Like every mother's day, a depraved story like this pops up. Swell job! Will shining or twilight ever find out about their true relation to each other? Imagine the shitstorm that would happen!
Night Light hovered over his daughter, laying on the bed underneath him with her legs spread wide. His throbbing erection bobbed with each pulse of his pounding heart, a hair's breath from her wet entrance. Her eyes were pleading him to go on. But his conscience was tearing him apart inside, unsure of what to do. It felt so wrong. Lurking in the shadowy corner of the bedroom, Emperor Palpatine offered some parenting advice.
Eh. Not as good as the first. Seems like a huge tone shift, but maybe I'm just remembering things wrong. Cadance stuff was weird. Characters are OOC enough to justify an AU tag. I mean, it was just meh. I guess I'm just not into shameless fanpander clop. Cool if everyone else is, but I like to think that some of your stories don't have to be total shitstorms of WTF. I mean, I'm still reeling from your Twishine story.. Man, that shit was fucking random as all hell at the end..
Unless that was changed. I have no idea, it was years ago.
"Here's your real invitation." He said, giving her an envelope. Inside was a similar letter to the one she had received in Canterlot. The only thing that was different was the date. And that she would have to provide her own transportation. And lodging. And meals. Nothing was included. Just an invitation to speak at the banquet.
Phew... Shining didn't make up the invitation. That would have been too cruel.
5964650 I still seems pretty off to me. If Luna hadn't turned back into herself during the act, there would be no question about whether or not this is rape.
Comment posted by Sniperwolf24 deleted May 11th, 2015
I didn't like this. Not in an inferior sequel sense, but I actually didn't like this.
The first strike against it for me was the humor, particularly when Luna was involved. I didn't find it particularly funny or endearing, and it came off as more dissociatively awkward than anything. It felt more like a one-time thing, a "hey, I'm Luna" thing that tried to pull it's humor that someone was peeping on Shining rather than why she was or her reactions. She was Velvet! Luna knew this was no longer some errant dream, but Shining willingly wanting to screw his mother and she went along with it. There is a laundry list of possible things to explain and honestly this brings up far more questions than possibilities for humor. It reeked of a missing scene. Luna for sake of Luna, although I love my lovely Luna, isn't funny and it contrasted with the mood. Shining having an extended talk with Luna feels like it still needs to happen.
There are two more points of interest. The first is Shining's actual sex with his mother (a sentence I thought I'd never have to say prior to entering the fandom), and then there's Cadance. Only four chapters, and each chapter is short, but there's quite a bit of buildup before the actual consummation. Still, the sex only occurs in the last half of the last chapters. That's not a good payoff for that buildup and Luna cockblocking half the time prior didn't do the fic any favors. It started fine but dropped off abruptly like it forgot what to do next. The sex might have been satisfying if it had the remainder of the chapter to work with, but it didn't and it suffered for it.
Part of that has to do with Cadance photobombing. I don't mind Cadance's purity being contrasted with her being a skanky sex fiend in the sack. It could have been a real interesting way to spice things up, but again there are some problems. Not only does Shining's relationship have to share with Cadance, it still dealt with Luna. One I could deal with in such a short span, but two pushed it beyond my interest. Cadance showing up only in the last quarter of the last chapter didn't help either. I like Velvet experimenting a little with Cadance and the latter being so slutty about it, but it feels like you were trying so hard to get them together it bordered on noncon. There needed to be a lot more time to flesh out the sex scene with just Shining and Velvet. Forcing Cadance in only squandered that precious time. There's no room to really enjoy and romanticism or sleazy sex.
5964446 This was not lost on me. I felt it would be okay to use considering that she was a pony. But you're right, it does read strangely. I'll change it. 5964662 In total truth, I waited until the week before Sunday to even start it. (Only because someone reminded me that I had promised a sequel last year.) Even then, I didn't even know how it was going to go. The vast majority of the story was written Saturday night in a blitz, fueled by Redbull and vodka. Nothing motivates me like a looming deadline.
5965197 Thank you for your review. I fully intend to go back and flesh out those issues that you brought up. And I Pinkie promise that will see to it ASAP. I wholly admit that things got a little rushed to make the May 10th deadline. I appreciate that you want this story to be the best it can be. After all, I didn't get to be the World's Strongest Writer without lots of constructive criticism along the way.
I'm afraid I have to agree with Journeyman. This, just isn't that good.
The entire thing with Luna was pretty ridiculous and only disrupted the story. Including Cadence was a major problem as it was a random inclusion of absolutely pointless OOC, and it also defeated the purpose of even making this about Shining and Velvet. In fact, it just occurred to me that Shining and Velvet barely have any time together in this story. There's one very brief scene they have before Cadence shows up, but that's it. The other time Shining was actually with Luna or with Cadence.
