Solas Mean Oiche
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I was listening to frank sinatra when I read this.... Was that a bit inappropriate? o3o
Yay another chapter! I waited for this.
Great Chapter! Can't wait for more!
I found one thing.
Shouldn't that Frederick be a Harpo?
I like Vinyl Scratch and Octavia's first meeting with each other! Can't wait to see how this will develop!
I somewhat enjoyed this chapter, but it's only natural, considering I also enjoyed it on the fic that this was "inspired by," by which I mean "carbon copied from." From Octavia’s cutie mark thing, down to Vinyl’s tongue piercing, it all felt the same. There were some differences, but not quite enough to warrant being called a different fic. I'm not sure where this is going, but I'd put money on the same direction as Watch and Learn. It's also easy to crank out a chapter every 5-7 days when you're basically copying someone else. It's fine to be inspired by other fics, but you have to make it unique enough that someone doesn't feel like they're reading the same thing. Please consider what I'm saying rather than outright dismissing it.
3926807 "There were some differences..." More like there were some similarities, which as the author has openly admitted that it was Watch and Learn that inspired this fic, is not surprising. The feel, however, is entirely different. Things that were in the background of Watch and Learn are in the forefront here, and vice versa. Similar characters, similar situation, but totally different take on it.
Notify whoever you like, and then get over yourself.
3926807 Oi bugger off mate, I've cranked out fiction in a few hours, leave the guy alone. Just because it's a similar premise in some cases doesn't mean you be a little bitch about it. Just after not even the full first chapter I can tell you this story is different. It's kinda sad when you have nothing better to do than to try and be negative about somebody else's work.
So the design for Pon-3 is similar. Big whoop. Get over it. A lot of people see Vinyl as spunky, and I'd see her humanised with a tongue piercing as well, I'll be honest. And so what if he took elements of the other story's characterization. He liked it, he incorporated it into his own work in his own way. Jeez, get over yourself and get your facts straight, you're embarrassing yourself.
smartmeetings.com/meeting-and-event-planning-news/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/austinpowers.jpg
Okay, now the obligatory Austin Powers post is out of the way, a few niggles. It was a very good chapter, to be sure, but did have some flaws. In some places, the story is far too detailed, and draws the pace down to a cranky crawl. In other places, the details were just that, details, and lacked soul or any emotion to give them interest. My example here is when you described what each one wore to the club. You let the reader know what they were wearing, but it seemed forced, and didn't paint a vivid picture.
All in all, a very good story, just needs some mechanical adjustments. Looking forward to more.
3926416 No, no I don't think so. Sinatra is boss!
3926419 I'm sorry it took as long as it did; I had hoped to get it up a couple days sooner.
3926502 Oh, bollocks, do I really have that in there twice?! EDIT: Fixed.
3926568 Damn it, yes. Thank you! Fixed.
3926619 I'm glad you enjoyed it! The story should start to pick up now.
3926807 I think carbon copied is a bit of an exaggeration. Yes, I did pull a couple small details from Bone's fic that I thought were great touches, and there will be a few other minor similarities, and one fairly large one. However, I'm absolutely not dismissing your concern, because I was concerned about it being too much like Watch and Learn from the very moment I started thinking about this story. That being said, I've been upfront with Bonejingle about this since before I even started writing it, and she has my full plot synopsis. So, please don't for a moment think that I'm outright stealing her concepts; that's simply not the case. Once this story really gets on towards the climax, if you continue reading it, I think you'll find it's very different in tone and substance from Watch and Learn.
3927046
3927101 I appreciate the support, mates! Cheers to you!
3927199 You know, you're absolutely right. I also felt that there was something off about the description of what they were wearing. I think that with having so many people to describe, it sort of became a grocery list
I'm going to do my best to avoid that in the future. Also, figuring out where to describe in detail and where not to so that it doesn't affect the pace.
3927685
I'll take your word for it and watch this to see how it goes, and thank you for acting rationally and not insulting me like some other people. It's nice to see authors listen to and address when people have concerns instead of calling them "a little bitch about it" and saying that I "have nothing better to do than to try and be negative about somebody else's work."
3927685 Aye, I remember the same conundrum. The best thing to do is the most painful: write the bit, and if you don't like it 120%, delete it and write it again, differently. Rinse and repeat as desired. As for the when to detail, the best thing to do is write it, then read it out loud. You'll catch the vast majority of errors that way.
3927819 Taking offense to being insulted? Well, I would quote your original comment on this chapter, but I see you've edited it to be less of an outright attack, and you have also removed the threat from it.
There's "having concerns," and then there's straight-up accusing someone of copying another person's work and threatening to bring in both that other author and a moderator to punish them if they don't take down their piece RIGHT NOW.
Don't dish it out if you can't take it, bud.
