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After the defeat of Discord Princess Celestia and Luna took the throne, fifty years later Luna is tired of ponies fearing her night and praising the day. Thus she begins an epic adventure to make the night safer for her subjects. While on this mission her strength will be tested by enemy and friend alike and the ponies that rally to her side will either have to save her or watch their princess fall to darkness.
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I decided no to double space this chapter, but if it's too difficult to read this way, please tell me and I'll make it double spaced. Other then that I would like to say my portrayal of Celestia and Luna is that they are inexperienced leaders, who forced into the position, that's my take on it anyways.
Also I have a question, We all know about the Solar empire and Lunar republic idea, but can somebody explain why Luna would make a republic? I've been thinking about it, and her sticking with a monarchy seems more logical, but that's just my take.
Ok, interesting start. However you need to do some editing because there are parts that I am assuming are supposed to be thoughts, but there is nothing to distinish them from anything else.
5758542 There should be Italics, did they get removed again? I'll take another look through.
Most likely it was the nobles. Or Celestia is just being an ass
Ok, I wanted to give a better comment than what I did last time. The story is very good, but a few things are a bit confusing like AJ's 'feathers'. The characters are almost all likeable except for Celestia. From what I am reading, she doesn't seem to trust Luna or she knew that Luna wouldn't agree with her so that's why she kept her little side project to herself. Perhaps she is researching accention? Regradless, Luna is co-ruler and is not being treated as such.
Right now it looks like you have Luna on a path to better Equestria by having her train a police force/military/monster fighters. I fear that all of this is going to go tumbling down when the nobles start hearing ponies talk about how much better Luna is. I can just see a drunk in a tavern loudly saying that Celestia should just let Luna make all the decisions or something to the affect.
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I'll answer the best I can without spoilers
first is Aj's feathers, ever see those horses with long hair around their hooves, (Scottish horses have them) I looked up the name and they are called feathers, unless I looked at the wrong source material. Basically Aj has hairy feet like a shire horse.
Second on Celestia's secret project I'll have to keep that secret till later, it'll be relevant soon. As for how Celestia treats Luna? That'll be revealed soon.
Thirdly on the drunk in the bar, your close, but wait a few chapters and
Fourth: There a Easter egg for a plot later on
Sorry If I could couldn't answer your questions, but I'd prefer to let the story do that. Next chapter is coming soon, most likely by the end of this week if not then the mid of next week.
Ok, Sombra was way out of line even if there were peace talks approaching. Luna, use the warrior princess angle: pull out a sword, point it to his nether region, and promise him that if he ever insults you like that again he can make peace with little Sombra. After that see your neice and leave!
5823011 hmm, I like responding to comments, but I don't how to respond to this one, other then wait for the next chapter. Have a nice easter!
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You 2
5824920 Thanks you!
May Sombra fail in his plans...all of them!
Loving the story!
Can't wait for the next chapter! Is the story going to lead to Nightmare Moon?
6405523 Thank you for the comments! Always love hearing what people think of the story. As for leading to nightmare Moon... I'm gonna have to make you wait, sorry.
Awesome chapter!
6521620 Thank you very much for saying so, I'm always a bit nervous when I post new chapters.
Really good chapter, the beginning was good and satisfying seeing the noble getting stop by the night patrol.
And you explain why the blueblood bloodline is still alive at the "MLP : Fim" time, great.
6526679 Thank you, after many failures with my past stories I try my best to make thing match or make sense as possible.
You broke your italics and now the entire story is in italics.
6530923 Thanks for pointing that out I'll get that fixed right away.
Cool world building so far! This story gets better and better.
6589216 Thank you! I do my best.
Nice to see the Nobles get what was coming to them. They must be running to where the foals are experimented on. You'd think Vi would have been noticed at some point if she has been doing that for at least 3-6 mind swaps. The magic she uses must be really rare if she knows of no others that can perform it, assuming she did try to teach others how to swap minds.
6591884 Somepony might have noticed, as said in the chapter some did, but that's what the "forget me spell" is for if any pony started asking questions she'd zap them and they'd loose interest.It's like this mind worm thing I saw on Doctor who, one bite and you forget the last hour of your life or something along those lines. As for teaching the body swap magic to others, I was using the theory of the more ponies that know the spell, the more chance of being discovered, so she never actually tried to teach other ponies out of fear of being discovered.
All that being said I wonder what would have made a good mark to represent a talent in mind magic, cause I don't think I ever gave her a mark on her original body.
7032457 I'm in the process of going through chapter again, waiting on my editor, so I can have a second pair of eyes look through it.
ZELDA CUCCOO EGGS YEASSS
(I'm sorry, dragon hype is muuuch stronger than regular hype.)
7222988 Zelda Cucco eggs? I don't remember putting those in the story. Lol.
Thanks for commenting!
Don't you mean epilogue?