I think my biggest issue was that it seems like the story just shot itself in the foot. It took an entertaining premise from several earlier stories and then basically ruined it by throwing in (sort of) rapist Luna, and sex fiend Cadence.
What's worse is that I gave this a like after the first or second chapter, but now that I've finished (and it really doesn't feel like an actual ending, which also relates to why I felt the entire thing was rushed) I kind of wish I didn't. The problem is that after you leave a like or dislike, you can't take it away (say I give a comment a thumbs up. If for whatever reason I wanted to take away that thumbs up but didn't want to give it a thumbs down, then I'd just click the thumbs up button again, and it would remove it). You can change the like to a dislike, but I don't really want to do that. I don't like it as much as I thought I was going to at the start, but I don't dislike it either.
5966784 As I've previously commented, I am actively working to revise the story into a more cohesive plot. I regret not explaining Luna's part. This is going to be addressed, as well as embellishing the 'ending'.
5967065 It's literally right below the one you posted. But I'm just teasing. As I've said, I always appreciate constructive criticism. And I'm putting all the advice I've received (both public and privately) about this story to active use as we speak type.
This chapter... kinda dropped the ball. I mean the other chapters were kind of lackluster but still had some redeeming qualities, but this one just seemed... rushed.
Sorry, I gotta agree with those before me. This isn't like the first at all. There was care and planning put into the first one. This seemed like it was made just so you'd be able to say you posted something for mother's day.
Was Velvet stomach down as she held onto Shining Armor as he walked? Cause that would mean that she'd have some weirdly flexible appendages that were strong in a direction that they shouldn't be.
YES!!!! I have been waiting a year for this hehehe :)
5961475
you are not the only one ^^
You didn't forget so I wrote you a poem:
Roses are red, Twilight mothers mane is purple
Clopping is cloppy, especially to incestrius ponies
Thank you and happy mothers day to all
Ah. I was beginning to wonder about the Fimfic holiday tradition...
i.lvme.me/1jj2hk1.jpg
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Like every mother's day, a depraved story like this pops up. Swell job!
Will shining or twilight ever find out about their true relation to each other? Imagine the shitstorm that would happen!
5961475 5961528 5961559 5961564 5961606 5961765
quickmeme.com/img/11/1108020b64cbfab5dade9bf9fff0e7a1f5584bf8cc9b10f721a72b439b3a338e.jpg
5961765 5961870 Shakespearicles, you have to do that, a bonus chapter or sequel where Twilight and Shining find out.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
I guess Freud was right after all.
5961988 5962024 5962055 Fixed! Thank you for the help.
5961938 Consider it considered.
i.imgur.com/Tsd0BGr.gif
5961564
Admittedly, in many ways this was inevitable.
Father's Day.
2015.
so that's how Luna is able to keep her virginity she just fucks you in your dreams.... nice
5962293
5962492
cdn.meme.am/instances/54163835.jpg
Nice story, but there's a part where you repeat a word.
I so want Twilight Sparkle to find out who Shining really is of her!
5962606
that would be funny
My body is so fucking ready.
media.giphy.com/media/2f4jfVjAuZUe4/giphy.gif
NO! I will not succumb!
media.giphy.com/media/yw9GPhXlqPuEM/giphy.gif
5963206 You seem to forget the whole, "pretending to be Velvet" thing. Her hiding her identity makes consent questionable.
5962554 Fixed. Thanks.
HA, I totally called this in my comment on the last chapter
It was still amazing though.
Eh. Not as good as the first. Seems like a huge tone shift, but maybe I'm just remembering things wrong. Cadance stuff was weird. Characters are OOC enough to justify an AU tag. I mean, it was just meh. I guess I'm just not into shameless fanpander clop. Cool if everyone else is, but I like to think that some of your stories don't have to be total shitstorms of WTF. I mean, I'm still reeling from your Twishine story.. Man, that shit was fucking random as all hell at the end..
Unless that was changed. I have no idea, it was years ago.
Please tell me that you didn't actually waited an entire year just to post this story?
Phew... Shining didn't make up the invitation. That would have been too cruel.
5961559 That... was kind of horrible.
5964650 I still seems pretty off to me. If Luna hadn't turned back into herself during the act, there would be no question about whether or not this is rape.
Alright, in all seriousness, it's posting time.
I didn't like this. Not in an inferior sequel sense, but I actually didn't like this.
The first strike against it for me was the humor, particularly when Luna was involved. I didn't find it particularly funny or endearing, and it came off as more dissociatively awkward than anything. It felt more like a one-time thing, a "hey, I'm Luna" thing that tried to pull it's humor that someone was peeping on Shining rather than why she was or her reactions. She was Velvet! Luna knew this was no longer some errant dream, but Shining willingly wanting to screw his mother and she went along with it. There is a laundry list of possible things to explain and honestly this brings up far more questions than possibilities for humor. It reeked of a missing scene. Luna for sake of Luna, although I love my lovely Luna, isn't funny and it contrasted with the mood. Shining having an extended talk with Luna feels like it still needs to happen.