3927819 You know, I like to think I'm doing a halfway decent job with this story, but I still have a lot to learn and figure out about writing. This really is the first time I've ever tried writing something, and at first it was difficult to come up with the setting and plot for the story. Watch and Learn gave me a starting point. The deeper I get into writing the story, though, ideas have started to come to me with more ease, and there are pieces that I've been able to change or add to make it more unique, more my own. I did, however, have my own major plot points in mind from the beginning that have nothing at all in common with Bone's story. But I don't think you were trolling, and I appreciate all of the constructive criticism; even if it's minor, I'll take all I can get, because I do have much to learn and many things I can fix.
Oh, and to Irishtiger: I am loving it. The emotions all ring so true for me. If I happen to skim over a bit where you're going into detail about everything that every one of the characters is wearing, you can be sure that I stop and read every word when Vinyl starts her show, when she's talking with the others, and when she finds herself alone with her dark thoughts and just can't take it anymore. Only three chapters in (well, two and a prologue) and I'm hooked.
Good so far, just be wary of how much you accelerate the romance. I would believe there's a bit more...substance to the conflict, eh?
3927950
3928007 I'm ecstatic you're both enjoying the story so far! Vinyl's character and her struggle with the emotional and psychological scars she bears is the biggest thing I really wanted to get right in this story. She's a public figure, more or less a celebrity, so she needed to continue to portray herself as the confident, brash and charismatic DJ that everyone knows and loves, however, while in private, she's a very broken, damaged person. This above all else I want the reader to feel, and I hope I'm getting it right.
As for the detail, I'm working on refining my technique and the substance of my writing with that being one of the focal points of improvement. I think part of the reason I included so much description was the fear of not having a slow enough pace and long enough chapters, which ended up accomplishing the exact opposite of what I intended. Also, my word choice... When I originally started writing this I was using words like "proprietor" instead of "owner" and my editor and I thought that maybe more common terms would be best. To clarify, do you mean redundant as in I'm using the same word multiple times or that I'm saying the same thing, but with different words or in a different way?
Also, Novus, I have no idea why you would think she was going to ride out on horseback
3928100 Oh, don't worry; it will be quite a while before we get to the romance. I've read too many stories where the romance kicks off in a matter of days and they're already in love. Not going to happen here. And yes, there will be much, much more to the conflict.
Too many 'to's in here.
Otherwise, pretty interesting and pretty good pacing
3928205 Glad to hear.
3927968 Hmm, seems I came to the party a bit late; I didn't see that bit
3928245 Thank you! Fixed.
Tron reference, I see what you did there
This chapter was well worth the wait, it was really well written and the story is good, very good.
Good job!
3927819 I didn't call you 'a little bitch', I said you were being 'a little bitch about it'
And really, it's true. If you're going to leave feedback, make it something positive instead of taking the time out of your life to share your misery to the world.
Again, please stop embarrassing yourself.
3927685 And don't worry about it. I apologise if I make people butthurt on your story, I have a very abrasive way of dealing with negative feedback that has no point or constructive criticism with it. I don't mean to be so bad, it just happens.
3927968
I edited the original because I realized I was a douche in it. I caught myself before more people saw it because I realized I was way out of line. Tell me, what's wrong with that?
3929186
How is it "spreading my misery to the world" when I just pointed out something wrong I found with the story? That's how criticism works. If you expect only positive feedback, you're in for in a rude awakening when you write your own story.
3929461 'When you write your own story'? I've written plenty already thank you. But that's just criticism without want for improvement. If you're going to criticise, do it in a way that's actually helpful, yes?
Oh good lord, this chapter was so damn hard to read.
Not the content, mind you. The story itself is fine, but... the writing needs work.
What 3927199 and 3927950 said is part of it - you're adding too much detail to the dresses, but it doesn't stop there. In writing, as you probably know, there's "show" versus "tell". Telling is where the author steps in, forcibly draws your attention to something in a "HEY LOOK, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS" fashion. Showing is where you're slipping into the character's skin, and see it as THEY see it. In this case, they might see things others miss, but miss things others will see.
Lyra, Octavia and Vinyl are all suffering from telling - you give them amazing insight and thoughts into the situation and the other person that they honestly shouldn't really be having... at least, not in that much detail. Also, you repeat yourself quite often. "She has presence!" - Lyra thought this, Octavia thought that, then Octavia said it, all within a few paragraphs and nearly the same wording. It's very jarring to read.
More on the "show" aspect of things, and details - sometimes you seem to put in some details out loud, just for the reader's benefit - but we don't always need to know that. Having it said like that feels weird, since the characters should know this, and it would be an unspoken acknowledgement of this, but having them speak it out loud feels... unnecessary.
TL;DR: avoid repetition, and don't over-do details for the reader's benefit - it's about the characters, and what they know. Don't step in yourself and tell us more than the characters should know.
