• Member Since 14th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Redstargazer


Aspiring writer looking to practice with a favorite subject. Planed on waiting til premise of first story finished before starting account but after seeing another artist's work just had to comment:)

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Celestia has dedicated centuries to making Equestria a safe place for her little ponies to live and grow in the lessons of friendship and harmony. Sadly, there are those who spurn the gifts of harmony for the sake of power and material wealth; by any means necessary.
Some of these evildoers would not hesitate to break her laws to achieve their ends. The more terrifying ones though? They use her laws.

At the founding of their rule, the Royal Sisters anticipated such problems could arise and prepared by founding a secret society. Guardians who would protect the original ideals of the royal sisters. Guardians just as ruthless as the monsters they would fight.


A/N: Gore and Sex tags due to pg-13 level violence, innuendo, and content.

Side story to be part of a larger universe.

Comments and feedback appreciated.

Fantastic cover art Provided by the talented WingsOnTheBus :pinkiehappy: You can find other gallery pieces [here].

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 19 )

5288586

good guess, but no. Actually trying to base it on a historical figure.

This was awesome! :pinkiehappy:

5288963

Thanks! I'm glad to hear others enjoying it:twilightsmile:!

D48

That was a lot of fun, although I have to disagree with Celestia at the end there. That was two tracks, not one. :rainbowlaugh:

5298535
I'm very glad you enjoyed it:pinkiehappy:! As for the one track two track thing, yeah, I actually meant both of those to fit under the subject 'introducing outworld concepts to Equestria' as Fancy wants a few more comforts from home. I admit that was a bit clumsy at the end there:twilightsheepish:.

One Masterpiece.
And one, where I actually liked Blueblood a lot.
The idea of him just acting is brilliant.
Insta-Fav.

5300800
Thank you! Your compliments humble me:scootangel:.

I may have missed it, but I would be genuinely surprised if someone hasn't tried it already. There's a lot of factors where that scenario might fit.
1) Celestia may be soft hearted, but far from stupid. Having someone as clueless as Blueblood seemed to be so close to a place of royal power with free reign to do as he pleased? That would have been asking for trouble or weakness that nobility could have exploited.
2) The Grand Galloping Gala episode showed that she could be devious. The same sort of deviousness that would inspire somepony to train her own nephew into a royal watchdog that kept the nobles in line. Even as those same nobles laughed at and flattered that same watchdog without even suspecting?
3) The prince's rep. Ignoring the whole 'never judge a book by its cover' moral, the papers and magazines would have been watching him since childhood. For Rarity to know of him being the most eligible bachelor, there had to be something he showed to the public to stay on their good side. If he was as blatantly vapid and arrogant as he was on the show? No amount of influence and PR would have salvaged his reputation as an individual.

Ex. Paris Hilton

5300883
You're right. I hadn't thought of that.
Actually from that point of view..
Maybe it would be a great idea to write a sequel where he courts Rarity.
I remember having read a sidestory to the Rites of Ascension story where Rarity was a royal spy herself.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/53321/designing-intrigue - Designging Intrigue - CvBrony

Maybe you could try to somehow merge them. For example letting it play a few years in the future where the mane six have advanced in their lifes and Rarity, just like in Designing Intrigue, has grown tired of only doing her job as designer.
A future where she has reached a more personal relationship with Celestia. (just like here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/170589/the-mare-behind-the-mare by Eakin)
(That seems pretty likely if you ask me. Just compare both their manipulative natures)

Maybe in that future, Rarity has learned much about Canterlot politics and acts as something akin to Celestia's or Twilight's metaphorical shadow and on that way has come into contact with the equestrian secret service. And so on, and so on.

Anyway, just a thought :twilightsmile:

5300985
Those are some good ideas, certainly:pinkiesmile:. Still have a ways to go in my other story but I've actually been considering alternatives. I also thank you for the story suggestions though I may not immediately go to see them. Mainly to make sure I get a few of my own ideas to note first before influencing them with other writer's ideas. All the same, thanks for the references and interest in my story:twilightsmile:!

This was pretty good.

Like and added to my recommendation group.

5301946
Sweet:pinkiehappy:! I'm glad you like the story and I always appreciate a good recommend:yay:!

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Now, first of all, I'm going to interrupt this review to tell the author two things before I even begin reading the story:
1: I'm a harsh judge and a perfectionist. So don't be disappointed or feel bashed. I'm just one of those reviewers where a 5/10 rating is actually pretty good, relatively speaking. It's just that every time you put words on the page, you're stepping into the ring with the greats, doing literary battle with everyone from Shakespeare to Rowling. And I judge fiction on that standard. So, if Tolkien gets a 9/10, a 5/10 isn't so bad.
2: If you're wondering why nobody reads this story, here's your first and most important clues. There is no cover image. (You absolutely need one; even a terrible cover image is better than none; even a marginally related image searched image is better than none. Get one!) Your long description is far too long. (Shorter descriptions are almost always better. Trim it! It would be best to get it down to one or two simple sentences, but at the very least, I should not have to click 'more' to read the whole description. -- stuff like saying it's part of a universe, though, doesn't count toward your description length in this sense. That stuff can be as long as you like.) These two things are the face that this story shows the world, and at the moment, it doesn't look good. As far as getting readers goes, the most important text of the story isn't even in the story. The description is the most vital part.

