Norm De Plume
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Norm De Plume · 17k words · 116 5 · 3.1k views
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...Nuff' said.
First time I ever see a yoni massage in a fic.
Excellent usage of that, too!
Aria/Sunset next please!
A slow burn into an amazing inferno.
Magnificent.
~Skeeter The Lurker
5309263
I'm very surprised by Adagio's reaction. And Rarity handled it with considerable aplomb.
5308036
NAAAAIIIIILED IT!
Nice. Kinda wish that you'll make it into a series but that's up to you.
5309300
Agreed. You played them pretty damn good.
~Skeeter The Lurker
This is quite beautiful. If there is more, I will read it.
EDIT: To amend my comment, made in the midst of a funky headspace, I am thrilled that some took the time to address the fact that Adagio was clearly affected by Sunset and Twilight's rainbow wave. This was a very creative way to play off of that.
Shoot to the heart?
I'm sorry, but i'm required by law to post this now.
ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMjAxNDQ3NTg0MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNTUxNzQ0MQ@@._V1_SY317_CR1,0,214,317_AL_.jpg
I think the pic and title are appropriate.
It was refreshingly slow, nice and overall a good read. Good job!
Amazingly written, but you will need to do a sequel or two for the other sirens. Maybe three to have one wrap everything up in a nice little bow after the other sirens are taken care of.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Some wonderful lines, some (well, entirely) brilliant pacing and wonderful fun to read at the back of a public bus where no-one can look over your shoulder.
5310408
You've given me a great and terrible idea. *goes to implement*
Sirens are using the other mermaid power?
Or Succubbuses?
Cos mere cars just dont push it?
Adagio rerolls for Epic Level Hooker?
5311503
2.bp.blogspot.com/-WS7KuulfHJM/UDtOcuM5ygI/AAAAAAAAa24/9td3R3bFZx4/s1600/animated-peanut+%281%29.gif
No, they still have no magic. Adagio's just been fully healed of the pain from the magic removal in the first place. Think of their BotB transformation as the sort of relief Andre The Giant would feel upon getting out of a Smartcar. Then imagine the shockwaves' effects that destroyed their magical forms and amulets as the equivalent of stuffing him back into that Smartcar. That's the pain they were in.
Adagio cannot influence or bewitch or ensnare or subjugate or entice or seduce .... well, if she wants, she can keep seducing Rarity...
5311431
What have I done!?
What monster have I created?!
(In real life i burst out into song if people accidentally mention anything that could be misinterpreted as lyrics. So yeahhhh...
1.bp.blogspot.com/-svjZD6d-RBY/UPsgXHEoBvI/AAAAAAAAA6k/vNbDIAjiCU0/s1600/tumblr_m6yc4vumtw1rnvwt1.gif )
I was sitting in front of people when I first read that and began singing. My parents were all like WTF?
Huh. This was a good, solid story. Two thumbs way, way up
Well, as far as excuses to get characters to have sex go, this one isn't so bad. "Sirens wounded in the attack and the Rainbooms help nurse them back to health with sex" isn't terribly deep, but the story writes that so sincerely that you almost miss the cliche.
We spend the entire time in the story from Adagio's point of view. We get to enjoy some of her thoughts and how she perceives things. There are a lot of details, especially her frequent relating of things to her experiences as an aquatic being, that feel pretty natural and are a great expansion on the character. We also get to see Adagio's role as a leader to the other two sirens, and as such that she does care for their well-being. I also enjoyed the little quirk that was pretty much thrown in about her enjoying coffee. It was a humanizing touch that was entertaining.
Normally the sex in these stories is pretty bad. I'd hesitate to call it good, but it does stand out as failing to be obviously awful as typically is thrown around on the site, so good job. Most of the time things are rushed to the messy and noisy parts, relying on a sense of high lust to justify the characters setting aside their mental faculties. One of the better strengths of this story is that the characters involved, while horny, still retained the ability to think rationally. There was at least an attempt at making the scene sensual rather than raunchy.
