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AzureDreamer
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AzureDreamer
Joined 30th Jul, 2014 ·
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~TOOWC
5985842 Agreed
this was great! keep up the good work
Well.
Okay.
...
unf....
Whyboner keeps refusing to tell me why he found this so enjoyable for me to read... sigh.
More!!! With Maud!
Come on, Twilight, organization is what you do! Work up a list of willing potentials, then set up a rotation based on everyone's schedules and compatible kinks. You could even make charts! Sexy, sexy charts.
This is the biggest cock tease I've ever read, now my boner's all sad
Yes.
Had to stop yourself? I fail to see why! This right here is my jam.
What Tast said
this fuckin' rules
6144750 6144767 yeah, i've already started work on expanding it into a full story.
So my biggest problem with these stories is that they focus more on dialogue, which can be an artistic choice but in the case of the first two chapters, it's mostly done to get a very loose story behind everything. This ends up just making the entire story a conversation, with very little to almost no action between the dialogue. You want to avoid a long monologue (in the case of the second chapter, a dualogue) that has no breaks between the conversation speakers, otherwise you'll lose the reader's interest.
With some editing and corrections you can have a rather strong short story that will have readers coming back for more, but as it stands, the dialogue is mostly filler.
In terms of the newest chapter, you do remedy the problems from the first two chapters in some of Gilda's earlier dialogue, but it would flow better with a paragraph break to separate it out.
You also have issues with commas. Lots of comma overuse. For example:
This can be broken up into another sentence at "there was a creaking noise". For reader immersion, you can even go with some onomatopoeia to really paint the picture in our minds.
In addition, a lot of sentences start with "Fluttershy <BLAH>" or "Gilda <BLAH>". I know writing a story about two females makes it harder because you can't rely on her/she pronouns as much without drawing confusion, yet in this case you can alleviate the issue by saying something about the character. For example: "The timid pegasus", "Rowdy griffon", "Yellow pony", etc, etc. This allows you to not have to over-rely on names to figure out who you are talking about, since both characters are:
A) In the show (we've also seen them visually)
B) Not the same species
This allows you to use simple descriptors to distinguish who the subject is.
Also I need to make a point about the following sentences (there are several portions that I have a problem with but these were the biggest offenders):
She's Fluttershy. Anyone who has seen the show understands that she loves animals, it's only natural. You can explain this in one sentence if you really need to, but it's mostly implied (her vet work that is). Something like "The bulging flesh resembled that of a hybrid of canine and equine genitalia" would work better in my opinion. Granted it sounds somewhat scientific, which might slightly detract, but it is better than saying the same thing twice. The rest of the paragraph attempts to give us the image of the penis, but ends up over explaining it.
This is an incomplete sentence. I understand that you are probably trying to go for that her pants no longer obtained their form or purpose, which could be worded to be rather hot but just ending the sentence there derails the story.
Overall it's okay. I understand it's just meant to be a drabble, something likely written for fun, likely to get the idea out there. And I get that, writing little blurbs is the best way to explore writing, it's really the best time to experiment with your writing and improve as a writer in general. I feel with a little more work (and a tad bit of editing) you can really bloom into an experienced writer.
Good luck! :D
6144887
Oh that's nice to hear. While I didn't expect to see TheDude he's got some good advice. My only nitpick is a personal one: Gilda's penis. Canonically griffons are half cat half bird.
Regardless of what I think it's your story. I'll read it either way; go ham!
6145127
I read almost everything that gets posted to Futaquestria. I vary rarely comment.
6145127 yes, but consider; cat penises and bird penises are seriously not appealing, and griffons dont exist so their penises can look like whatever i want them to. in this case, i based the appearance loosely on the bad dragon griffon dildo.