7630409 Probably lol. Probably posted that when I was really tired.
I wood of said Night Witches
7800873 That probably would have worked to I guess.
im not sure how too fix the formatting problem you are having, maybe contact support? i don't really care about the spacing do what ever is easyer for you. i listen to all the stories i read so the spacing doesn't efftect me.
also nice too see a luna/AJ fan finally writing something about theses two, i love them too there are in my top 3 i also love zecora!
shawdowblots is a but odd for a name maybe call them the nightgaurd or nightwacth? idk
7942070 I've worked things out with the formatting and spacing, but thank you for taking the time to answer. Nice meet another Luna/Aj fan too, it's kind of odd pairing.
As for the shadowbolts that was just kind of shoehorn for continuity with the show.
I know that this is suppose to be about nightmare moon, but now I can't help but think of the Night Patrol series and its spin offs when I hear it.
8025905 it actually inspired the entire story
8601140
Powerwolf, awesome, love those guys.
Alternate direction Luna could’ve gone if she hadn’t become Nightmare Moon.
Here we go...
Words in bold mean that they should replace other words. These are for misspelled words, grammatical errors or poor word choice. These are small changes.
Words crossed out means you should get rid of them. These are for excessive words.
Underlined words are things you need to add to the sentence.
Italics are major changes to a sentence, usually meaning a re-write of said sentence is required.
Night had fallen over ancient Equestria once more. All over the land ponies retreated to the safety of their homes. For when the moon rose in the sky and the stars twinkled, the monsters of the forests would leave the depths of the darkness and prey upon any pony that dare stay out too late.
This did not sit well with the ruler of the Night, Princess Luna, who wished for her subjects to embrace the night and take in all its beauty. Luna spoke of her concerns to her elder sister Celestia, Princess of the Sun, but she was tied up with the politics of Canterlot that demand her attention. Leaving Luna no choice but to take matters into her own hooves . It was up to her to protect her subjects from the terrors of the night!
“Tis a good idea, now we shall keep our little ponies safe from that which lurks in the dark!” Luna spoke using the loud, booming, royal Canterlot voice, rattling the more friendly creatures of the night from their burrows. So far her patrol has taken her into the Everfree forest that surrounded the Castle of the Royal Sisters. though maybe it should be called the castle of the Royal Sister. (This actually needs to be italicized) Luna thought sadly, since she had been the only one living in the castle for quite some time now. Minus a few servants of course.
Her sister Celestia had been spending more time in the unicorn city of Canterlot as of late. The nobles of the city demanding her input on many matters. The fact that she, the Princess of the Night, was never called was… a little disheartening. But she was warrior. Her ideals didn't fit
wellwith those of theunicorncity. Those matters were better left to Celestia, who wasgreatlymore skilled at dealing with such tasks.“Still they could send a letter.” Luna muttered as she trotted to the nearby village. So far no monsters had appeared, a good thing too, the village’s pitiful defenses would never hold back any sort of attack, mainly because there were no defenses. “Best to move on to the next town, OUCH!”
I would go on, but I don't feel like quoting the entire story, so here's the first five paragraphs instead! If you want me to keep going then just say the word.
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It would be appreciated but you don’t have to
No I don't have to. But I want to. The question is, is it going to work? Are you going to make changes? I know you're probably busy working Night Patrol 2, but no one is going to make it that far if they can't get past the first chapter.
I really like this story. It has good plot, character development, worldbuilding, incredible OC characters etc. The only problem is the spelling, grammar, word choice and sentence structure. That's not even mentioning the way the writing flip flops from past tense to present tense. If my brain wasn't pausing every other paragraph to correct something I would have saved an hour on reading (This may be an exaggeration but my point is still clear). I want to see this story do well, but I also want other readers to enjoy it.
That being said, may I proofread your work?
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Using my phone to type this so forgive some spelling errors. I do really want the story to succeed and if you want to help and that I’ll gladly except the help. I don’t know if you want to set up a google docs or something thing like that but I will make changes I have before. Like when I started changing pretenses. That was due to real world friend that nudged me to present tense on a other story.
In closing if you want to proof read the story I’ll take the time to make the changes.
Not gonna lie, I only read random chapters so I didn’t get everything.
That said, this is an incredibly bizarre story. Apparently there are dragon ponies and cybernetic Pegasus wings? Nightmare Moon is kinda sorta evil but not really at all? And some pony is implied to be some kind of Celestia-hybrid clone?
The writing is super patchy too. You obviously didn’t proofread/have proofreaders at first and it shows badly.
9603916
I'm working on the proofreading and editing, I've only been able to get to chapter 12 so far, but I'm still plucking away at it. Though it's not really my forte.
Princess Luna here is so cheerful, funny and positive that it makes me sad to know that she has been waiting for 1000 years on the moon
something tells me that the Symphony will not live happily ever after :(
I wonder if the gadget is already developing prostheses for Pegasus who have lost their wings?
At the end of this chapter, my music has played music from Lord of the Rings
it’s very sad to know that Thestral are fighting against princess Luna
<('-')