I didn't really notice any glaring problems with grammar or style. While there were a few points that were a bit awkwardly written, I don't think they were necessarily grammar errors. Maybe they were. I'm too tired to really go over with a fine-toothed comb or anything.
On to the problems.
Despite the good parts, the biggest problem with the story is that I frequently had to stop and reread various parts to try to figure out what was actually being described. As mentioned in the grammar section, there was a distinct issue with the flow of the scenes in various places. One example that stuck out to me was towards the beginning, where Adagio and Rarity are talking and Sunset is on her way to meet them and shows up. For some reason Adagio is touching Rarity. There seems to be some issue with this, but it's unclear exactly what. Sunset clearly has some kind of issue with it, but again it's a mystery why. I was somewhat suspecting that perhaps Sunset and Rarity were together and Sunset was jealous... but that later proves to not be the case.
In fact, pretty much the entire story it's difficult to impossible to really get a "feel" for what exactly Sunset is meaning or thinking. What sort of tone or expression she has, so on. There is even a point where her emotions are explicitly stated (as she goes through a sequence of them) but I can't really tell if Sunset is about to fly into a jealous rage, jump Rarity or Adagio in lust, or what.
Rarity on the other hand has sort of the opposite problem going on. It's pretty easy to tell she is guilty about what was done. It's easy to tell she is attracted to Adagio. Her emotions and feelings are pretty damn obvious, but they're obvious to us via narration, not so much obvious to Adagio. For as attentive as Adagio is, and how much we are privy to her thoughts, she never really seems to notice most of how Rarity is feeling and think about it explicitly.
The other big problem is the jarring transition from the opening scene to the apartment scene. While the bare essentials of the whole magical wound thing is presented, we're left with the impression that there is legitimate worry of hostility from Adagio's perspective, and what little we can tell of Sunset's demeanor she isn't all that friendly. When we get to the apartment, everyone is leaning on each other, rubbing and touching each other, and generally comfortable and even affectionate with each other.
I'm somewhat amused by the pairing-off that seems rather arbitrary of Fluttershy with Sonata, and Aria with Sunset. Neither of those is really all that important to the story though, as the focus is clearly on Rarity and Adagio. I know that Adagio's concern for her fellow sirens is the reason for Aria and Sonata's involvement, but the story could have been written differently. Sunset seems to have been put into the role of "leader of the Rainbooms" for some reason; with how poorly she was written, again the story could have been written differently to omit her as well.
Consider the alternative where instead of spreading the "good guys" participation in the story to three characters, why not have Rarity be more assertive and come up with her solution on her own? You could have her and Adagio go back to her place, try it out, see that it works, and make plans to share the therapy with the other two sirens. You'd still satisfy Adagio's concern for her fellows, and you'd still have all the important parts of the story. If you really must have Sunset's magical/equestrian expertise play a role in the story, simply have her and Rarity discuss the matter over the phone and cut out all the confusing characterization problems she presents in-person in the scenes.
I pointed out how the sex itself was not as bad as I typically see. It wasn't without problems though. While the focus is supposed to be sensual, it still is rushed. It's supposed to be a massage scene that lasts over an hour, but it feels barely longer than your typical 5-minute poke and tickle. There is some token effort spent from Rarity playing with Adagio's feet and legs for a bit, but then she pretty much just dives right in for the vagina and on to the orgasms. While you get bonus points for keeping up with Adagio's thinking through the process rather than just rattling off descriptions and actions, there is a detached feel to the sensations and actions that dulls the experience too much.
So, overall mediocre story. It has some strengths, and it could be reworked into something pretty good, but as it stands it simply isn't all that special.
