• Member Since 21st Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 12th, 2015

Darkened5ky


18-year-old awesome brony who writes for fun. Also speedruns Zelda OoT and OoT 3D.

Sequels1

  • T Dark Genesis
    Ventus, in a final ditch effort to save Equestria, travels back in time to stop the terrorizing of Unicornia. But he is completely unprepared for what he finds hidden within the folds of history...
    Darkened5ky · 8.2k words  ·  10  2 · 231 views


T
Source

Twilight has been assigned by Princess Celestia to study Dark Magic, something that has almost virtually died out. One day, halfway through her assignment, she receives a surprise visit from the Princess herself, who gives warning that dark and trying times are coming, and returns home. A confused Twilight then begins searching for large problems, both inside Equestria and out. When she discovers a major threat that nopony is prepared for, things quickly go downhill. Equestria seems doomed to total destruction, until a hooded pony appears with an offer. An offer that could either save them from catastrophe, or make things much, much worse...

Story is canon until Twilight becomes an Alicorn.

The idea for this (as well as the title) came from the game, Dark Cloud. I am not affiliated with Sony or Level-5 in any way.


Sequel: Dark Genesis


Cover by yours truly.

Chapters (19)
Comments ( 57 )

I like how you wrote the fight scenes. Great chapter, looking forward for the next one.

Gotta say, I am excited for this!
Question, will you editing the chapters in order, like first the first, then the second one and so on, or will it just be random?
I really want to reread the edited version of the story. :twilightsmile:

I really like these edited chapters. Keep up the good work.

3401678 (sorry I never replied to this, never saw it. :/ )
Yes, I will be editing them in order. So it'll be a long time before I edit Oaths, Stories, and the rest of them, because I will be publishing the new chapters first.

I think you did an amazing job with this one! :twilightsmile:
Any idea when will you release the next chapter?

Really nice chapter! I can imagine Twilight's reaction when she wakes up.
I don't usually do this, but one thing I wanted to point out:

WE ARE THE CRYSTAL EMIPRE

Small spelling mistake with empire. The same mistake in the previous chapter. Sorry if you don't like me pointing this out.
Merry Christmas to you as well!
Looking forward to the next chapter.

Hmmm... What happened? Maybe that mysterious pony mentioned earlier broke into the castle? Maybe Sombra broke in somehow?
Or maybe this was all just a dream? We shall see.

No, you are awesome for writing this story! :twilightsmile:
Happy New Year! :twilightsmile:

Things are starting to get more and more interesting. Will Twilight obey Celestia's and Ventu's orders? I hope not.

It slightly saddens me to know that we won't get the next chapter in a while, but oh well, it will be worth the wait I'm sure. :twilightsmile:

Great job! :pinkiehappy:

I knew Twilight wouldn't listen.
Fluttershy is becoming a badass commander, nice!

Well, I can say that I'm beyond glad that I found this story.. Best prologue hook I've read in a damn long time. You've got a like fave and follow just from that.
I'll comment periodically as I read, so you'll hear from me again.

Other than the break I had to take to run a few errands, I haven't been able to stop reading this.. So very glad that I found it.

The population counter is making me uneasy.. I just have that feeling I'm going to get to the end of some chapter and that number will be Significantly reduced... :applejackunsure:

Bit of a wall'o'quotes.. Sorry in advance. :rainbowwild:

“Oh, we just can’t have her in public like this,[Missed end quote] Rarity said,

but Fluttershy and the cakes[Capitalize] wouldn't

"Sonic Rainboom".[No matter how much I hate this rule, punctuation goes inside quotes.]

They were banished them from Equestria after some...

He had set a spell in Canterlot that would block any letters from him from arriving, until it was deactivated by the two mares being in contact with each other. He sent the letter, knowing that the spell would block the letter's arrival until the proper time.[Second sentence is a bit repetitive, seeing as all it really does is restate what you said, while mentioning he sent it. Might want to reword that a bit.]

"What the hay does that mean?" [Just a general note; sometimes you use 'hey' and others 'hay.' While that's really nitpicky of me, I just figured I'd mention it as something I noticed.]

almost completed [Not the best word choice here.] with the several hour trip.

and so we can easier guard Celestia while she’s on it. ['more easily' or perhaps 'so we can guard Celestia easier...']

‘not be pleased’.[Same as before.]

with the royal business if anyone asks;['The' royal business makes me think along the same lines as 'The family business.' Except the family business in a gang family..]

"Much worse things??"[This is something I had drilled into me overtime. Never, Ever use multiple exclamation or question marks. Use one or both, along with italics and underline to stress as needed. There's another instance of that right after this in the same paragraph as well.]

"SPIKE!!!!"[I'd honestly bold this rather than underlining, but that's a style thing you'll have to decide on and be consistent with. And the same as the above quote.]

Might just want to Ctrl + f '??' and '!!' because there are a couple more instances of that, and it'd be an even longer comment if I quoted all of them.

Hurriedly, she used a spell to check that [You appear to be missing some words here.] She shook him until he began stirring.