6144985 thank you for the constructive criticism! i do tend to overuse commas, it's a bad habit i have. i'll tentatively defend my use of dialogue - so long as you give the reader enough of an idea of what's going on, they'll be able to fill in the blanks myself - but i do kind of have to admit that i mostly use it when any descriptions i try to write dont turn out well.
i will aggressively and immovably disagree with you re: using descriptions instead of pronouns or names. i'll definitely agree that i probably underuse pronouns, but using stuff like 'yellow pony' or 'timid pegasus' in place of names and pronouns gets really clunky and awkward and purple really quickly. it's one of the age-old hallmarks of bad fanfiction. i also am going to personally disagree that the description of the penis goes on for too long because this is weird fetish porn, dammit. if anything needs to get gratuitously described, it's dicks.
6145332
It's up to you to take the criticism or leave it. You don't have to change to my standard or anyone else's. You write to your own audience and your own desires. This is fine. Your writing is your own artistic style.
That said, however, I feel like your writing can be improved. Strengthening your writing voice, per se. Take it on face value.
The idea is that you don't use descriptions for every sentence, but it adds variety such that the overall story doesn't end up becoming "and then Fluttershy touched Gilda's penis. Gilda liked it a lot so Fluttershy did it more. Fluttershy was inexperienced and Fluttershy because Fluttershy. Fluttershy was amazed by how big the penis was"
You actually don't use a lot of pronouns, and the point I was making is that using pronouns in a F/F story is a bit more difficult because you don't want to confuse the reader who you are talking about. I know I have this problem myself when writing my own stories.
This is true, and I think I chose my words incorrectly. What I'm trying to express is that you are repeating the same explanation in that paragraph but giving us very little to really build upon the image (or what you do give us lasts for the entirety of one sentence).
Let me break down that paragraph.
This could just be improved on like I said in my last comment.
You have established there is a knot. This is actually a good sentence but you might want to build more. Some authors throw in quantifiers to really hit home the image. It's up to you.
This is the biggest offender of repetition. It has several knots, which you describe by saying knot several times, something that could be better described by other word choice or really describing what the knot itself is (to give more of an image, just don't go too overboard, you'll want to spice it up with other descriptions of the penis to keep readers...intrigued).
Using knot again. Additionally, you can say "like the head of a dogcock and the head of a horsecock all at once" to the tune of something like (mind you this is just an example, really feel free to mix it up): "like the bulky, bludgeoning head of a firm stallionhood, yet still maintaining the perkiness of a dog's eager cock"
This is an instance where showing Gilda's hybrid cockform is more interesting/desirable than just flatly saying "like the head of a dogcock and the head of a horsecock all at once."
This sentence is okay image wise, but has issues with grammar. You are missing a when, you use the word absurd twice in the same sentence, and the sentence ends with a very awkward tune.
The biggest problem with this sentence is that you mention her balls once and then go right back to her cock. Expand on this, tell us how they swell, or how they bulge outward from her thighs or something. This is just telling us stuff, you need to show more! It's very important.
This is nitpicky, but mathematically, you have just told us that her entire package is not very thick. Think about it. Fluttershy is very petite, I don't see her as a body builder, and from what you said before in this exact sentence to the end of it contradicts your entire paragraph.
After every sentence before, this just feels like a "go try to imagine it in your mind now" with very little stability/variety on the overall description.
6145332
Then perhaps I may have misunderstood. The bad dragon dildo has been my go-to for a reference. I understand it isn't accurate insomuch as cat/bird, but I couldn't quite equate your description to the image of the dildo in question; namely the head and the description of the third, medial ring-like protrusion. I digress! I'll leave you in peace to enjoy the rest of your Sunday.
6145890 like i said; the bad dragon dildo was just a starting point. gilda's dick is proportionally longer and has a bit more horsecock to it - in terms of the medial ring and the head.
also its like 30 degrees here so enjoying my sunday was never really gonna happen
Everybody who wants a sequel to this, say aye.
Aye.
Ehrm... okay then.
What...
10/10 would like to see more
6146387 finish this one....we beg of you ;3;
5992471
6201474 eye
6145890
I'm pretty sure he was talking about the veins, not the package...
Instead you give me blue balls
Thanks for doing this! It's excellent and is perfectly in character for her!
This was awesome.
Unf.
Awesome.
Definitely love 7