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Shakespearicles


The Man. The Legend. The World's Strongest Writer

Sequels1

Comments ( 287 )

YES!!!! I have been waiting a year for this hehehe :)

5961475
you are not the only one ^^

You didn't forget so I wrote you a poem:

Roses are red, Twilight mothers mane is purple
Clopping is cloppy, especially to incestrius ponies :derpyderp1:

Thank you and happy mothers day to all

Ah. I was beginning to wonder about the Fimfic holiday tradition...

Like every mother's day, a depraved story like this pops up. Swell job!
Will shining or twilight ever find out about their true relation to each other? Imagine the shitstorm that would happen!

5961765 5961870 Shakespearicles, you have to do that, a bonus chapter or sequel where Twilight and Shining find out.

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

Minor thing you may want to edit.

But the hoofwriting of the address was definitely his mothers.

"mother's"

I guess Freud was right after all. :twilightoops:

Found a minor thing you may want to edit.

Without losing a tempo, Shining rolled out from under her and mas behind her in an instant.

Also, does Luna pretending to be Velvet in a the dream and having sex without him knowing who she really was count as rape?

Nice story so far, but there's a minor thing you may want to edit.

The screech of the trains brakes as it neared the Fillydelphia station woke her from her exhausted slumber.

"train's".

5961564
Admittedly, in many ways this was inevitable.

Father's Day.

2015.

so that's how Luna is able to keep her virginity she just fucks you in your dreams.... nice

5962293

Night Light hovered over his daughter, laying on the bed underneath him with her legs spread wide. His throbbing erection bobbed with each pulse of his pounding heart, a hair's breath from her wet entrance. Her eyes were pleading him to go on. But his conscience was tearing him apart inside, unsure of what to do. It felt so wrong. Lurking in the shadowy corner of the bedroom, Emperor Palpatine offered some parenting advice.

"Do it!"

Nice story, but there's a part where you repeat a word.

He kissed her as she she wrapped her legs around his waist.

I so want Twilight Sparkle to find out who Shining really is of her!

5962606
that would be funny

My body is so fucking ready.

HA, Twilight, stop being silly. Loogies can't even teleport, of course you won.

5962024 you can't rape the willing

5963206 You seem to forget the whole, "pretending to be Velvet" thing. Her hiding her identity makes consent questionable.

I feel like Cadence is in on it and no one knows it. And I'm slightly convinced that wasn't lube

Thanks to this chapter I think there should be a Comedy tag as well.

HA, I totally called this in my comment on the last chapter :rainbowlaugh:
It was still amazing though.

Eh. Not as good as the first. Seems like a huge tone shift, but maybe I'm just remembering things wrong. Cadance stuff was weird. Characters are OOC enough to justify an AU tag. I mean, it was just meh. I guess I'm just not into shameless fanpander clop. Cool if everyone else is, but I like to think that some of your stories don't have to be total shitstorms of WTF. I mean, I'm still reeling from your Twishine story.. Man, that shit was fucking random as all hell at the end..

Unless that was changed. I have no idea, it was years ago.

"Oh look, I beat my loogie to the ground!"

Now that's classic comedy:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

"Please make free reign of any and all amenities during your trip. Free of charge of course. Is there anything I can get for you?"

The phrase is "free rein." It's actually about horse-riding: If you let the reins hang loose, the horse is free to go wherever it pleases. It's almost always meant to be used in the form, "give (someone) free rein (to do something)." On the other hand, "free reign" is a common mistake, but "make free reign of" is an awkward phrase.

I'd recommend a different term, like "free use," since either version of the phrase is odd when coming from a servant -- someone below Twilight Velvet in status and thus not really in a position to grant her authority one way or the other.

5962024 I don't think dreams can be rape. Hell, he even asked her to turn back into Velvet, so he was very willing.

Please tell me that you didn't actually waited an entire year just to post this story?

"But someday, when a mosquito lands on your balls, you're going to learn that violence isn't always the answer."

Twilight been studying Confucius?
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/46816190.jpg

I actually feel bad for Twilight Velvet, because it sounds to me like Shining faked the letter just to get inside his mom. I really hope the writers thing wasn't faked... That could be cruel of Shining, regardless on how much sex he makes it up to her with.

"Here's your real invitation." He said, giving her an envelope. Inside was a similar letter to the one she had received in Canterlot. The only thing that was different was the date. And that she would have to provide her own transportation. And lodging. And meals. Nothing was included. Just an invitation to speak at the banquet.

Phew... Shining didn't make up the invitation. That would have been too cruel.

5961559 That... was kind of horrible. :pinkiesick:

5964650 I still seems pretty off to me. If Luna hadn't turned back into herself during the act, there would be no question about whether or not this is rape.

