• Member Since 28th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Mar 11th, 2016

Vinyl-ScratchDJ17


T

After her parents die in a terrible car crash, and her boyfriend breaks up with her, she is left alone in the family house. She is an only child. The day after the crash, a woman came that had adopted her. Months after her parents death, she decides to give up. She heads out into the woods in her backyard with a knife in hand. She comes to a small opening, under the pouring rain, and is about to cut. Not her arms or wrists. Her throat, until she hears a small cry for help. Her adventure begins here. Read to find out more...

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 167 )
Comment posted by Vinyl-ScratchDJ17 deleted Nov 30th, 2014

...Ehm, I see you deleted a comment...

...I probably shouldn't write my opinion now.

5327828 oh no its what i commented I meant to put as an author note.

"Help me! I-I-I'm stuck.

You forgot the " at the end of stuck.

Just a help :pinkiehappy:.


I loved this so much. And I know you were telling me about your idea, and this is much better than I thought. I hope for more soon!!

5328856 thank chu bestie!! give meh huggles!! *huggles*

5329374 Well some people just dont know a good story when they come across one.

5329381 :pinkiegasp: I DIDN'T????? *huggles youuuuuu*

5329383 trolololol. I wish I cud use the emoticons, but the frickin pictures are blocked so i cant see the muthaflupping things!!

5329386 You can't? :fluttershbad: sorry... :trollestia: I love doing these... :trollestia:

5329393 :trollestia: This is Trollestiaaa

5329395 I gots Rainbow Dash following my arrow thing what ever you call it

i like it and i hope for two things one we get to see Rose Luck go though her first day of school in this story, two Rose does not get picked or bulled a lot because she is different

5331095 thx oh btw as you commented I added a few paragraphs at the end so you might want to read those too. :D

5331108 ok and i hope those two things happen i really do

5331126 those two things happen one we get to see Rose Luck go though her first day of school in this story, two Rose does not get picked or bulled a lot because she is different

5331131 Well thers gonna be some, cause this story has a sad tag so I just wanna add a little saddness into it cause so far its a happy story, or should I just remove the sad tag?

5331211 ok but please have Rose Luck get bulled a lot or picked on in school and yes you should just remove the sad tag

5331216 ok so no bullying. :D and goodbye sad tag!!

5331226 will they no Rose Luck getting Picked on too and yay for no sad tag for this story

I like it so far, but I'd consider maybe finding an editor/proofreader. This seems like it's too fast, but hey, that's just my opinion. Putting author's notes directly into the story kind of takes the dynamic out of the story, y'know? Like instead of saying (I won't give a number...), maybe say "I gave the woman my address and number..." or something like that. I look forward to more, though! I'm enjoying it :pinkiehappy:

5329377 :facehoof:

Okay, I guess I'll be "that guy".

To begin with, I'm actually very, very fond of these "My Little *insert pony*" stories and I've been waiting to read a good one with Roseluck.

Sadly, your story just isn't that... at least not as it is now.

First, and most important, your grammar is poor. Not the worst I've seen, but it barely passes as legible. barely. You should get an editor to look at it and clean it up.

Second, the car crash scenario is unrealistic. Not in how it played out, but that it was shown on TV. There is no news station in the US (that I know of) that would be allowed to show actual dead bodies even if they wanted to. Putting that aside, paramedics, firefighters and police officers would be on scene and have it cleaned up well before the news crews are even aware something went down.

Also unrealistic is her boyfriend; he would not have just broken up with her in such an impersonal and heartless manner just after her parents were killed. That just doesn't happen. Stories like this are based in the real world, more-or-less, and your scenarios should reflect that; you want your readers to believe a pony came here and not the world of Lemony Snickett's "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Make your reader feel your character's grief and eventual reformation, not have them think the world is out to get her.

All that said, your story gets a thumbs down for now, but there is room for improvement. The question is will you strive for it?

Good luck.

5331255 oh i get it. :D hey can you give this story a like?

