[2nd Person person fic between Anon, Luna, and a mystery mare currently unnamed]
Your name is Anon, your just another guy trudging his way through life. Than one night after a particularly long day at work, you awaken in your dream to a strange place. Once there you find and rescue a creature you only knew from myths and legends. What happens next will shake the very foundation for both Equestria and your life.
This will mostly be a Romance story between Anon and Luna (so if you don't like Human and Pony love stories this one isn't for you), but someone else might work their way in there at some point in the story (I haven't decided yet).
This story takes place along side the show, Anon helps the girls in their adventures and some that I have already come up with.
***Dropped it down to "Teen" because there was no reason for it to be mature, honestly biggest difference between teen and mature is sex and since I'm not writing it (doesn't mean I wont ask someone else to right it ;) and its not going into the main part of the story there wasn't much reason to keep it mature rated..***
This is my first story so any feedback whether good or bad is appreciated.
Hope you enjoy the story.
good job
Good story idea. You paint the picture well. However, you need a proofreader. If for nothing else you paragraphs seem to end at random. You have entire conversations in a single paragraph. Also it is "silence" not "silance".
i usually fall asleep on this type of opener but i like it can't what for chapter two
Good, but as said earlier, you need a proofreader. I'd suggest getting a decent editors (there are groups devoted to this), running through - and correcting - this chapter, and only then continuing.
4335715 I agree with this, otherwise not bad at all.
Like the idea of the story greatly! But omg, proofreader, editor, just something!! The story was unfolding well, but I had to work to figure out what is happening, I think I can speak for any reader that we don't wanna have to work to read this. I have this same problem on my stories and have been working on fixing my own. If you really need it I would help ya with the grammar and any fixes needed.
Few quick help, space you're conversations between the characters, I have to figure out who is saying what in each thing the character says. Also, try reading these chapters out loud or to yourself, no matter how detailed it is in you're mind it won't be as good on paper.
I'm not trying to tell you what you're supposed to do to write, just some help to make a better story. Other than what I thought up above great story.
4337050 No I absolutely agree, after going back I realized I should be separating the dialogue from everything else, I promise that in the next chapter that will be fixed.
4335715 The grammer still sucks but I went back and broke up the character interactions so it should be easier to read. Thanks for the suggestions.
Please do keep writing when you can. This story is a very interesting one.
i like this story don't quite it's good and i hope the release time is a little storter
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4497646
I'm glad you both enjoy the story so far, I'm trying to keep it to less than a month between chapters. Most writers write their chapters over a couple days, I can't seem to keep the idea's fresh enough to do that so when I write a chapter I sit down for 6+ hours and write it all at once. As I get more into the story I'll try to make the wait shorter but I don't want to release something that isn't good.
Keep reading and I'll keep writing.
4498677 your awesome
4499077
My only issue with this so far is the fact you have multiple speakers within one paragraph. It's kind of confusing at times. Most of the time it's easier to understand if you break it up into a new paragraph when a new person speaks. While I do understand to a certain extant that each little conversation is kept together it still reads oddly for me.
4540145 Thank you for the feedback, I started trying this style in chapter 2 and asked if people thought this might be a little confusing. No one said anything so I simply assumed people liked it better. The only problem I see when it comes to breaking them up, I mean I prefer that myself but I don't want to keep putting "he/she said" at the end. Let me know if anyone else reading this has an idea or feels the same way, I'm only on chapter 4 so I'm still trying to figure out the best way to write the story
. I want to write the best possible story I can so if you guys have a suggestion please don't hesitate to comment or if youd rather DM me go for it, I check the site constantly.
4543693 some times the he said she said stuff isn't as necessary once you've established who's talking. I'd give you an example but it's kinda hard to easily cut and paste from another story on an iPad. Maybe this will work. There is still some of it in the below paragraphs but not all of it also did not write that just copied it from a story I'm currently reading.
“It sure was nice of Rarity to make you a new scarf again this year,” Scootaloo said. “Didn’t you get one last year, too?”
“Of course. And the year before that. And the year before that,” Sweetie Belle said. She imitated Rarity’s accent. “The old one isn’t what all the ponies in Canterlot are wearing anymore, don’t you know?”
“Oh yeah. She does get pretty worked up over stuff like that.”
“Not that I don’t appreciate it, but she just gets so stressed out with all of this seasonal fashion that we don’t actually spend any time together.” Sweetie Belle let out a sigh, and looked over at Scootaloo. “What about you? Doesn’t the cold bother you?”
4544007
great story thus far.
ill be looking forward to future chapters.
4564124 I'm glad you like the story so far, I should be starting on the next chapter either tomorrow or Friday
. I'm excited to see what you guys think in the coming chapters.
anon strips down
and get remeasured 
4595988
FIRST
Also, i do have the feeling that somethings gunna go wrong in the next chapter
4670326 Ahhh you'll be okay. See you can already read and type out a comment
.
4672336 not the first time sadly
4672890
I'm sorry
cant wait to see anon and a bunch of drunk ponies party.
great story so far!
So. This mystery mare. She sensed his love for Luna. Only two beings in Equestria can do that. Princess Cadence or Queen Chrysalis (Chrysie). Or maybe its an OC. Just have to wait for the reveal.
Melvin the Manticore!
4695216
Noo you ruined it. Oh well still have to read the story to know how he fits into the MLP universe.
4695216
SPOILER ALERT
4695216 YOU SICK FUCKER
4708010 Now now, just cause you know what he was doesn't mean you know who he is. Just have to wait until future chapter to find our more.
4708443 ....fine....
4709015
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4709730 .....your evil
4711861
Mature tag for swearing. So hardcore. Nah im just kidding, I know you have to put it for swearing. But when you write your first clop scene then your story will truly deserve a mature tag. But overall it is a nice story and I like it.
make it quick and yes i wil
4731456 he or she will have to put a sex tag on it
4733408 He would have to put a sex tag if I was going to put it in th story. I haven't decided yet but if I do I'm not going to write it and it's not going to be in the main chapters. It's going to be in a completely separate chapter or maybe even a completely separate story like "good things come." When it comes time to add it I'll decide. Don't worry if I do decide to add it, it's coming soon
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4734614
with or without it's steal a good fic 
4735559 Glad you and everyone who has read it seems to like it
. I honestly never expected to get over 650+ views and look forward to how far it can go.
4735665 to make a go HIE fic you must make you human as human as possible when you have that you make a conflict for him or her to over come. some people make there human tough but a crybaby, so people make them all pussy, and some don't even know what human is, but you character is balanced he tries to be tough to protect people but he is scared. so i feel that he isn't all two-d.
Carnivores are those animals which ONLY get their nutrients from meat.
Omnivores are the thing you just described in your sentence.
4737476 Fixed, thanks for the correction.
Great as always! Keep at it~! Love ya!
4907350 Glad your still enjoying it
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