- Member Since 17th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen 8 minutes ago
Nicranger
Not much to say about me. Got a few stories on fanfiction and thats about it. First story was recieved well and I've only gotten better as I've made more.
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I really hope the Elements of Harmony will put this joker in his place.
I know, it might be strange to say that considering what happened in the story. But see, the problem here is that all this backstory flashes by so ridiculously fast and completely over the top that it's damn near impossible to form an emotional connection to anything. Any sympathy the audience might develop for the protagonist is overshadowed by that.
Where did Celestia's reaction to his breakthrough come from, for example? I suspect she didn't usually act this way, or Setting Dawn would not have been so completely surprised. And he had good reason to be surprised, as her reaction went against how she always acts on the show. So why yell at him like that?
Why did his parents suddenly neglect him to the point of not feeding him anymore? And did Gleaming Shield suffer the same fate? Why didn't he have any friends? The ponies around Twilight tried their best to get her out of her shell again and again, but for some reason Setting Dawn got hit with the hate stick?
At this point, I'm more convinced that most of what Setting Dawn laments only happened in his mind; that his quest for revenge is fuelled by insanity, not legitimate grievances. As in, that his research was reckless and dangerous, that Celestia didn't yell at him, that his parents put up food for their only son but his mind just wouldn't let him see it, and that he unknowingly drove away all the ponies who'd wanted to be his friend or plain failed to perceive them.
Actually, all things considered, that would be a neat twist!
On a technical level: Don't be afraid of the comma. Your dialogue especially suffers from a lack of breaks. Most readers find sentences like
very taxing. Perhaps you could break it up into pieces where you think a break could or should be added. Like
People need to breathe while speaking (unless they're Pinkie Pie) and many readers prefer a style that reflects that.
Most importantly, don't let yourself be discouraged!
Cheers!
A lot of back story in one place but I love the idea.
Out of character, and flatly not funny.
Why would Celestia bother tutoring someone she didn`t intend to use in any way? "Best student"? If she could determine who would be the best at the glance, why bother teaching a pony who`d never be it?
Verdict? Gary Stu. Have your well-deserved thumbs down.
Who's Gleaming Shield? You mean Shining Armor, right?
I need more please, This is a good story
Dude get your ass moving and make more of this, it's about time someone did this differently and in my opinion better.
I really do love the idea, its quite grand, but this one chapter could have been stretched into an entire story with all of the backstory that was completely rushed and crammed into this opening chapter. also there are numerous grammatical errors and bland paragraphs that are one or two sentences long, but should be five to nine. I advise you to read this guide to help you be a better writer http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide . also, Read more high quality fanfiction so you can be exposed to a truly satisfying form.
I'm very interested in this story but it is WAY too rushed. read that guide and I assure you your skills in writing will improve my good sir.
I have to admit that i rather like the concept behind this story, but the backstory feels way to rushed. I would advice you to stretch out the flashback backstory to 2 or 3 chapters and then continue with the present time. Also, you really should use commas more often. All in all, i look forward to seeing where this is going. Best of luck to you :)
it seems a little rushed but i like it.
Very well, keep going then. And remember those commas.
I say you should let your oc explain during a fight or something...That's my suggestion
I look forward to reading more chapters.
Rushed but good. Hey when are you going to update your other stories with chapters?
You are hands down getting better at writing, keep at it.
would like to say one thing, and that is that you seem to have a lack of commas. commas help to shape the flow of your text, which is a great way to get your point across.
And now...
CHAOS!
5741181
I agree. This story would; flow so much better, make a lot more sense, and be easier to read if more commas were included.
think below you meant hide
'Hey dad is there any other way for me to hard my dark magic
so much for a reason to hide dark magic, seriously if it wasn't illegal why.. never mind still no point in not having dark magic now. ( Also might be time to call the guard and report everyone there for breaking and entering, also royalty or not crime should still be the same.)
Great story, just hope for more chapters
Update?
Atleast one person agrees with me and isn't afraid to say it.
Does he realy want to deal with the cutie mark crusaders? Is he mad?
6160414
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/60708633.jpg
If he can unleash them against his enemies, there will be suffering untold.
I hope he'll crash and burn in the end.
6231569 personally i hope the celestia in this story is the one who burns. She's a royal ass hole
yes, he is crazy.
Let her burn.
More please
Apprentice to King Sombra? Knows how to use dark magic? Definitly a like and favorite!
Also, cdn.meme.am/instances/55377693.jpg
It lives! Also, finally someone calls out Celestia on just abandoning him. Well done sir, well done. Also, are we going to see zecora?
I like where this is going and I'm looking forward to more
I really like this style of story, unfortunately most of them are shit :/
But this one is really good, can't wait to read more >:)
(we really need an "evil" emoticon)
you have no idea how long ive been waiting for this and it's everything i hoped for and more
I NEED MOAR!!
MOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRR!
I guess you might ship Rising Dusk and Queen Chrysalis.
mmmh... Sunset Shimmer and now this...
Maybe Celestia did the same thing to Sunset and that's why she ran away.
You could have him find Sunset in the EQG world and make him teach her his dark ways.
Just a suggestion :)
Wow your celestia is appearing more villainous in each chapter!
6825168 to be honest celestial always seemed like a villain to me. I mean think about she has a entire country following her blindly, trapped most of her enemy's in stone, and swept them under the rug as if she doesn't have to deal with them ever again.
She made her self look like a perfect being to her subjects and the whole Alcorn thing enforces that.
When she trapped discord in stone my only question was 'was he aware of the passage of time and was he conscious the whole time?'
she forgot about all her enemy's and erased most from the history books. that just bad planning I mean look at Hitler and napoleon, they both did the same thing and Hitler knew what might happen. weather I'm calling celestial napoleon or Hitler I don't know. one of the two, maybe both I don't know, it's 11PM and I'm tired, chances are I won't remember any of this.
6825745 Doesn't Celestia make all of her enemies sound like they are some of the most evil things in existence.
You i see alot of stories that have celestia as a good mare but it is refreshing to see stories like this that have celestia as a villain
6826326 yea she does, and when it comes to the stuff those "evil" people did all we get is her word and nothing else. the only one that really could be evil is Teirk and even then it's only celestia's word and a couple things he said, and even then he's been stuck in the same room for over a millennia, that could take a mental toll on anyone. for all we know Tierk could be insane with his only thoughts being revenge on those that put him in his own personal hell.
6826558 Yeah. Discord was just childish, but not evil.
6826568 exactly and since he's basically chaos incarnate he would need to cause chaos on a regular basis or he could die
6825745
I'd go with the Hitler comparison, as Napoleon was an incredibly talented man, both socially and militarily as opposed to Hitler who, whilst adept at social manipulation was rather militarily retarded. Much like Celestia.
6828424 true and Hitler could paint. sort of
Well this is coming along quite nicely. I wonder if we are going to see a chapter where the pov is of a different character. I would like to see how twilight thinks of her newly returned brother and whether she feels any guilt at all for how he became.
6845758 I agree. Let's us see guilty twilight or Celestia.
That's what I want to see !!
Really good chapter, the lies! the schemes! the DRAMA !!!
...I want more...I need more....please
you know, sometimes, I love Celestia. then sometimes I think she's absolutely stupid. this is the latter