- Member Since 6th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen April 26th
TheNewYorkBrony
The name's Dash. (Previously Ronnie) And I write humanized pony stories. Welcome to my humble page.
TheNewYorkBrony
Joined 6th Feb, 2013 ·
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Not bad. Felt a little rushed, but not bad.
Looked pretty good honestly, I saw a few grammar mistakes, but I'm on mobile so I'll leave it to the people to point it out. However this did a grand job scratching my SunDagio itch. Fun read!
Very rushed, I can tell you're not used to writing this kind of stuff but everyone has to start somewhere. Only going to go up from here.
Spelling wise:
-> in
-> always
-> She
I think there was another small slip but not sure where
I'll have to have a look later. Saw you post something a few days ago about impending SunDagio clop, and I do love this pairing. Wasn't expecting to see my artwork for the cover, though. ;)
In this specific case I don't mind too much, other than it would have been courteous to ask. In the future though, please do ask first with my art, as—being an author as well—there's a good chance I may be planning to use it for a story cover of my own.
Pretty nice. A bit rushed and the ending was kinda abrupt but I understand when you say that writing sex scenes makes you uncomfortable. It's all cool. Have a like.
6053046 thanks for pointing that out. I thought i had caught everything.
6053063 you misspelled gym in the first sentence.
6053239 man i have got to get a proof reader.
6053254 I've seen worst, trust me on that one
6053046
»her
Here was one you missed.
In the description you need to space very and compromising
.
It's not a bad attempt at writing clop, especially for someone who isn't comfortable writing it. However, you are missing one very crucial element; build up. The difference between jumping right into the sex, and building up over the course of the story is like the difference between having a glass of water and having a glass of water at the end of a marathon.
work out.
You mean 'taut', because it's highly unlikely she's got highly developing insulting muscles that could *rival* those two.
*sang*
Pay attention to CM Punk's instructions. They will leave an impression.
Might want to revise that, because otherwise she's peeing in the sauna.
*S*he.
That double negative is very awkward to read.
*a* half smirk.
*a* moan.
Could use a comma between waiting and already dripping. But the whole euphemism is a bit silly.
I'm going to assume you meant "convulsion" here.
You lost a quotation mark there.
That's just the technical stuff, not going into things such as commas in quotation marks to denote dialogue tags or the 'sweet, sweet nectar' bit. I could go into the incongruity of the erotica itself, but suffice it to say, you do indeed need good help if you're uncomfortable with the subject matter. They can get you through it.
not bad
I liked
I hope to see more fanfic yours
6053516 yep i should not have written this.
6053588
Some editors can help you get through the rough patches. Others will just fix things up, tell you what else you need to do and that's it. You might need one that's not ambivalent about sex and help you through the discomfort.
You're free to push your boundaries in writing however you want, but with some genres, some more help is good.
6053254
https://www.slickwrite.com/#!edit
Here's an online proofreader that I use. It also lets you look at stats like flow and if you're using a word too often.
Not bad. I give it a 3/5. Could have used a bit more description and a lot more rolling around on the floor fighting to be on top, but it wasn't bad. Definitely need to practice. Because we could use more well written clop. Always.
I'll echo the others. Good to see the go at it, as this was an interesting concept. But there's only so much that can be done with 1300 words,
6053625
This site is actually pretty amazing. Thanks. The flow-checker tool is particularly interesting. I tried the first two chapters of my Twi/Sunset letter fic and both came out very close to the nice rolling curves that it suggests. ;) I put a lot of work into the paragraphs on this one to get that instinctual "feeling" that it describes here... so it's interesting to see that reflected in some measurable way.
And speaking on this clop topic (still @Norm) - Sunset/Aria "spa" chapter when? Heh.
Why not? Everybody else has. Seriously, she spends as much time (in fanon), if not more than Fluttershy, submitting to everypony.
She came, we saw, you conquered
Aka, I enjoyed it, nice little oneclop *ba dum pssh*
I can get passed the mistake to tell you that was awsome!!
Enjoyable read... I like fighter-Sunset myself, so I'd would've liked to see at least some reaction/acknowledgement of Adagio's remark of submissiveness. Like others have pointed out, it felt a little rushed... but I don't think lack of build up was as much an issue as how quickly the sex unfolded and wrapped up. Don't get me wrong - I like build up and anticipation and all that good stuff, but the point is that Sunset Shimmer is clearly on the edge of orgasm so I don't think foreplay is the way to go here. (Adagio on the other hand... came quite quickly.)
Though I noticed slight errors, they weren't glaring enough to take me out of story mode. I'm glad you wrote this, since you're only getting better with practice.
Wow I litterly don't know what to say but one word comes to mind.
I was just masturbating, and i might need a few towels.
FUDGESICLES...
Sexy
My only issue was Adagio constantly being reffered to as the 'older woman'.
When i read that i see sunset making out with...
pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/425488919161892864/IYynrbLY.jpeg
...kills the mood in some parts
That issue aside this is pretty hot.
Not bad. I agree with the general consensus though, it definitely could use more to it.
That was fantastic. Well written, but just a bit short.
Right place at the right time! Boo yah! Thumbs up!
Helluva workout session.
The whole premise makes me think of this:
Edit: 6599881 To be fair, Adagio is much older than Sunset, given that she and her sisters/partners-in-crime/whatever were alive during the time of Starswirl the Bearded. (If I remember correctly)
My username is SunDagio4Ever.
This comment is pretty self-explanatory...
SUNDAGIO SHIPPING FOREVER!!!
I can’t ever get enough of these two.