She stopped when she saw [Would she really 'see' it enter? Just an honest question on that.] yet another note enter her magical storage.

That's all I saw/wanted to point out. Sorry again for the wall'o'quotes.. But this is the kind of thing I do, so... yeah. :twilightblush:
Anyway, loved the chapter, and I'm totally not stopping reading this till I get to the end. Well, the end being what all is posted now.
Until next time!
~~Sparky

“Twilight!!”[Same thing I said last chapter. Might want to give all of them a look and see if you did this anywhere else as well.]

“Yeah... About that...”[Generally after an ellipses you don't capitalize. At least in a situation like this.]

"The Stare Master".[Punctuation inside quotes.]

her[Capitalize] horn was glowing slightly,

Much better this chapter. Also; Holy population drop..
Gah... stupid nocturnal schedule that I still can't break.. I don't want to stop reading... but I'm passing out on my keyboard again. So it's entirely possible I missed a few things.

Anyway, I'll be back! Sometime tonight, hopefully.
Until then!
~~Sparky

All I really noticed were the multiple exclamation and question marks. Other than that I didn't catch anything. I know I probably missed something though.

but I also believe he wan’t acting of his own free will.

They had been asked to assist the army in the eradication of Sombra's armmy.

What doesn it have to do with this?"

That's all I noticed, minus the same exclamation/question mark thing.

So please, take two more seconds out of your day to say something.

Something. 31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyiz9j31bc1r3k1m8o1_500.png

I keed, I keed. I've loved this story so far. Definitely getting added to my top favorites. Other than that, I don't really have a whole lot to say. :twilightblush:

Interesting start. Overpowered oc fics are a dime a dozen, but there's some unknown Nick to this that makes me want to keep reading.

So about two thirds of equestrian population lived in the Crystal empire?

3845165 Nah, it's 12.5% in total. The most heavily populated cities are Canterlot, Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and Detrot.

3838644 Yeah, but this story is focused more on Twilight than Ventus.
I see you decided to read on, hopefully you've enjoyed it thus far!

Damn, so much information in one chapter. This rewrite is awesome!
I can't speak Japanese (google translate ftw :twilightsheepish:)

This is awesome!
I need more! :flutterrage:
Please update when you can :twilightsmile:

'Nother slight wall'o'quotes.

“How did you see me coming??"[... *Smacks you on nose with newspaper* To quote myself from a previous chapter;]

[This is something I had drilled into me overtime. Never, Ever use multiple exclamation or question marks. Use one or both, along with italics and underline to stress as needed.]

What are you??”[See Previous.]

“Wait, what??”[^]

“How did your research team learn all of this??” he asked. “How did you know what spells to use, what crystals to use, and things like that??”[Double 'No.' Again, see above.]

"If you need questions answered, there's only one who can do it, no matter what the question. We call him "The Eye of Truth."[Generally when you 'quote' something within dialogue, you use single quotes, so you don't cause any confusion with the main dialogue tags.] He speaks in riddles, but he can help you."

"So in this firest[Ummm... Pretty sure that's a typo.] I abide."

"I know here[Intentional?] he dwells, you see. If you wish to see him, follow me."

slightly[Capitalize.] apprehensive, Ventus

"I don't know,[Missing end quote.] Ventus said.

That's all I spotted. I'll get to the next chapter some time later.
Until next time;

~~Sparky

but[The initial problem is that this isn't capitalized, but after giving it a couple read-throughs, the sentence can honestly go without it.(Capitalize 'as,' obviously.)] as he looked into Celestia's face, he immediately knew there was something wrong.

soon, she was standing
the door swung open, [Need to capitalize the beginnings of both of these sentences.]

then where??"[I'm not sure I even need to say what's wrong here.]

"RARITY!!"[Need I say it again?]

“Let me go!!"[...]

Celestia whispered to the new[now] empty room.

The water cyclone stopped swirling, and all fell back to the ocean[We both know you can do better than than.]. Twilight began falling the 100 foot descent[Exact measurements, especially in this sort of scene; no-go. Shouldn't be hard to reword that.] to the water.

back across the dark bedroom back[Bit repetitive; could remove the second 'back' or just find a way to reword it.]

"Luna!!!"[This would be a time for caps, methinks. And crop the extra two exclamation points..]

This chapter... Just, wow. Why everyone gotta die, man? (Not a serious question. Just my main, overall thoughts.)
As far as 'corrections,' I'm definitely seeing less errors than I was in the previous chapters. So that's good.

Other than that, I still can't wait for more!
Until then;
~~Sparky

Finally had the time to read this!
Sombra destroying everything, everyone dying, getting better and better

3970880 Old habits die hard, man. :twilightsheepish: There were extra exclamation points in the Spike/Rarity scene because I copy/pasted part of it from one of the old chapters, where we only experienced it in a flashback.
I finally got around to fixing the errors you pointed out in these chapters. Seriously, I need to give my pre-readers/other editors a good kick. You're doing a much better job than them, and I appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

"And how do we know we can trust you?" Discord asked, arms folded and an eyebrow raised. "I haven't met any decent decent beings of that kind before."

