• Member Since 23rd Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Feb 9th, 2017

GodOfBBQ


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Southern Equestria is where you could find the old fashioned ways the ponies long ago believed. From religious views, to laws and racial views. Those are only the few reasons why Southern Equestria is much different than the north. When the Mane 6; minus Applejack for working reasons, take a trip down to the South, searching for the next location the map tells them to go the craziest thing happens that not even Twilight's prestigious roll as Princess of Friendship could resolve.

They get arrested, now they must do everything in their power to return back to the North.

*Inspired by the film O' Brother, Where Art Thou*

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 14 )

Those 6 are hardcore criminals, man. They worse then the Bloods and the Crips.

Uh, I think you made a typo mistake. You mentioned Rarity twice. I think you intended for the first line to be Fluttershy's. Also, you forgot to space the line between Rarity and Rainbow Dash's sentences. Other than that, I'm interested in the story because of the pairing whose group you put the story in.

5857106 Right, thanks for pointing that out!

5857106 Okay, I fixed the problem. If you meant this sentence,

“Oh yeah, there’s the spot right there… Hm? Well how on earth did I get here… Oh!” Rarity yawned,

“Hello Twilight.” Rarity said wiping her eyes with a hoof.

I meant for that to happen. I didn't think to give Fluttershy any dialogue for the waking up scene. But, keep that good eye on ya fella. My stories are notorious for having some sort of problems with it. But maybe that's why some of my stories are good, the errors show that I am human, and can make mistakes. Which makes a strong connection with the reader.

...

Wow, all I needed to say was I fixed the problems and to correct you... Oh well.

I see it's going to get good.

“The clown has no penis!” Pinkie slurred as she rose from her sleep.

A story that's rated E...

5871561 Believe me that surprised me too...

Then again, a "Penis" is a male's reproductive feature so... Grow Up!

Just kidding don't sue me...

All except for Fluttershy who was as stiff as a board. She tried oh so hard to fall asleep but couldn't. It’s been awhile since she’s actually been camping. As a matter of fact, she probably hasn't ever been camping.

Does Summer Flight Camp count?

5871594 You might wanna change that or fix the rating.

Then again, considering the theme of this fic, it sounds like this should be a Teen rating,

Props to you for even attempting this....and how in the hell can somepony, even a mayor, imprison a Princess? Doesn't the title of Princess kinda outranks mayor? If anything, Twilight could have the mayor locked up for simple threatening a royal member (and I'm pretty sure that Luna did that en masse before she got mooned for a millenia).

Ok so two things I believe need mentioning since no one else has pointed it out yet. First, in your second paragraph you say something much more worse at the end. The word more is redundant and unnecessary, simply saying much worse would suffice. And your second to last paragraph would probably flow better if written as such: With a dark tone now filling the room, the others just went on packing the necessities for the trip; Not a single one bothering to mention how eerie Pinkie had made it. Breaking it up into complete sentences honestly ruins the story structure, at least for me.

I don't mean to offend you or anything, just a few things I noticed that threw me out of the story, beyond that it's a good read and a hat tip to you for using one of my favorite films as inspiration. Now, reading onward.

You know, it's funny. I had a feeling that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy would be the reason the group wounded up in chains, but I thought it would be because of their blossoming relationship. I was expecting the town they traveled to would have a thing against same gender relationships, not Pegasi in general. It seems that Pegasi are getting the treatment of blacks. Also, Twilight is a heretic?! I can't believe it. Also, as you requested, I spotted a few writing errors. For one thing, that part where they enter city hall, I think you meant to say 'which', not 'with'. Also, you forgot to make two breaks in between lines: one between the insults that were being tossed at Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, and another between Rarity and Pinkie Pie's questions to the mayor. You know, what's funny is that this Saturday's episode of FiM is suppose to be another 'Map' adventure. Maybe it can give you some inspiration for this story. Looking forward to when you get this story off 'hiatus' and how the girls resolve this one. Have to say, Applejack would probably be a big help here.

Shame it got cancelled. I had high hopes for this story.

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