A Brony Gamer that loves to type and come up with new stories
(Ending of this story depends on what you guys want. Vote in comments if you want a certain ending!)
Corporal Tyler Smith is one of the ODSTs dropped in pods to help defend New Mombasa, but he is sucked into
a Slipspace Rift made by a Covenant Carrier. He is transported to CHS and quickly becomes friends with the Mane Six and Sunset Shimmer. Will he ever make his way home, or is he stuck at CHS forever?
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5567878 Thank god, someone agreed this. other fic have problem like this.
5567878 Thank you so much for the feedback and the ideas. I appreciate it. I love constructive criticism.
I might go back and change "Dude" to the name of the guy he is talking to, Alex.
Anyways, thank you so much.
5567878 Forgot to put this in first response. My style is kinda flawed, I will agree. I'm not the best at typing, coming up with stories and stuff like that. Hell, this story sat in my jump drive for 5 months before I decided to upload it. So, I need to get a editor, yeah.
Wanna be my editor? I would appreciate it. I won't give out any Skype names or anything like that in this chat. Send me a PM if you wanna edit it for me.
My only problem, personally is with Sunset Shimmer, when Tyler got out of the pod. I just don't hear her calling anyone "Mate." And I know this is Equestria and all, but they seem very... accepting of the whole situation. Considering they probably haven't met or seen any of his kind before, something about this whole situation should at least raise some eyebrows.
5570021 Thanks for the feedback. I was kinda derping around when I wrote the whole "Mate" part. I was also playing Sniper in TF2 and I was feeling Australian at the moment. I feel like people are hating on the way I write stuff. Sure, I might have some grammar and formatting problems, but I mean I try my best. It is the content and story that people care about, not a couple grammar and formatting issues.
Anyways, thanks for the feedback.
For a guy who just lost all his ODST buddies, and is now in a new world, he wouldn't say something like this.
He has never met the Rainbooms, nor got any information about them what so ever, yet still assumes they will be his new friends? To make the character interesting, try making him more skeptical about everything. He would be rebellious at first, but then as the story goes on, he learns to accept everyone. Starting him out as a person who already trusts everything makes his character boring.
You don't have to rush things, you have all the writing space in the world.
I like it, but i do have some constructive critics for you, if you want them, i too am writing an ODST fic (i think i was one of the first few before they became mainstream, no offense) But overall good, like this chapter and will read the next for sure.
Huh. This is alright so far. Ill track it. But I need more chapters
Not bad, to be honest I see potential for this, kinda wish James (aka the Rookie) was in it in some way as well.
Great way to start the story, making our main character get sucked into Regret's Carrier's Slip space rupture.
6151269
I agree, I kind of wish that Mickey, Dutch, Romeo, James (Rookie), Dare, and Buck ended up at Canterlot High, but that would also mean that the Covies wouldn't be too far behind.
Alex yelled, “IT JUMPED AND WE ARE GETTING SUCKED IN! (Who is Alex and what is Alex’s relationship to Tyler Jones? Is Alex a friend or a field officer? I suggest Alex is a Lieutenant Colonel, who is the second field officer grade in the U.S. Marine Corps. They command between 300 and 1,000 Marines at a given time and are assisted by one Major, junior commissioned officers, and one Command Sergeant Major as an enlisted adviser. It typically takes 16 to 22 years to reach the rank of Lieutenant Colonel.)
Marine Corps Officer Ranks
Alex (insert information here) yelled, “IT JUMPED AND WE ARE GETTING SUCKED IN!
Alex started to say anything else, (It read like Alex wanted to say “anything else” and I don’t think that was your intention.)
Alex started to say “Are there any other hostile forces in the area?”, but he was sucked into the collapsing Slipspace portal.
Well crap.
Update?