5327537
While normally I'd be a lot harsher with a review like this one, I'm going to cut you a lot of slack, since you seem to have very poor textual comprehension. Your discussion of the sex scene's "flaws" makes it clear that at no point did you bother actually reading the story or making the slightest effort to get what was going on. And that alone would be offensive, but it's just one indicative part of how little you actually managed to understand overall. You decided to make a grotesquely overblown and over-long piece of work in order to try and point out problems when you actually don't know what you're talking about to begin with: Not a great move, overall.
5327537
I'm reading what you're writing, and there are aspects I agree and disagree with. I'm still working out the disagreements in my head (because I'm old and getting slow. They're going to put me in a home soon.) but one thing I agree on is the bad idea to have Adagio actually put a time constraint on how long Rarity had been working on her. I am probably going to remove it or make similar adjustments, once I speak with some of my other pre-readers.
I'll see what I can do about the flow. A lot of that is because I find it's difficult in some quarters to have conversations about Rainbow Rocks. A few people I like either haven't seen it yet or don't get too involved with EG in the first place. When it comes to porn? Double it.
Sunset Shimmer: She really does need fleshing out, as I'd prefer to keep her, and I understand your concerns about the transition scene between coffee shop and apartment. I didn't want to get bogged down in a 'driving-over' scene, though, because that may have added a few more thousand words. We'll see what my experts tell me. I may seek your own input when you're more awake.
Amazing, beautiful and the best Equestria Girls fic i have read. It would be awesome for sequel but this is fine. I wish there's more of these out there.
I fucking support this!!!!!
this was awesome loved it
That was a great story
I honestly thought it flowed well and I am interested in seeing what happens with the other two Sirens 
Overall I thing it was a very sweet story 
5310408
Yup, played in my head too.
First off, I would just like to begin by admitting that I don't read fics. Not that I have anything against them, as I'm sure some are pretty good. The thing is that, as I am a writer myself, I don't want to be influenced by the ideas or direction of others, since I am in the process of writing my own material and would rather focus on what my mind has already established for certain characters in the past couple of years, namely Sunset Shimmer.
However, it was late, and in desperate need of a break from several hours of nonstop digital work, I found myself in the dark side of FimFiction somehow. A few random clicks later, I eventually stumbled across your story and was instantly tickled by the title. Clever word play. The synopsis intrigued me as well,
"Hmm, a healing session for the Dazzlings after what happened in Rainbow Rocks?"
From glancing at the list of featured/updated stories every once in a while when I check my updates, I noticed that most fics relative to the tantalizing trio had more or less the same direction. "Dazzlings are defeated, they struggle to adjust to life as normal teens, etc etc." The idea of exploring a more intimate approach on their recovery process did get my attention, but, much like Adagio herself in your work, I was apprehensive at first before making that final click.
Then again, how bad could a single, nearly twenty-thousand-word chapter about a former siren's sensual healing be?
Needless to say, am I happy I decided to take that plunge.
Writing-wise, I truly admire your skill in being able to "show", not "tell". Back when I used to read Sailor Moon fics, I would get pretty perturbed by stories that played themselves out like scripts. Don't get me wrong, it's quite difficult to break out of that habit of wanting to show the audience exactly what we have in our heads. But you manage to set the stage and tell your tale simultaneously and wonderfully, which is rare and something I'm focusing on.
"The weather had turned suddenly cold and rainy...but it did seem to match her mood."
Through something as simple as a description of the weather outside of where the actual story is taking place [SugarCube Corner], we already have an idea of how Adagio is feeling before we begin to delve deeper into her psyche. Rather than spell it out with something like, "Adagio was sad and upset", you convey that message to us through analogy and by describing the environment, killing two birds with one stone. I also enjoy the contrast of Adagio and said environment; being in a warm, well-lit environment enjoying hot coffee while her own storm of feelings brews inside of her, while the setting is quite the opposite. Most of the time, characters are thrust into situations or environments that match their moods and personalities; villain in dark castle, for instance. So to have her in a brighter setting is a refreshing detour from that and plays out quite naturally.