5331263 ok and i already did give this story a like

5331260 ok idk who you are but my grammar is fine. I'm one of those people who can't stand incorrect grammar. And with the car crash I wasn't going for every little possible detail. doing that would be just disgusting, and who says a bf cant break up with her? who have no idea how many in this world don't give a shit about others feelings. I'm not trying to reach any goals here. I'm just trying to provide you people with a good story.

5331259 thx for the tips im glad ur enjoying it!!

5331260 another thing is that nobody is absolutely perfect at writing. Neither are you. I don't make stories to certain specifications, and I keep it simple enough for anybody to understand. When people like you make these long rude complaints it wastes your time, and the authors time.

5331359 Slow your roll, cupcake. I didn't complain, I criticized. Read it again, please, then respond in a more civilized manner.

5331385 oh so im a pastry now huh? lolololol :D

5331385 what would you like to be done to make this "legible"? I want this to be a good reading experience for all readers. that's all.

5331469 Give me a couple hours and I'll be able to point things out. As I am now, I'm on a phone. Too much work to do without a keyboard and mouse.

Edit: There was no spelling error. It didn't happen.

Alright. I'm just gonna point out some mistakes in the first chapter, just to give you an idea of what's wrong with it.

I can't handle it anymore. I just can't keep going. I'm just so useless. I'm all alone in what used be the family house, but now the only one living in it is me now. I remember it as if it happened yesterday.

Not a bad start. Might want to consider ellipsis in the middle of each of those first three statement. The second sentence, however, is composed redundantly. Grammar mistakes.

I'm all alone in what used be the family house,

Okay.

but now the only one living in it is me now.

Redundant. You could either remove the second part entirely or remove the first part and talk about what kind of things went on in the family house then finish with it being just her.

I was watching The news channels, and there was A very familiar bridge on one of the channels, so I switched back to it.

Alright, the T in "The" and the A before "very" don't need to be capitalized. Also, we got the character was watching the news channels so when you said she saw a familiar bridge on one of them, you ended up using the word "channels" redundantly. Grammar mistakes.

I gasped as I put my hand over my mouth when I noticed it's the bridge my dad used to cross to get to work. The shot was being taken by a helicopter just over head,

Overhead is one word.

and I could see piles of cars spread about the bridge. Small fires erupted from most of the vehicles. There was a tanker which looks to have exploded, and made a huge flame, making a large cloud of black smoke. The reporters were saying stuff , but my main focus was on one car. A brown buick on its roof, engulfed in flames.

Buick is capitalized.

Tears began welling up in my eyes, as I saw a body lying out of the driver side door which wasn't there anymore. My father.

Here's where the unbelievability comes in.

Tears began welling up in my eyes, as I saw a body lying out of the driver side door which wasn't there anymore. My father. Blood drenched his white t-shirt, and what looked like a metal bar of some sort impailed it's way through his head.

There is no news station that I know of that would willing show a actual corpse on TV. The authorities on scene would most likely have any bodies covered or moved and the news team would ensure they got no shots of dead bodies. It just doesn't happen. Also, you spelled "impaled" wrong.

Mistakes like these riddle your story; it's full of strange capitalizations, word redundancies and simply misspelled words. It feels almost like you didn't actually read your story before posting it, which is how these mistakes slip in, especially if you don't have an editor or pre-reader. But they are not things you can't fix. You just need to go through it and correct them.

In regards to the unbelievability... that's honestly me just nit-picking; if that's really what you want in your story, then there isn't anything I can say that can or will convince you otherwise.

Unfortunately, I just don't like it. But I'm also just one reader.

I wish you good fortune with this story, regardless.

5341060 Wow and I said i was fine. I cant stop laughin at my epic failures thanks i will fix these in due time :D

i got a question when will the next chapter come out for this story

5342341 probably not for another couple days. School isna big obstacle.

5342743 ok and i like the new stuff you wrote for chapter Enrolling for school for this story nice job on it

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