There are two more points of interest. The first is Shining's actual sex with his mother (a sentence I thought I'd never have to say prior to entering the fandom), and then there's Cadance. Only four chapters, and each chapter is short, but there's quite a bit of buildup before the actual consummation. Still, the sex only occurs in the last half of the last chapters. That's not a good payoff for that buildup and Luna cockblocking half the time prior didn't do the fic any favors. It started fine but dropped off abruptly like it forgot what to do next. The sex might have been satisfying if it had the remainder of the chapter to work with, but it didn't and it suffered for it.
Part of that has to do with Cadance photobombing. I don't mind Cadance's purity being contrasted with her being a skanky sex fiend in the sack. It could have been a real interesting way to spice things up, but again there are some problems. Not only does Shining's relationship have to share with Cadance, it still dealt with Luna. One I could deal with in such a short span, but two pushed it beyond my interest. Cadance showing up only in the last quarter of the last chapter didn't help either. I like Velvet experimenting a little with Cadance and the latter being so slutty about it, but it feels like you were trying so hard to get them together it bordered on noncon. There needed to be a lot more time to flesh out the sex scene with just Shining and Velvet. Forcing Cadance in only squandered that precious time. There's no room to really enjoy and romanticism or sleazy sex.
5964446 This was not lost on me. I felt it would be okay to use considering that she was a pony. But you're right, it does read strangely. I'll change it.
5964662 In total truth, I waited until the week before Sunday to even start it. (Only because someone reminded me that I had promised a sequel last year.) Even then, I didn't even know how it was going to go. The vast majority of the story was written Saturday night in a blitz, fueled by Redbull and vodka. Nothing motivates me like a looming deadline.
5965197 Thank you for your review. I fully intend to go back and flesh out those issues that you brought up. And I Pinkie promise that will see to it ASAP. I wholly admit that things got a little rushed to make the May 10th deadline. I appreciate that you want this story to be the best it can be. After all, I didn't get to be the World's Strongest Writer without lots of constructive criticism along the way.
Incomplete Status: Activate!
5965197
I'm afraid I have to agree with Journeyman. This, just isn't that good.
The entire thing with Luna was pretty ridiculous and only disrupted the story. Including Cadence was a major problem as it was a random inclusion of absolutely pointless OOC, and it also defeated the purpose of even making this about Shining and Velvet. In fact, it just occurred to me that Shining and Velvet barely have any time together in this story. There's one very brief scene they have before Cadence shows up, but that's it. The other time Shining was actually with Luna or with Cadence.
I think my biggest issue was that it seems like the story just shot itself in the foot. It took an entertaining premise from several earlier stories and then basically ruined it by throwing in (sort of) rapist Luna, and sex fiend Cadence.
What's worse is that I gave this a like after the first or second chapter, but now that I've finished (and it really doesn't feel like an actual ending, which also relates to why I felt the entire thing was rushed) I kind of wish I didn't. The problem is that after you leave a like or dislike, you can't take it away (say I give a comment a thumbs up. If for whatever reason I wanted to take away that thumbs up but didn't want to give it a thumbs down, then I'd just click the thumbs up button again, and it would remove it). You can change the like to a dislike, but I don't really want to do that. I don't like it as much as I thought I was going to at the start, but I don't dislike it either.
5966784 As I've previously commented, I am actively working to revise the story into a more cohesive plot. I regret not explaining Luna's part. This is going to be addressed, as well as embellishing the 'ending'.
5966977
My bad. When I look through the comments I tend to just skim them more than anything. I must have missed the comment you left.
5967065 It's literally right below the one you posted. But I'm just teasing. As I've said, I always appreciate constructive criticism. And I'm putting all the advice I've received (both public and privately) about this story to active use as we
speaktype.5967374
It is?
*Looks at last comment on page 1*
Oh, it is. I, uh, I knew that.
i know some one has said something, but i wonder if Velvet will let Twilight's secret out since this an actual story?
This chapter... kinda dropped the ball. I mean the other chapters were kind of lackluster but still had some redeeming qualities, but this one just seemed... rushed.
Sorry, I gotta agree with those before me. This isn't like the first at all. There was care and planning put into the first one. This seemed like it was made just so you'd be able to say you posted something for mother's day.
5968470 I c wut u did there author
5962492
"Shining Armor hovered over his daughter"
FTFY
5968903 This guy gets it.
5969239 Looking forward to more hehe
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/552/692/aa2.png
5966625
Director: Hey Fluttershy! We need a freshly washed Opal on the set!
Then again, Opal being a nice pussy is likely still up for debate.
Would it be fucked up to say that was HOT!
Was Velvet stomach down as she held onto Shining Armor as he walked?
Cause that would mean that she'd have some weirdly flexible appendages that were strong in a direction that they shouldn't be.