The way you write out Adagio's feelings and describe what she's going through in comparison to her life as a siren (in Equestria & the pre-battle metamorphosis she adopted for eons) is lovely. It's hard to settle on which one I liked the most
Then there's the depth.
I enjoyed reading the return of the Dazzlings' little quirks. Despite their defeat, they still hang onto their personalities and trademark habits. Aria's stubbornness, Adagio's hoity-toity remarks ("I doubt your first place will look like this"/"You're still young, so keep on dreaming.") and Sonata just being Sonata. Glad to see they still hang onto some part of the traits that made us fall in love with these three in the first place
A tiger doesn't change its' stripes overnight and that's definitely the case with them, albeit a humbler take on the phrase.
Much praise for the scenes and how they played out. One that stood out to me in particular was when Adagio compares her interaction with Fluttershy in the hallway to her altercations with those suspicious of the Dazzlings in the past. That was definitely a nice touch and again, you not only told a scene, but delved deeper into their history.
I recall there was a moment where Sunset, Rarity and Adagio convened to discuss the special massage and loved how Sunset almost crossed her arms but took the alternative of tucking her hands behind her back instead, Shows she's trying not to seem high and mighty as the new leader of sorts, or at least struggling not to seem that way in light of her own recovery.
One of a few questions I have is when Adagio asks Sonata how she's feeling and she says something like, "Being nice isn't helping." Was she testing out Fluttershy's theory through the use of positive energy as opposed to negative energy? I just want to make sure I read that part properly.
I've got to say that I was a little taken aback by how forward Adagio was being at first. Enjoying the contact she shared with Rarity during the initial chair session in the apartment, playing with her fingers and later, stroking her cheek, as some examples. But when I reread the story (yes, I read it twice
) and took her character into account, that's actually not farfetched at all. Adagio was a siren, a creature who lured victims with songs and looks of lust, and has had to do that her whole life to gain the power/energy she felt she needed to survive. Being sexy, attracting others with feminine wiles, that's all she may have ever known and something as foreign as actually being cared about outside of those "traps" would definitely make her uncomfortable.
Before I touch more on that last topic, I would like to say that the moment of discomfort Sunset had when Adagio tried to loosen the former's skirt was quite interesting. I think it's safe to say that the Dazzlings have little to no grasp of personal space, as proven by the way they interact with characters here and in Rainbow Rocks. Circling their prey, touching, stroking, etc. With abilities based on the power of sensuality, who could blame them? Even after their defeat, those have got to be difficult habits to break. It's almost like Adagio, in some way, hopes to still channel some of her former abilities through such behavior. Just guessing
Will we see another interaction of these two, I wonder?
Back to her discomfort with Rarity's caring, you did a great job conveying this message through her flashbacks, especially the moments when she remembers her "quickies" and compares them to the warmth displayed by the "alabaster-skinned" girl (I love that description, by the way). You can tell Adagio embraces the concept of yonni massage at first as possibly just another sex act, a flash of lust to help alleviate her pain. But in that very touching moment where Rarity stops her from removing the towel then directs her to relax and actually cares to make her comfortable, you can feel her confusion.
I wonder if that gesture mirrored the actions of those who read that scene, in a way. Ready to "clop" as it were, now that Adagio was readying to take off the towel. But when Rarity intervenes, it's almost like, "Hey, I know you want to get down to business, but just relax and enjoy what's to come". Pun certainly not intended there.
I was touched by the moment Rarity encouraged Adagio to look into her eyes and how uncomfortable that made Adagio feel. Again, this is something intimate and foreign she's going through, not just a quick make-out session as she was used to having. When she finally sat up, I felt really bad for her. She wants to accept the healing but she's afraid of it, too. This speaks volumes on so many levels, especially for a character like her who's still in belied shock of her own defeat.
