• Member Since 14th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen 20 minutes ago

Redstargazer


Aspiring writer looking to practice with a favorite subject. Planed on waiting til premise of first story finished before starting account but after seeing another artist's work just had to comment:)

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James is a socially-challenged introvert fresh out of college; and with nothing to show for it.
Between fair-weather friends, sleazy bosses, and years wasted for a degree not worth the paper itโ€™s printed on when looking for work? His outlook on life has gotten pretty jaded to say the least. Even his family ties and childhood faith, things he once centered his life on, seem to have lost their luster. His life seems to be going nowhere and he spends his time watching MLP: Friendship is Magic as a closet brony wishing that he could have one chance to make a life for himself. A chance for something, anything, to shake him out of the rut he is in.
He gets his wish after meeting the crazy owner of a mystical curio shop called Odds and Ends.
Now, James finds himself in the middle of Equestria where survival means finding a way back home or earning a place for himself in this new world; Easier said than done when he finds out that the Bronyโ€™s paradise holds a dangers and secrets that, unsurprisingly, werenโ€™t mentioned in a show targeting young girls.
If heโ€™s lucky, he might find help from Equestiaโ€™s inhabitants; possibly even his favorite pony! If his luck goes as usual? He will have to fall back on human ingenuity and the strength of his faith. Put simply? Heโ€™s going to wing it and pray he doesnโ€™t die.


First time writing and sharing with the public so comments and constructive criticism greatly appreciated! All I ask is you be firm but fair.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 65 )

It's not bad for a first attempt, though you really should proofread it better. Try to get an editor.

Please keep going!! I live it so far!!

5287467
Yeah, figured that might be the case on first time. Still looking for editor...and sadly, getting the hang of google doc:twilightsheepish:

Till then, I've taken to posting it on writers groups for comments. Out of curiosity what was it you saw that needed improvement?

5287478

Thanks! I hope my work will continue to please:twilightsmile:

I can be a proofreader for you. This story is extremely eye-catching, and better grammar is just what it needs.

5288063

That would be greatly appreciated. :raritystarry: Only problem is, as I stated earlier, first time really trying electronic format like this and kind of fumbling with basics like google doc. Any suggestions in the mean time? Also, think you can comment or PM some of the problems so far? Hoping to get problems solved in this chapter for later ones, as soon as I figure out which problems are from changes when I copy and paste onto the site from word and how much is from me out of practice:twilightsheepish:.

5288849

Do you mean you're having problems with the Gdocs? I can teach you it, it's pretty simple.

5288933

Well, I'm currently trying to research it on How it Works web sites while working on my story but I appreciate your willingness to help. Might take you up on that offer if I run in circles too much on my end:yay:. Otherwise, if you have suggestions for me, I'm more than willing to hear them:twilightsmile:

Just thought to add, but while I have no problem with people deciding this doesn't match their tastes, I'd appreciate if any who downvote would at least say what put them off.:duck:

Comment posted by TheLoneWanderer07 deleted Nov 13th, 2015

5295262
:trixieshiftleft: almost too spooked to ask...but I will anyway:trixieshiftright:

Are you referring to the main character or Simon?

Comment posted by TheLoneWanderer07 deleted Nov 13th, 2015

5295350
....:rainbowderp: Okay. That would be doppelganger spooky. Actually made this as a semi-self insert:pinkiegasp:.

Comment posted by TheLoneWanderer07 deleted Nov 13th, 2015

I told myself Ernest you should just review one more story before nights end, and I hoped it wouldn't be that long but dayum! That's allot of words. Probably will review it tomaro. (Still don't know how to spell tomaro.) :(

5298399

No problem:pinkiesmile: I admit I got a little carried away in the first chapter to set things up so hopefully it won't be that bad later. Thanks for taking a shot at it though:twilightsmile:

5298434 It's cool ima see if I can check it out tomaorw. :)

5300102
Awesome:yay: Hope it continues to entertain:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by TheLoneWanderer07 deleted Nov 13th, 2015

Son of aโ€ฆ what a way to end it. Question. Was he on drugs while he did this? And will there be a chapta talking about what he learned and his experience inside the clearing?

5335966
Kinda to the first question, yes to the second.
If you remember the parting letter in the first chapter, Simon left him that potion vial to help him quickly learn new skills to survive, provided he was smart enough to use it correctly. As for the strength? The letter hints at that but James will give his own take on that when he finally gets the chance to talk with the Luna and Daring once they've recovered.

5336061 well that's kinda what I meant. Was this combat ability because he was on the potion (what I meant when I said drugs) or was this the result from training while using the drug and he's this good at combat all the time. And don't worry he isn't a Gary Stu.

