and having him spell out his emotions likes hes the narrator to his own life again ruins the immersion or build up.
(Please take this as nothing more than healthy criticism, I wouldn't have liked this if i didn't see potential in it.)
5687236 It was for the sake of comedy. If it was funny that is.
I really think this story would be better if you character had a name instead of just Anon.
And you repeat yourself right here:
5687244 See it is funny but, isn't the character feeling bad for what he did? Wouldn't it have been more appropriate for him to say something along the lines of "Yeah i hit her in... uh actually its not important" You know? Save Gilda some dignity if he really does feels bad for her. We as an reader know what you meant and see the comedy behind what you mean, but it also keeps the character in the context of the situation. eg remorseful.
Either way it doesn't matter perhaps I'm just being pedantic, but I hope you at least understand where I'm coming from.
5687323 Oh yeah I see what you mean. TBH I think I wrote that at like 2 in the morning, so my mind was a scatter when writing it so there's that reason. But I like to think either way, it's still a good story none the less.
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Really taking an interest in this story!
About time the "Not a pushover" part appears.
... Quick question here. Why is he talking about sights he's seen and people he's known as if he's lived there for a while? Isn't he supposed to be new, and moved away from all of his former friends?
5690901
You're close to figuring out who our main character truely is, very close indeed my friend!
See, the reason why I have him(the reader) describe the sights and his friends in such a way is because I'm hinting at the unexplaned fact that he hasn't moved very far between schools. In fact, I'll make it public now!
Sometime in later chapters, he'll encounter some old friends he used to walk to school with or hang out back in his old school. So, in short, he moved schools. But he's close enough to where he didn't have to move houses. You see what I mean correct?
About damn time that bitch understands the meaning of "Collateral Damage".
Wow so screwed now
I thank you for this nice main Char, he isn´t just a wuss, he don´t need to be the toughest, but it is a nice change.
It is not absolutely short, but this is over pretty fast right now, what i mean is, i really like to read it, so i am a bit sad that i am already at the last chapter right now.
To be honest, i like Aria and Sonata, but i hope this story isn´t about the sirens.
I would really like more of the story, i want you to take your time to make a few good chapters, but at the same time i can´t wait, i just finish this more or less short chapters to fast.
I know that Gilda is some sort of an instable girl in this fanfiction, which is probably mostly mean because of her parents, or because she is already hurt enough, and stuff like that, but i really like it that they go trough that much trouble, befor they start to be friends.
I guess soon enough they start to befriend a little bit, but at the moment he had made exactly that mistake, which he tried to avoid.
5697611 who says the story's already over? I've got plans for this story, big plans. And I was kinda shooting for him to make the mistake it didn't want to make in the beginning, it symbolizes that anger and rage blinds you into doing something you regret doing.
I really like it, i am curious about what they would do about Gildas father later.
Wow. Someone's really trying to relive their high school days here.
How did Anon immediately recognize Gilda by name? This is the first time he's heard it.
This is getting good but will Sonata ever get out or the bathroom tune in next time on DRAGONBALL Z
5699781
OOOOOOoooooohhhhhhhhhwerenotlaughingoooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/520/691/c9a.png 5699781
This story is making me like, http://youtu.be/jYMS3YsNg5k?t=8s
It seems that Gilda, despite being irritable, was a tragic villain.
5702179
OMG! LIKE...I KNOW, RIGHT!?
Well, it could use a little refinement here and there but it's not bad at all. I'm enjoying it regardless so that's what I'll focus on. Also, is "citizenship grade" an actual thing or did you just invent that for the purpose of this story?
Well, like I said before, couple of nitpicky things but meh, still enjoying it so far. Just, for the love of all things sacred, don't rush into the romantic stuff! Build up to it; make us wait and anticipate it!
Just a bit of a note. You've been switching from first person to second person and back. You may want to stop the switching. This is just a thought.
5699652 It seems like both of their fathers are tough. Let's have them meet and clash.
5739084 yeah why not, that way his father can be an asshole and a hero
ahhh i noticed a mistake
Honestly, Gilda don´t think far enough, it could always be that someone see her, how she tried to pick a lock, and maybe one of his parents is home, if she just take something from there, she could get really much trouble.
5739799
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CRAP GOTTA FIX It!!
~*12 seconds later*~
Ha! Did it!
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/mlfw1404_Rainbow_Dash_fixed_forever.gif
“Believe me it’s a long story that your simple mind won’t be able to perceive. Now, if you excuse me.”
I think comprehend would work better in this situation.
“Must be good to live in the lap of luxury huh?” Gilda asks sounding more sadder than before.
'more depressed' or just 'sadder'
Yeah, I got her do beat! She won’t know what hit her!’
so
You knew how fast these things could get, and how dangerous riding one can be very dangerous.
get rid of one
Bra...do the next one!
Mirror's Edge reference? I knew Gilda could channel her inner Jacknife.
5758457
That comment combined with that profile pic?
Priceless
Poor Gilda, having issues apparently is a thing in her family.
5827329 Well, some folk just have it harder than others. This story is supposed to symbolize how a bully is made and their not just that way. There's always a lesson to learn HIEfan.
Thanks for the awesome chapter
For some reason I didn't get an alert for the last one...