During the climax (not doing this on purpose, I swear), I would have to say that my favorite moments are when:
-Adagio's constant intrigue of Rarity's cleavage slowly exposing itself during the session. From personal experience, massage-work takes a lot of energy. In Rarity's case, being stuck in a gym outfit surrounded by candles while being worked up by the overall sensuality of the act itself, it's no wonder she was sweating the way she was. Very clever way to build the suspense surrounding the dark-haired masseuse.
- The moments when Adagio nicknames Rarity "Pretty". I seriously adored that. It's not something common or cliche, like "Hey, Sexy". It seemed genuine and dare I say it, sweet. Quick question though. When Adagio regarded her that way the first time, as Rarity was taking her clothes off, you mentioned that she murmured it. Did Rarity still hear that? I would think so, since it's just them in the room.
-"Touch me?" As corny as it sounds, something churned in my feels when I read that, and in a good way. I think that's the moment when Adagio finally submits and it was just...wow.
-Adagio crying as she climaxed. I think this was a beautiful way to remind us that this wasn't supposed to be about sex, but healing and a release of the pain and anguish the ex-siren had bottled up the whole time. As the one to always look after Aria and Sonata, she was forced to be strong and hardened for their sake, to be a strong leader and caregiver to them. During her session, she was finally given the chance to be cared for herself and free to let go. This definitely begs the question, if Sonata and Aria had Adagio to look after them, who did Adagio have?
To be honest, I half-expected Adagio to start vocalizing again in the rapture of the healing surge as she reached her final peak. But perhaps, that would've been a little too soon for her to get her voice back.
It's obvious that Rarity is attracted to Adagio, but I wonder just how much of that is reciprocated by the other. She contemplates the kiss at least and in her gratitude, she returns a more intimate favor to Rarity later. Still, could it be that's all it was in her mind at the time? Payback in the heat of the moment? Only time will tell. At least, I hope
I hope this doesn't offend you, but I just thought I'd let you know of a typo I found:
“Would either of you care to be be next?”
I mentioned before that I don't read fics. Being a part of this fandom, it was only a matter of time before I eventually heard tale of the so-called "clop" material circling about and to be quite truthful, I stay away from it. Admittedly, like the tide, I meandered from your story's page, but came back again. I think it was the cover photo that brought me back. That split second in the movie truly broke my heart. It was the first time Adagio wasn't upset, coy or devilish, and we saw raw fear in her eyes. Very appropriate for the nature of your story, too.
However, as one who falls victim to a siren's spell, I buckled, gave in to curiosity and - dare I say - yes, lust.
Judging by some of the related stories section, I'm guessing that fics of this nature are usually short for someone's (ahem) "quick fix". No disrespect intended to the other writers, but it's a damn shame that this story doesn't receive the same amount of attention, if not more than those other stories do. Just goes to show that it gets harder to please people in such a fast-paced, get-to-the-point world ours has turned into.
That being said, I absolutely loved the experience your story brought to me. It was well-written, emotional and genuinely beautiful. You captured the characters nicely, especially the primary focus.
I know my comment was a little wordy and I hope you don't mind. I'm not ashamed to say that a clopfic is the first and only story I've read on this site, let alone thought to comment on. Actually, as I read this story, I began to realize that this wasn't like a "clopfic" at all. No, in fact, it's something much more special and lovely as it seems to stand in a category of its very own. While the material of said fics are of a genre unlike anything I plan on writing, it seems to be a territory I won't be returning to anytime soon. Unless of course, it's related to this one and written by you.
As I mentioned before, I definitely look forward to a continuation of this story, as this has definitely piqued my interest.
Thanks for writing it and keep up the great work
I appreciate the wordiness. It helps balance out the occasional "MOAR!" one gets on this site.
Thanks for the correction. When I re-wrote this to take care of some of the problems others had raised, I probably just missed that one. Glossing over double words, especially, is easy to miss and why we all need editors. x.x
There are many reasons fics don't receive attention, be it length, subject matter, pairings, etc. That's fine. Not every one of them can have a thousand upvotes. I write to present halfway-decent porn to those who seek it.
