All I ever wanted was to be recognized. I was Celestia's most prized pupil and loved it more than anything. But everything changed when SHE was born. Now I'm back and my sister Twilight Sparkle and everyone else will pay for what they did to me.
I really hope the Elements of Harmony will put this joker in his place.
I know, it might be strange to say that considering what happened in the story. But see, the problem here is that all this backstory flashes by so ridiculously fast and completely over the top that it's damn near impossible to form an emotional connection to anything. Any sympathy the audience might develop for the protagonist is overshadowed by that.
Where did Celestia's reaction to his breakthrough come from, for example? I suspect she didn't usually act this way, or Setting Dawn would not have been so completely surprised. And he had good reason to be surprised, as her reaction went against how she always acts on the show. So why yell at him like that?
Why did his parents suddenly neglect him to the point of not feeding him anymore? And did Gleaming Shield suffer the same fate? Why didn't he have any friends? The ponies around Twilight tried their best to get her out of her shell again and again, but for some reason Setting Dawn got hit with the hate stick?
At this point, I'm more convinced that most of what Setting Dawn laments only happened in his mind; that his quest for revenge is fuelled by insanity, not legitimate grievances. As in, that his research was reckless and dangerous, that Celestia didn't yell at him, that his parents put up food for their only son but his mind just wouldn't let him see it, and that he unknowingly drove away all the ponies who'd wanted to be his friend or plain failed to perceive them.
Actually, all things considered, that would be a neat twist!
On a technical level: Don't be afraid of the comma. Your dialogue especially suffers from a lack of breaks. Most readers find sentences like
"I said get out. You went behind my back and performed something that was not meant for you so as of this moment you are no longer my student."
very taxing. Perhaps you could break it up into pieces where you think a break could or should be added. Like
"I said: Get out. You went behind my back and performed something that was not meant for you, so as of this moment you are no longer my student."
People need to breathe while speaking (unless they're Pinkie Pie) and many readers prefer a style that reflects that.
Most importantly, don't let yourself be discouraged! Cheers!
Why would Celestia bother tutoring someone she didn`t intend to use in any way? "Best student"? If she could determine who would be the best at the glance, why bother teaching a pony who`d never be it?
Verdict? Gary Stu. Have your well-deserved thumbs down.
I really do love the idea, its quite grand, but this one chapter could have been stretched into an entire story with all of the backstory that was completely rushed and crammed into this opening chapter. also there are numerous grammatical errors and bland paragraphs that are one or two sentences long, but should be five to nine. I advise you to read this guide to help you be a better writer http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide . also, Read more high quality fanfiction so you can be exposed to a truly satisfying form. I'm very interested in this story but it is WAY too rushed. read that guide and I assure you your skills in writing will improve my good sir.
Sombra decided to remain quiet signaling another victory in one of our constant verbal, or in this case mental debates. Now you may be wondering how I can hear Sombra in my head since he was destroyed by memy dear sister so long ago? Well in order for that to happen, I would need to go back to the beginning. Well I still got quite a ways to go before I reach Ponyville so I'll tell you.
And just like that my new life began. I left Equestria and traveled the other parts of the world learning many forms of magic and meeting many new beings along the way. I had also learned that the reason Sombra was able to visit me at that time was because the book I saw was actually his personal book on dark magic, and in an attempt to keep himself free, he had placed a piece of his soul into it and it was my growing hatred that had awakened him.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/017/638/Ambulance2.jpg
I really hope the Elements of Harmony will put this joker in his place.
I know, it might be strange to say that considering what happened in the story. But see, the problem here is that all this backstory flashes by so ridiculously fast and completely over the top that it's damn near impossible to form an emotional connection to anything. Any sympathy the audience might develop for the protagonist is overshadowed by that.
Where did Celestia's reaction to his breakthrough come from, for example? I suspect she didn't usually act this way, or Setting Dawn would not have been so completely surprised. And he had good reason to be surprised, as her reaction went against how she always acts on the show. So why yell at him like that?
Why did his parents suddenly neglect him to the point of not feeding him anymore? And did Gleaming Shield suffer the same fate? Why didn't he have any friends? The ponies around Twilight tried their best to get her out of her shell again and again, but for some reason Setting Dawn got hit with the hate stick?
At this point, I'm more convinced that most of what Setting Dawn laments only happened in his mind; that his quest for revenge is fuelled by insanity, not legitimate grievances. As in, that his research was reckless and dangerous, that Celestia didn't yell at him, that his parents put up food for their only son but his mind just wouldn't let him see it, and that he unknowingly drove away all the ponies who'd wanted to be his friend or plain failed to perceive them.
Actually, all things considered, that would be a neat twist!
On a technical level: Don't be afraid of the comma. Your dialogue especially suffers from a lack of breaks. Most readers find sentences like
very taxing. Perhaps you could break it up into pieces where you think a break could or should be added. Like
People need to breathe while speaking (unless they're Pinkie Pie) and many readers prefer a style that reflects that.
Most importantly, don't let yourself be discouraged!
Cheers!
A lot of back story in one place but I love the idea.
Out of character, and flatly not funny.
Why would Celestia bother tutoring someone she didn`t intend to use in any way? "Best student"? If she could determine who would be the best at the glance, why bother teaching a pony who`d never be it?
Verdict? Gary Stu. Have your well-deserved thumbs down.
Who's Gleaming Shield? You mean Shining Armor, right?
I need more please, This is a good story
Dude get your ass moving and make more of this, it's about time someone did this differently and in my opinion better.
I really do love the idea, its quite grand, but this one chapter could have been stretched into an entire story with all of the backstory that was completely rushed and crammed into this opening chapter. also there are numerous grammatical errors and bland paragraphs that are one or two sentences long, but should be five to nine. I advise you to read this guide to help you be a better writer http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide . also, Read more high quality fanfiction so you can be exposed to a truly satisfying form.
I'm very interested in this story but it is WAY too rushed. read that guide and I assure you your skills in writing will improve my good sir.