Featured 3/12/24!
Luna, fresh off the moon, finds herself in a cruel world. Her own sister is too busy and too ignorant of her problems, guards and common ponies offend her with insulting names, and there seems to be no respect for her anywhere.
One night, something snaps in Luna, and she packs her things, boarding a train to a city across the country. Maybe with Luna gone from Canterlot, ponies will begin to feel the weight of their actions.
Takes place in an AU, somewhere between S1E2 and S2E4, where Equestria's rail infrastructure reflects the 1950's USA.
Chapters (1)
This was dope! Great opening chapter, homes.
If you're going to San Franciscolt, make sure to watch out for the road apples. 💩
...Yeesh, this version of Luna seems utterly incapable of understanding how utterly horrible Nightmare Moon's actions were. She's chummy with the Nightmare even after they nearly caused an apocalyptic event, complete with being fully willing to do it again if given half a chance. Beyond that, there are elements of this story which aren't even internally consistent. Early on, Luna muses to herself about how only her 'trusted Lunar Guard' were there for her. So... Even though it has only been 'mere days' since she came back, a Lunar Guard that Luna viewed as fully trusted was somehow formed? And on top of that, despite trusting them fully, she seems to never confide in them or seek any sort of support for her loneliness? It's nonsensical. I could go on with other points, but those are the most major ones, and I don't want this comment to get too overly long.
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- The Nightmare
In all fairness, if you had a voice in your head that sympathized and agreed with you, while the rest of the world shunned you, would you try to be friends with it? That kind of treatment will turn a person (or pony, in this case) to stranger sources of knowledge. There’s an old saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
- The Lunar Guard
At this early point, it would’ve been a small group Celestia established to keep Luna in check, and not a force established by Luna herself, maybe about 5-10 strong. Since they are of Celestia’s creation, Luna likely appreciates their kindness, but doesn’t want to confide within them.
Hope this solved some of the nonsensicality.
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...In other words, you don't understand either of the points. You don't understand how utterly horrifying the Nightmare's actions were, and feel that in a matter of 'mere days', it wouldn't be a sign of Luna being incapable of understanding the horror to be chummy with her. You also don't understand that the main point of my comment about the Night Guard- instead making it even WORSE, as you're having Luna describing a force meant to keep her IN CHECK as being her 'trusted Lunar Guard' who treats her well in comparison to everyone else.
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I don’t think you understand the point. The point is that Luna was being treated horribly. She was neglected by her sister, insulted on the daily and shunned by the general populace. For Luna, who is still likely unstable after being Nightmare Moon, it’s very easy for her to want to turn back to the Nightmare for assistance, because they are the only one willing to talk to and understand Luna’s feelings.
Luna also doesn’t trust a lot of the ponies around her. Sure, she wouldn’t trust The Nightmare, but if I was given an option between The Nightmare and a population of ponies shunning and insulting me, I’d pick the Nightmare
Besides, I think you’ll come to find that in later chapters, Luna will find the Nightmare to be less of an aide to her, and more of a burden.
As for the Lunar Guard, I’ll just change them to match my justification. Happy?
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I double-checked the work, and for all you're claiming I didn't understand, you did seem to improve it based on the things I said. Whereas the work had previously said Luna had only been back for 'mere days', for example, now it says 'two weeks'. In other words, the main part of it which made that particular situation reflect very poorly on Luna has indeed been fixed into something making her far less unsymapthetic. Beyond that, the part with the Lunar Guard has also been changed to support the story idea instead of conflict with it in a nonsensical way.
The story now makes sense, and I'm glad I was able to help you improve it.
I am curious as to how you're going to justify Celestia not having Luna brought back to Canterlot immediately to protect the public from the Nightmare, who Luna clearly revealed to Celestia in this chapter. My current prediction is that Celestia is going to end up having law enforcement searching for Luna, but that Luna will be in disguise and successfully avoid them.
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Sorry for sounding aggressive in my comments, I’ve tried to fix it as best as I can after reading over your comment with a more rational approach.
As for Celestia searching for Luna, that’s likely what I’m going to write in. It would take a few days for word to get around, but by then Luna would have likely made it west and disguised herself, buying her more time to think it over and calm down.
In the meantime, she and the Nightmare will start to grow more at odds, and have a bit more beef over how things are handled. Luna is able to shut up the Nightmare with a special spell, so that’ll stop her ramblings and plotting.
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Sounds awesome- and again, I'm glad to see that the story has been successfully improved. The core premise really is an interesting one that I haven't seen done before, so you did a really good job on that part of things.
This is a good read and it fucked up in this au Celestia hasn't fucking learned from her fucking mistake 10,000 years before this.