- You were in Sailor Moon fandom? So was I, from about 1995 - 2003.
- Thanks for your comments on showing vs. telling and such. I probably did miss a few instances where I slipped into the passive voice or was more tell-y. Still working at the process, even after 20 years.
- Sunset was originally written rather badly, as was pointed out to me, and I took as many steps as I could to try and fix that up a little, without completely getting rid of her apprehension at doing this, especially behind the backs of half of the Humane 5.
- You were right in your assessment of Fluttershy/Sonata & Adagio. If there had been any visible difference, they would have gone that route of more snuggles. Sonata likes snuggles.
-'Alabaster-skinned', I'm sorry to say, is so cliché, but it still beats out 'butter-yellow Pegasus' :P
- A lot of what Rarity & Adagio endured during the yoni massage is part of the full process, even though Rarity tried her hardest to get too sexual. Adagio is a tempting target, though. And since yoni and lingam massage are part of the tantric arts, they're liable to bring up deep emotions and are sometimes used to break through abuse or sexual blocks (or so some sites claim).
- Part of the attraction is all the energy flowing around the room. Another part is the sort of energy it is. Aria knows more about those sorts of things than either of her fellow Sirens.
JennDyLyon recommended this story to me. I admit, I am usually not a fan of M-rated stories, because so many of them are just one sex scene after another. And even though there was quite a bit of sexual content in this story, there were enough feelings to keep me satisfied.
In general, the development was quite believable, and the way Adagio and Rarity especially were presented was very nice. Which leaves me with my only slight annoyance: I know there is SOME spark between Rarity and Adagio. From this point, developing their relationship more in the direction of romance seems like such an obvious step. Is there any chance of a sequel with something along those lines happening?
In any case, it was a beautifully written story, and I'll be looking forward to giving your other femslash stories a try.
5761682
There's other work being done, but it's slow going!
Thank you for reading. And Aria will be dealing with the aftereffects.
5761888 Forgot to upvote and fav. My god.
Glad to hear it. And don't worry about slow pace. It's a necessity for high quality.
Just like Misago I was brought here by JennDylYon haha.
I have to say this was a really good story, and that's a big compliment coming from me too, because I'm not normally one to read/like a mature rated sex story. The plot in this story was really good, and I have to say I loved your theory on the effects the spell had on the Dazzlings, and how they were dealing with their lives after the defeat. It was definitely a unique and different route to go down. Overall I thought the development here was really good, and I did like your theory for the pain they were experiencing, even if the cure was... Different. It definitely made the sex scene at the end fit into place, instead of looking like mindless clop, which I just can't stand, so good job. Overall you have earned a like and a fave from me, and I'm looking forward to a potential sequel.
I realized I forgot to come back around and comment on this after reading your revisions a few months ago. I really liked the additional depth into Adagio's thoughts both before things really got going, as well as the emotional breaking point just before the "high point", if you know what I mean.
I also noticed Sunset Shimmer had nearly a 180 on characterization in the opening cafe scene. Works well this way too. The old wasn't bad, per se, but I think this one flows better into the second scene.
Really looking forward to future work on this timeline, if it IS stlil in the works. Your Aria comment a few days ago gives me hope though. ;)
For most of this story, there was a real sensual and mature take on the basic idea of "two characters bone", and I'm in thorough support of that. I loved the rapport Adagio and Rarity have, that they're able to hold a conversation while doing something incredibly intimate. The slow-building sex-healing massage is given enough time in the narrative that it doesn't feel like a cheap device to get Adagio oiled up, like you could almost get away with claiming what you were reading actually wasn't porn.
But then Adagio asks, nay, demands, that Rarity let her eat her out, and we cross the line into out-and-out porn territory.
Not that that is a bad thing, mind. Far from it. It's a welcome acknowledgement of everything the story has be mounting to and dancing around, and had I not been in a room full of people as I was surreptitiously reading this in a corner on my Kindle I may have had to engage my best George Takei impression with a resounding "Oh, my!"