Okay, with that out of the way, let's move on.

Grammar score out of 10: 7 -- There were some capitalization issues in the first paragraph, a couple typos, (including 'new' instead of 'news') and there was a complete disregard for proper em dashes. Still, the grammar was good overall, enough so that it didn't interfere with reading the story.
Pros:
-Made me smile occasionally.
-Blueblood's personality was very interesting, even if it was barely justified enough to not call out of character.
-I loved the bad guy's 'care package'.
-Silly warning in the author's notes about not being able to write a Prench accent was unnecessary. If he hadn't put that in, I would have nothing to complain about in Fleur's speech.
-Manages to do a nice little bit of character depth, if not quite as much as I'd have liked.
Cons:
-On occasion, the two gentlemen talking about politics could get a bit dull.
-Parts were overly gruesome and sadistic. Revenge and punishment are not noble motivations.
-Hints at some weird (HiE?) backstory for Fancy Pants, but never delivers in explaining what exactly it is, which damages the fic's ability to stand separate from the larger universe it's based on.
-Tell-y language sometimes.
-Somewhat lacking in scenery. It's nearly impossible to imagine the setting in most of the scenes, beyond the barest details.

Notes Section:
Well, to start out with, I'm immediately hit by this wet slap in the face:

Trying to write in accent would have been too messy so just imagine Fleur with French(Prench) accent.

:trixieshiftleft:
Learn to write in an accent subtly. It's all about word choice and understated but noticeable differences. Failing that, at least don't have a blurb at the very beginning of the story blatantly telling me that you're incapable of writing an accent well. (And for that matter, asking for typo warnings at the beginning of the story will make readers hyper-aware of the typos they see and give them an overall lower impression of your grammar.)
I liked the whole 'secret society' thing, and I really enjoyed the unexpectedly magnanimous Blueblood, but the bit of twisted revenge fantasy element, I did not like. If these were really noble heroes, they would only be focused on removing the threat... not smiling manically as they torture the bad guys.
I liked that you put a little depth into Fancy Pants, hinting that he has regrets about his actions that he drinks away. (Giving your heroes flaws is an excellent thing.) But that was pretty much the only substantial character depth in the story. Still, that's forgivable in something this short, and I did enjoy reading it.

5325938

5325938
Firstly, thanks for taking time out to review:pinkiehappy:! Secondly, there's needlessly harsh and then there's perfectionist harsh. The second is what I need for improvement, hoped for when I saw your short, and you delivered:twilightsmile:.

Sadly, suspected the lacking cover art would be issue but couldn't find anyone via group or petition yet:facehoof:. Might just have to suck it up and try something myself then:applejackunsure:.

As for harsh revenge theme? I was trying to go for a nod to Ness and his Untouchables. When Capone owned the city legal system(in some accounts he could kill a man at his dinner table and no one could speak out), they needed someone willing to cross a lot of lines, possibly giving up a lot of there nobler ideals; which Ness and his bunch did when necessary. Hero work is for the Elements and Royal Guard. These guys are not heroes. They're the last resort for when Capones crop up and make it clear that the only ones they'll listen to are monsters scarier than they are. That's also why the Secret Group is encouraged to stay myth because the Royals can't be directly linked. I'll admit though I probably need to work on a happy medium somewhere or possibly add dark tag(wasn't sure if what I had would compare to others I saw with that tag).

The HIE element was kind of a hint to facts about this group in my main story 'Odds and Ends' as well as explain how some of these little known ponies just happened to have temperament for this work, reluctant as they may be; coming from a harsher environment or at least one where this activity is old news. Mostly threw this out there because the idea had been rattling in my head of late and didn't want to wait till main story got there:twilightsheepish:.

Also, Tell-y language? Not sure I follow.

And of course, thank you again for your time:scootangel:! It's been kind of frustrating some likes but not know what's wrong to improve.

5326943

Also, Tell-y language? Not sure I follow.

Telling, not showing.

Such as...
Telling: "She said, angrily."
Showing: "She said, slamming her hoof down on the table."

5328426
Ah:duck:. So you're saying it needs more descriptive language for the reader to 'see' rather than be 'told' character moods and reactions to keep the story from getting monotonous or stale and/or two-dimensional?

5330244
Yes... it's particularly important when describing a character's emotion.
(Because when you show an emotion, the reader has to play it through his head in order to understand what the emotion is... which makes him experience that emotion to some degree. When the emotion is blatantly stated, it doesn't require that kind of audience participation, so it won't draw up emotions in the reader.)

5332857
Thanks:pinkiehappy:. Just wanted to be sure on that point and that'll be one more thing to watch out for. Again, thanks for taking the time on the review and being thorough with the feedback:twilightsmile:.

So this is probably just me, but everytime I read a fimfic that has Fancy Pants in it, I imagine him with Cary Elwes' voice. Especially for this story.

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