This could have done with a good deal more editing, largely concerning the punctuation. Using periods to replace commas throws everything off grately for me.
Everything feels extremely hectic from the get-go. Shining and Twilight are varying amounts of out-of-character, which is a little disorienting, but not much of a problem. Will read on later.
"Shining, I know you were in the Guard for a long time." She said "But someday, when a mosquito lands on your balls, you're going to learn that violence isn't always the answer."
There could be ten of you and I'd still be able to cut through all of you like cake!" He spat, tossing the sword on the ground the guards' hooves as the train began to pull away from the station.
"Gah!" Shining gasped as his eyes shot open. He was still under the covers of his bed. "Wow, that was a weird dream." On the pillow beside him, a mare rolled over. "You're telling me," Princess Luna said.
XD so many times have I seen this. Though it's usually a guy that's beside the dreaming guy.
5971885 Just imagined a villain taking a sword from a guard in front of him, melting it down in his hands, then giving it back saying "Make something you can use"
Also, your Twilight is much more insane than I think she ought to be... I can see her maybe pulling a stunt like that once she has been driven to the brink of her patience, but not as a first resort. I guess it's entertaining, but I don't really like it?
Kinda weird to see Twilight with guards assigned to her. After the movie/2017, it's a little weird that neither of them are Tempest Shadow. Also odd that she's not buddy buddy with the assigned guards. Kinda wished that Twilight getting guards assigned to her was an episode or mini arc.
Though there are practical reasons (for the writers and artists) for not giving Twilight guards, since Flash would crash with too many characters on screen, and that's more characters to write for in a scene. As the seasons went on and more characters were added, the animation team ran into Flash's limitations more often. They had trouble making the Kirin village look more populated than what we saw.
"Oh sure. I've been craving it. But you know how your father is," she winked. Shining kissed her, pressing his hips toward hers. In his haste, he was finding it difficult to hit his mark. At the risk of souring the mood, he broke the kiss, taking his length in his hoof to aim it manually, pulling her tail aside with his other hoof. As soon as her tail was moved he was greeted by a surprising sight. A pony's head was sticking out of her vagina. She looked up at him from under the tail.
"Hi Shining! It's me, your little sister" Twilight Sparkle said. "I'm here to out-shine you at everything you do, and be mom and dad's favorite foal. You can run off to join the Royal Guard, but you're going to have to marry a princess before they notice you again!"
Minor thing you may want to edit.
"mother's"
HA, Twilight, stop being silly. Loogies can't even teleport, of course you won.
Thanks to this chapter I think there should be a Comedy tag as well.
Now that's classic comedy
Twilight been studying Confucius?
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/46816190.jpg
This could have done with a good deal more editing, largely concerning the punctuation. Using periods to replace commas throws everything off grately for me.
Everything feels extremely hectic from the get-go. Shining and Twilight are varying amounts of out-of-character, which is a little disorienting, but not much of a problem. Will read on later.
This was a nice set-up chapter. Nice to have some comedy to offset the drama.
Took me a moment to plug that in.
Melt it down and add it to the others!
XD so many times have I seen this. Though it's usually a guy that's beside the dreaming guy.
5971885
Just imagined a villain taking a sword from a guard in front of him, melting it down in his hands, then giving it back saying "Make something you can use"
One chapter in, and you've already made this fic Not Safe For Woona.
I love it.
6244220 my favorite part is Luna actually being "what the fuck"
Geez, your Shining Armor is such a drunkard...
Also, your Twilight is much more insane than I think she ought to be... I can see her maybe pulling a stunt like that once she has been driven to the brink of her patience, but not as a first resort. I guess it's entertaining, but I don't really like it?
the atmosphere seems kind of jovial. I would expect them to be quite solemn.
8051767 well yes, but messing with the guards is just too tempting.
Could happen for real. Or didn't it already?
Welcome to the matrix.
Kinda weird to see Twilight with guards assigned to her.
After the movie/2017, it's a little weird that neither of them are Tempest Shadow.
Also odd that she's not buddy buddy with the assigned guards.
Kinda wished that Twilight getting guards assigned to her was an episode or mini arc.
Though there are practical reasons (for the writers and artists) for not giving Twilight guards, since Flash would crash with too many characters on screen, and that's more characters to write for in a scene. As the seasons went on and more characters were added, the animation team ran into Flash's limitations more often.
They had trouble making the Kirin village look more populated than what we saw.
questionablecontent.net/comics/2874.png
I laughed so hard at this...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the Grandmare lived in Manehattan? Did the world's strongest writer make a typo?
11594219
No. She, uh... moved.
:D