Well Norm, I find it hard to believe, but you did find areas that could use improving and did so. I am impressed.
Easily one of the best clopfics I have read!
Well, my original review: 5327537 is obsolete now. Leaving it there for posterity though.
5328144
It looks like you wound up taking the things we'd discussed to heart. While I didn't have anything in particular in mind when I made my suggestions to you, it seems like you may have pulled stuff directly out of my head to put into your story. Everything reads much better, much smoother, and the overall story is much more engaging and interesting now.
After much improvement, this is still ultimately a story that is an excuse to get two characters to have sex. It wasn't that bad before, but now it's fairly enjoyable to read as long as you don't mind the premise.
One of the strengths of the story is Adagio's character. It was good before, but now it feels just a bit more polished. I'm still pleased with the way she relates things to her past as an aquatic being, with little details like her choice of expletives (sea foam being a great example). It never feels over the top or forced though. One notable difference that might be seen as a loss, but I think was the correct choice: she is much less touchy-feely in Sugarcube Corner. That "wordspace" is used for a bit more focus on what she is thinking.
The interaction with Sunset Shimmer feels a lot more natural now. The issues brought up feel more like actual concerns the characters would have, and I rather enjoy the little back and forth over "leadership." The presence of Aloe and Lotus feels more prominent than before, and serves as decent foreshadowing to things to come.
The transition from Sugarcube Corner to the Dazzling's place is much improved. It establishes the new setting well, and gives us time to adapt to the influx of characters. The discussion between all the characters feels a lot less like Sunset Shimmer dictating the show, and just being a participant in a discussion who wants to help.
The main attraction is obviously where most of the care and effort went to fixing things up. Rather than just serve as an opportunity to have Rarity poking around in Adagio's bits, there is a lot more attention spent on the actual premise: attempting to heal the sirens of their injuries. While the undercurrent of lust is still there, it is far more believable that this is a serious effort on Rarity's part.
There is even a bit of conflict now. It isn't certain they're going to get to the erotic parts. Adagio letting her guard down feels much more important than before. Instead of just some casual lay, this scene feels like it should, a letting go of the past and an acceptance of help. You can easily forget about the fact that this is, ultimately, just a sex scene.
So, it's hard to really do a proper new review. I keep seeing what I remember from the original, and how it contrasts with the new. I see improvements all over the place. I wonder how I'd review this were I to read it as-is for my first time. It is certainly no longer just a mediocre story. It still isn't deep, but it is entertaining beyond the sexy bits.
6075311
Thank you very much. And let's be honest. There's only so deep you can go, because the last thing you want Rarity to do is bump Adagio's cervix!
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>.o
At least you know not to do that. You don't know how many dudes I've wanted to murder for thinking that cervical penetration is hot or even remotely a good idea...
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Join the Murder Club. We're having some jackets made.
Just Re-read this after the edits, and it holds up nicely. I especially enjoy the added detail on Adagio's thought process!
Also, wow, surprised to find someone else who was in the SM Fandom back in the day. Did you use the same moniker then? I thought when I first read Plucked From The Air that your writing was steangely familar.
No, different name, and I only did one fic there, followed by some time in the anime multiverse.
Now I'm bummed I didn't get a chance to read this before the revisions! I'd love to point to things I felt you did right, but I'd just rehash what JennDyLyon already said.
"Show not tell" is a great way to write, and you perform this fantastically, but sometimes "show' alone leaves me unfulfilled in that all the flowery language either obscures basic, un-ostentatious facts, or overemphasizes inappropriate sections (for a reader who may find one simile far superior to another). I rather like the dash of "telling" you left in.