(yes, I am enjoying the story. Just this chapter felt... off.)
3928982 Well done! I wasn't sure anyone would catch that one, it's a little obscure, I think. So, kudos! There's still a reference in the prologue no one has noticed yet, though it's a REALLY obscure reference; you have to be a big fan of board games you can only find at a comic or hobby shop.
3929122 Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I'm also ecstatic the story seems to be coming across very well, for the most part!
3929186 But why can't we all just get along?
Seriously though, no worries mate. We're all different people from probably very different walks of life, and things like that are bound to happen. Hopefully, we all grow from it.
3929284 Hmm, is Nightmare Moon another person entirely or is she a magical entity like in the show? I'm leaving the questions about whether magic exists and about the Elements of Harmony purposely vague, as I'm thinking about writing another story in this 'verse where both of those would be major parts. I was wondering when someone was going to ask those particular questions though, so good on you.
3929557 I'll keep that in mind, thank you. Also, oddly enough, about 7000 words is what I'm aiming for with each chapter.
3929767 Thank you for the very specific critique, it is very helpful. You're right, the detail and showing vs telling is something that is going to be at the focal point of what I will endeavor to improve on as I continue writing this. I'm glad you're still enjoying the story; if you wouldn't mind, with future chapters, please keep an eye on those two things and let me know if I'm improving with it at all. Cheers!
3929829
Will do! I hadn't noticed it as strongly in the other chapters, but it was very noticeable here. Just watch out for it, really.
All the critiques I was going to make have already been made by other (more talented) people, so I will simply say that I enjoyed this chapter. I like the FireDash shipping as well, despite being an AppleDasher at heart.
Now give me moar! Can't wait to see how their session goes.
YAY!! Update!
3929531
You know, it's kind of ironic that you're taking more offense to what I said than the author. He/she listened to what I had to say and addressed my concerns, which is what I was hoping for all along. Nevertheless, it's over now and I don't want to clog up the comments with a pointless argument, so I bid you a fond farewell.
3929829 Does it count that I got it at luminary? But then again it probobly helps that I'm a bit of a Tron addict...
Also, you must be a very good writer for this to be your first story! But then again I'm no writer nor a grammar nazi, so I can only really make a judgement on the story side, and it's great!
3931468 Kudos to you too! Thank you for the compliment, but I think my ability at writing is up for debate; I still have some learning to do. I am glad you like the story though!
3930085 I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! I've started working on chapter 3, hopefully it'll be up by the end of the week.
A few hours together is hardly enough for Vinyl to learn that Octavia lives "in a shell."
Sure, she may know that Octavia has lived a somewhat solitary life, but that is not the same as living in a shell. She's obviously someone who is not opposed to going outside of their comfort zone either, so... I don't think that line fits entirely here.
Private Dangle approves this story.
I think you need to go by the 'show, don't tell' rule. Just reading that section where Vinyl left the club was too wordy and it felt like you were just listing things off instead of actually writing a story.
3932278 Perhaps I did take a bit of liberty with that part.
3934318 Yeah, where and how I use description, or 'show, don't tell' is the biggest thing I'm working on refining/getting the hang of.
Wow, I gotta say that chapter didn't feel like 12k words. It felt so smooth the entire way through. Great job
3935000 Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it; the chapters should continue to get more smooth as the story goes on as well.
I enjoyed this chapter so much, I almost felt like I was at a club myself!
3936620 Brilliant! That's what I was going for. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter!
3941504 I'm glad you like it so far! But really, how were Vinyl's parents in any way similar to Bruce Wayne's? Batman's parents were shot and killed by a mugger outside of a theater in the middle of the city and Bruce was with them at the time. Vinyl's parents were hit by a drunk driver on a highway between two cities whilst on their way back from a charity dinner and Vinyl was not with them. Aside from Bruce Wayne's parents and Vinyl's parents both being well-off business owners who died violent but very different deaths, I'm failing to see a connection... I am glad that it was a sad moment for you; that's definitely what I was going for. Also, you didn't misread that; Lightning Dust is Vinyl's girlfriend at the time of the prologue.
When are you gonna upload chapter 3
3941879 that was actually the connection both were extremely rich parents who were very loved and loving constantly giving to the community I don't know my brain is really weird with connections. Also loved chapter two really enjoying all this build up definitely an above average ship fic :)
3946893 It depends. My goal is to finish writing it today, but my editor usually has better things to do on the weekend then edit words about colourful cartoon horses. So, possibly by Monday, hopefully no later than Tuesday.
3947931 Oh, well, then you're not wrong, I guess! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter; I'm doing my best to make the buildup interesting and suspenseful. More is coming soon. Cheers!
3949849 Okay,I'll just wait then. P.S. your story is awesome 2 thumbs up.