You added two decent's in there.

Ventus just got more badass than ever! :rainbowderp:
Awesome!

Hmmm... Knowing how it ends in the old version, this new ship intrigues me quite a lot.
I want to know what happens!
Next chapter please :twilightsmile:

These cliffhangers :flutterrage:
Great job though, please update :twilightsmile:

So "Here's Johnny" is there because John de Lancie.

If you didn't come right out and say that, I don't know that I would have ever realized that.. Also, didn't see any errors at all. I may have missed some, but overall better than previous chapters on that front! Time to catch up!

Count me interested in your view of the map. Didn't spot any errors this time around either. I guess you weren't kidding when you said you were gonna kick your editors/proofreaders in the ass. :derpytongue2:

I am interested in the map.
Hmmm... Where will this lead Sombra?

“Imagine, for a moment, that you were the one who opened the world crack. Right there next to Eden, where only the most powerful beings in creation live. What do you would happen to you?"

You missed a word at the end of this paragraph. Speed isn't everything in writing, you know.

4109607
Lol, nope. There was still an error in this.

and some grabbed some old, rock-hard candy

"GET DOWN!!"

You know the drill.

“I can’t leave him here!!”

Same as above.

Fluttershy and Spine turned

Who?


And then there were three... I don't really have much to say at this point..
Until the next, and last, one.

I think you have repeated this for how many times that I didn't even count?

4180946 Well, he's basically my third editor. I appreciate what he does. I just end up making the same mistakes due to copy/paste. :facehoof:

Just so everypony knows, I'm not a perfect editor. So if you find mistakes in Sky's writing, let him know! I don't catch everything! :twilightsmile:

4180955 ah okay. :P Sorry

"Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a cupcake in my eye."

Just pointing out that a 'Pinkie Promise' is hope to fly, not die. But that's something you have to decide, seeing as in the situation Ventus could say anything.

Then, they simultaneously moved towards each other, and wrapped their hooves around each other in a gentle embrace.

Bit repetitive with 'each other' but not terribly bad.

Ventus considered what could've happened if the war had never happened.

Same as above. Might substitute 'occurred' for the second happened.

After another minute, they ran towards the remnants of a large domed building. The dome had fallen sideways onto the ground, and had cracked into several pieces. They saw a snow-white pony standing a little way beyond the smoldering wreckage. Twilight stopped, and so did Ventus.

Bit telly. Might consider changing it up to be Ventus'/Twilight's observations on the matter instead of just an ambiguous statement.

Twilight's mind slowed down, as began to fade from consciousness

as she began

he dug a hole 5 feet in length and width, and 2 feet deep.

Under ten, spell it out.

Its better than nothing, he told himself.

It's (Didn't see any other instances of this, but I didn't really look.)

Definitely looking forward to more, 5ky. You've kept me entertained the whole way through.

4181982
No one is perfect. And when it comes to editing, it gets even harder to get anywhere near that 'perfect' standard. So many rules, and little nuances that are impossible to remember. And half the time you spend so much time looking for the little things, that you miss the glaringly obvious. In my experiences, at least. You never stop learning in this 'job' known as editing, either. I've learned more since I started doing this kind of thing for 'fun' than I ever have in any school. From what I've seen; you are doing a pretty good job already. Keep up the good work.

4180946
Sorry if my comments come across as annoying, I just try to help out where I can and in this case it was easier for me to just comment corrections/thoughts instead of sending a PM, or whathaveyou. I would go through and delete all my comments but I find that a bunch of 'This comment has been removed' more disruptive and annoying than seeing corrections. I suppose I could edit them to remove said corrections, but I would rather not take the time with my slow internet.

4180955
If you would prefer me to go through and delete/edit comments to clear up some of the clutter, I would be happy to oblige. Just let me know. And if I notice errors/something worth mentioning in the future and you would rather me get that to you in a different way, you need only say the word.
:heart: Glad to know I'm appreciated. :derpytongue2: I'm here to help, so the fact that my comments can help, or at least point out something worth noting is all that matters.
Have a good one, 5ky. Keep up the great work and give me a shout if you're ever in need of another pair of eyes to pick things apart.

4185296
4186528 So I added some background music of feels in here. I think you guys should re-read it with the music. It almost made me :raritycry: , and I was the one who wrote the scene!

4197677 I didn't see it the music in the chapter :P Correct if I'm wrong though

4201463 it's a YouTube video, but it's there.

Don't know why, but for the past several weeks I didn't feel like reading anything.
I saw this in my favourites today and I was like well, I really should continue this story.
I remembered how addictive it is! I would finish it today, but tomorrow's exam is forcing me to go back to studying. :fluttercry:
And now I see there is sequel to this, you have been busy, haven't you.
Anyway, I will continue this tomorrow. :twilightsmile:

I decided to read this chapter too :twilightsheepish:
Only 3 left...
I shall read the final confrontation tomorrow.

Login or register to comment