I'll be honest, I regularly read "clop-fics" and I'm not very good at reading descriptions, nor at seeing word counts. Or genre. ...I guess I'm not good at paying much attention to anything, but against the odds I clicked this story and never looked back. Maybe I'm easy to please, but I really enjoyed the simple premise of sexual healing. As much as I "know" cliches should be avoided, I take it with a grain of salt because I don't automatically enjoy things that don't fit into my expectations, or intrinsically sneer at a storyline I can predict to a tee. While a strong plot is necessary, it's a diligent author's careful hand that paints the imagination on the canvas that is the reader. (I see an obvious plot as a coloring book, and a complex one a drawing guide - both capable of producing beautiful works when approached properly.)
That said, I enjoyed the pacing. You are the master of your world as you describe what you want, when you want - not getting caught up in things that don't matter or add to the atmosphere you've created for the sake of getting more words on the page. There's no pressure to feel things that may or may not be there. You made some themes and stuck to your guns. 'Anticipation' was the key word and you teased it for all its worth. The slow build up as palpable to us as to Adagio herself: quite a feat.
Anyway, I've rambled enough. I'm just upset it's a bit of a cliffhanger! I'd love to beg another story out of you, but it's not necessary since I don't believe the deep interpersonal connection between Adagio and Rarity (nor the overbearing internal struggles) could be replicated by the mechanical offerings to Aria and Sonata. But what do I know? Write to your heart's content and I'll be there to read it!
Sorry for commenting while half-asleep. I woke up and while explaining the merits of your story, remembered things I'd forgotten to include in the original pass-through.
I'd've liked for Adagio to further her rue that she "had played these girls all wrong from the start" - she did the best she could, what other method should she have considered? Did she plan around Sunset being dense and the magic spread between them all to be on the weaker side?
Also I really dig how the characters were all precisely chosen and delightfully fleshed out. Rarity's sudden cold turn in Sugarcube Corner is a particularly poignant one for me.
Finally I loved that Adagio accepted everything. That she was human, when neither of the others were taking it well; that it was her fault, even though she could've stewed in denial and blame passing; that she needed help, even from her opponents whom would've received none from her. The emotional swings were staggering.
I really enjoyed this story, it had a slow build but the pay off was good, and the characters were pleasant enough. I'd like to see more of this.
I.... did not know this was edited. Hm... *Reads.*
This is an amazing story, and I'm surprised this is rated so comparatively low. I love the slow build-up, the worldbuilding via magic theory, how the Sirens aren't instantly befriended by Sunset & co. but actually are reluctant. I like how the pairs of characters end up connected to each other, and though the Sirens think they can just let that bond wither and break it after a couple of days, I think they might not want to do that anymore by the time all is said and done. I wish there was more story so I could actually read about how that goes.
I've also read the sequel, but the one I'd really love to see is the encounter between Fluttershy and Sonata. Your Sonata is a little different from how I see her. To me, she seems like the most free-spirited and least evil (mostly because she's not bright enough to really be evil - she just doesn't have it in her (though maybe putting it that way is doing her a disservice)). Of the three of them, I see her as having by far the easiest time adapting to friendship. I don't see where this characterization of her being kind of emotionally fragile comes from, though I don't object to it in this story / series if it lets her bond with Fluttershy.
I really hope you'll pick up this series again and write the third part! Keep up the good work!
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Thanks! Sonata's just plain stunned from the rainbow and doing her best to claw her way out of the funk that hit her. She's quite happy to let Fluttershy make nice over her because it's making her feel better. A connection's already forming between the two of them and it's alleviating some of the pain she's in.
Now if only I could remember where I left my ideas . . .
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They are Equestrians. They were born with magic. Their magic can be taken, but it can't be destroyed. Without constant control it would return to their bodies like in the episode with Tirek. Another question is if beings in Equestria don't need magic to survive. Maybe if human visited Equestria it could be only for a short while, because longer exposure would be fatal for a being without magic. I have theory that that their planet is exposed to deadly radiation and to survive, life developed some kind of protection in form of magic energy.
Are all the sex scenes in this story female on female?