Comment posted by Sniperwolf24 deleted May 11th, 2015

Alright, in all seriousness, it's posting time.

I didn't like this. Not in an inferior sequel sense, but I actually didn't like this.

The first strike against it for me was the humor, particularly when Luna was involved. I didn't find it particularly funny or endearing, and it came off as more dissociatively awkward than anything. It felt more like a one-time thing, a "hey, I'm Luna" thing that tried to pull it's humor that someone was peeping on Shining rather than why she was or her reactions. She was Velvet! Luna knew this was no longer some errant dream, but Shining willingly wanting to screw his mother and she went along with it. There is a laundry list of possible things to explain and honestly this brings up far more questions than possibilities for humor. It reeked of a missing scene. Luna for sake of Luna, although I love my lovely Luna, isn't funny and it contrasted with the mood. Shining having an extended talk with Luna feels like it still needs to happen.

There are two more points of interest. The first is Shining's actual sex with his mother (a sentence I thought I'd never have to say prior to entering the fandom), and then there's Cadance. Only four chapters, and each chapter is short, but there's quite a bit of buildup before the actual consummation. Still, the sex only occurs in the last half of the last chapters. That's not a good payoff for that buildup and Luna cockblocking half the time prior didn't do the fic any favors. It started fine but dropped off abruptly like it forgot what to do next. The sex might have been satisfying if it had the remainder of the chapter to work with, but it didn't and it suffered for it.

Part of that has to do with Cadance photobombing. I don't mind Cadance's purity being contrasted with her being a skanky sex fiend in the sack. It could have been a real interesting way to spice things up, but again there are some problems. Not only does Shining's relationship have to share with Cadance, it still dealt with Luna. One I could deal with in such a short span, but two pushed it beyond my interest. Cadance showing up only in the last quarter of the last chapter didn't help either. I like Velvet experimenting a little with Cadance and the latter being so slutty about it, but it feels like you were trying so hard to get them together it bordered on noncon. There needed to be a lot more time to flesh out the sex scene with just Shining and Velvet. Forcing Cadance in only squandered that precious time. There's no room to really enjoy and romanticism or sleazy sex.

5964446 This was not lost on me. I felt it would be okay to use considering that she was a pony. But you're right, it does read strangely. I'll change it.
5964662 In total truth, I waited until the week before Sunday to even start it. (Only because someone reminded me that I had promised a sequel last year.) Even then, I didn't even know how it was going to go. The vast majority of the story was written Saturday night in a blitz, fueled by Redbull and vodka. Nothing motivates me like a looming deadline.

I think Luna is the only pony you can be with in your dreams to be considered cheating. Mind you, Cadence might be okay with this, but who knows?

This could have done with a good deal more editing, largely concerning the punctuation. Using periods to replace commas throws everything off grately for me.

5965197 Thank you for your review. I fully intend to go back and flesh out those issues that you brought up. And I Pinkie promise that will see to it ASAP. I wholly admit that things got a little rushed to make the May 10th deadline. I appreciate that you want this story to be the best it can be. After all, I didn't get to be the World's Strongest Writer without lots of constructive criticism along the way.

Incomplete Status: Activate!

5965197

I'm afraid I have to agree with Journeyman. This, just isn't that good. :applejackunsure:

The entire thing with Luna was pretty ridiculous and only disrupted the story. Including Cadence was a major problem as it was a random inclusion of absolutely pointless OOC, and it also defeated the purpose of even making this about Shining and Velvet. In fact, it just occurred to me that Shining and Velvet barely have any time together in this story. There's one very brief scene they have before Cadence shows up, but that's it. The other time Shining was actually with Luna or with Cadence.

I think my biggest issue was that it seems like the story just shot itself in the foot. It took an entertaining premise from several earlier stories and then basically ruined it by throwing in (sort of) rapist Luna, and sex fiend Cadence.

What's worse is that I gave this a like after the first or second chapter, but now that I've finished (and it really doesn't feel like an actual ending, which also relates to why I felt the entire thing was rushed) I kind of wish I didn't. The problem is that after you leave a like or dislike, you can't take it away (say I give a comment a thumbs up. If for whatever reason I wanted to take away that thumbs up but didn't want to give it a thumbs down, then I'd just click the thumbs up button again, and it would remove it). You can change the like to a dislike, but I don't really want to do that. I don't like it as much as I thought I was going to at the start, but I don't dislike it either. :applejackconfused:

5966784 As I've previously commented, I am actively working to revise the story into a more cohesive plot. I regret not explaining Luna's part. This is going to be addressed, as well as embellishing the 'ending'.

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