5336087
Was kinda worried about that yeah:twilightsheepish:. A lot of what he can do later may seem Gary Stu at first before the drawbacks rear their ugly head. The skills were learned, and in some cases relearned from lost memories, while he trained under the effects of the potion and they will be retained.

5336260 Well the draw backs stop him from being a Gary stu right. So many questions but I can wait. Anyways WRITE FASTER. Naw seriously looking forward to that update bur get it out whenever you can. It's not going anywhere right.

5336299
Sure thing. Planned on doing it a week-week and a half occurrence but this one turned out longer than expected and Thanksgiving week threw things off so it might be a bit:facehoof:. Tomorrow though I plan on putting a sneak peak in with the blog.

let himself be drug around

let himself be dragged around

an uneven piece of metal.

on the pavement?

Being here is just

Being here was just

His ears with pierced with

His ears were pierced with

fashioned into house

fashioned into houses

letโ€™s go home, Lyre.

letโ€™s go home, Lyra.

heartlands of Everfree Forest

heartlands of the Everfree Forest

every tick learned

every trick learned

resounded around pair

resounded around the pair

I'm not really good at constructive criticism, but I'll give it a shot.

First of all, try making your chapters equally long, in my opinion it's kind of strange; the first chapter was around 8000 words long, while chapter 2 was only over 3000 words.

Second, there arw some grammar mistakes, not too bad; but it could annoy the reader when he/she is really 'into' the story and suddenly finds a grammar mistake.

Third, your character Simon is in my opinion well explained. So no cons on that.

I don't really have a lot to say anymore but what I can say is: Continue this story!.......Or else Commander Thorn will have a little'chit chat' with you.

Peace!!!!

5371331
Yes Sir ! Understood Sir:pinkiehappy:!

Respect to Commander Thorn aside, thanks for taking the time out and the watch, and I hope the review I gave helps:scootangel:.

As for the Chapter lengths? Yeah, they've been a pain as I try to balance fitting right amount of content with ending chapter at appropriate place:twilightoops:. Will be working on that though.

5341385
5341333

Typos found and edited with extreme prejudice:pinkiecrazy:!

Thanks for the heads up and I hope you enjoy the story:twilightsmile:!

5371389 I most certainly am, just taking a little break because of my habbit to ignore vital things like study, food and sleep when I get reading... Of course that failed because I immediately started religiously reading Saphroneth's 'MLP time loops' and can't stop :ajbemused:. Seriously this site's addictive as F:yay:K.

5371543
Sleep? What's...oh. Right. That thing you do when you take a break:rainbowlaugh:. Yeah, I seem to have that habit of forgetting that on this website myself. Maybe we should start a support group?

...Nah:pinkiecrazy:.

Mediation should be meditation. my on? my own?

5390954
Yep. I can thank auto correct for those little beauties:twilightangry2:.

And thank you for catching them so I could deal with them:twilightsmile:. That'll show those darn dirty typos:flutterrage:.

Comment posted by TheLoneWanderer07 deleted Nov 13th, 2015

Hey I don't want to be rude but it's been almost 2 months and still no updates so if you could update that would be very much appreciated. Thank you for the story!!!!!:pinkiehappy:

5604250
Yeah, I know. Been kind of eating at me but I've hit a bit of a snag. If the real life headaches, both literal and metaphorical, weren't enough I 've been struggling with a dialogue heavy chapter:ajsleepy:. It's supposed to set a ground work for the main character's moral struggles and character interaction with the Princess but I find myself balancing a razor's edge between a snore fest and nosedive into Mary Su-dom:facehoof:. I promise though that more is coming so please just bear with it a bit longer:fluttershysad:.

That aside, is there anything in past chapters that caught your attention or developments you are looking forward too:duck:?

5611156 actually i have seen a few interesting things inoticed that could become plot devices but can't remember them right now.

5616019
Sounds good. Have a few things in the works already but you can never have enough feed back. If there's any possibility you think is particularly interesting but don't want to comment for fear of spoilers feel free to PM back:twilightsmile:.

5618284 no I actually need to read the chapters again to remember ... Yea I was serious. See ya later!:pinkiehappy:

Could you please have BR dress up as Alucard and either speak like the normal Hellsing Ultimate or the Abridged versions, since they fit the memes theme?

Story is Intriguing thus far.......

Go on......

~8chill

5634668
Sorry took so long to answer:twilightsheepish:. Aside from checking other stories, been offline focusing on writing:ajsleepy:. That said, am I to assume BR you mentioned is describing Anthony as a butler character similar to Walter in the Hellsing stories?

5728884
Thanks:pinkiehappy:! Was actually not sure if the newest chapter would be a bit of a turn off with so much more dialogue than I anticipated.

I'm cheering louder then a screaming drunk.

Comment posted by TheLoneWanderer07 deleted Nov 13th, 2015
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